My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

Amazing how he could say it's not like that when it is EXACTLY like that.

You handled it well, staying calm. Keep refusing to discuss details until you have legal advice. You don't have to perform on his schedule.

Op make sure you keep your family and friends close as your mil and in laws will support their son, no matter how shocked and probably angry they are (he’s upending their world too) and unfortunately soon you’ll start hearing and seeing less of them. I’m so sorry

I don’t know actually. Maybe he could have some sway over it. It does seem lucky that he just happened to get more time with her and has come home just a month or 2 before she is back in Europe instead of say 5 months before she is back.

@Notmyostrich please keep your cards close to your chest. Tell him nothing about any legal advice you receive. Don't even tell him in future about any solicitor appointments. Just keep quiet.

Good luck with your appointment on Friday.

He's a cunt and you'll be well rid of his lying ass once the divorce is done. So shitty of him to lay this on you and immediately start telling you when he's telling your DD. He didn't even give you a minute to process this when he's been planning this for 6 months.

Utter cunt.

Find your inner anger and take him to the fucking cleaners.

What is unsettling is how conniving he’s been. I can’t get over the public Instagram account with photos of them on it. He really doesn’t care that others know he’s a cheater.

Has he mentioned what he thinks is going to happen with the house? It’s really overwhelming but getting as much money/assets outright is a good move. With his behavior you just have no idea what he could pull down the road in terms of supporting your child. Make sure you know what his pention is, investments, etc and go after everything. Even if you don’t need the money, take what you deserve to have.

How are you explaining why he’s currently staying with his parents?

You'll drive yourself mad trying to figure out how it all began between them, it'll be something seedy, being thrown together in the hotel bar day after day. Try not to think about it and think about your future. He is not your husband, and you don't need to talk to him at all any more. You're being very calm and measured and I'm not sure if you're in shock or this is how you normally are, but your instincts are all correct and you'll get through it in the best way possible

Any time he starts to sound reasonable, any time you start to wonder if you are being unfair, any time you start to see his point of view:
Imagine if you were happy to move to a different country from your child and only see her once a month because a hot 20 something man had walked into your life.

I told her daddy is tired after his big trip away for work so he is staying with grandma and grandad to get some rest.
She asked when she will see him and I said at the weekend which he agreed to, I will go with her to his parents.

She doesn’t seem bothered right now, but I guess she got used to him not being around.

Place the bad behaviour where it should be, on him and her.

He is a selfish AH. He has probably made a big mistake. But it's his prob not yours or your, DCs.

Let him go. Get every penny you can out of him.

If you want to vengeful, I'd call his HR dept and tell them you're going to look at suing them as the move overseas caused the issue, prior to that your relationship was strong.

Apparently they just met at a bar. He was in an Airbnb rather than a hotel so I guess it makes sense but I don’t know, I’m trying not to think about it.

Op sorry to come in again but just the best advice I ever saw on mn, it’s hugely sad but it’s ‘remember he’s no longer your friend ‘. Because there’ll be times you will want/ will blurt out stuff to him but now it’s stuff he can use against you in the future

I don’t want to be vengeful about money, no matter what happens even if it was just an even split, I’d be able to use my half of the house as a hefty deposit for somewhere smaller for DD and I. I could cover all of DDs costs myself. Ideally I just want to stay mortgage free, I’d take that over unreliable maintenance. Beyond that we earn pretty similarly, our pensions are about the same.

I also don’t want to involve his employer or anything, I don’t want to come across as vindictive, kill him with kindness I guess.

Don't be naiive. You have a child to support, alone. You need to get every penny possible out of the divorce. Not doing so is doing your child a huge disservice and harming HER long term prospects.

Have to agree with others on the financial front op. You only get 1 shot at it. Keep your head held high is seeing him off but absolutely rinse him for money. He's put you all here

I absolutely agree with this!
Find your anger @Notmyostrich for your daughter's sake.
She deserves the very best financial settlement you can get from your scumbag husband.

Yes you can afford things yourself but why should you? He will start ignoring his daughter soon enough. Make sure he doesn't shaft her financially as well.

And make no mistake, he'll try, especially when more babies start coming along.

I'd call his HR dept and tell them you're going to look at suing them as the move overseas caused the issue, prior to that your relationship was strong.

Is this a thing people actually do?

Yes.

If he swans off to Spain without any parenting responsibilities, his earning power will only continue to increase. You earn well but your flexibility will continue to be limited as a solo parent, you might have less ability to work late, do overnight trips, go for promotions, will need to be the one who takes time off for every sick day, inset day etc. Why should he escape any responsibility, financial or otherwise? This wasn’t your choice

I'd take relish and delight in knowing 2 people who behave like that will not stay together.

It's all adrenaline and secretive and exciting right now. Wait, just wait....a 27 year old who knew he was married and a 40 year old who cheated on his wife. Recipe for destruction.

Keep your grace and decorum through this. But do file for divorce on the grounds of adultery, because that is the truth.

You will have your DD 100% of the time aside from holidays. You should aim for more than 50:50. Anything could happen - you or DD could get ill, affecting your work. Children only get more expensive as they age. Secure your future, and it would be ideal to come to an agreement before he leaves again. His relationship with her won’t last, and when it goes tits up he will return, ask for 50:50 of everything, and then you have a fight on your hands and it could become bothered consider and drawn out.

Having been where you are, my warning to you is that he is likely to turn into someone you never believed he could become. Expect the worst. He has already shown no consideration whatsoever for his DD.

Divorce in the UK is all non fault nowadays.

Rightio. Am not in the UK.

Having been where you are, my warning to you is that he is likely to turn into someone you never believed he could become. Expect the worst. He has already shown no consideration whatsoever for his DD.

This, exactly. He will soon become unrecognisably hostile and he won't be on your daughter's side.

He'll shaft her. At least, he'll try to. You will need to circumvent this immediately. Be ready.

I wouldn’t be gracious when it comes to money. It will hurt like hell when he has a child with her and that kids is getting money spent on it. I wouldn’t let him know of your plans legal or otherwise. Keep cards close to your chest but absolutely you need to get everything you can for your child money wise and you also need to protect her from him and his new bit of stuff. The woman will not want her hanging around especially if she has her own child and it would be awful for your dd to be stuck in Spain being made to feel unwanted. She needs to be with you