My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

Take screenshots of the OW’s Instagram and her message to you. Print them out, put them in a sealed envelope. Give it to someone you trust, then block her on everything.

It won’t help you in the divorce but in years to come, if your dd ever questions what happened, you can show her the truth in their photos and her words.

I think you were right to message her @Notmyostrichas now you know what you are dealing with.

Actually you really don’t need to do much

The only thing you need to do is get your daughter passport out the house and hide it with a relative.

If she doesn’t have a passport then get one now and hide it with your mum or your best friend.

Other than that speak to a solicitor, gather evidence of the affair. Do what they tell you to do.

DO NOT leave the house.

Carry on with life the best you can.

Why waste energy on her.
It will not change anything.
Waste of time.
Focus on what is important and priority right now only.

I wouldn’t get in too many discussions about holidays yet. I’d stand back and see if he does bother coming once a month as lots of men lose interest fairly quickly. Especially with a GF waiting.
I also wouldn’t allow half the holidays, maybe a week with you nearby or with GP. She’s still very young and he will see her so little there relationship won’t be the same.

Another father who somehow thinks parenting is an optional extra. 🤦🏻‍♀️I have no words. I'm so sorry OP. Other posters are spot on. Get legal advice asap. Do not agree to anything! Listen to what he says, write it down and tell
him you require time to consider whatever batshit proposal he has and that you will be taking legal advice. Keep your thoughts tight and get all your ducks in a row.

@OpheliaWitchoftheWoods let’s not even go with this insane suggestion that FW plays happy families with his affair partner and his 4 year old daughter! FFS the poor OP has only just found out about this betrayal and she’s now supposed to export her daughter to a stranger in Spain?!? Just no. Please OP don’t even entertain this.

I am so sorry.

My ex partner did similar 6 months ago, he completely unexpectedly left me and our baby one day and moved 5 hours away with a work colleague of his. He has barely seen our child since.

I do not understand these "men" at all. I am so sorry you're going through this. 6 months in, I am already feeling more like myself. Things will get better/easier.

What a c u next Tuesday. Sounds like they deserve each other and you deserve SO much better! Best wishes to you <3

Honestly I'd be inclined to not let him do his big reveal with your DD. He's been away for ages, just let it carry on as it was .. she will find it all out eventually but it is not to her benefit that he tells her the truth... Just carry on with the 'Daddy is working abroad' story... How is the truth going to help her because if he tells her the truth she will read it as he has chosen to leave her... There is a better time and place and it shouldn't be on his neat and tidy timetable that he's been planning so he can come home and break the news and square it all off.. and yes as pp have said, give him nothing and hide her passport.. I don't think she should stay there with him next week. It just sounds like him making what he is doing ok with himself and it is not fucking ok. And OP, be strong and be clinical and take all the good advice here about reaching out and getting proper legal advice. He's a scheming shit and you both deserve better but I cannot imagine the shock. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Definitely this.

Absolutely everything about that post was wrong! Awful advice from beginning to end. I'm glad OP rejected it.

Big hugs

Just wanted to offer a handhold op. You sound very strong and you'll get through this. I would not let my child go abroad staying with a woman I dont know. I would absolutely put my foot down on that front

All this.
Also, there’s a real chance he won’t even mention OW and he will leave that part of the story for you to explain in the future when your daughter has become accustomed to not having daddy around.
Make sure you are present when he explains to your daughter, when she realises daddy’s buggering off for good, she will need you there.
Let him see and feel this little girls reaction when he blows up her life
Sending big hugs.

The thing is, though, her DD is already accustomed to her daddy not being around. Six months is a huge amount of time in a four year old's life. So that is good, in a way. She's already used to it.

A little update. My mum is asleep or I’d call her right now.

He quite unexpectedly came over tonight, after DDs bedtime.
He asked me why I messaged her, I told him I just didn’t want her to be lied to if that was what he was doing, but she knew and that’s fine, I was just clearly my own conscience.

He told me he doesn’t want this to be difficult, he has said he won’t leave me without financially. I told him I want to speak to a solicitor before I discuss any of that.

I then couldn’t help but ask about how he lied to me with so much ease. I mentioned the pictures on her instagram which clearly show them having little weekend mini breaks on the coast or in Montevideo, while on those weekends he was telling me he was stuck in the office.

He was apologetic and asked me to not keep DD from him, I pointed out that he is the one abandoning her for a 27 year old and moving abroad. He told me “it’s not like that”. I asked why he is moving to Spain and not her to England he told me it’s just practicalities as he has an EU passport and speaks good Spanish but she doesn’t have loads of English and it’s not that easy to move to the UK. I did say it sounds like it’s only practical for you and her not for DD who should be his priority.

I really wish I just hadn’t let him in now, I don’t know why I did.

Sorry this is happening OP, one foot in front of the other

I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you how to parent but as someone whose parents had the most bitter separation (dad had an affair) I thought it was worth commenting

Any energy or strength you have needs to go on you and your daughter. She’s really going to need a soft landing place and a lot of reassurance, not just now but for years to come. It’s awful, and it’s really fucking unfair that he’s made this mess for you to clear up but ultimately if you don’t, it’s you and your little girl that will suffer

some of these comments are really shit advice and similar behaviour to my mum at that time. I didn’t need to know details, I didn’t need to hear what she thought of him, or how she had the phone bill records to prove it. She was obviously hurting but that wasn’t my responsibility and she made a bad situation even worse for a child

once you get through the shock, and the grief and all the other challenges, you’ll be ok. You’ll actually be more than ok, you and your daughter have each other and always will. As I said at the start, one foot in front of the other

It’s okay that you let him in and really good that you made it clear that he is picking this person over his DD.

Don’t tell him too much about your legal plans but you can make it clear that you won’t be agreeing to anything right now.

It's totally natural to trust your husband, if you felt you had a good marriage.
On the other hand 6 months is a very long time indeed to be away from your wife and children.
Do you still have a good physical relationship? If my partner had been offered a job for 6 months abroad when he was 40 I would have wondered what he would be doing for sex, and idea an affair might emerge would have occurred to me.
I certainly wouldn't have assumed he would not have any sexual relationships and that our partnership would definitely survive 6 months without any physical contact.

I really wish I just hadn’t let him in now, I don’t know why I did.

I guess it was because you needed to ask those very reasonable questions and try to make him feel guilty about your daughter.

As far as she goes her father is no longer putting her first, and (as I said before) once she hits puberty and starts being a teenager and not a little girl, I'm afraid he'll get tired of trying to parent her.

Not to mention he'll have another baby with the OW who will occupy his mind and his time.

My ex-h stopped seeing our children within a year. He hasn't seen them at all for many, many years now.

@Notmyostrich he’s an absolute fuck of a fucker who is pulling shit like this to pretend hoe reasonable he is… this people this is gaslighting shit for those who can’t use the term correctly.
hes trying to fuck with your brain.. pretending this is all normal and ok.
dick!

Well op youre absolutely bang on. He is abandoning his child. Its bad enough what hes done to you. He's scum. Living a double life like that. Im sorry youre going through this. Let him know if you agree that dd won't be going to Spain and he can visit her here only

@Notmyostrich letting him in wasn’t such a bad thing - it sounds like you stayed calm and made some very valid points to him - you need to be proud of yourself for this.

Yes, definitely get good legal advice and family law advice at that.

When my kids dad left me for his ow, we just told them that daddy wanted to have a girlfriend and that when you are married you can’t have a wife and a girlfriend so we weren’t going to live together anymore.

Re the passport, check the legalities around him claiming it’s lost and getting your daughter a new one - I may be out of date but I think if he has a birth certificate (which he could obtain) then he could claim the passport was lost and apply for a new one.

It sounds like you handled yourself very well @Notmyostrich

Make it clear he can't just come round when he wants

He is fucking delusional if he thinks his choice of moving abroad isn't going to irreparably fuck up his relationship with his young daughter. What a moron.

Also, is it possible that the reason his contract was extended from 3-6 months is because of this affair. Does he have the ability to get his company to extend a contract like that? It seems suspicious that he lucked out with getting more time there with affair partner. I say that because he’s already decided that extended time away from his child isn’t something he cares too much about.

Also, I’d be looking at all bank statements. Taking family money and using it for holidays with a mistress could be something you could be reimbursed for during the process. When it comes to getting what you deserve, don’t leave a stone unturned.