My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

Brace yourself, there could be a pregnancy soon.

You want the house. All the house, to raise your daughter.

He can keep the rest and go.

That's your terms.

Pleeeeeease don't take rubbish advice like this, OP. You need to talk to a solicitor, not listen to people who haven't even heard of pensions.

Take screenshots of everything. Good advice.

No. Really pointless advice. Aside from where there is actual abuse or harrassment, screenshots of adultery change nothing. They have literally no effect, in law or in divorce settlements.

This - I wouldn’t let my daughter out of my sight. GPs will be on his side in all this.
Why should he swan in and play happy families when he’s let you and your daughter down in the worse possible way.
Don’t allow him to speak to her alone without you - he cannot be trusted, he’s a liar and a cheat and who know what he’ll tell her.
Threaten all sorts including social media/companies they work for if he doesn’t agree.
Get angry OP - he’s not the man you married anymore. You need to fight for your future.

You don't need anything such as evidence of an affair at court. It's all emotionless practical dissolution of assets. Don't waste your time. If you know her name, you could name her on the papers.

The children's order will be different.
My ex dh was adamant he would be traveling, calling at certain times. Of course he didn't.
He also insisted on half summer. You just agree. Because he will have to fly over, make his way to departures, collect child and fly back. Then do it all again at the end. He might do this once.

What is likely to happen is that granny and grandad take her for a week. Or you travel, work from a flat and if your dd wants to see you she can. He pays for all travel costs, insurance, airport parking for drop off.

He won't get much holiday. I doubt his new squeeze will be planning to spend holiday allocation sat at home.

I arranged councelling for me and the dc, and not once slagged him or the pneumatic young woman he shacked up with. Why he married me I have no idea.

I didn't lie though. I made damm sure it was nothing to do with the dc, and helped them see their dad. When he let them down I just used it as an opportunity to teach them to keep busy, not expect much and not hang around waiting to be disappointed.

But I strongly suggest you file first. Don't waste time, and be ready to read his form e and discover he had missed out assets. It's down to you to prove he has them, which is why you need evidence of assets.

It's a bumpy ride, it's war, but you know- at least your dd will be with you 85% of the time, and when she hits her teens might not want to go anyway to Spain. Teach her the language, to make it easy for her, be kind to her. It's up to him to ensure he keeps in touch though, not your dd.

What a pair of Skanks they are!

So sorry you are going through this OP, find your anger and fight for you and your Daughter.

The in-laws might very well be decent people but I would be very, very wary of them at least for the time being. They are his parents not yours. Ultimately they will side with him. Do not let your daughter see them until things are a bit more settled. Sad but you have to put yourself first for now. Tell them nothing of your plans.

I hope you're able to get legal advice soon. A friend was in a similar position (although they were both working abroad) and she got in first to divorce her husband under UK law before he could try to start the divorce from abroad. She felt the terms would be better for her in the UK.

Unfortunately the grandparents may forgive him very quickly, so be careful what you tell them. They'll try to keep you on side while trying to maintain a relationship with their grandchild.

Regarding your daughter, you don't have to let him see her without you being there. I agree with pp about not letting him tell her a story about mummy and daddy not loving each other any more.

Try to look after yourself financially while it's still new and his parents still disapprove. He's already steps ahead with moving on, try to use this time and your anger. He'll soon not care about how much money you have.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you @Notmyostrich .

I haven't RTFT yet but if no one has recommended it yet, and I'm sorry if it's another thing on your list, but please reach out to pastoral care at DD's school and tell them exactly what is going on and also any fears you have for her mental and physical health. Please also discuss with them just who is allowed to collect her from school.

Sending hugs

I just wanted to say OP, you are doing amazingly. I wish you and your Dd all the best. Just remember you and your DD will get through this together and you will.be happy again.

Yes I'm afraid the OW's use of the term " your child" made me wonder if she is actually pregnant herself.

It would explain a lot.

In that situation, the OP should put her daughter first.
How is she doing this by keeping her from her grandparents.
The child should NEVER be used as a pawn, yet post after post are advocating exactly thst.

What did you reply to the other women? No that’s fine just wanted to be honest with you just in case you didn’t know. From one woman to another. Wish you the best and Good luck.

something along those lines. Hopefully paranoia sets in and you look dignified with that response.

He is an absolute shit had his head turned selfish 40 yr old flattered by younger women.
I understand your shock hurt betrayal but through all of this keep your self respect ... lean on friends and family feel your feelings eventually you will get to the other side ... you don't need this weak man in your life ...

This with bells on!

I really feel for you, what an absolutely horrible thing to do to both you and your child.

My marriage also fell victim to my partner's wandering eye in the workplace and I was completely blindsided as I took placed full trust in him.

I hope you have a good network of family/friends to talk to? I would be more than happy to private message if it would help to unload on someone unconnected who can at least partially relate to what you are going through.

Sending huge support to you.

I’d cut up her passport (but not let him know). Say it’s lost or just let him not be able to find it if/when he goes looking.
Make it clear terms
upon separation he cannot legally take her out of the country without your permission….
My friend’s daughters went to visit their dad after he left her (cheated) then moved abroad. He enrolled them in school and didn’t send them home. She only found out when they didn’t get off their return flight. This was 20+ years ago. They eventually realised their dad was a prick but sadly never returned to their mum as they’d settled with friends….

This is good advice @Notmyostrich

I wouldn’t be letting him have your daughter all next week , he can have a couple of days and as for half the summer holidays that’s a joke , 2 weeks max at the end of the day you are and always have been her primary carer and any more than 2 weeks at that age is too long . I’d be checking what he thinks he’s going to be telling your child about why you split up .

I'm sorry this happened OP, it's devastating, I know.

You are getting some good advice but also some really shit advice. Don't use your child as a tool to punish him as so many suggest. Yes, I'm sure posters are aware enough to wrap it up as something else but it's not. And it WILL hurt your child because when the grown ups can't act like grown ups, the children suffer. You can be her safe place without manipulation to do so and I'm sure you know this. He's going to let her down all by himself, he won't need any help to do so.
You've been the one that is always there, just continue to be that for her. Support the relationship between your dd and her father, she will remember that you did.

You are strong and capable and you and I'm sure your dd will thrive no matter what your husband does.
When he realised it's all too hard and wants to come back, it's likely not because he really loves you and knows he's made a big mistake but rather that the grass really wasn't greener and was way too hard to maintain.

I am so sorry OP. Men can be such arseholes.

My ex left me for the OW 8 years ago. Our son was 10.

Initially he seemed undecided and was devastated when I found out. He went back and forth for a few weeks and eventually picked her because I couldn’t say I would forgive him, only that I would try. As others have said, try not to do the pick me dance, we are hard wired to do it but it plays havoc with your self esteem.

Your priority is your daughter. You could agree to say you have drifted apart while he was abroad and ask him not to introduce the concept of another woman too fast. My ex messed this up and it took a long while for DS to accept his dad’s girlfriend. There is really no need to rush this given the logistics.

There is no rush to set arrangements for visiting him in Spain. Your lawyer can advise on that. Initially he can visit her at his parents and then come back to see her here at theirs. I think asking her to visit him for a month is unreasonable given her age and that he has been away from home for 6 months. I woukd start with a week or two max and he needs to fetch her and bring her back. As she grows up, you can reassess. Be wary of letting her go initially case he decides to keep her. Again your lawyer will advise (and if you aren’t sure about the first one, try a second or third).

At least he is offering to move out and presumably intends to pay maintenance. Get your finances in order, find out what you can about his, copy docs etc. make plans. See friends and book fun stuff with your daughter.

It took me a long time to get over my ex but I did and DS is a lovely well rounded human. You've got this 💐

Did you respond? I would be tempted to respond and say - you have destroyed what I have been assured by my husband on a daily basis whilst he was away working was a happy and loving marriage. You have both made a fool of me and both our families.

Our child- x is her father- very much wabts to have her in his life and support her emotionally and financially for the rest of her life. Presumably you support that and I urge you to be kind to our daughter as it seems you too will be part of her life, whether she and our respective families like it or not.

Then ignore her. You must concentrate on securing your finances. Suggest independent counselling. Just to rant without bias.

I'd be replying to the mistress asking how she could do such a thing and plan to move in with a married man after only, what, two months? Because you know their relationship must have started after Christmas because he had sex with you every day during his two week break...then left again and presumably starred sleeping with her not long after.

I'd be more than happy planting seeds of doubt, they might take a while to grow but they will.

I am going to add - don’t give the OW too much headspace. You have messaged. She is aware you exist. Who knows what he has said to her.

He is your husband. He has been unfaithful. The rest is gravy. You can privately hate her if it helps. Ultimately I wanted my son to like his dad’s partner because that’s what is best for him. I don’t have to!

Bastard. I am so sorry this is happening to you OP.

Agree wholly with pps, do not let him tell dd alone, you need to be there to prevent him bullshitting her.

This man is about to destroy her home and family, and tell her he's not only leaving her, but he's leaving the country because there's someone who matters more to him than she does. He has barely contacted her or seen her in six months. And he seriously wants to see her once a month - twelve times a year - plus take a seven year old not only to his new home, but a whole other country where she will have to in addition cope with a complete stranger who is in her dad's bed. I'd have questions about how he's thought this through and what exactly he thinks all this is going to do with his relationship with her? And to her in general as she tries to handle all this? How does he see her relationship with the new girlfriend going? Is the girlfriend up for this, what kind of a role does she see herself having in dd's life, and what will are his plans if they don't get along? He may be all loved up but he's shown how little she matters; do not let him do this to your poor daughter.

You might want to look for professional advice on how to support a child in this kind of situation. Initially he might need to pay for both of you to go out to wherever he is, and you and she stay in a hotel where he can visit her, take her out for a few hours, take her to visit the house, and then introduce her gradually to the girlfriend, and do this a couple of times with maybe her first overnight while you're nearby and she comes home with you before she tries going overseas with him alone.