My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

You deserve so so much better

Devastating for you OP.My heartfelt best wishes for your and your girl’s futures.

You will get the usual good, bad and mad advice here but just a couple of things from me. Apologies if they’ve already appeared.

Having contacted the OW you at least know you have the moral high ground of being a decent woman. You can now consign her to the very outposts of your brain.

You’ve already dealt with the Passport. Good.

I would suggest you agree with your husband what he will tell your daughter and I would insist on being with them when he tells her, to make sure he doesn’t depart from the script. None of this Mummy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore rubbish. The fact is he’s found someone he loves more than he does Mummy so he’s going to move to Spain to be with her. He can tell her he still loves her and she’ll be able to make her own mind up as she gets older. Don’t let him seduce her with tales of lovely Spanish holidays because that hasn’t been agreed. In fact, one of the reasons to be present when her tells her is to say ‘That hasn’t been agreed yet’, ‘That isn’t what you told me’, etc. You don't need to have any other input into the conversation apart from 'It's OK darling you'll still live with me'.

This idea of taking her to Spain for weeks in the summer would be a non-runner for me. He’ll have to have time off work unless he’s going to hand her over to a childminder so he might as well come over here to see her. I would suggest.at present, you say no trips abroad for her with him until she is able to hold her passport herself and understands why. You might want to consult a Family Solicitor as well as a Divorce one to take advice on whether to go to Family Court for various orders which will protect her and you with regard to residence, time she spends with him and the issue of going abroad.

Head high and dignity.

Edited to say. Oh, and I forgot. I’d suggest all communications regarding your daughter are through a co-parenting app. OurFamilyWizard is well recommended.

Leave the other communications re Divorce to the solicitors.

I think you did the right thing messaging her. I was unwittingly the other woman, which I only found out recently while going through divorce.

Don’t engage in revenge, etc. you need to look squeaky clean should you end up in court (I really hope you don’t).

"Yes, I knew he was married. I am very sorry for the pain this cause you. I never want to hurt you or your child. I understand this is very hard for you. "

It's amazing isn't it, this never wanting to cause any hurt or pain, when you've been knowingly shagging a woman's husband and are moving in with him in a different country to his god damn child.

Im so sorry you are having this shocking time. Be aware he has been talking about, and planning, this change with his little girlfriend for a long time. It is completely reasonable for you to want to take time to process it all before you agree to any arrangements for your life or your daughter’s. You can quite reasonably be in shock and not answer any messages, not open the door to him, not speak to his parents, anything. Wait until you feel settled and you know what you want.
What a nasty piece of work to plan this and feel no guilt, no shame, no remorse. The man has no honour and no character. Expect nothing but the worst from him going forward.

Absolutely this. In fact I'd just skip the trying to understand it part altogether. Dont waste another tear on this excuse for a man. He's a dick. End of story. Dont waste emotional energy on trying to figure out why. It's a story as old as time, sad bastard. Get yourself the absolute best lawyer you can, none of the free hour, do-it-yourself crap and go for as much as you possibly can. 100% custody obviously as he clearly couldn't care less about his child either. Arsehole. And when he tries to come crawling back you can take enormous pleasure in telling him to fuck off.

So sorry this has happened - take all the good advice and get a good solicitor! Hide your daughter’s passport and not in your own home. Good luck - your husband is a rat.

Ps his parents are obviously in on it - don’t trust them an inch.

his plan is he will come back to the uk one weekend a month to see DD and then take her to Spain for half of the school holidays.

Great idea. Because she’s just a toy you both like to play with, and he’s the co-owner. God forbid she might have preferences of her own, or not be interested in spending half her holiday playing fake happy families with him and his equally contemptible girlfriend.

You were right to message the OW, because she might have been a normal decent person who believed he was single. As she isn’t, and obviously doesn’t give a damn, you’re right to not message her again.

Besg of luck, OP XX

I would respond with two words. GOOD LUCK. 🤣
When telling your daughter, please make sure that he doesn't imply that it was a joint decision to break up, that it's him who decided to leave you (and not her of course, even though he is doing exactly that in effect) when she eventually meets the other woman she will put 2+2 together.

Hi OP, I won’t add to the excellent advice you have had here but just wanted to say you and your dd will be okay, it’ll be a painful journey but you will come out the other side. Just keep swimming x

Your friend isn't a very good solicitor then, as evidence of adultery will make no difference to the divorce or the divorce settlement.

So sorry you are going through this OP, but it's a story as old as time. As PPs have said, concentrate on the process now, and not looking ahead to how you might feel in the future.

My father left the country when I was a similar age, I spent three weeks with him every summer, it didn't destroy my mother because she just didn't care that much about him by then, and it was good for me. You need to think about your daughter, as I'm sure you are.

Solicitor time! Keep your kiddies close. The wounds will heal, similar thing happened to me, 1000% absolute trust crushed in a second, but you will survive this.

Your maths is wrong. OP indicates only 13 years between them, not 22…

This type of behaviour is heartbreaking. Awful. But you will be fine and you will heal. They also deserve each other it seems so onwards and upwards for you and your DD.

I hope the fallout from your interaction with the woman won’t have a detrimental effect on the divorce process.

Please, please think through any future major decisions really thoroughly and consider the potential risks associated with them.

Once you’ve made a decision, sit on it for a while. Sleep on it. Talk it through with a sensible and trusted friend. Talk to your solicitor.

Focus on the practical aspects. Read up on how to get the best outcome - Divorce for Dummies, Wikivorce, plus books that address the emotional aspects of getting divorced.

There’s no impact of contact with the OW on the divorce process. We’ve had no fault divorce here for several years now.

Even before no fault came in, any behaviour by the parties had no impact on the finances.

The potential impact is that her stbxh turns nasty

he's in the guilt phase so strike fast

Out of all the replies I hope you read this one OP. I agree about being present for when he tells your DD and no “we don’t love each other” It is all his decision. Bear in mind he will know you contacted OW and may get nasty about it.

Wouldn't be surprised if they'd discussed what she should say if you contacted her.

Also agree with PP who says parents will know more than they're letting on. It's their son after all and they'll protect him.

Essentially, in these situations, you're always the last to know.

Don't bother replying OP, she'll be celebrating he's finally told you and they can be together.
She may regret it one day, but in the early stages like now, all she'll be thinking about is her "prize".

Remember he's probably spun her one about you, so the more you engage with her, the more you confirm his narrative.

Sorry for your pain but you will get over him.

I personally didn’t expect any different reply from OW, these women know exactly what they’re doing and don’t care about the wife/child/children
They are as selfish as the husband

The best thing you can do to get revenge is through his pocket, take him for everything. Get the best deal for yourself and daughter.

I also would NOT help him with telling your daughter, let him do his own dirty work . Let him console her if he has to. You havnt caused this

I would be telling him -

1. He tells daughter the truth - met another woman
2. Daughter will not be staying with G.P next week so he gets to play devoted dad for a week

Good for you - that advice is unhinged. Keep your dignity.

I'm so sorry for you, your daughter, and his parents. For those saying they'd take his side-I doubt it! If my son or daughter marry when they grow up, if they abandon the parent of their child, they better believe I will always put the innocent ones (as in my grandchild and the faithful parent) first.
These grandparents sound like decent people as they've helped you so much, and they shouldn't be blamed for the decisions their adult son, and the woman knowingly destroying the life of another woman, chose to make (unless of course they're both cheats and brought him up to think sticking to marriage vows is optional).

No, you are financially in a good position. You want the house. All the house, to raise your daughter.

He can keep the rest and go.

That's your terms.

You daughter lives with you full time and any trips abroad include you... She doesn't go anywhere just with him.

Agree with previous posters... His parents are not your friends. Back off from them a long way. They will then put pressure on him which does you a favour and makes his life harder.

Take screenshots of everything. Good advice.

Get her passport in a safe, safe place.

And, rejoice. He's shown you he's horrid. Selfish, thoughtless and unkind.

Let the other woman deal with him. Good luck to her. A pretty 27 Yr old won't hang around long... She doesn't need the grief and he doesn't sound worth it to a woman with looks, money and no commitments :)

Wow! She's a complete ***!! I just can't comprehend women like this. Totally selfish. She can't be that great OP because what woman of quality would lower herself to this level with an old, married man. She's really scraping the bottom of the barrel.