My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

Ultimately this relationship will not work out and your husband will end up lonely sad old man with little or no relationship with his daughter. Stay strong, get all you can from the divorce and when the dust settles you will be a million times happier without this disgrace for a man in your life. Sending hugs xx

I’d reply “Not at all, I just wanted to make sure you knew in case you cared about that sort of thing. Seems you don’t, but thanks at least for helping to reveal his true character. It is better I found out now. Best”

Yeah, and the fact that she posted photos of them together on a public Instagram page makes it pretty clear that she didn’t care and wanted you to find out.

You need to use this to find your anger to defend yourself and DD. Good that you have a soliciter appointment for Friday but please also reach out to one that has a background in international custody agreements.

Its clear you are dealing with two very selfish people who don’t care about causing you pain which reinforces the need for you to not let DD go to Spain/leave the country. Do not agree to her going abroad for visitation. If he wants to see her he needs to fly home and stay with his parents to see her.

Does she have a Dutch passport? Make sure if not that you put things in place to prevent him getting one.

I think all the 'what a bitch' posts about the OW are handily deflecting blame from him. He is the one who is married, remember.
As for I think it’s better you speak with him about this., I can only agree.

As others have said, you do not need to do anything before you are ready. He has had 6 months knowing about this. You have just found out. Your daughter is only 4 and you have to have the time to really get to reflect on what is going to work best for her and for you. Good you are getting on the legal side asap. For the rest of it, take all the time you need. Your daughter has not had him around for 6 months already, it's not like him not being there now is something that is a sudden massive change for her that needs to be explained immediately. You know her best. You decide.

OP I presume you are suing for divorce on the grounds of adultery. You now have evidence of who to name on the papers. Show this to your solicitor.

Well given she is French-Spanish, English is probably her 3rd language. The rest is just Gen Z platitudes.

At least you now know that she knows. Find your anger and resolve.

He is a lying cheat and a fantasist if he thinks this as going to be as easy as the way he has it worked out in his adulterous head.

This will be extraordinarily painful for you. I have been there. But you will get through it. Lean on your mum and your close friends for support.

And try not to worry about him thinking he can take dd off to Spain this summer. He will need your permission and a court order to do so. Park things like this for now and focus on the initial steps.

But it was reasonable for OP to wonder whether he was lying to the OW and give her a heads up. Now she knows that it was something the OW already knew about, she knows what type of person he is with and can focus on the divorce.

You can no longer legally cite adultery as grounds for divorce in England and Wales. The solicitor will have no interest in the name of his mistress, neither will a judge.

1. Pack all his shit and throw it into the street, or incinerate it all.

2. Screenshot all evidence and paste it onto every single picture they have on social media, so all of her friends and family can see what a heartless, homewrecking madam she is, and the type of person he is, "Hello! Glad you had so much fun while he was meant to be away for work, while I was back at home working and raising our child."

3. Post it all locally. Make sure everyone knows what type of person he is to you and your child.

4. Get an injunction preventing him from taking your child from the country and mention it would be bad for her wellbeing because she becomes distressed when seperated from you, but he is welcome to visit her, at your home, supervised by his parents.

5. Tell him he must be the one to explain all of this to his child and you will be recording it all, as evidence and testament to the distress he will inevitably cause her (she might need counselling, but I sincerely hope she is resilient for your sake and hers.)

6. Contact his place of work and advise them they are now implicated in his affair and social media has gone viral with the tital "My husband had an affair while working abroad for <company>. You aren't slandering the company, but they might see it as your husband wasting company time and expenses conducting an affair during their time. Not to mention the implications.

7. Take him for every last penny and get his parents on your side.

8. Get a sugar daddy who works in law. Really crush the bastard.

I am so sorry this has happened to you, OP. My blood is boiling for you. I dispise this kind of injustice. I really hope he gets his karma. Those who fall from grace need no help. Don't worry, when she's 30 he will be 52, when she's 40 and still stunning he will be 62. I dated an older man -It didn't last. I was 19 and he was 35. Now he's old and wrinkly 🤢. This will happen to them.

Chin up, shoulders back, tits out, revenge dress on. You can take him down in flames.

I think you were right to message. It sounds like they are well suited and deserve each other. Saying that i doubt their relationship will last, hes a fool and you are well rid. Just prepare your smug laugh for when he tries to come crawling back.

Quite honestly it’s better if he does piss off out of the way and isn’t interfering in your day to day life. At least you know where you stand. This new relationship won’t last and he’ll be crawling back soon enough no doubt. Id also be surprised if he came back every month to see your daughter. Document everything he says and does, keep a diary to refer back to because everything is very overwhelming right now. I will never understand men who act like teenagers at the expense of their kids.

Do not listen to this. This could be harassment and it’s a bad idea to go down this route.

She sounds delightful. Do you feel better? I hope you at least got that bit out of your system.

Now crack on with getting everything in order and don’t let these two see you shed even a single tear.

I don’t think I want to do most of this. I like to think I can carry myself with grace and decorum.
I won’t be posting anything on her social media or any social media for that matter. Her family and friends aren’t my business. I only messaged her incase she was a decent person and didn’t know.

I also won’t be contacting his work place, he was there working as anyone else would and he doesn’t work with her, what he did outside of his work hours isn’t really any of his employers business.

I don’t want to do anything that makes me look bitter or vindictive, that will just give him and this woman something to laugh at.

Also! Screenshot all the Insta photos. They will come in handy for the divorce - I have a friend who works in law as a solicitor and she would advise you keep those photos and all messages as evidence in the divorce.

That's fair enough. You've a lot of patience! I'd be balls to the wall!

He’s an absolute dickhead and there would be no way in hell I’d be letting my child go to another country for weeks at a time with a woman I didn’t even know. I’m sorry but even if he decides to be with her he still needs to respect that you can’t just introduce a brand new partner to a child after a few months together.

so what kind of men are these? They don't see a child in their own right but as something that came out of the mother and this is it. New vagina, new lot coming out of the new one but where the first offspring fits into this picture??

@Notmyostrich make sure you’re the one to initiate proceedings. That way, if you need to, you can stiff him with costs at the end. That might stop him playing silly buggers, too.

I can't believe there are so many absolutely vile men. I aupaired twice for single fathers whose partners left them with a daughter and did not want to bother. I have seen good men so it is unbeliavable what one finds on here in so many many cases

Has he put in writing his intentions regarding contact with his dd?

You need to work out what financial settlement you want

if your pensions are similar and you earn well then consider taking the house in lieu of csa payments from him

in terms of access etc that will develop as reality hits but I would not allow him to take her out of the country until there is a court order in place and I would argue it wouldn’t be in her interests to be away from her social network for half the holidays etc

The best revenge will be OP handling herself with grace and dignity and getting everything she can from the divorce. You are still young op, you are clearly an educated and successful woman and you will come out on top. A year from now you won’t feel this horrible.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Screenshot the instagram pics with posting dates visible. Get your hands on all finances, paperwork. Anything and everything. Does he have a foreign bank account where his 6 month salary went? Find out work contracts. Snoop away. I'm glad his parents are thus far decent but they will absolutely always side with their son so be polite but don't tell them anything. Do not make any arrangements with him without a lawyer present.