My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

Well at least it shows you that you are wasting your time here. There is no love left, act accordingly. Good luck with the solicitor and stand your ground.

And can I just say what a fucking idiot she is. What a stupid, stupid woman, to shack up with a married father and think she'll live happily ever after. Her self esteem must be rock bottom to seek this kind of relationship.

Please, please, please DON'T do this!

There's no gain to you and it will create not just drama, but a complete shit storm.

I know your STBEX is a lying toad, but you really don't want to make an enemy out of him at this stage - it will make everything so much harder!

Edit: whoops, I see I was too late (my post crossed with yours). I'm glad it doesn't seem to have caused any extra drama.
Out of interest, did it make you feel any better?

Her reply annoys me. Dunno why but its like she used gpt to help her. I wish you strength ... good grief.
Send him packing. You are worth so much more.
Get the bin bags out and start shoving his stuff into it.

Yes the tone reads a little weird doesn’t it?
Maybe she doesn’t speak much English.

Out of the clear blue sky the other day my former brother in law called me and we had the loveliest conversation.
He said that all the family still considers ME the sister in law, not the stewardess.
And I’m ashamed of myself, but I went on Facebook and looked her up - she takes part in an activity that involves her body and she looks quite atrocious, as do all her friends.
AND - my ex-husband died a horrible death from cancer FIVE years ago!
I’ve had a hard time wrapping my head around that - that I’ve been angry with a dead man for the last five years.
I can’t get a grip on the fact he’s gone, I don’t know why.
I’m weirded out by it - if that makes any sense.
You can’t take it with you. He was so intent on taking money from me haha and look how far that got him. Gallows humour I guess.
And I wonder if he ever could have taken back all the cruel things - would he have? Can an amoral person feel remorse? I don’t know.
But he’s gone and I’m still standing.
And even in my darkest, most angry days, I NEVER EVER could treat someone as cruelly, punish someone as terribly, as he did me.
And I’ll NEVER understand that.
But I’m kind. I have common decency. There are lines I will never cross.
And after that I dated a time or two but my heart just wasn’t in it. Because of his behaviour I was forced to declare bankruptcy - I had to appear in court and it was humiliating.
I lost everything, including my desire to love or be loved.
But not my ability to get really angry. Hahaha

" That says a lot about her character I guess."
Indeed. Still, silver lining - two selfish people together are unlikely to make each other happy once the exciting illicit stage is over. And you - you are well shot of him. He is not the man you thought he was. ((hug))

I give it a year, tops.

I read it as a non-native English speaker.

I would have contacted her too. At least now you know that part of the story.

If it's any consolation OP, they won't live happily ever after. When they are both capable of this betrayal and deceit, something will go wrong like another affair. Especially with the age gap.

I'd feel exactly the same as you about not wanting your daughter to go to Spain for weeks at a time. If he wants to see her, tell him to come to the UK. Presumably he'd be taking the time off work to look after her during the proposed visit times. Let him spend that time in the UK instead.

I'm so angry on your behalf. How fucking dare they. Thank goodness you're in a financially stable position.

Her reply was
Hi. Yes, I knew he was married. I am very sorry for the pain this cause you. I never want to hurt you or your child. I understand this is very hard for you. I think it’s better you speak with him about this. I wish you strength.

What a load of bollocks. If she never wanted to hurt you then she wouldn't be shagging him. That's a pathetic attempt at her trying to justify her actions to herself. What a horrible bitch she is.

"Your child". His child too, as inconvenient as that is for her.

I really don't understand what sort of man goes to live halfway across Europe from his 7 year old daughter. Yes people split, affairs happen, but that?

I think you were right to contact her OP. Better for you to know that she knows than to think things might be different if only she knew.

Well, now you know and don't have to waste a minute torturing yourself about whether she knew or not. Use the knowledge that she is fully aware she's breaking up a marriage and helping to deprive a child of its father by moving with him to another country to grow your anger and get tough in the divorce proceedings. It's not going to be easy but one day you'll look back and realise she's done you a massive favour.

@Notmyostrichnow you know and you can move on. As I said above, he’s clearly found his match. She’s 27 - young and stupid, I’d wager. I’m sure being so far away must have helped - you’re probably not “real” to her. I’ll repeat my good wishes to you and your DD.

Her reply sounds like you would expect it to from someone who speaks English as a second language TBF.
Sending you a hug, it sounds like he has his life all planned from now on, how disappointing that he’s turned out to be a 💩.
Deciding that not wanting to live in the UK and not wanting to be with your spouse is one thing, starting an affair within weeks of heading out, lying and being dishonest is totally another.
I wouldn’t keep looking at the pictures of them together or worry about how glamorous she is etc
Try not to look too far ahead regarding arrangements for your DD, get your legal advise at your appointment and go from
there.
I very much doubt he will continue to put much effort into his child once he goes back and I find it very unlikely he will come back a weekend a month in the end and want her for weeks on end over there whilst he’s working etc
He’s basically been footless and fancy free for 6 months and only visited the once at Christmas whilst you’ve carried everything back home.
I think you’re well shot of him and hope in time you’ll see he’s done you the biggest favour (and I hope he has a miserable time and she leaves him for someone else once he thinks his life is all settled!)

What a bitch.
She knew he was married with a child.
That says a lot about her.........

Well that’s shown what she’s like! I wouldn’t let him take your DD to Spain. He can spend time with her in the UK.

Im glad you messaged her OP as it has removed the question of “Did she know?” from your mind, and now you also have a clearer idea of what kind of woman she is and what kind of ‘relationship’ they have.

They are two very, very selfish people.

So take a breath and prepare yourself for the battle - but you will come through this and your daughter will always know that she can trust and rely on you x

This

Not read every post but I’m hoping you know:
This isn’t just an affair/falling in love…
This is a choice made by an adult.
Persistent lying, gaslighting and betrayal over months.
Financial abuse- he’s spent money on this woman
Abandonment of you and your child.
I’m glad you didn’t have sex or your Christmas gift could have been an STI.
Have a look at chumplady.com. It’s American so the legal side is different - but brilliant insights and wisdom.
Ignore his terms and his conditions around eg child access. Do not allow your child out of the country! If he wants that he will have to a) be divorced and b) go to court.
Best of luck OP

I very much doubt he will continue to put much effort into his child once he goes back

They never do, even if they still live in this country.

................and I find it very unlikely he will come back a weekend a month in the end and want her for weeks on end over there whilst he’s working etc

No, of course he won't.
It sounds like he'll be expecting the girlfriend to do a lot of the "looking after" anyway. I bet she'll soon get sick of it.

Seven year old girls start to get attitude once they're approaching puberty (which happens fairly soon after this age) so it's going to be tricky for him. And his bit on the side.
They'll argue about the child, you wait. Then he'll have to agree not to have her over so often.

Poor DD.

Not was married but still is married and until he told you about her did she know he was calling you. Silly woman and shit husband and father. I wish you strength 💐

Definitely hit him very hard in the wallet - all you can. No way would my daughter be staying with him. I would say to him that it's a no- she may as well get used to him not being around. Being a father is a privilege. He has checked out of that 1

I'm so sorry OP.
You don't have to dance to his tune or timeline. You have every right to say no, that doesn't work for you and he can wait, do things when you're ready etc.
As everyone else has stated, get copies of everything bit of paperwork possible but DONT let him know what you're doing as he will try and hide stuff. Be amicable in this initial stage so that you can get everything that you need from him (secretly as possibles) such as pensions, salary, work details, bank accounts etc.
Also remember any joint accounts are just that. He can empty joint savings accounts etc and spend your money on the OW. Change passwords, do whatever necessary.
Maybe also contact CMS as I don't know if living abroad will affect his payments and their ability to get money from him?
Oh and get legal advice!

My brother's wife did this albeit they didn't have kids.
But yeh, they got married the same yr she then left him after being together for 14 yrs and she flew back to be my bridesmaid, flew back to where she was working and ended it with my brother. Vile vile vile.
The guy has left his wife and child for mt brother's wife. It was a mess but I did so much detective work I figured the Affair had been going on yrs.

You need to be super strong, organised and angry.
He's awful for just up and leaving his child

I imagine his plan is basically to outsource his parenting to his parents. I doubt he will come back every month, the novelty of that will wear off. It’s also not enough contact.