My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

I disagree. He tells dd; mum is there so she can hug dd while he tells her and he doesn’t get to spin it his way.

You could put pictures of you and your daughter on instagram and tag him. She will likely see that way but you wouldn’t have to message her directly.

Awful OP, I’m so sorry. You did nothing wrong it’s all on him. I agree get everything in order and do whatever you can to get as much as possible for yourself in the divorce. He’s shown who he really is even if it’s hard to believe. Act now, think later.

Do not message this woman, if you do, you will be blocked immediately and you might need her SM to keep and eye on them.

Speak to and retain the services of a lawyer before you agree anything with your soon to be ex.

Take your time, don’t let him browbeat you into making any decisions. However, his keenness to wrap things up quickly could be to your advantage because he might be more generous in his haste. Remember, to keep any information about your next move away from his parent’s. As lovely as they are, he and not you, are their priority.

Im so sorry this has happened to you.

I think I'd message her and say I am his wife, he has told me he wants a divorce and to move to be with you and have our child with him half the holidays. Are you aware of all this?

If she doesn't know he is married and has a kid and maybe doesn't even want him making grand gestures to move to be with her it is probably best she knows sooner rather than later.

Edited- I have revised my view, I see the benefits others have pointed out of not letting on you know who she is, especially as you are playing catch up.

Definitely don’t contact the OW. Sort out your side of things first. Let her find out later.

I could be wrong but dh cannot take Dd abroad without your permission. So whatever he wants to do, he can wait until it’s settled in court.

For now just nod along and say “let’s see how things go - you have six months head start on me, I only just found out you have been lying and pretending and cheating on dd and me. I need time to catch up and figure it all out.”

Tell him under NO circumstances are you letting him take her to DGP for a week after he’s ruined her childhood by telling her he is leaving. Say she has just got used to dad being absent in South America and she needs the stability of sleeping in her own bed. He can come and visit dd at the house, he can take her out for a day trip to dgc, but he will return her to sleep at your home. No way would I accept him taking her away when she needs YOU . You will be the one putting the pieces back together as she comes to terms with her dad’s abandonment.

Your DH’s parents will very quickly move to support him I suspect. I would not treat his parents as your friends, don’t confide in them, keep them out of it.

I assume all the posters encouraging OP to message the other woman would love an update on the outcome of that! 🙄

@Notmyostrich it may be tempting but you owe this woman nothing. She hardly sounds like someone who is vulnerable and has been duped. He will be lying to her but it isn't your problem. Messaging her will anger him and it will ultimately cause YOU further distress and upset.

As hard as it is, you have to try and put emotions to the side for now. Initiating divorce first gives you your power back and allows you to take control of what comes next. I imagine he may be feeling some guilt right now too, so capitalise on that by moving as quick as you can to formalise separation and finances.

I think opinion is split on letting him take your dd for a week. I am usually the first to say as long as they are happy to go.. take some time for yourself etc. But given how this has happened and the fact you are reeling from all this, while he has had months to mentally plan, I say keep dd with you. The man clearly is a liar, I wouldn't trust him to not spin a few to her - especially as he is about to blow up her little life.

It is great to read you earn well and the home is paid for. The hardest part of divorce for so many women is the financial side of things. The heart heals but hardship is much more challenging to recover from.

He doesn't deserve you or your dd.

Hello

I understand that this message may come as a surprise, but I believe we have a person in common: husband's name.

I am not sure if he has told you that he is married to me and we have a child. He has just told me about you and that you have been in a relationship with him whilst he was in XXXX.

The entire time he was in XXXX, over Christmas when he returned to spend time with his family, and since his return to the UK, he was a married man with a child. As far as I was aware, and the impression that he always gave me, was that we continued to be in a committed relationship during this time. We were not on a break, separated, or divorced.

As I do not know the circumstances under which you chose to engage in a relationship with him, I wanted to let you know this in case he has misrepresented himself and his circumstances to you.

I've had to message other women connected to my ex in the past. My experience is that it is very much a case of it goes one way or the other. They either respond and want to talk or they ignore or reply very guardedly. I think if you choose to do it, just prepare yourself for any outcome and that's okay. It isn't a reflection on you at all.

Asking for DD to come away from her main home for a week immediately after being told of his decision to divorce is off the scale selfish of him - my heart goes out to you OP - so often attitudes are imprinted on partners by inlaws - your MIL is playing a prominent role in the arrangements - is he an only son by any chance ?

I would comment on every picture of them on her Instagram ‘Hey! That’s my husband, why are you sharing so many pictures of another woman’s husband???

And I would private message her saying ‘You do realise that on your picture dated January 8th, he rang home to tell me he loved me. He’s lying to both of us. Good Luck!

It may change nothing, but it stirs the pot a bit and I would be doing everything in my power to take him fucking down now.

I would get your ducks in a row ASAP with this you can process your feelings and anything else including deciding whether or not to message her later. Also check how things stand custody wise and with visits overseas etc. Keep this information to yourself once you find out.

Make sure your DD knows the decision to leave is all purely down to your DH. He still loves her so this is not her fault or yours. It’s all purely his doing.

On another note an ex colleague found herself in a very similar situation many years ago. Her DH got a job in Dubai initially for a few months. They had a similar aged child. The money was good he came home, they visited him they communicated regularly etc. Then one day out of the blue he announced he had met someone over there, didn’t love her, wanted a divorce and he but was staying over there with the other woman indefinitely. He wasn’t bothered about his son, who as a teen got into trouble but his mum always stood by him. Anyway after a while he and his other woman split up, he enjoyed the lifestyle a bit too much and became an alcoholic. The son grew up, settled down and has two kids of his own. The ex DH now wants to come back to the UK and live with them as he has sores on his legs and isn’t in the best place health wise. He is surprised and annoyed that neither his son who he has barely had any contact with or his ex wife want him living with them or want to care for him now.

I wouldn’t waste time or energy messaging the OW. Even if it puts her off him, do you want him back? No, let him go, clear your space and be free of this useless man. Sounds like your financial position is sound, shore it up with good legal advice - you might have this on home insurance or via EAP at work. He’s dumb/determined enough to have told his parents this is happening, so let it be. It’s a horrible shock and I really feel for you, but for now focus only on yourself and your child. Leave him to his silly antics.

Your DD can decide in time if she wants to spend half her holidays with him and a strange woman in another country.

It is very very painful now, but in the fullness of time, he has given you the great gift of being shot of such a horrible prick. You could have wasted your life on him. Now you are free. Please stay cool and calculating and take him for everything. And I’d be taking all legal means to block him taking DD abroad. He’s simply not trustworthy . Let him spend his weekends on easyJet and the Gatwick express (or wherever you are). And that daft amoral young woman will soon tire of his boring middle aged crises - or maybe she’ll get pregnant and he’ll have to go off with someone else when it gets boring. What a scum bag. Wishing you strength right now and happiness to come.

Good riddance to him. I'd be tempted to get his stuff bagged up and ready. I would be as transactional as possible but angry inside.
Bet he will tell your daughter he has to work abroad like it's not his decision as well but she's only 7 so how he can break her heart is unforgivable.

Absolutely this 💯
I'm sorry OP 💐 Your husband is a disgrace. I would send her screenshots of his messages to you since he's been with her so he can't spin it that you're lying.
It's not causing more drama, he's the one causing drama, you'd just be telling the truth. If she's a decent woman, she'll dump him, his little honeymoon will be over and he'll be more likely to stay in this country, which will be better for your DD. If she doesn't care then she's either pretty ruthless and will probably do the same to him, or just dumb. It always amazes me why younger women go for older men, can't see the appeal.
Either way you are better rid of this man.

I'm not the biggest fan of your Bad As. attitude, but you are absolutely right! It's rough, but the right advice.

My heart goes out to you OP
I don't have any words that will make you feel any better other than you have a lot of support from mumsnetters.
Moment by moment and as others have said, you will need to lean on close friends and family.
If you are based in the UK, the samaritans can be very helpful at times of desperation in the middle of the night. I have used them myself.
You have every right to be upset and angry and totally bewildered by it all.
Sending you strength OP

You poor thing. I hope you are angry enough to get through this. There's time to be sad later.
I just wanted to say that I think it would be better for your daughter to not stay with him. She is used to his absence and best keep her with you, rather than going through and missing her dad all over again.
If you've got Instagram with lots of family photos on, I'd be tempted to friend request the ow and let her see for herself if what he's told her is true. Well, either that or tell her direct.

I wouldn't message the OW. Whether she knows or not, your priority is your daughter and then yourself, and there is no point in massively pissing off someone who you may be going into a legal battle with. I imagine maintenance etc is much harder to sort internationally so you will be relying on goodwill to a greater extent and you don't want to erode that just for the sake of revenge or making sure she is going into it eyes wide open. If you do decide to let her know I'd get someone else to tag you both in a recent picture or something that you can claim no knowledge of.

Also focus on whats best for your daughter in discussions - is it best for her to spend 4 weeks straight with someone who she won't have lived with for 6 months or more beforehand, for example? I'd make it clear that you want to support their relationship but her needs must be the priority. And that might be building up time away until she is older, listening to what she wants, spending 4 weeks but split 2 weeks at the beginning of summer and 2 at the end etc etc.

this is an awful situation OP. I am so sorry. Having seen my friend go through something similar and how hard it was you have a long road to go done but it will all work out good for you in the end.

can someone you know happen to comment on her pictures and point out he’s married?

This.

I'd agree to her going to Spain for 1 week in summer but I would go too and stay in hotel close by. However that's a decision for another day. Just take it bit by bit.

I know it’s probably an unpopular choice, but I decided to message her after speaking to my mum and my closest friend. Both felt that I should do whatever makes me feel better right now and not torture myself by hold in things in.
Her reply was
Hi. Yes, I knew he was married. I am very sorry for the pain this cause you. I never want to hurt you or your child. I understand this is very hard for you. I think it’s better you speak with him about this. I wish you strength.

So she knew fine well he was married and seems to not care. That says a lot about her character I guess.