My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

I didn't want to read and run. I am so sorry you're going through this. What a fool he is.

Be kind to yourself lovely.

It probably won't even last weeks when she is back home and picks up with all her friends again. He'll not be her priority and then he'll want to come back.

Get your stuff sorted and start divorce sending out a clear message to him that you don't want her second hand slops back.

I wouldn’t assume that his parents don’t already know, if he’s asking for your daughter to go to his parents with him so he can play Disney dad and then fuck off and leave her. The parents will know before he tells your daughter. I personally wouldn’t allow her to go there because I’m guessing you are her safe person, so you need to be with her or at least in the background for her to get support. I also agree with other posters saying keep hold of her passport and birth certificate. Just in case.

I think a dad leaving behind his 7 year old daughter so he can move to another country to be with another woman is still a form of betrayal.

To betray someone means to be disloyal to them.

If I was a 7 year old, and my dad told me he was choosing to move abroad in order to be with another woman, and in doing so it meant he was only going to see me 2 days a month, I would feel very betrayed.

He's hardly demonstrating loyalty and commitment to his daughter is he.

Read update.

it might burst their bubble and he might not go and live in spain
And then what happens? He crawls back to the OP? If I were her and this burst their bubble I'd still divorce him.
OP, I wouldn't contact her. You need to be the bigger person. Don't give him any ammo at all to allow him leverage by arguing that you are 'hysterical', 'mad', 'vindictive', you know, all the usual things that get levelled at women.

EDITED: typo

NO NO NO! Do not message her. Right now he doesn't know you know who she is. He doesn't need to know anything you've discovered since his announcement. He will then know you aren't 'paralyzed' into inaction. And I don't mean to be cruel, but what does it really matter if she knows or not? It won't change a single thing and won't affect the outcome of a divorce. And if by chance she called it off, would/could you really take him back after what he's done? For me the trust would be so broken I'd never want him under my roof ever again.

Keep your cards close to your vest. Say nothing. Don't tell his parents anything. In this they may not be your enemies, but they are not now your friends.

The element of surprise is all you have right now. See that solicitor, take a 2nd pair of ears with you. Get documents and important papers out of the house. Quietly research everything you can on his finances, search the house even amongst any papers he may have. He's known this for 6 months. He could have been quietly socking money away in an account who knows where since then.

He is 6 months ahead of you on this journey you've just taken your first steps on. You need to do a quick but quiet catchup. You may want to speak with the solicitor on the advisability of getting some sort of 'preemptive' order prohibiting him from removing DD from the country. Better safe than sorry.

Deep breath. Stand tall. You can do this!

So a 6 month affair is more important to him than his own DD given the plans he's put forward about moving and contact.

Don't allow him to talk to DD without you there. In fact I'd be trying my best to make sure he isn't alone with her because he will tell her all sorts of manipulative shit.

That would be a hard no from me about DD going to Spain. How about he uses his annual leave to visit the UK for half the summer holidays to spend time with her. Why should DD be shipped over there where she will know no one and not be able to come home to you if she's had enough. Absolutely not!! I'd be amazed if he keeps up the regular contact anyway. Guarantee it will fizzle put pretty damn quick but he'll still try and play the Disney dad with holidays and Christmas.

I agree with others who have said don't contact the OW right now. It's just going to aggravate things. Let the dust settle, get the divorce any everything sorted. If his plan is for DD to be in Spain in the holidays then OW must know about her but I expect he's told her that he's long separated from you. What a piece of work.

I personaly hope the Op wouldn't take the creepy shit back but..
Perhaps the 27 year old might not be so love struck if she see he was messaging his wife lovey dovey messages, keeping the wife as back up in case Ow backs off.
This might mean his new romamce fails he stays in the uk.Which in turn would mean it is easier to get child support and his daughter hets to sees him.
But it could go the other way it's true and the OW doesn't want to believe the message.
Of course it's important to concerntrate on what you can get now finacialy for yourself and your daughter.
I realise this is a real life situation and I'm sorry you OP have to live it, I hope you decide what is right for you.

Many moons ago when working abroad my sister had a relationship with a man who told her he was divorced. The whole spiel (the wife was cruel and mean and they had drifted and every other part of the script you can imagine). Anyway, DSis ended up finding out through a mutual acquaintance that this was all lies, and he was still very much married. She was so angry (with him) and of course ended it. She was also so grateful to have known the truth. He tried the whole “I just wanted to be sure, it’s definitely over now, I love you” BS. He tried to crawl back to his wife, but had been found out and she started divorce proceedings. The stupid pillock imploded his whole life. And DSis didn’t trust men for YEARS.
All that to say - if he can lie to you then chances are he’s lying to her too.

Please don't message her yet OP. Not whilst it's all so new and fresh. It will piss off your H and create a 'You vs Them' dynamic - something you don't need at this point.

Whilst you are going to be negotiating how things move forward, don't give him any reason to turn on you - keep him feeling guilty, apologetic and with his tail between his legs in order to leverage as much in your favour as you can.

Once things have settled and you are clear on childcare and finances (and feeling stronger) - have another think about whether you want to send a message.

I'm sorry this has happened to you! I'm sending massive hugs your way and to your daughter xx

don’t blow up his relationship until you have the divorce sorted and try and sort it quick

given his expectations around residency I would try and get as much of the house as possible tbh so that you don’t have to worry about buying him out / moving etc

This might mean his new romamce fails he stays in the uk.Which in turn would mean it is easier to get child support and his daughter hets to sees him.
Yes, that's true, I just think the OP needs to be impeccable. I've seen too many shitty men undermining or trying to undermine too many of my female friends in these sorts of custody situations.

What kind of a man says 'I'm in love with you so I'll leave my young child behind and follow you to Spain' instead of 'I'm in love with you, you are young and single with no real responsibilities, so you should come to the UK to be with me because I need to stay there for my child.' ?

Affairs happen. People leave. It's shit, but it's life. But what the hell is he playing at doing it like this? In fact if you ever get to speak to this woman that's the first thing you should be saying to her. She probably thinks he's the man of her dreams and she's already planning a future with him. Ask her how she'd feel about him if he did that to her child? There really are no excuses for it. It makes him a shitty father and a shitty man.

I wouldn't allow him to take DD to his parents to stay. If he wants to spend time with her before he fucks off for good then make him do it in her own home. Also when he says he wants to tell DD 'together' I understand why you may feel you have to be there for her when she hears it, and to be witness to what he says, but under no circumstances should you be expected to help him out with this.

He's the one who wants this, so let him do the talking. And tell him in advance that you won't collude in any nonsense along the lines of 'mummy and daddy have decided...' or 'we aren't making one another happy any more' or any of that shit. This is all on him. Make him own it. If he says anything patently untrue you will correct him in front of your daughter. 'The phrases he is looking for are 'I don't love mummy any more' and 'I want to live somewhere else/ move to Spain.' Not 'I have to' or 'I need to'. No. He WANTS to.

Obviously you will need to speak to your DD afterwards to soften the blow as much as you can, but don't you dare let him off the hook by making it look like a joint decision.

You wouldn’t be causing any drama, he’s the one who caused it. If you feel like messaging her just do it, make her aware of the situation she’s in, in case he hasn’t.

If it is a public instageam I'd be tempted to ask a friend to comment "isn't that Notmyostrich's husband?" Might not actually do it but would be sorely tempted.

@Notmyostrich I’m so sorry, OP. I can’t believe the way so many men can you just abandon their children. One weekend a month and half the school holidays really isn’t much of a relationship.

I would also message the OW just in case she doesn’t know he’s married. Send screenshots of the messages he was sending you. If she did know he was married, I would tell her she needs to remember that if he did this to one woman, it’s likely he’ll do it again. And if she were to want kids with him - he’s abandoned his child before, too.

Good luck - hope you can take him to the cleaners!

You must be reeling. You are playing catch up with all this. Please remember he is no longer your friend so do not trust him.

But he need not think he has all the power. I'd agree with him. Yes let's divorce. Yes you leave. Then get a solicitor and secure yours and your DDs financial future because even if he makes generous noises these won't last. Especially if his new gf wants more money and/or a baby.

It’s not fighting over him. If he’s not told her he’s married, that’ll mess things up nicely for him, and then she can divorce him. If she did know, then OP will know he must have found his soul mate - someone else happy to break up a family and potentially traumatise a child.

I would message her then. Not to thwart their relationship but because the poor girl needs to know the truth.

He's he gonna be a parent from abroad ..?

How's he

Messaging her could make him turn nasty

the two men I know who’ve done this - the other woman knew and didn’t care. In one case a teenage child called her up devastated and told her their side - she just laughed and said it didn’t matter to her.

op knows nothing about the other woman