My husband had to work abroad for 6 months, he had an affair, now he wants to move to her country

[Notmyostrich]

My DH and I have been together for 14 years, we have one child together who is 7.
Last year his company acquired a company in South America, he was asked to go over for 3 months and support the integration, this was extended to slightly over 6 months, he came home for 2 weeks over Christmas. He got back on Saturday. It wasn't ideal, but the pay offered was incredible and our marriage was steady in my mind, I trusted him. His parents helped with childcare. He called almost every day at the start, usually he would call his parents on his lunch break which was around the time DD got out of school, to speak to DD, then me when his work day ended around 9/9.30pm our time. It stopped being daily a month or so in, but I respected he was busy and we text often.

Over Christmas we didn't really get any alone time, we spent a week with his parents, then a week with mine. I didn't get any feeling something was off, though looking back we didn't have sex once while he was back, I put it down to being at our parents, busy with Christmas plans etc.

On Sunday night DD stayed at my parents for us to have some us time. He sat me down and told me the marriage was over, he no longer loved me and he couldn't continue in it. That he would go and stay at his parents, until we could iron out the divorce. I was and I still am totally distraught. I begged to know why and only after 2 hours of fake answers, did he finally tell me he had been having an affair while abroad, with a woman who was also there for work and is only 27! He is 40!
He told me it started a few weeks in, he met her at a week or so in, and it evolved from there. She is still there but is regularly based in Madrid (she is French-spanish, but based in Spain). He told me his plan is to sort out the divorce and then move to Spain (his dad is Dutch so he has a European passport).

I am in utter shock, it feels like a story line from a bad film, not like something that could actually happen.

I don't understand how this could have happened, and worse how on earth moving away from his child seems like a normal thing to do in his mind! I keep trying to figure out how this will even work, but he said we should take space for a week and speak at the weekend about logistics. He is staying at his parents, he wants to tell DD together at the weekend but I can't even start to imagine what we say to her! He has asked If DD can stay at his parents with him next week as he has the week off and wants to do school run etc.

AIBU to feel totally dumbfounded, not to mention hurt and devastated and betrayed? How do I even start to make sense of this? What do I need to get in order? How could this have possibly happened? I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and not noticing sooner!

I agree with this.
Fuck dignified silence. I'd tell her she's welcome to him and you and his daughter are better off without a lying husband/father.
I'd also post it on her Instagram under some of those photos and sign it 'hisname wife' so everyone else can see what's been going on 😁

Divorce proceedings?

You've done nothing wrong you are not an idiot he is and soon she will see sense and run and his karma can keep him company

Eughhhh men

I'm not saying never let DD abroad with him, but there are very strict laws around this. It's not easy to get a child back if they're taken and not brought back. You need to understand the law and get advice from a lawyer.

There also needs to be some level of trust if you're going to let him take your DD abroad with him. Given he's willing to blow up your DD's life right now it's quite clear to see her wellbeing is not his primary concern. How would that translate in a new environment? It's clear you don't really know him, you can't let him take your daughter (and incidentally in law he should not take her without your consent) without being sure you can trust him to put her safety and needs first. Can you?

I would suggest that one element of rebuilding the trust he has shattered and in you being able to trust he will safeguard your child properly would be to demonstrate he can be a reliable part-time parent via contact in the the UK. Before allowing him to take your DD abroad.

I wouldn't be massively surprised if he didn't honour his promises to come over and see DD once a month. We'll see I suppose.

Divorces in the uk and now ‘no blame’

Don't get drawn into this. You owe her nothing and it's extremely unlikely she doesn't know he is married.

You have MUCH more important things to do. Focus on you and your child. Take DH for everything you can. Get ruthless.

The lying, cheating bastard has broken up your family and leaving you to be a single parent so he can fuck a 27 year old. He's single handedly fucked up your poor DD for life. She is now part of a broken home and no longer has a dad in her life. She has to spend her holidays in Spain with the mistress now? Come on. Get angry OP.

As tempting as it is, @Notmyostrich, do NOT contact her. It would put his back up and create unnecessary drama - and cause him to fight you for every penny and go for maximum contact with your daughter.

Play it cool and keep your cards close to your chest. Tell him you want to get the divorce done as quickly and amicably as possible….. whilst going for the best settlement possible.

Keep your eyes on the prize!

I think you should tell the OW as well.Only because it might burst their bubble and he might not go and live in spain, if she finds out the truth.This might be finacialy better for you and emotionly better for your daughter.
Could you send the Ow proof he was sending I love you messages while, being lovey dovey with OW?

This!

As tempting as it is you a much more likely to get the agreements you want, ongoing maintenance and settlement whilst he does have a level of ongoing guilt and wants a clean break.

Get ducks in a row which includes pension information - if he has a good one then maybe would consider clean break and leave you the house on the basis you don't touch his pensions.

Grey rock and keep your cool - get a good solicitor!

So he's planning on coming home one weekend a month to see dd: what do you say???

That's not enough. What kind of a feckless parent is he?

You could theoretically make him co-parent 50/50 through the courts: so there'd be no living in Spain then.

How easy these men absolve themselves of responsibility!! His daughter, she's 7! And he's happy with only seeing her two days a month?

All for a 27 year old fling who he met on holiday. Bright lights, siestas, sangria, all that shit. Rather than a seven year old child. His very own.

My mind boggles

What Scottish and enrichetta said : grey rock, keep cool and take him to the cleaners. Practicality, sensibly and legally. Emotions can come afterwards.

By God he's shown you his colours, and you can act accordingly.

Look after yourself. It's agonising. Note what @Gottabestrong has pointed out: what on earth would his childcare arrangements be for 4 weeks? Surely that's most of anybody's annual leave! What's he planning to do about this, in a country where he'll have no family and no social network? Who does he think is going to be looking after DD? Especially as DD presumably can't speak Spanish? Talk to your solicitor about rigorous childcare arrangements: he must not dump the poor child with a total stranger (especially not a non-English speaker) for weeks every summer. Most likely in a flat, because most urban Spanish people haven't got gardens. Go to court on this question. He has to be legally obliged to do what's best for DD. (Maybe he thinks his parents will go to Spain too for a month every summer. The OW would have quite a time of it ....)

When he tries to rewrite history, the OP will have irrefutable evidence of his despicable behaviour.

If he claims the marriage ended mutually, she has evidence otherwise. If I ever had to reclaim the public narrative, I would have no qualms in sharing those photos with my/his friends and family.

Personally, I would stay quiet, no contact with the other woman. You are not responsible for his misdeeds. Focus on negotiating the best outcome for you and your child.

I completely understand wanting to contact OW, I nearly did this myself on Twitter, (no Insta then). I sat on my hands a few times when she posted lovey dovey stuff, I'm so glad now I didn't. You will feed into his narrative of being the unhinged ex, she's likely to listen to him not you.
One day you will no longer care about her or him as hard as that is to believe at the moment and you will be glad you didn't contact her. Try not to look at her SM, I did and it didn't do me any good, it was like a form of self harm I knew I had to give up for my own sanity.

Anything you write needs to be something you are comfortable being read aloud in court, surely.

He has probably acknowledged your existence but fed her a line about your marriage being over. He may have even told her that you are separated.

I don't think there is any point in contacting her. He is now her problem.

I’d take legal advice asap from a lawyer specialising in international custody cases and check that it isn’t a country with no reciprocal treaty with the U.K. And in the meantime I’d conceal your child’s passport.

(Maybe he thinks his parents would go to Spain for a month in summer... Other woman would have quite a time of it etc)

😂

Indeed.

(She'll probably have run off with Juan by that point)

I was the child in this situation, my dad had an affair which caused my parents to divorce. I’m forever grateful to my mum that she handled the situation with such dignity and strength, and didn’t drag me into the drama my dad caused. She didn’t try to make me stop loving my dad, which would be incredibly hard for an 8-year-old and my relationship with my dad continued. When I was an adult I learned about the reasons for the divorce, and although I strongly disapprove of my dad’s actions as a husband, I still love him as my dad. I definitely don’t think it’s ok nor would I accept cheating from a partner. I hope I’d be as strong as my mum and divorce him, show him my anger, walk away with my head high, all while still allowing my child to have a loving relationship with him. Honestly, I’m in such awe of my mum! Only now that I’m married with a child myself I can see how painful this must have been for her, but it was so beneficial for me to continue a strong relationship to both my parents post their divorce.

Edit to add: you say that he has betrayed her. No, he has betrayed her mother, not her. He doesn’t love her mother anymore, not her.

I think you should be present when he tells his daughter so he isn't tempted to give a narrative in which you're the baddie (eg "Mummy doesn't love me" or whatever). Also it will help you to support her if you know exactly what's been said.

I would also message her, not to get him back because he's a cheating liar and you don't need that in your life, but to make sure she is aware he's a cheating liar and ditching his young child and wife without a care in the world.

I agree. Don’t allow him to spin a false narrative but don’t otherwise contribute. Focus on supporting your daughter in adjusting to this devastating new reality.