Or are young people becoming increasingly insular/scared/lacking in motivation and drive?

[walkies77]

Sorry, this is going to be long.

Something I've noticed with my own children, and wondering if this is just us or if others have noticed the same. I'm not particularly driven or ambitious myself, but I do think you need to make something of your life and have experiences/pursuits/adventures.

Examples:

• Both kids have given up almost all their hobbies (despite our resistance), including ones they used to really be into.
• An academically able child fought nail and tooth to go to the local college rather than stay in their private school or go to a local grammar school. Now at said college their attendance is really poor and they are scaling down their effort, even talking about pursuing a career in childcare rather than their previous area of interest.
• Same child got an opportunity to go on a school trip to New York and we managed to negotiate a discounted price but in the end they said they didn't want to go.
• They also really didn't want to go on a young people's conference in Spain focusing on a theme that they were very interested in but I insisted and in the end they had a good trip and performed really well.
• Other child has a once-in-a-lifetime school trip to Bali in the summer, which we have been saving for for over a year. Now they don't want to go because they are afraid to go scuba-diving and feel insecure around people.
• Both like to spend most of their free time in their rooms on their devices, letting their rooms become a tip and not doing anything towards schoolwork unless nagged and nagged and often not even then.
• One child is seriously at risk of failing some of their GCSEs but doesn't seem to see it as a serious thing despite endless amounts of constructive conversations, nagging, supportive measures etc etc etc.

Is this a post-Covid/state of the world thing where they perhaps feel so disheartened by the future they just sign off everything? It's a bit daunting when every other day there is a news story of bright Oxbridge graduates struggling to get a job so where does that leave the less driven or able young people?

Or is it an electronic devices thing?

Or what?

I work from home and don't get around much but fantasise of being able to travel the world and see and experience things.

What's happened to young people? AIBU?

I think it’s a combination of post covid and technology affecting our dopamine levels.

Anxiety. Exacerbated by social media comparisons, and by being driven everywhere with no independent life (other than the one on a screen.

Yes, this is what I'm thinking too.

Also we have planned a European road trip in the summer and one child is refusing to go.

I don't think this is a young person thing. I think it is a your children thing.

In particular it sounds like they feel under pressure to "do things", in part to meet their parents' dreams, and have discovered it's easier to opt out and do nothing than potentially failing.

I suspect if you left them to themselves they might work out what they want to do and get a bit of direction in the next few years. Sounds like one of them has done that - it just doesn't coincide with your hopes for them.

Wanting to travel is genetic. The wanderlust gene. My kid has it, I have it. She's wanting to do university internationally.

But, limit the devices and online time specifically.

Sometime DS needed a push or extra reassurance as does DD2 every so often- but mostly my kids have wanted to do things and have pushed for things and do make the most of opportunties.

I'd say they are less acadmicidally driven but in end they've done well - suspect it's because DH and I were more desperate to get away from where we grew up and saw education as only way out.

A lot of the expectation come from home as school had low expectations and peers were on different paths. MN can be very unrealistic about education levels though more general media can as well.

No, I don't. And these trips are several years apart so it's not a constant thing. The Bali child asked to go on that trip - I had already written it off because of the cost. The NY trip was maybe five years ago. The Spanish trip was in 2024. The European road trip is a visit to my home country that we have done most years, although usually by air.

Don't you think children should maybe go somewhere other than home once a year?

It’s devices. Solidarity

I think this is inevitable with the device reliance of young people...

What helped mine was getting jobs. I was a total bitch about not giving them money and they all worked from 14-15 as pot-washers. The money was shockingly bad (I think £3 an hour at one point) and I actually struggled with forcing them to work for that amount, but the skills they learned were the most important thing they could have done at that point.

Do yours work?

No, but it's hard for under-16s to get a job, and in any case I'd rather they focused on school for now. But I hear you!

My children are 21 and 17 and I don’t recognise this at all in them or their friends. I’d say they’re all very driven as they know how tough and competitive things are.

Could your children be depressed as you seem to be saying they don’t have any motivation? Have you/they spoke to a GP?

Don't you think children should maybe go somewhere other than home once a year?

Many don't.

My kids don't go abroad every year though we do try for a UK hoilday - and they stay with DGP and we do frequent day trips. They have all been abroad with school trips. We've tried to make trip that everyone enjoys.

I do wonder if other posters are right and you are pushing them into things they aren't happy about. My teens had interest and hobbies but from mid teen onwards that's been done at home rather than in outside groups - and driven entirely by them. Older two at uni have still joined groups and societies at univeristy.

The longer they leave it, the harder it will be. For things like degree apprenticeships, for internships, and for graduate jobs, they will need work experience.

I wouldn't use school work as an excuse - particularly if they have given up hobbies. It's only going to get more intense. Yes it's hard for them to get jobs but it's partly up to you to make connections with people who might be able to help them.

They are probably spending 12 hours+ a day on their phones. They definitely have time to work.

Teen jobs are rare here but during A-level older two did volunteer and that did give them some more confidence.

So if jobs are out maybe look at GCSE exams for some volunteering posts.

It’s a mixture, as others have pointed out. You also said you don’t get around much and fantasise getting out so what has their experience growing up been like?

It’ll be the devices.
Have you read Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt?

I didn't say abroad. Perfectly happy with UK holidays and we've done those most years. But travelling in the UK is still travelling, and I think it's good for kids to leave home at least once a year to go somewhere.

I don't agree I've pushed them to take up hobbies. Some yes, but one in particular was entirely their own thing and they were really into it but suddenly both wanted to quit and are not really doing anything now.

Anxiety. I was like this in the late 90s as a teenager. I would plan and sign up for trips then cancel last minute.

With any luck reducing screen time will help your kids' anxiety levels. But, obviously, there can be other causes.

The sad thing is that devices always win in a choice between that and an activity.

Varied. The last few years have been pretty home-based for me but it wasn't so when they were younger.

People are so often looking for an angle to find fault in the OP. I mean I have plenty of faults but I was wondering if this is some sort of state of the world/generational thing. But of course it could be something I've done/not done.