Or are young people becoming increasingly insular/scared/lacking in motivation and drive?

[walkies77]

Sorry, this is going to be long.

Something I've noticed with my own children, and wondering if this is just us or if others have noticed the same. I'm not particularly driven or ambitious myself, but I do think you need to make something of your life and have experiences/pursuits/adventures.

Examples:

• Both kids have given up almost all their hobbies (despite our resistance), including ones they used to really be into.
• An academically able child fought nail and tooth to go to the local college rather than stay in their private school or go to a local grammar school. Now at said college their attendance is really poor and they are scaling down their effort, even talking about pursuing a career in childcare rather than their previous area of interest.
• Same child got an opportunity to go on a school trip to New York and we managed to negotiate a discounted price but in the end they said they didn't want to go.
• They also really didn't want to go on a young people's conference in Spain focusing on a theme that they were very interested in but I insisted and in the end they had a good trip and performed really well.
• Other child has a once-in-a-lifetime school trip to Bali in the summer, which we have been saving for for over a year. Now they don't want to go because they are afraid to go scuba-diving and feel insecure around people.
• Both like to spend most of their free time in their rooms on their devices, letting their rooms become a tip and not doing anything towards schoolwork unless nagged and nagged and often not even then.
• One child is seriously at risk of failing some of their GCSEs but doesn't seem to see it as a serious thing despite endless amounts of constructive conversations, nagging, supportive measures etc etc etc.

Is this a post-Covid/state of the world thing where they perhaps feel so disheartened by the future they just sign off everything? It's a bit daunting when every other day there is a news story of bright Oxbridge graduates struggling to get a job so where does that leave the less driven or able young people?

Or is it an electronic devices thing?

Or what?

I work from home and don't get around much but fantasise of being able to travel the world and see and experience things.

What's happened to young people? AIBU?

No, my children are not like this. They have *both happily transitioned to independent school despite all of their year groups going to the sane local secondary. My 10 year old went on a week long school trip to Paris recently, and my 13 year old is going on a trip to Washington DC next year. Both still currently enjoying their hobbies (sports, music and drama). All of their friends seem similar to them really.

It’s a generation thing. The current generations are not as focussed on education and experiences as millennials were. I’ve also noticed there’s such a strong acceptance for mental health issues now and that if a child feels anxious/nervous/not happy they are taught it’s ok not to do something. There is no regard for the benefit that pushing through certain things will bring them. We’re raising a generation who are content in staying in their bedroom. The smartphone allows them the interactions they think they need.

Op it’s not that you’ve done anything wrong. It’s just that many kids do what’s comfortable. You can’t help your own circumstances or capacity.
If they always have a gadget, they’ll never be bored enough to just go out and do things. And even if you took their gadgets, they may not have anyone to hang out with because everyone else is on their gadgets.
If you want to do more, do it.

Both my nephew and niece are like this (but now worryingly more extreme) and I can see why you'd be unhappy with how things might progress. Time to talk and discuss how they see things moving forward. Dont leave it to fester.

With my DNs they are happy to be up all night gaming, left education 3 and 6 years ago now but can't settle in a job for more than a month or so without getting themselves fired (absences, bad attitude, turning up stoned etc). Neither are even helpful round the house (they live with their DMs - my SILs).

I think for them their main life and only interest and interaction is online gaming and they can't cope with nor have any interest or resilience for living in the "real" world. They don't want to work/volunteer, learn to drive or even leave the house much. Their classmates have all moved on with their lives but they've not fledged and their parents (both with bad health) are worried sick about what will happen to their DC when they die. We've recently got both DC to agree to attend counselling to get some awareness around possible depression and coping mechansisms so hoping it'll help them start to find a way forward.

I think some is modelling a healthy lifestyle with hobbies, volunteering, work etc. If parents don’t do much children likely to be similar.
Some is parents being very soft and letting kids quit or avoid hard things. I had a guide where mum had paid £40 subs. Week after child decided didn’t want to come. I always had a if you’re committed to it and I’ve paid you are going approach, obviously fine to review and stop at end of term but not flaky attendance or stopping on a whim.
Doing everything for children, chauffeuring by car everywhere, trying to avoid any minor upsets - mums micromanaging eg Polly must be in a group with her friend. They don’t develop skills at a young age in a safe environment.
Travel is personal preference I think some people are more homebodies. But if they haven’t been allowed to go on trips younger they don’t build skills and confidence.

YANBU. Social Media and tech have a lot to answer for. I fear for the next generation - they seem very ill-equipped for life generaly.

I'm really glad if young people have a better awareness of their mental health and boundaries but I also worry how they're going to cope in the world and the increasingly competitive job market. Let alone where things may end up in a few years with a potential Reform Government etc.

I'm not sure I entirely blame devices - though sometimes they don't help.

Very few children have any sort of free range or independence in childhood these days. They don't walk to school until much later, don't get left on their own at home, are shuttled between organised activities, have fewer job opportunities as younger teens...

It affects their ability to problem solve, assess risks accurately, have confidence in their own abilities and step outside their comfort zone.

I agree with this (not limited to kids). It's great that there is so much more awareness but I wonder sometimes if we are experiencing the pendulum swinging too far the other way currently. I don't know what the answer is or how we find a balance that respects individual needs.

Most of the younger people I know are working part time and taking first holidays abroad with friends. For those slightly younger I've never known kids to go to so many clubs and sports. Unfortunately they seem far too aware that life is competitive and worry about getting into unis and careers.

Also wondering if it's a class thing.

I know how it sounds from some of my messages but we are barely middle class so I'm also wondering if it's a class-based confidence thing?

Some yes, but one in particular was entirely their own thing and they were really into it but suddenly both wanted to quit and are not really doing anything now.

Was there a reason for quitting - falling out with friends loss of interest or confidence?

I don't think this is normal from my teens of their friends to have no interests and motivations.

DD2 had more than a few friends who failed or did poorly at some GCSE - it was a bad secondary school but they still went out and did things and still got exicted about post 16 options in the end though some had bad wake up calls before they got to that point. DD1 Y12 and they all seem happy and settled now with their chosen paths.

If your worried it's doom scrolling - then limit device times - if it's friendship issues common for all three of mine during secondary then a sympathetic ear and gentle encouragement to widen social group. If it's something like poor teaching in subject at school or they've fallen behind offer practical support to help them get the grades they need.

I did worry about older two had they both had friendship issues at times and can be very shy and did have periods when they didn't go out much bar with us as a family - but both are joinging clubs and societies at uni with no issues and yongest has settled well at college. I don't think it's a genrational thing - but kids can go through periods of not being as bothered or upset and withdraw a bit then come through it.

What are you going to do about the child that is refusing to go and what age are they ?

I'm inclined to think it's not any one thing but a combination of factors. I'm just sad for them not making more of their lives. But there's time.

You are being unreasonable

They're old enough that they can say no.

Thanks, that was helpful.

I think it can be a bit daunting as a child though. I’ve done lots of travelling as an adult but would have been nervous as a teen.

Kids can also be very aware of money, if you’re talking about saving up or getting a discount they might be worried that you’re spending a lot of money on them and it can feel like a lot of pressure.

None of what you’re describing sounds that different for me or people I knew at school 20 years ago.

Hobbies? Meh teens can lose interest, particularly if you realise you’re not that good at it. Lots of people go through phases and pick things up again when older.

Mine aren’t like this at all. And it sounds like they would have been fairly young during the covid years? So would have been less of an impact I would have thought (mine were 11/12 and I think we got away with it quite lightly - much older and would have been even worse)
Phones are a real issue - do you know what they’re watching a lot of the time?

I don't have children and know bugger all about this but perhaps if children didn't have access to screens they would become bored enough to get motivated.

If you can be entertained in your own bedroom constantly, why do anything.

When I was a teen having nothing else to do was what got me off my arse and out.

Bracing myself for more criticism but do I know what they're looking at on their devices? No. We've lost that battle. I simply can't be hovering behind them all the time to find out and I think they would not appreciate me demanding to see.

I was dead against them having devices at all for a long time but somewhere around Covid their schools insisted they must have one. So they had laptops from about 10/12. The older one only got a phone at 16 and the younger still doesn't have one at 15 - was planning to give them one when they turn 16.

The younger one leaves their device in a different room when they go to bed and I insisted that the older one leaves their phone at bedtime but have lost that battle too.

(puts on hard hat)

Are you ok with them living with you into adulthood?

There's a big movement of adult children staying with parents in the family home and it sounds as if your children would prefer that. Lots of parents on MN prefer it as well. People cite financial pressures but I don't think we can rule out that these generations simply prefer smaller lives, living at home, talking to friends online, and not feeling pressured to perform academically or in a career.

It's a different mindset from previous generations, more focused on safety and avoiding discomfort.

Are you ok with them living with you into adulthood?

Yes!

Honestly OP - consider the part time job thing!

I came from a well off family, privately educated and my parents insisted I got a job at 14, I washed dishes in an adult education centre one night a week!
Best thing they ever did for me, gave me skills I could never gain in school.

I think you may be right. The younger one will go to college on a vocational course in the autumn which will include work placements so hopefully things will improve then! The older one does what they like now.