Or are young people becoming increasingly insular/scared/lacking in motivation and drive?

[walkies77]

Sorry, this is going to be long.

Something I've noticed with my own children, and wondering if this is just us or if others have noticed the same. I'm not particularly driven or ambitious myself, but I do think you need to make something of your life and have experiences/pursuits/adventures.

Examples:

• Both kids have given up almost all their hobbies (despite our resistance), including ones they used to really be into.
• An academically able child fought nail and tooth to go to the local college rather than stay in their private school or go to a local grammar school. Now at said college their attendance is really poor and they are scaling down their effort, even talking about pursuing a career in childcare rather than their previous area of interest.
• Same child got an opportunity to go on a school trip to New York and we managed to negotiate a discounted price but in the end they said they didn't want to go.
• They also really didn't want to go on a young people's conference in Spain focusing on a theme that they were very interested in but I insisted and in the end they had a good trip and performed really well.
• Other child has a once-in-a-lifetime school trip to Bali in the summer, which we have been saving for for over a year. Now they don't want to go because they are afraid to go scuba-diving and feel insecure around people.
• Both like to spend most of their free time in their rooms on their devices, letting their rooms become a tip and not doing anything towards schoolwork unless nagged and nagged and often not even then.
• One child is seriously at risk of failing some of their GCSEs but doesn't seem to see it as a serious thing despite endless amounts of constructive conversations, nagging, supportive measures etc etc etc.

Is this a post-Covid/state of the world thing where they perhaps feel so disheartened by the future they just sign off everything? It's a bit daunting when every other day there is a news story of bright Oxbridge graduates struggling to get a job so where does that leave the less driven or able young people?

Or is it an electronic devices thing?

Or what?

I work from home and don't get around much but fantasise of being able to travel the world and see and experience things.

What's happened to young people? AIBU?

I just don't get it - the youngest has a GCSE mock exam tomorrow on a favourite (practical) subject and was supposed to do a key piece of pre-work towards it by today and the teacher has just messaged saying they haven't! It's not for want of reminding on our part!

DD2 (17) isn't doing a lot by some standards. She has a part time job 15 hours a week though and is doing well in that. She tried college but dropped out. She developed EBSA and was diagnosed with AuADHD at secondary school so I wasn't surprised. At least she seems to like work! She goes out with her friends, goes to the gym and occasionally goes to football practice. It's enough for her, for now. I'm immensely proud of how well she has done in a hospitality job.

She is also learning to drive.

Honestly, this is not something I recognise in my own dc at all - quite the contrary, actually. She is driven, ambitious and ready to seize whatever opportunities she can. A lot of her friends are similar, though she does have a few who seem more content to stay within their comfort zones.

So I am not sure if it is a generational thing or just a personality thing?

I think screens definitely have a huge impact on motivation, its just easier to stay home on screens than go out and try things but DD15 hasn't been too badly affected so far. She started playing volleyball 5 years ago and still loves it (even though her team is pretty terrible and loses almost all the time!) and goes to a massive volleyball camp tournament every year (after the first year she said she didn't want to go again because she hated getting no time to herself but she changed her mind when it was time to sign up the next year as she didn't want to miss out), she's looking for a summer job this year (looked last year too but didn't get one), decided to join confirmation school and go to confirmation camp despite being a raging atheist because she doesn't want to miss out on the quintessential youth experience of our country, and is planning to move to the city by herself next year so she can go to a better school. So she is full of motivation for certain key things even though the rest of the time she'd rather be at home on her phone.

Tbf the main thing motivating her schoolwork these days is spite - she wants better grades than a certain ex-friend

The sooner the government bans social media for under 16's, the better. It'll be easier for parents to say no if it is illegal. So glad I grew up in the 70's/80's. Must be awful to be a kid now.

Gaming itself isn’t bad it’s the doing it to the exclusion of all other things. My husband has gamed/built pcs as a hobby for over 35 years. Went into a none tech field but now one of leading people in terms of how tech/AI impacts his field.
Difference was as a teen/eatly 20s he also went away to uni, played football, had boozy nights out, had a gf, worked in supermarket, learned to drive, did work experience. So not just hours holed up in his room.

This isn't all young people. Or else no one would be going on trips or pursuing big career ambitions. However, yes, I do agree that there has been a huge impact on current teens and young adults of Covid lockdowns and screen use.

I have teenage children and stepchild. I know lots of other teens and young people through their friends and peers. There are still plenty going to Uni or pursuing careers in things like medicine and aeronautical engineering, there are still plenty planning and completing international travel, interrailing, gap years in the southern hemisphere etc.

But there are also some who dropped out of college courses because it wasn't given them exactly what they want, who are choosing to stay at home instead of moving away because of financial worries, who struggle more socially after their confidence took a battering in the years when they should have been exploring their independence.

It's a balance as a parent to support them to make choices and decisions that they're most comfortable with but that also serve the future they want to have for themselves. If they want to quit the college course, OK we have a proper conversation that looks at the reasons so we can better understand what lessons can be learned when looking at what comes next instead. It's in saying that we support and love them but they have to be doing something.

On weekends and holidays of course they're allowed lie ins and down time but not all day every day. There has to be some paid work, some physical activity (gym, training, walking, sports, swimming, whatever), and engaging with other people! Some teens are just less social and more anxious than others.

It's tricky when you can see that doors are closing and know as an adult that some opportunities won't come around again or will be harder and more expensive as an adult but as long as you're talking about it with them. My middle one would be far too nervous to do a gap year travel trip but he's keen to pursue a career that means he could work abroad so he still has that routine and framework of a job while experiencing another culture. The one who chose not to do A levels or uni is starting to see her friends moving on in life in different ways to her and although she's got more money and independence than them as she works, that's what's got her brain moving and thinking about what training she needs to do through work to open doors and move along in life.

So that's a really long way of saying it's not all of them, I think it's increased, but also it doesn't mean they can't travel in their 20s or resit GCSEs in their 30s or find a hobby or passion they love in their 40s.

Do they have a post 16 plan?

If not start looking at college and sixth form entry requirements - sometimes that helps motivate a teen.

Ask if everything is okay with subject - DD2 had an issue with two teachers - one in particular had to get through to her doing badly wouldn't affect the teacher in anyway but would her - and offered help at home.

Are you verbally reminding and then they immediately forget - do they have a wall chart with what due when - are they disorganised - do they need help - ask them - and ask why this peice of course work hasn't been done - are they upset or uncaring?

Nuclear option is the phone is a privilage they are abusing and if they completely fuck up these mocks - it may be one they do without and mean it. That's an extreme probably escalating action though but would make it clear your expectations around grades though keep them realistic.

What their peer group like - DD2 wasn't in an ambitious one - but she did well - and pull up the two dropping grades with teachers she had issue with with home support and with it being clear what our expectations were. DS was quiet about how much work he did GCSE because working that hard wasn't done thing - he nearly threw it all in last minute due to SLT being very diffcult towards him - accusing him of thing we could prove he didn't do luckily- but again home expectations, support and long term ambitions got past that and he did really well.

Have you spoken to school about the attitude to GCSE - what do they say - has anyone from staff had a word to them about it - are they happy at school more generally.

How bad are the predicted GCSE - 5 GCSE at level 4 including maths and English plenty of door open less than that it gets harder to find paths though they are there.

Thanks for all your helpful comments, and we have taken most or all of these steps, and fortunately they have applied to college next year on a course which doesn't have high grade expectations, but if they fail, they'll have to do a foundation year which is a shame IMO.

No amount of encouragement/cajoling seems to work, they just can't get their act together. But hopefully next year will be better if they get to do what they like doing.

Probably a mix. Devices almost definitely aren't helping - I can see how much my own concentration and social interaction skills have worsened so must be much harder for teens exposed to them since birth. Same with the influence of Covid. However I do thin (not all!) teens have always struggled with laziness/worrying about what people think/not wanting to go anywhere/struggling with planning for the future - there's a reason the 'teenager barely emerging from their filthy' den is an old stereotype.

Some people are homebodies and just aren't ambitious - if your DC don't end up wanting to go travelling or have big careers, but just want jobs that are 'good enough' to live off, then that's okay, even if it's not what you would do with your life.

They could say something similar about you - you say you "fantasise about traveling and experiencing things" but at the same time "don't get around much." Why not? You're an adult, and clearly aren't on the breadline from the list of holidays you've mentioned - why don't you do some of the things you fantasise about? Yes you have responsibilities etc but if your kids are GCSE/college age they aren't young. Rather than paying for holidays and activities they are ambivalent about, why not plan things for yourself? It doesn't even have to be expensive - there are so many amazing places to visit in the UK for a short getaway, new hobbies to learn, etc.

I just think it's a bit ironic that you think there are so many things they could be doing but aren't because they don't want to, whereas you say you actively DO want to - but still aren't doing them! You're basically doing the exact same thing as them - expressing initial enthusiasm for something when it's a vague hypothetical but making excuses for why not to do it when it starts getting real.

Fair points, but I don't think I can justify going on holiday on my own using the family finances. We are also trying to save for our retirement.

It's not as bad for me as it may have sounded. I just meant that I'd love to go to Bali or whatever if I had the chance.

I see this in two of my stepchildren. They’re very different to my child, who is slightly younger (they’re step siblings, not half).

The most difficult thing is, despite their stunning disinterest in doing anything which isn’t screen based which is not for want of trying on my part, they are jealous of my child’s busier and less screen focused life.