Why does no one talk about the more extreme traits of ADHD?

[Cantfinishanything]

My credit score is in hell. Multiple CCJs due to just forgetting parking tickets or not being able to cope.
Obese.
Problems with addiction and overspending.
Fixations I can’t move on from. Even though I know it’s boring to those around me.
Cant discipline my children as I can’t stick to rules even ones I’ve set myself.
In trouble at work due to not being able to do the parts of the job I find boring.
Constant interrupting even though I know I do it and I try really hard not to.
Lateness, being eternally bloody late even with waking up at 5 and feeling ready to go about an hour before I need to. Yes I know it’s rude.
Terrible at relationships as everything feels like it’s controlling and claustrophobic.
Poor physical health, cant stick to things even taking vitamins or exercise classes.
I spend so long just hating and feeling frustrated at myself.
Yet everyone thinks they have ADHD these days so why do I find it so hard to talk to people about these things? How can we have the same condition and yet you have a mortgage, successful marriage, beautiful well behaved children, stick to a routine, go to the gym and run marathons?

A dishwasher was an absolute godsend for me! The struggle I had to wash up, and the pile of dishes just kept getting bigger and bigger, and I'd become more and more paralysed by it.

When I bought a dishwasher, the transformation was amazing. I still struggle sometimes but now I know that all I have to do is get the stuff into the dishwasher, and eventually I'll be able to do that.

But then there's nothing else! The machine does it.

On my Finch app I have put things in dishwasher before bed. I mostly manage it, sometimes not. But I feel so much less stressed knowing that I only have that one thing to do.

I hear you op. Mostly we don't talk about it because of shame. I currently maxxed out a credit card with a 39.99% interest rate and have no clue how I will pay it off, but I would never confess that to anyone I know.

The only adhd traits I tell my friends are the "he he I missed a flight I'm so silly". The shame runs deep.

Thanks, I’ve never been able to explain it but that about covers it!

I know it's hard to act, but if you can do one thing it would be to call Christians against Poverty or Stepchange (google them) and ask them for help- say I don't know what to do. They will know what to do and will help you. My partner got in terrible debt and buried his head for years and we had to do this, it was awful but much better than the stress of living with debt and the fear of bailiffs.

I know it's hard but if you can bear to make one or two phone calls they will help you.

We sound so similar OP.

We almost couldn’t buy our first house because I screwed up my credit score by buying stuff on accounts and even though I had the money to pay it back I couldn’t find it in me to set up the DD/call and make the payment.

Same with overeating - just eating and eating till I feel sick because the dopamine hit is so good.

I think you’re right and actually we don’t really talk as much about these huge big effects of ADHD, just the classic being late etc.

What I was trying to describe earlier is how one task - washing dishes - becomes an epoch time spanning event because my brain just needs constant diversions and I need to keep taking a break because it gets physically exhausting.

“How can we have the same condition and yet you have a mortgage, successful marriage, beautiful well behaved children, stick to a routine, go to the gym and run marathons?”

Mortgage - my husband handles our financial stuff and bill-paying.

Successful marriage - sometimes we argue over the issues my ADHD traits cause, but he understands that I’m not doing any of this on purpose. We love each other deeply and don’t tiptoe around problems that need to be addressed.

Beautiful well-behaved children - well, one is well-behaved. The other one’s working on it.

Routine, gym, marathons - non-applicable for me.

Successful people with ADHD are usually working several times harder than people without ADHD to achieve the same level of success. They may look like birds gliding serenely across the surface, but under the water they’re kicking frantically.

People talk about things which are relevant and/or interesting to them. Lots of people have ADHD (I do), but it’s still a minority. And it’s a spectrum, so many people who have ADHD are not as badly affected as you are. Hence, a large majority of people are not interested in talking about the more severe symptoms of ADHD. If you try to talk to them about it, many will do their best to change the subject or get away from you. Sorry, but that’s reality. You know - like when you’re being asked to focus on something boring and your mind is somewhere else?

So what can you do about it?

First, I suggest you figure out why you want to talk about it. Do you want better treatment? More support? More understanding from friends and family? Or is it just that you need to vent?

The two groups of people who are more likely to talk about it are:

1. other sufferers - some sort of peer support community. I don’t know of any, but maybe worth a google.

2. Professionals working in the field.

It sounds like you could do with that medication review you mentioned. Could you make it a priority to arrange that?

Are you taking medication to help with the executive dysfunction?

I've found in life that most people will be sympathetic to a degree, unless the person they're dealing with isn't trying any avenue to help themselves. Which in this scenario would be accessing support such as medication and ADHD support groups.

If you want failures, I’ve failed my A levels, got a mediocre degree even though I’m intelligent, paid hundreds of fines because I didn’t notice parking signs, never claimed for PPI even though I would have probably got a few thousand back, didn’t get all the rental from the house I let out because I didn’t get round to ringing the estate agents, got fines for not getting my tax return in on time, lost loads of personal items like keys and phones, paid for tickets for things and got the dates wrong so couldn’t go, took my children to a birthday party that was finishing when I got there, left a friend waiting at one cinema while I was at another (in the days before mobile phones - I nearly had a heart attack trying to get to the other town)….

I do sympathise because I understand I’m not as challenged as you are. But for years I didn’t realise that ADHD was actually a thing and thought I was just lazy and disorganised. That was worse than having some strategies.

But I do want to stress once again about not being so hard on yourself. I don’t think it helps. Part of things improving for me was understanding that it wasn’t my fault that I have executive functioning difficulties. That made the noise about beating myself up quieter which gave me a bit more space to put strategies in place.

i know this thread is not a spectator sport but omg so much is resonating with me. My adult son has ADHD and I always thought that if me and his dad did better then perhaps his life would not be such a disaster area, the guilt is overwhelming that we haven’t managed to “save him from himself”. He was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD at 8yrs old was excluded from school so many times, refused to take medication from the age of 13 (he said he didn’t feel like himself when he was medicated). We had a season ticket to A &E because he injured himself so often with his impulsive behaviour., conversely he was so naturally gifted in two different sports that he was perused by coaches but he wasn’t able to put be the sustained effort in. Self medicated with drugs and alcohol in his teens, early hyper sexual behaviour. Left school the minute he turned 16, with barely any qualifications started an apprenticeship, got let go from that and has been sacked from every job he has had since, or left just before he was going to get sacked. Minor involvement in criminal activity, major financial fuck ups over and over ( which we have helped with over and over again). We are still scaffolding his life at age 27 mainly because he has kids ( which he’s not great with tbh) so we feel we “ can’t let go of the string” we are mid 60’s and not sure how much longer we can keep going, we have already had to call a halt to the financial propping up. I really hoped that he would learn to handle it better as he got older, it’s breaking my heart to hear of you all still struggling. I’m so worried for his future. Sorry this is so long.

So noone is experiencing exactly what you are, 100%. And everything is a spectrum. Similarly to many physical diseases. People will be articulating their struggles when their life looks golden compared to what you're experiencing, but that's always true, whether related to ADHD or anything else. Your life will look pretty golden to certain people in the world too, no matter how painful it feels to you right now.

My ADHD was never diagnosed in childhood and never would have been - I was really clever and had a great memory in many ways, which meant that despite having no notes or revision materials or being able to spend any time revising, I got really high marks. I realise this makes me really, really lucky compared to other sufferers. However, while I walked away from academia with straight As and into a graduate job, I walked away with no ability to sit down to an administrative task and complete it, no way of my nervous system not flooding and grinding to a halt every time I'm faced with certain types of tasks, and a belief that these were all moral failings and someone with my "gifts" shouldn't be taking them for granted and throwing them away by being so lazy and careless. I consistently experienced self-harm, suicidal thoughts, self-sabotaging behaviours, but my life probably looked perfect and successful from the outside. While I have a mortgage and some savings, I've also had several major catastrophes due to inept management of personal admin and finances, and it's frankly only being a high earner that's mitigated these.

That affects my self esteem and ability to operate every single day. I can make it into work on time now, and I've been lucky enough to gravitate to the kinds of roles where my differentiating skills are valuable and the things I can't do don't come up as often, but it's paralysing when they do.

I think the honest answer is probably that the people you are hearing from and about don't have things as hard as you do. But it doesn't mean their struggles aren't valid. Just like your struggles aren't invalid just because there are other people who are on the streets due to their challenges.

@Cantfinishanything Thanks for bringing this up OP. May I ask your advice? You sound very similar to my stepdaughter who is hard to help because of the level of chaos and covering up that goes on about her spending and finances generally. She runs up debts into tens of thousands every few months and only says 'I hate myself' if we try to find out exactly what she spent it on and why. Sometimes she tells us and we find out later that she was lying. Giving her money whenever she has a crisis is like pouring it down the drain.
You said that you need 'external boundaries' because it is so hard to make your own. Can you think of any kind of boundary we can set that would help her? We are thinking of suggesting that she gives someone else control of her bank account to make sure that essential bills are paid before money is spent on luxuries. Would something like that be useful do you think?

All the replies on here are really reassuring, I mean all of them. Thank you, I really mean it.

@janietreemore so after a lot of reflecting on my spending habits, I’ve decided I probably get myself into debt as I don’t feel I deserve nice things, even savings. It’s low self esteem plus no self control. I don’t even care about the stuff I buy. So now I have slightly improved my spending by putting on so much weight I don’t want to buy things to improve my appearance, buying things on Amazon and getting them delivered to the locker, so I will inevitably forget to pick them up and they get sent back, and getting my credit score so low I have no access to credit, any credit.
But all the suggestions of ‘put it into different pots’ how do people not just take it out of the savings pot and spend it? If I know it’s there, I’m spending it.

There are savings accounts you can lock away for a set time. This of course still gives you the problem of what to do with it once you can access it, but maybe it would help with the short term?

I know one of the successful people you speak of- she has a meeting with her dh most nights and they talk through the next day. They’re the most team team I’ve ever seen, two kids. I’ve seen her on bad days and it all looks like hell

I understand. Parenting was a struggle because I couldn't cope with routine like laundry, bedtimes, homework etc. I have a great memory but forget everyday things. Work was hard - I was never late but as a teacher, planning was just so boring plus I was never satisfied and would always want everything to be the best it possibly could be - exhausting! I know that sounds contradictory. Observations would set me in a state of pure panic.

That was before diagnosis. I didn't understand why I could be so quick at understanding and picking up new stuff yet be dreadful at the mundane.

Now the house is a mess. People don't get why. I can speak languages, play instruments to a high level, cook delicious food, throw all kinds of parties but I can't manage to do basic household tasks. It sounds mad but I can't. In my head I know what to do but it doesn't happen.

It helps to know there are other people the same around. The diagnosis helps because it's not a failing, it's the way my mind works. And going to the gym has helped - well, classes at the gym because otherwise I'd never stick to a piece of equipment for longer than 2 minutes. I try not to interrupt people and ask them questions. I set a timer for 5 mins and anyone can tidy for that long.

If you met me, you probably wouldn't realise because I mask. My kids have all grown up interesting and resilient (ds is currently being diagnosed) and very loving. If I could do housework I'd be happy. Because even though it's 2026 that's what we as women are often judged on.

Do you see what I did there? Told you all about me? :) At least now I know I do that!!

You're not alone x

Thank you to the person who said the finch app was helpful for them. I've just signed up to using a similar one for weight loss I'm only on day 5, so we will see if that's a temporary dopamine thing or more long term one for me.

Something I find really helpful is the app/website FOCUSMATE. You book a working session for 25 or 50 minutes, and get somebody on a zoom like screen who also wants to work for that amount of time. You have a brief "Hi, what are you working on this session?" conversation and then turn your mic but not camera off, and get on with it. At the end you come on mic to say how you get on. It's called body doubling and is proven to be helpful to many people who have ADHD. You can use it for anything that you're able to stay in front of the camera for, not just work: I use it to change by bedding, which is my greatest nemesis for some reason. I only regret that I can't use it to get a shower!

I am exactly like you, OP, and I have no answers. I try my best, but always come up short. Never stay in any job for long, always late, always messy, can't organise myself to go places or do things. It's crippling. I do get annoyed when people think ADHD is just getting bored when reading a long book or misplacing your keys every now and then. It's so, so much more than that, and I find masking hard to understand because I don't feel like I can mask at all. I don't understand how people with ADHD can have all this discipline and drive when I can barely remember to brush my teeth.

I coined a phrase which people at work have started using, that my brain is a "butterfly Tigger" - fluttering from subject to subject like a butterfly whatever grabs my attention for a second and bouncing around like Tigger from each to the next.

I've had a bit of success with people who just can't understand what it's like having ADHD explaining that when some people have something on their mind they talk about it going round and round like a hamster on a wheel; well it can be the same for me except I have 8-10 hamsters all spinning round on their wheels at the same time.

Impulsiveness is the root of many of my issues. Financial ones of course, but also just interjecting into what someone is saying without waiting for them to finish or thinking whether what I'm saying is appropriate/will be received well/relevant etc. It doesn't help with the eating thing either, I eat and then think actually I'm too fat, that food isn't good for me, then the guilt starts, which leads to comfort eating...

I have been diagnosed with inattentive adhd by a psychologist recently but I don’t struggle as much as you do op. The reason I get up and do things is mainly fear based, I’m terrified of fucking things up and I feel like I’m on a tightrope all the time and any wrong foot will mean my whole life falls apart. I make myself do stuff for my dc or other people as letting people down hurts me far more than the effort that goes into making myself do things I’d rather not do. I have had several breakdowns and have had suicidal thoughts my whole adult life, I’ve never felt good enough and I think everyone hates me. I’ve mainly picked very intense jobs so I have to do rather than think and then I burnout.

I make anything and everything I can automated so I don’t have to think or remember. I get very stressed when anything I have set up changes and I have to do something. Over the years I’ve reined in my maladaptive coping mechanisms to just chocolate and overeating and overworking. I’ve recently found out about limerence and adhd which explains some stupid and dangerous situations over the years.

I’m can relate to much of this and the OP’s posts. But I’m still on the fence about the whole ADHD thing.
Is it just not working hard enough. I often feel I could try harder, yet I never seem to get there or when I do get there I never keep it up.
All people find aspects of work boring etc.

Is it a case of forgetting the anxiety of the past and trying harder in the conventional ways that people do - calendars etc.

I kept saying I’d make a photo calendar for 2025, it’s now March 2026 and I haven’t made one for either.

A lot of people will have had bad outcomes in different ways. Everyone’s struggle will be slightly different. You do sound as if you would benefit from some meds or counselling though OP. Despite all your despair you do sound as if you have things going for you. Part of functioning better is acknowledging where you struggle and trying to be a bit kinder in yourself.

you would look at me now and think what’s the issue. But… while I haven’t got CCJs I have defaulted on loans in the past, which affected my credit rating for years. I’m still not the best with finances and neither is DH. I have just made peace with always having balances on credit cards because neither of us can manage to not impulse buy that thing we want.

You said you failed your masters, that means you must have completed your bachelors. I have done this now but there is no way I could have accessed doing so at 18, I couldn’t even manage GCSEs or college back then. It nearly killed me in my 30s but I did it.

im currently sat working from home (clearly distracted as I’m on mumsnet) on a falling apart dining table and chairs because I seem incapable of making grown up financial decisions. So I haven’t brought a decent table but I do have a shiny new pair of running shoes and have a fun weekend away booked on impulse!

relationships I’m ok because I have found someone equally as rubbish and impulsive, but in a slightly different way, to bimble through life with.

im not overweight and never really have been partly because im not a stress eater. I go the other way if im stressed and i actually lost loads of weight in the last year of my degree because I would go whole days without eating due to the stress of getting things done and meeting deadlines. It’s not really a good thing, you end up feeling really weird both mentally and physically. I’m also very into running, it’s a bit of a hyper fixation, but a healthy one. That said, I don’t know when to quit and I have ended up very very injured before because I cannot make the sensible choice and not race when I know I shouldn’t.

it’s not a race to the bottom. We are all individuals with individual needs but it does sound like you could do with some more support.

Thanks so much for replying. That sounds really depressing for you, having to resort to putting on weight so you don't want to buy new clothes.
Supposing your salary was paid into someone else's account, and they paid your important bills every month including something to clear your debts, then moved a set amount into a savings account and transferred spending money into your account say twice a month. Would that help? It would mean your debts gradually reducing and you always having some spending money if you want to buy something.