Why does no one talk about the more extreme traits of ADHD?

[Cantfinishanything]

My credit score is in hell. Multiple CCJs due to just forgetting parking tickets or not being able to cope.
Obese.
Problems with addiction and overspending.
Fixations I can’t move on from. Even though I know it’s boring to those around me.
Cant discipline my children as I can’t stick to rules even ones I’ve set myself.
In trouble at work due to not being able to do the parts of the job I find boring.
Constant interrupting even though I know I do it and I try really hard not to.
Lateness, being eternally bloody late even with waking up at 5 and feeling ready to go about an hour before I need to. Yes I know it’s rude.
Terrible at relationships as everything feels like it’s controlling and claustrophobic.
Poor physical health, cant stick to things even taking vitamins or exercise classes.
I spend so long just hating and feeling frustrated at myself.
Yet everyone thinks they have ADHD these days so why do I find it so hard to talk to people about these things? How can we have the same condition and yet you have a mortgage, successful marriage, beautiful well behaved children, stick to a routine, go to the gym and run marathons?

OP, I hear you.

I find that a lot of the strategies that people use to organize themselves don't work for me or others I know. If I have a diary, I will invariably forget I have a diary, lose the diary, start another online diary and have two equally wrong diaries, write things in the wrong month, the wrong day, the wrong week, because my brain gets confused. Then if by some miracle I have a reminder to look at the diary like an alarm, I hear it, think oh I must do X, get distracted and then carry on as if the alarm didn't happen!

It is upsetting to live like this because it does not equal lack of effort. Simple time management strategies and routines are great if you have fairly regular executive functioning, but if you do not, then they themselves often don't help you as they are one more thing to organize and remember. If we were good at that, we'd be doing it!

That said, I think there's lots of ways to make life better. One is to outsource anything you can to others who are better at doing the task or organising- so get a cleaner over any other discretionary spending, and get that cleaner to organize as well as clean, buy boxes, sort out your cleaning cupboard. Same with gardening. I know this solution is hard if you have no money, though, so this is only if you can squeeze your budget that way. Accept you are not that person.

Use tools to help you cognitively that are intuitive to you- so if you need to see things, put them on open shelves, if you need lists put them on your phone through dictation, lateness- go everywhere 30 min early and eventually you will make it on time, for procrastination try Mel Robbins and her habits around getting on with things (counting down and acting before your brain has time to intervene and tell you why not!)

Medication is also an option, as is continuing to be very kind to yourself, your hand is harder than others and it's ok to acknowledge that.

Totally hear you. My positives are

• have had so many hyper fixations I’m great at pub quizzes
• I can think outside the box (just not within it)
• I can assimilate lots of seemingly conflicting things easily to get something new

downsides

• i don’t think like normal people which leads to conflicts (I often seek out conflicts to get the dopamine hit)
• I bore people because of my fixations so can’t maintain friendships if in regular contact but conversely if I’m not in regular contact I forget people exist which has its own problems
• i have zero concept of time - I’m permanently in trouble because I can’t do my timesheet, I have no concept of when Christmas/birthdays are approaching so cards/presents are usually forgotten until too late.
• My DH loves surprises, I tell him no, he still arranges them - he’s probably just got it, but the guilt/hate/shame/ungrateful cycle has left me suicidal many times. Try explaining surprise holiday to a lovely place leaving you feeling suicidal to most, it leads to judgement and accusations- so I’ve ended up keeping my abject terror quiet most of my life.
• constant feeling of not being safe if even the slightest thing feels less than perfect.
• just not being able to understand the world, it doesn’t make sense, peoples actions just don’t make sense. It’s like looking round you and everything is upside down, so you constantly feel disoriented, you use pattern recognition to navigate and understand how others might see things but as soon as the pattern isn’t followed the world goes back to not making sense again.
• dealing with all this and more is so tiring, it destroys your mental health to the point of regular suicidal thoughts. I spend my life knowing I have so much potential but everything I do is wrong (well in this world anyway).

I most likely have autism too (although not diagnosed).

The only places I feel happy is in the world of occultism and heavy metal - where none of these things matter to anyone. The music calms me, the people accept me and make me feel safe

And it's things like I bought a new tumble dryer as mine broke. And it took 2 weeks to get round to putting it in. A 5 minute job (a let's not mention the year it took to install the dishwasher

Someone up thread said about it being the emotional regulation, and that's where it gets to me. I genuinely don't realise when I'm over-talking, or getting loud, or starting to get worked up about something. The majority of people I work with understand that a quick "you're getting loud" or "go for a 5 min break" or even just "bit busy, can't chat" snaps me straight back but without that I can just escalate. I was told recently that I have to self regulate, and there was just zero understanding that I just CAN'T and it's not by choice.

I can't open my mail.

I've not read all the thread but you've got to be fucking kidding me. That's not ADHD is it???

We are all different and as it's a dynamic disability I am 'better' on some days than others. (Also autistic).

I am one of those people who look like I have it all together but I am working SO hard to appear like that. I do use exercise as medicine as well as stimulant medication. I take my sleep and nutrition very seriously and can only work part time. I have so many systems in place at home to be able to get through the day! If something triggers me emotionally I am smashing shit up and hurting myself...

ND is still so misunderstood, it's extremely frustrating and I hate this 'superpower' narrative quite honestly. It can have devastating consequences for people if not managed.

Are you medicated?

Could you get some ND affirming therapy or coaching?

Sending you a hug.

now you are being mean at us who managed to get to 50+ BECAUSE we have learned to make accommodations. I know if i get an appointment i need to set 3/4 alarms if i want to be on time. Or i make myself get there half an hour earlier.

Learning to mark and finding strategies doesn't mean we are bloody neurotypical. I am running to stand still most of the time. but people don't see the effort that goes behind to manage to be good at my job.

Time is NOW and NOT NOW - if not now, I will forget about things if i don't set reminders and alarms. So when it's NOW i have to deal with things immediately as they come - procrastinating what I am actually supposed to be doing.

Finaly at the age of 50+ I am on meds, stims don't work as i don't sleep so now slowly increasing my non-stim dose and trying to find focus

The obesity and exercise comparison is interesting. DH was obese til going on WLIs, which he also thinks have helped the ADHD a bit, but I could absolutely see him running a marathon if the dopamine seeking part of his brain decided on it.

How are you powerless to do anything about your house? I don't get that one.

I agree - I don't have ADHD. As a single parent I have a shit tonne on my plate and sometimes it becomes messy chaos, I'm late for things etc. etc.. But before the shit truly hits the fan, I can usually pull it around. I have to make lists, have fairly set routines, exercise, sleep and eat well otherwise the chaos is inevitable. These are just coping strategies for my busy life, because it would be a lot for any brain to deal with!

Yes it absolutely is adhd (potentially audhd)

The Risk taking of my eldest terrified us. He was living abroad. Kite surfing, riding a motorbike. He broke so many bones in his leg, foot and arm at that stage.

Mid 40s he's still surfing but kite board is retired thank god.

Have you tried any medications ?
Think about your age peri - menopause starts in your 40's so this mixed with adhd or an imbalance will have you feeling up the wall.
Make a GP appointment and go to it don't forget or put it off tell them everything .. don't suffer anymore you don't have too .. tiny steps big hugs.

Reading this is making me realise how many things on my "I fucked up my life" list are actually related to my ADHD. So that's fun.

Because with adhd freeze can set in, your brain tricks you into thinking things aren’t safe in some way. You are physically unable to do it, if you attempt it you freeze and your body simply can’t do it. It’s not a choice, it’s your body enacting a safety system to protect you from a perceived threat, which might mean anything including it taking time away from something your body is craving like
a drug (dopamine) to that task playing into something like rejection sensitivity disorder. If you’ve not experienced it I get it’s prob impossible to understand. But for some reason it doesn’t feel safe or doesn’t offer something desperately needed

The other thing I think helps, is to have someone else manage the difficult things for you- so, for letters unopened, get someone to sit with you and go through them, saying aloud what you have to do. I have spend months and months in anxiety about sets of bills and when I sat with my daughter to sort them out they were done in less than an hour. She also helped me go online and pay through systems I'd been stuck in before.

(by the way, I have a high flying career, no idea why bills and parking tickets reduce me to tears).

In return, I help her manage her money and her doctor's appointments. I keep all the paperwork, let her know about them, remind her on the day to attend. For money, she is impulsive so her way of dealing with that is to place some 'untouchable' money in a not so easily accessible account and have a 'spends' account separate, this is after spending thousands of pounds on nothing in one year.

It is hard though OP and people don't get it.

The more you can a) let work know if you have issues so they can support you and/or understand b) get others with better organization and coping skills to help you c) some emotional support as an outlet like friends, support group, ND therapist, self-therapy books on this topic d) get meds if you feel you need them, the better you will feel.

@SparklingWater0Calories this resonated with me:

It sometime annoys DH that I always want to deal with everything the minute it crops up but that's because he doesn't really understand that, if I don't, I'll never deal with it.

That's what I meant in my comment above about NOW time and NOT NOW, and if i leave things in the NOT NOW bucket they won't happen.

I have been lucky to find work that is project based to tight deadlines, so i can keep on time with only some procrastinating

DH won't open the post it sits on the hall table till Friday when I deal with everything. That agitates him.

When a gadget say tumble dryer needs plumbing in it sits there so I refuse to wash his clothes because drying them is such a ball ache. If I remind him. His new favourite thing to say is I'm gaslighting him. Delaying, avoiding, he's a master. Yet if next door asks for the same he's round there being useful because he gets a dopamine hit from them

Yep to the Now and not now. I’ve used this phrase so many times, everything is done last minute because it’s the only time things exist. I’d love to be excited about a future event - of course I’ve learned to fake such excitement to make everyone else happy, but it’s just another part of the lie I have to live.

I could hug you OP

All I can say is it's a hard agree from me.

Postman's literally just come with a another nasty debt collector bill for a piffling amount, that I should have dealt with, but I just cannot organise and I just cannot care. I cannot prioritise and galvanise.

My life is a real mess. Though I appear like I have my shit totally together in person. I am not successful. Never have been. I could never have an online business talking about ADHD like see so many do.

The worst is not being able to execute anything. My house is a tip. I have something I really want to do, and I've been sitting here yet again scrolling on the net. I just cannot start and when if I do manage to, it feels so massive a feat,that it's exhausting and I end up restarting and restarting because I cannot concentrate.

I tried to wash dishes earlier. It went something like this: wash cup and pan

At my worst I nearly got evicted because my avoidance urge was so strong that I opened my very scummy landlords letter on the day of the court proceedings. I made it by the tip of a whisker, thankfully it went in my favour and it would have done if I had confronted it earlier, anyway, that's the thing, because the roof was literally letting buckets of water in, but I could neither start down the appropriate legal channels to get it remedied or get up and leave. The irony was the proceedings meant I could countersue, which I wouldn't have managed on my own.

It's getting worse. I can't execute anything without huge strain. It's my brain has arms that can't lift ifyswim? Like I can pick up a plate of food (scrolling) but I cannot pick up a heavy saucepan (having to do important stuff/or just stuff that needs doing, even making important phone calls)

Having children was mega tough. Thankfully I had the compensations of youth, that's the only way I got through it. My kids got used to a scatty mum who occasionally would be frantically trying to wash and dry their clothes before school start. My son once went to school with no breakfast other than a bag of crisps because I couldn't get organised. No one will ever mention things like this. It's taboo and not pretty.

I see people who are highly competent and mega successful talking about being forgetful and having some introvert traits as ADHD. I am frankly (?) at some of them. I know others have well placed systems and I believe them. Yes they all universally emphasise the 'prettier' parts.

The problem is I think this means some people (particularly women) at the further end are overlooked

For me it's because there is too much to do and it's overwhelming. I can't do x because y needs doing, but to do that I need to do z first. And so on. So then I can't start because I don't know where to begin, and I end up paralysed thinking of everything I need to do but not being able to do it. So nothing gets done, and it gets worse and I get even more overwhelmed. Sometimes I'll start something, and it helps, and I can see that even doing a little bit at a time helps, so I think great, I'll do a little bit everyday. But then one day I'm busy or ill and it doesn't happen, and it's back to square one. Add on things like waiting mode - where if I have an appointment my mind is only on that and I can't do anything else, and it all ends up never getting done.

If you don't have ADHD, it's really hard to understand (I know because my bf is NT, and though he is very kind and caring, and has learned a lot, it does baffle him sometimes)

Anyway, I'm quite pleased because I booked a load of OU tutorials, and in the past I've forgotten about them, but I set a load of reminders on my phone for them last month and it went off today. I hadn't a clue I had one today, despite looking at them at the weekend. I tried writing it in a diary. I forgot to look at the diary.

Urrgh that came out a mess. I forgot the - turns into strike throughs. Oh well it illustrates the point!

Does anyone else use the Finch app?

I have got up, washed or showered, and dressed in clean clothes almost every single day for the last 256 days.

For me that is a MASSIVE achievement because I suffer from brain paralysis.

I think Finch is succesful because it's not about me - I want my "birb" to not be stuck in his nest all day, and want him to travel the world, so it motivates me to do the things that will enable that.

I have very simple tasks set, such as get out of bed, have a wash/shower, put on clean underwear, deodorant, moisturiser, get dressed, brush teeth, and so on.

All the basics are covered, and I've introduced household tasks, some of which have been more succesful than others.

I've learnt that big things, or work things, just don't happen, but I'm happy that I'm clean and dressed every day.

Well...

I also struggle with phone calls, especially making them. This thread is enlightening about the "smaller " side effects such as binge eating/obesity. I've been struggling with these for nearly 60 years. GP wouldn't be interested.

Me too, I’m over-organised, always early, financially secure with hardly anything left on mortgage and no other debt. Partner of 20+ years and kids. I too go in cycles, do everything amazingly, don’t drink, eat well, exercise, house is immaculate and organised, lots of plans kept up with …then completely fall apart for a few days and sit there looking at the wall, drinking, eating donuts and cancelling stuff. It’s like my brain just says ‘NO more’ and can’t cope. Then I get behind with stuff, get more stressed and at some point finally get my energy back and the cycle begins again. It’s torture really.

I get you. I am not diagnosed, neither is my OH but it's possible we are given that how you describe yourself is a bit like us.

We have had a DPP, cannot be trusted with CCs (50k in 2 years!). Its lots of little things, and we can cope when its just ourselves we are looking after, but as a family unit its actually worse I think.
I cant live in mess....every one else is messy - so then I shut down its a whole cycle.

My eldest has been diagnosed ADD - though she is on meds they do FA. SHe is ramping up to exams and I can see the binge eating kicking in - she had 3 dinners the other day, then got really shitty when I questioned why, after having a steak bake, a big bowl of porridge, did she then want a MacDonalds meal! She has put on 10kg since xmas. She is also useless with money, despite us trying to explain to her about saving - she just wants to buy every new trend. I actually am beginning to think that there will need to be something in place when she reaches 18 to stop her applying for credit - but she wants to study Law so if we do that it will affect that.
Youngest the SEN teacher says is glaring ASD. Neither can stick to schedules, rules etc. I try and try and try until I honestly feel like driving into a wall at speed.

I actually had to scratch that itch and reversed into my own fence yesterday whilst screaming (we live rural so no one else saw).

My best friends both have ADHD though. One is SUPER organized, on the go, full of (nervous)energy . The other is always on the verge of a breakdown. I don't feel I can speak to them about what's going on with me as I think they will assume I am copying them, and also, I don't want to give them something else in their brain they don't need to be worrying about (if that makes sense!).

Its depressing AF. Especially when you also feel like your just being whiney, or a fraud mentioning issues. People do assume that because you are presentable your fine, its all fine, when really your going back to your dumpster fire of a car, to go to your literal shit tip of a house. But you don't seek help because to do so makes you a burden - like I already have an autoimmune condition, and a connective tissue disorder, so I feel like I would be taking the piss out the NHS to ask for any more help.

There might be a discord (cos we all know who loves a discord!) for adhd??

Can I also say that I think that modern life makes everything so much worse in terms of demanding a lot of cognitive energy and switching attention and that it is overwhelming anyway- so if you have some dysfunction around this, it is understandable you would struggle. We really weren't set up to operate in this super-complicated over-stimulating world, and so again, kindness to yourself if you find it overwhelming and paralysing is ok.

I have also got to county court stages, parking tickets unpaid, but am getting better with asking others to help me get on with it and that's working better than waiting for myself to act.