Why does no one talk about the more extreme traits of ADHD?

[Cantfinishanything]

My credit score is in hell. Multiple CCJs due to just forgetting parking tickets or not being able to cope.
Obese.
Problems with addiction and overspending.
Fixations I can’t move on from. Even though I know it’s boring to those around me.
Cant discipline my children as I can’t stick to rules even ones I’ve set myself.
In trouble at work due to not being able to do the parts of the job I find boring.
Constant interrupting even though I know I do it and I try really hard not to.
Lateness, being eternally bloody late even with waking up at 5 and feeling ready to go about an hour before I need to. Yes I know it’s rude.
Terrible at relationships as everything feels like it’s controlling and claustrophobic.
Poor physical health, cant stick to things even taking vitamins or exercise classes.
I spend so long just hating and feeling frustrated at myself.
Yet everyone thinks they have ADHD these days so why do I find it so hard to talk to people about these things? How can we have the same condition and yet you have a mortgage, successful marriage, beautiful well behaved children, stick to a routine, go to the gym and run marathons?

My last dishwasher died on me ( because waterboard allowed a road works to break a mains pipe in the middle of the night … burnt out my machine🙄) so I’ve got another 1 to love now. I have to sort of trick myself to get it loaded? It’s like i can do it almost accidentally. Buuuut, mine has to go on at night as we have cheaper night-time electricity.
How many lost, misplaced, forgotten whilst charging; -keys wallets, phones tablets???
My GMum about 60yrs ago was gonna play piano for my cousins ballet class exam…. complete chaos!! no mobiles to remind or find her, never discovered what she doing, so whole thing collapsed for all class & hired examiner no other way to produce accompanying ‘music’!!! cousin wanted to murder GM, never spoke to her again. Guess that’s where i inherited it?

How many cupboards & crates of fabric lengths for funishings or clothes that may well never be made up… my oldest 1 is nearly 50yrs old lol.
I find I’m a bit better at organising the rejection sensitivity now, I can reassure myself that’s how I am feeling, its not being ‘over sensitive’, I can feel how I choose, sort of helps me to put it in it’s own little file in my brain wher I can find it later if needed.
House & garden are a tip

Theres a load more, many thanks Cantfinishanything 💐

The issue is that the way you rebuild your credit rating is by taking on more debt (but obviously paying it off!).

That said, I don't know the official line on this but using klarna, open pay and PayPal pay in 3 seems to have improved my credit rating. I can manage those as its just 3 payments that they take direct from my account. I also got a phone on contract that I didn't default on. So now my rating is OK ish.

Credit cards have been my downfall. Twice in my life I've built up CC debt and not been able to pay it off then ended up with it wiped after 6 years. I'm in SH (also dont drive) so I don't particularly "need" a good credit rating. But the problem was then that I could only get high interest cards which of course ended up in spiraling debt! It's not great, I dont feel good about it. So I really wouldn't want to let that happen again.

I also didn't pay my council tax for years! I just buried my head in the sand over it. I definitely do not recommend it. I ended up close to 20k in debt to them. I've been paying it back over 3 years and I have 2 payments left now and its finally done. Didn't have a choice as they put an attachment of earnings on me, so I managed to negotiate the payment plan but if I hadn't stuck to it they would have put the attachment on again.

It's so hard. It's so easy for people to say "just be responsible". I'm not saying I expect sympathy, not at all. But I find most NT people dont have empathy and think I'm just making excuses. I can manage to be "good" for a period of time, but its always a struggle and I always cave in and splurge again at some point.

I kind of wish I could hand over all my finances to someone else and just be given "pocket money"! But I have no partner and no reliable relatives to do that for me.

I kind of wish I could hand over all my finances to someone else and just be given "pocket money"! But I have no partner and no reliable relatives to do that for me.
Would you let someone take over and give you pocket money, if there was anyone (sorry there isn't at the moment a partner or reliable relative in your life). DH and I would love to do that for my SD who is always hideously in debt despite being on a good salary. But she doesn't like to have it implied that she can't manage, and thinks she will sort it out in the next month or two.

I know it’s not just being lazy and not trying hard enough. I struggle with really simple instructions but can follow complex ideas and see patterns where other people can’t; I can’t follow directions even if I really try and concentrate; I can’t remember conversations even when I’ve been listening intently; I’m hopeless at multi-tasking; I get really stressed about dates and organising events. In short I struggle with executive functioning. For example I walked past a mural in London numerous times - it’s massive. Then I suddenly noticed it and was informed it had been there for two years. I just didn’t notice it because I was thinking of other things.

I find I get overwhelmed really easily and need a lot of down time. I’m not lazy because I feel happier when I’ve done lots of tasks, I just struggle to get started and to follow through. I also get burn out when I try and push too hard so it’s not as simple as trying harder.

I think it’s a case of finding little hacks that make life easier for you. For example I put things I need to take with me by the front door so I don’t forget them. That’s made a massive difference. When I have to do something boring I set a timer. Those things and doing things in chunks rather than envisioning doing something in totality have really helped.

For instance I’m getting divorced and I couldn’t cope with the whole thing in one go - the financial side, the emotional side, the division of belongings, dealing with adult children, telling people. So I’ve had to break it down into individual pieces and dealing with each one at a time. It’s made it much more doable and bearable and I’m no longer stuck.

@janietreemore
I honestly would at this point. It would be a big weight off my mind.

Your SD may come around to the idea in time. It's hard admitting to struggling with these things. It is also hard to give up that control.

I'm in awe of anyone with ADHD who can drive! I'm hopeless because I don't have the concentration or multitasking skills needed.

I actually struggle with spending because I have difficulty making decisions and end up overwhelmed by choice. I tend to go without things that I need, eg, warm coat despite having the money to buy one.

I can't cook anything other than one-pot-meals because I don't have the organisational skills to deal with multiple components of a meal simultaneously.

I'm prone to what I call 'brain farts' where I go momentarily blank about things I should know, for example, if someone asked me my house number I suddenly can't remember! (doctor says its stress and not dementia).

I can really relate to the not remembering conversations. It used to really frustrate an old boss of mine who could recall everything

So annoying. I think people think I’m rude not remembering what they’ve told me. Other people remember things effortlessly.

The other way DH thinks he's told me something when he hasn't. DS told him a week ago that he he and partner were home this weekend. I didn't find out till Thursday!!! But DH he's always adamant that I did know.

I'm so used to having conversations with DH he's completely forgotten so denies I rarely get angry. But he does with me 🤷‍♀️

Thanks. I might try the pay in three PayPal. I had avoided it out of fear of screwing that up too.

I can sooo relate to the council tax thing. And then they threaten court action and I'm so ashamed that I cannot even bring myself to call them to sort it out and then go into real severe deprivation trying to pay backdated money all in one go in panic at the last minute. It's not just about the money either. Even when I was broke and had it heavily reduced, I would end up not paying it.

I'm always in trouble with Thames Water.

I have to read the Gas meter and haven't given a reading for years. I hate to think how much I might owe once it's corrected! It's really hard. Even email reminders I just avoid looking at them.

Need to get better help. But it has to be private in my borough. NHS will not cover adult ADHD or prescribe so much GP says. I cannot afford it all currently

Massive solidarity OP, basically the only way I function is because I have a husband who helps take the life admin slack, and he keeps an eye on money and gives me "pocket money" this is all with my consent and I have full access to all accounts if I wanted to, but I need intervention as I'd just buy shite. I also only work a 30 hr week in a job that is constantly evolving and demanding so I do pretty well at it. I've tried CBT and I'm shit at keeping the diary they gave me so can't suggest that.

My house is always a mess and cluttered and I keep buying boxes and storage solutions and then never storing anything (although I like to keep things clean if that makes sense) I'm terrible at keeping on top of laundry. I can however clean and tidy other peoples houses for Britain when family or friends have needed help.

I also binge eat, but have kerbed that recently, by logging on MFP when my doctor informed me my cholesterol is too high and gave me a kick up the arse to lose weight. I've been procrastinating for a month however, but saw a shit picture of me from valentines day so that's given me the extra push to take my diet seriously. Now I am obsessively weighing every crumb that goes into my body and its coming off, just hope I can keep it up. I also found a good zumba class and have been going for the past couple of months since its "fun"

Alarms on my phone help alot with school stuff and the mums whatsapp group constantly sends reminders so I do manage to get alot of that stuff sorted.

I'm constantly late though, it's so embarrassing and there is a few people that have little patience for me, I'm worst with people I'm close too. I don't think I've ever not ran to catch my train for my morning commute, no matter how early I wake.

I also pick my skin, I didn't realise that was an ADHD thing, I've had acne my entire life though so I can't help but constantly probe at my face. When I've been very stressed I've made a real mess of my face before.

My DC definitely has ADHD too but he's only 5 and can't be diagnosed yet. Xx

Kindly, you have to be determined to overcome those challenges. Yes it’s overwhelming and tough but what’s the alternative?

are you not taking methylphenidate? If not, then YOU NEED TO

I'm also a skin picker, for me the underneath part of my heels. I'd no idea this was related.

Does anyone have Wonderspace? My friend with executive functioning disorder and dyslexia recommended it.

It uses pomodoro to help you stick to desk work tasks by breaking things down into 25 minute sessions.

I've tried it, but my problem is getting started. So, I've not made much use of it as I'm still trying to find a way to actually get me to open it up to start!

I'm also a skin picker, for me the underneath part of my heels.

You've no idea how refreshing it is to find someone else who does this. A horrible thing to have in common, but nice to not feel so alone.

Ok so I have ADHD and ASD. To other people I seem successful and well balanced most of the time. But that doesn't mean it's my actual reality. I've been a binge eater for as long as I can remember, have spending issues which have been out of control and landed me in debt that I couldn't cope with, and I spend half my life utterly exhausted because of the amount of effort I expend fitting in.

My life is very regimented to ensure I do things that need to be done, when they need to be done. I prep everything for the next day in advance. So I've prepped tomorrow's lunch whilst sorting dinner, my work bag is packed and I have a list on my phone to check everything is in it. I have a reminder set to go to bed on time. I have to allow time at the end of my working day to review tomorrow and make a step by step plan of where I need to be, what I need to get done etc and I write it down because it helps me retain it.

I love exercising because it's something I do at the start of the day. It helps get my head in order and sets me up better for the day than when I don't do it. I'm quite driven by the quick reward it gives me too. I've channelled my spending buzz into a savings buzz but I had to start in very small ways, and then build upon them once they were established and routine.

I've lost a lot of weight and I'm terrified of becoming obese again. I physically can't binge in the way I used to, and purposely chose to go down the route I did because I knew I needed that physical barrier.

Its bloody hard! Medication made a hell of a difference to me though.

Yes, my friend with ADHD was obsessed with the gym at one point. Now he can't work, has turned his nice flat into a shithole and plays computer games all the time. He has other issues as well, though, which I'm guessing might be common in people with ADHD.

Another friend has shared in confidence that she has it. I feel bad because everyone else has guessed anyway. She managed to educate herself and keep down jobs, but not without additional difficulty.

OP please consider trying Mounjaro. It has really helped my ADHD in all sorts of ways. In particular my spending habits and tendency to rely on alcohol when feeling any sort of feeling. It's hard to explain but I feel more stable on it.

"Kindly", for some that determination itself is virtually impossible! I can try as hard as I can, but other than becoming a recluse I will always say things impulsively or start talking louder and louder. I don't realise I'm doing it, until someone tells me.

If something is overwhelming by definition it's exceptionally hard to overcome, and with little or no executive function that makes it virtually impossible for some. For many people if you fail at the same thing constantly eventually you either give up or break; I've gone both ways in the past and having a total breakdown isn't the answer to anything.

Kindly, would you tell a physically disabled person that they just have to overcome the challenge of being able to walk a mile/dance the conga?

No, because ADHD isn’t a disability and there is no comparison to be made there. ADHD doesn’t paralyse people who have it, it makes life more challenging certainly but those challenges can ge overcome with coping techniques

Couldn’t agree more op. My daughter has it and extreme adhd is so so debilitating. She will always need support.

I think you’ll find it is

I think this is part of the problem - because so many people now have what I'm going to call 'mild' ADHD, there is little recognition of those who have the kind of ADHD where no coping techniques or hacks are going to cut it. Of course there will be these people if 'its a spectrum'. There will be people actually disabled by it where 'determination' or 'strategies' just won't be enough. Ever.

I think I'm on the 'mild' end but honestly this thread has made me cry with relief because it's not just me being shit. But nevertheless I can just about cope (though I do spend a lot of time in tears and feel like everything is awful and I've fucked up many many times).

I struggle to get help but I can just about do it in the right conditions. What of the people who are so debilitated they can't?

I think I am resolved now to try and get some help, inspired by those on here who struggle like me but have managed to improve things. I'm considering developing an in depth obsession with laundry detergents to get the washing done, for a start.

Although I've also realised from this thread that partly I have a DH problem which is likely exacerbating the ADHD traits. I wonder in fact if he's a bit ADHD. He has a lovely, stimulating job, well paid and has left me to do all the shitwork ever since we had children. The collaborative task we were doing - he had all the fun interesting bits and I had all the boring bits I can't stand.

Does anyone else think modern life exacerbates ADHD traits too? I suppose easy access to credit cards certainly doesn't help with getting into debt.

I'm old enough to have known a time before smartphones and I feel my smartphone and technology in general far from making things easier makes things harder. I find it hard to step away from more interesting content online than what I'm supposed to be doing. Constant distractions. And then the boring admin part of endless apps and having to clear your cache and boring, boring crap like that and not being able to do things simply without a thousand clicks.

I’m diagnosed and prescribed and I find it isn’t. Don’t undermine my struggle by calling me disabled