Shocked at DFs revelation

[Stepsisterfromhell]

My DF is an advanced age. He has recently confided to me that my stepsister tried to seduce him years ago (she was an adult ofc) He never told anyone including his wife, my stepmother. He does not want anyone to know and has asked me not to tell anyone, The reason he told me is because he thinks she is trying to get him put in a care home so she can move in with her mother, He doesn’t trust her. WWYD?

YABU - you must l tell the rest of the family
YANBU - respect his wishes and keep quiet

Think about it people - how does the step-daughter benefit by "pushing him out into a home"? Care homes are very expensive! Where's that money going to come from? Oh yes, SD's (eventual) inheritance.

And if SD and her mum do manage to "push him into a home", and then sell his house, that will be seen as a deprivation of assets by the council. They will still have to pay for his care.

None of this makes sense. I don't reckon there is a "plot" to push him out. I reckon it's the paranoia and dementia of an old man.

You might be right about the dementia, if course, but if his spouse is still living in the home, the council can't force her to sell it to pay for care. So, I think the plan is to put dad in a home and then my stepsister moves in with her mother. Dad's care will be covered by the local authorities until either he dies or my stepmother does.

Oh, I see. Well the local council really doesn't like to pay for care home fees, so there will be all sorts of hoops for them to jump through! Let alone him not actually wanting to go to one. Even with dementia patients, it's a big step to say they lack capacity to decide where they want to live. You only have to look at some of the threads on here, where people are tearing their hair out!

If this really is a "plot", it's not going to be as easy as he seems to think.

Best thing is to get the LPAs, if you can be on them. And even they don't kick in until a long way down the dementia route, ime.

You and your solicitor have a copy.

Which if your dad does need care eventually due to dementia will probably happen anyway. Of course the surviving spouse gets to live in the house, why would you lose your home just because your spouse needs care? This has been the norm for decades.
When my mum needed care my dad remained in their house until he needed care after she died. Then the house was sold. My brother did shift in with him for awhile for company and to help out. Perfectly normal scenario.
The remaining spouse is generally allowed the house, one car and and savings of a certain limit if the state is paying for care. If the house is jointly owned it remains that way, no matter who lives in it.

Thank goodness someone did say this! Some of the early signs are misremembering things, mixing up fantasy with reality, suspicion that those around you are trying to steal from you, and angry thoughts of being 'put in a home'.

Don't get carried away, OP.

That will is now lost and his wife wants to make a new one, with her as sole executor.

None of that might be true, of course. How do you "lose" a will? The solicitor will have a copy. There must be a finite number of (probably) local solicitors that they used. Doies your DSM really want to make a new one? You don't know. You only have his word.

I mean, I can tell from your user name that you're not that keen on your step-sister 😉but it might be all part of your DF's confusion and paranoia.

Not sure what you have got against my dad but you have no evidence for anything you have said.

As for my username, I tried several other versions but tehy were taken so I went with this - as I have explained numerous times, I have a fairly ok relationship with her, but not a close one. I have heard bad things from other members of the family. However, I was shocked at the idea that she might have tried to seduce my dad but I have kept an open mind throughout the discussion, including that he might have dementia, from some very helpful MN posters. Your post is not helpful but feels more hostile. Are you my DSS? :)

There is always the possibility that it was he that propositioned his stepdaughter and she knocked him back but he’s worried she’s going to
spill, so he’s getting his version in first.

I have absolutely nothing against your dad. I'm sorry if it seemed that way.

I guess I'm just trying to help you see a pattern. People who are confused and paranoid do not know that they are confused and paranoid.

And all my questions still stand. All you have is his word, here. And one of his words is that your DSS tried to seduce him. Which I am sure he believes.

This. If sounds like he's worried about what may well come out after he's gone. Sorry OP.

OP, I think you need to talk to him again and challenge his version of events because it all sounds highly unlikely.

There's no point challenging a person who has dementia over a confabulation. They totally believe it. There is no argument, no logic, that will talk them out of it.

OP, it is true that inappropriate behaviour and fantasies are both symptoms of advanced dementia but unless your father is showing significant other symptoms it is less likely to be the case.

I think your best plan is to talk through whether he understands the provisions of both Lasting Power of Attorneys (Financial and Health) and a new Will. Whether you do that on your own to start with or with a trusted Solicitor straight away is up to you.

If it is true that a previous Will has been ‘lost’ then a new one, properly drawn up will supersede it anyway. Your solicitor might suggest storing the new Will with the Probate Office, just so it doesn’t go missing….

I’d also make sure both you and the solicitor check with your father whether he wants his wife to be involved in the drawing up of the documents and what part he wants her and/or you to play in their execution. You might also check with the solicitor that (s)he is confident your father has capacity.

Regarding the missing will, given that you are named as executor in it, it may be worth checking with local solicitors first, before going to the time and cost of having a new one drawn up. I located a relative's will in which I was a named executor by phoning the ten nearest local solicitors offices in the town where my relative had lived and asking if they had a copy stored with them - and lo, one of them did. Also many wills - though not all - are logged with the National Will Register.

Was the missing/found Will still relevant?

If OP's father isn't sure what's in the missing Will and/or wants to update it, then probably better to get a new one done and stored with the Probate Office and with all relevant parties having a copy.

I think he would prefer to find the existing will and I will help him do that. If we find it, we can consider updating it but I doubt that much has changed. I will definitely take a copy if I do find it!

Remember that if he had a joint will, my understanding is that when he makes a new one that totally null and voids the first one. This would mean that if your SM dies first without makibg a new will she will die intestate and your dad could have to share her estate with her children. In fairness you should let her know she not longer has a will.

I'd suggest you tell dad Dad that he should make a new will and you'll keep searching for the old one. Tell him that if it's found and he's content with it, the later will can be voided and torn up. But remind him that he needs to have his wishes 'formalized' now since the previous will may be 'lost'.

This seems like a really bad idea. If he's got a mirror will with his wife, any new will will cancel that.

And, even if OP does this, she has no idea if he will have capacity when it comes time to cancel the new one.

I recommend no quick action is taken, OP finds the old will, and actually talks to her stepmother about it all.

I think some people are getting mirror and mutual wills confused. Mirror wills are independent of each other despite being essentially the same, and if one is revoked it doesn't affect the other.
Mutual wills are bound together and can only be changed by mutual agreement and the terms can't be changed after the death of the first partner or spouse.

I think you're incorrect regarding the mirror will being affected. Mirror wills are stand alone, see my post above.

Right, thanks. Well either way, imo writing a new will with the idea of then cancelling it is just adding layers of complication onto a situation that may not be complicated at all.

I agree, making a new Will should revoke all previous ones so if the ‘new’ Will (No2) was cancelled/revoked the person would become intestate (unless Will No 3 was made) because Will No 1 would NOT come back into play. It's a fallacy that you can just tear a new Will up and the previous one is OK.

If Father still wants the provisions of his original Will to stand but it can’t be found, then he probably still needs to make a new one with the original provisions. If the original Will can’t be found now then how would it suddenly come to light in the event of his death? Hmmmmm….???