Shocked at DFs revelation

[Stepsisterfromhell]

My DF is an advanced age. He has recently confided to me that my stepsister tried to seduce him years ago (she was an adult ofc) He never told anyone including his wife, my stepmother. He does not want anyone to know and has asked me not to tell anyone, The reason he told me is because he thinks she is trying to get him put in a care home so she can move in with her mother, He doesn’t trust her. WWYD?

YABU - you must l tell the rest of the family
YANBU - respect his wishes and keep quiet

There is a National Will Registry (linked upthread) where you can, but do not have to, register your will when it is drawn up. It contains details of where the will is held so it can be found more easily on your death.

She wasn't young, she was in her 40s.

Young compared to him.

Regardless of whether this happened or not, your dad clearly feels vulnerable and wants help sorting out POA and will, so in your shoes I would absolutely make myself involved in that, and in getting his wishes recorded on things like home/care home, inheritance, medical decisions like dnr and organ register, pretty much anything you can think of in terms of his wishes get it recorded.

Listen people, women do not make weird or inappropriate sexual advances EVER and that is a stone cold scientific FACT.

There is a region of the brain known as Shatner's Bassoon found only in female brains which entirely prevents this kind of behaviour.

We need to ensure men in their 60s never have unsupervised access to vulnerable young 40-somethings.

I’m genuinely unsure if there has ever been an instance in history of what the op is suggesting, a woman effectively suggesting incest.

i would assume the dad mistook what happened or his memory altered over time, or he himself cracked on to her and is changing it to make it her fault. As he thinks she’s trying to get rid of him due to it.

what disturbs me more is the ops readiness to believe such a thing, the op clearly dislikes or resents fhis woman, the fact they aren’t close but he became father to her at such a young age says there is a back story there, in terms of how she felt about her fathers new family.

Women have done way, way weirder stuff than (as an adult) coming onto their step-dad in what I presume the stepsister would describe (if this story is indeed true) as a moment of madness she very much regrets at a very difficult time in her life.

I'm not picking up on any resentment from the OP, she seems pretty neutral towards her stepsister i.e. gets on with her ok but a bit wary. It's not like OP has flown into a rage and said "I always knew she was a hussy!", and it seems she is trying to navigate this situation very fairly.

You seem to be masterful at reading between the lines but absolutely useless at reading the actual words I have written in this thread.

OP, if your dad gets a dementia diagnosis you wont be able to get LPA/will. Get the LPA /will drawn up before you go to the GP. My dads LPA for health and welfare was lost during the processing (16weeks). He had a memory clinic appointment during that time where he was given a dementia diagnosis. This meant we couldn't re-apply.
It was a nightmare concerning his care and social services.

@Stepsisterfromhell

I think at this point your paramount concern is to protect your dad. You asked upthread if you should tell your siblings. As long as they will join ranks with you in protecting Dad, I certainly would. But I would just tell them about the apparent 'plot' of your SM's to get Dad out of the house.

As far as DSS and her allegations, it's a she said/he said situation and in a way is not relevant to his current situation. I'd set that aside as a problem for another day.

I just looked on the Alzheimer's Society website and it says you can make a LPA and a Will after a dementia diagnosis, so long as you have "capacity" which might need to be determined by a GP.

Anyway, it looks like I am going to have to make a longer trip to visit him and help sort it all out.

Thanks again, all.

I wouldn't tell the siblings. Because they too will be horrified, possibly for no reason, and it will then inevitably get back to the OP's stepsister and stepmother, and indeed father, and all hell will break loose. For something that may well be completely made up.

I think the OP should do what she's planning on doing - assess the situation, and take it from there.

I'll just say one more thing, OP - when people with dementia tell confabulations, they utterly believe them. And, as you've found, they will add more and more detail to their story - which they also totally believe. They're not "lying" as such, and you can't get them to say they're wrong. You just have to hope they move on.

We couldnt.

We couldnt find a solicitor who would touch it with a bargepole.

I'd do the will / lpa first.

Then leave a gap before you go to the docs.

If he does have early signs of dementia, there's nothing that can be done anyway. But a diagnosis will block the will.

Which do you think is more likely:

a) Forty year old woman tries to seduce her sixty year old step-father, thus blowing up her whole life and family and forever ruining her relationship with her own mother (happens vanishingly rarely, if ever)

b) Man of advanced age develops dementia (happens literally every day)

For the OP it is not about general likelihoods though. It is about her deep knowledge of the two people involved. If my dad tells me he won the lottery, what do you think is more likely?

a) man actually wins lottery. Tiny chance, one in 50 million.
b) man lies, pulls someone's leg or makes stupid mistake. Happens every day.

I would make a judgement based on my dad's character and the way he communicated this information. I wouldn't just assume he had not won the lottery because scenario b is more likely in general.

My point is the OP should not be encouraged to disbelieve her dad purely on the basis he is a man (perv/liar/demented man- bad!) and her step sister is a woman (sensible, virtuous, pure woman- good!).

I meant to only tell about the SM's plot, not to tell the siblings about DSS's allegations. I probably wasn't clear enough.

She absolutely shouldn't. Just tell them about their SM trying to push DF out of the home and get POA. The DSS's allegations needn't be mentioned at all.

What allegations has DSS made? Can't see anything about any allegations she has made in the OP's posts. (Now I shall stop hanging around this thread for the day!)

They will also go on rote and tell the same story exactly the same every time which makes them more believable.

So you don't have an option of filing them officially in the UK? In New Zealand it's optional but there is a government service that you can use for a one off fee.

I think the main thing here is how is your dad's relationship with his wife? She would know how her daughter operates surely. Even if the allegations of SS trying to put him in a home were true wouldn't his wife put a stop to that. Can't imagine anyone shipping their husband of decades off to a home just because their child wants that.

I’d ask him to make an appointment with his solicitor or at least speak to them if he did his will through them. They should have registered his will (so it’s available publicly following his eventual death) and be able to produce copies. You can do LPA at the solicitor’s or have the paperwork sent to you for signing, but this won’t stop your evil stepsister from trying to wangle situations. I think you need to take action really quickly.

Maybe do what I’ve done, I have POA for my mum and access to her accounts, purely for ease. I can use them to buy major items eg a new bed/send cards to far flung family. It also means I can keep an eye on them.

Is your mum married though? To have access to his accounts may actually be access to the joint accounts. This man has been married to his wife for decades and there is no mention that the marriage is in anyway troubled.

real life doesn't follow common sense.