Shocked at DFs revelation

[Stepsisterfromhell]

My DF is an advanced age. He has recently confided to me that my stepsister tried to seduce him years ago (she was an adult ofc) He never told anyone including his wife, my stepmother. He does not want anyone to know and has asked me not to tell anyone, The reason he told me is because he thinks she is trying to get him put in a care home so she can move in with her mother, He doesn’t trust her. WWYD?

YABU - you must l tell the rest of the family
YANBU - respect his wishes and keep quiet

She 'tried to seduce him'?! I'm sorry but how does that situation actually look and play out? I'd be more inclined to believed he was perving on her.

Sorry that sounds awful but he's got a grudge against her and it just seems a bit convenient he's raising it now because she's suggested something he's not keen on. But yet it can never be spoken of to anyone?

I fhe old one was drawn up by a solicitor - the solicitor will still have a copy.

I don't want to mention details as it might be outing (in case she is on here) but it is a believable scenario. He described the context and surrounding events and the outcome.

He doesn't have a grudge against her. He has been a caring father to her for decades and has protected her from others and stayed loyal to her when she has done things that upset others in the family. But he feels vulnerable now and doesn't trust her to look after his best interests which is why he has confided in me.

She is a very self-interested person and has alienated other members of the family, including her own grown children, so I can see his fears being real. But as I say, he may be just getting old and paranoid.

OP has already said they can't remember where it was drawn up.

It would be a sound idea to make new documents and for the spouse and step daughter be left out of it - have the document stored with a solicitor and have a copy yourself somewhere it will not get ‘lost’. A documented and recorded conversation with a solicitor outlining all of these issues at the time also should be undertaken in order to have it on some form of record if things get difficult down the line. As for joint LPA’s is you have jointly only then you both have to agree and act as one; if you have jointly and severally then you can both act without the counterbalance of a second - there are issues with both.

I think focusing on the seduction bit from years ago is not very helpful. No one knows except him and her. What you need to do now is sort out a new will and get the POA sorted again if needs be. Maybe they are plotting against him and the daughter has undue influence over her mother or maybe he’s getting paranoid. I’d get your siblings and step siblings onside and go from there. He can use the fact that the will seems to be lost as an excuse. Don’t do anything in secret. If his wife doesn’t want to draw up new documents then your Dad can do his own.

Ok, if you find the scenario believable then fair enough. I can only say to me it sounds very outlandish. Without knowing the details.
If he doesn't want you to do or say anything about it I can only imagine it puts you in a very awkward position.

As soon as I read the OP, I knew that pretty soon people would turn up to say he must be a dirty perv and no woman would ever make a messed-up sexual advance like this. And I was right!

Let's all remember that women are universally well adjusted and never do anything irrational or inappropriate, especially when it comes to sex.

It would be a sound idea to make new documents and for the spouse and step daughter be left out of it - have the document stored with a solicitor and have a copy yourself somewhere it will not get ‘lost’.

I think that that sums it up.

Never mind all the step sister flimflam, get your dads will sorted and POA etc whilst he has capacity. This could all go sideways at some point if you don’t.

This. I also agree with PPs that it could have been the other way round…

Apologies, haven’t RTFT but you say they had a mirrored will? My husband’s father had one with his partner because it was the cheaper option. He was older & died first thinking that both his and her kids would inherit eventually.
Her child persuaded her to change her will after his death so that when she died his kids got nothing. No way I’d have a mirrored will.

I think you should say that he has concerns about this woman and how she could manipulate his wife into doing something that is not in his best interest. You don't need to give details

This is pretty much what I came on to say.

As a previous poster has said, having joint Attorneys can be problematic, as they can either act independently or must agree, so make sure you discuss that with your father and the solicitor. Also, try to make sure you are an executor of the Will.

Care to show us these ‘statistics’?

Thank you, everyone! This has been really helpful for me. I am going to take the advice to email myself a record of dad's comments on the DSS (so I get a time stamp) and then help him arrange legal documents - a Will and PoA - hopefully with the cooperation of my StepDM. I am also going to ask him to make a doctor's appointment to get his mental state of health checked out, and accompany him to the appointment, so that I know the actual situation and not filtered through people who he does not trust.

Mumsnet can be so supportive! I appreciate it.

Op, I know you say you get on fine with her, but it comes across like you deeply dislike her. It would be very unusual for a woman to make a sexual pass at a man she knows and thinks of as father, very.

If you can't see for yourself on a statistical/demographic level, that old men are obviously more likely to hit on middle-aged women than vice versa, and that stepfathers are more likely to make sexual attempts on their stepdaughters than vice versa, then I'm not sure anything will help you.

I would ask him if he wants your StepDM involved. He may feel he cannot speak freely in front of her because she will advocate for her own DD to be involved. She also doesn't know about the issue with his Step DD and may not want it to come out when conversations start.

You've accidentally tagged me instead of the OP, but yes, all of this is what I was trying to prompt OP to consider.

Childhood abuse is the kind of thing that often only comes out after someone dies. There are a number of potential red flags here.

So you don’t have any then. Ok.

Good point. He called me when she was out of the house. His memory and recall seem fine to me - he did not forget a single fact or repeat himself at all in the entire 45 minute long conversation. He sounded scared of insisting that I was added to the PoA as she wants full control.

Exactly. I'd be worried about beginnings of dementia or her side being entirely different

Sorry, I am ignoring the (thankfully few) comments about statistics and dirty old men because you're a one trick pony and totally unhelpful in the current situation.

I do not dislike my stepsister as I have mentioned but it is true that she has alienated half of the family, including her three grown children who have nothing to do with her anymore. She is very self-serving, apparently. I don't have much to do with her because we live some distance away (she is closer geographically to dad and stepmum) but whenever I have been in her company, I have enjoyed myself. She is engaging and chatty and can be a good laugh. But I have heard otherwise from other members of the family. Her youngest daughter seems to have been emotionally destroyed by her, and I feel for her - but as I say I am not really involved. The point is my feelings about her are irrelevant, I love my dad and he trusts me and doesn't trust her, so I want to help him.

Nobody can 'put' someone with capacity in a care home. Even when they don't have capacity it's unlikely unless high needs that can't be met at home.