Shocked at DFs revelation

[Stepsisterfromhell]

My DF is an advanced age. He has recently confided to me that my stepsister tried to seduce him years ago (she was an adult ofc) He never told anyone including his wife, my stepmother. He does not want anyone to know and has asked me not to tell anyone, The reason he told me is because he thinks she is trying to get him put in a care home so she can move in with her mother, He doesn’t trust her. WWYD?

YABU - you must l tell the rest of the family
YANBU - respect his wishes and keep quiet

He should go to a solicitor privately and draw up a new will.

Statistically speaking, it's far more likely that a man in his 60's would sleaze onto his 40-something stepdaughter when she's vulnerable, than that she would try to seduce an old man who's been her stepfather since she was a small child. It just doesn't ring true. If so, that would explain why she doesn't like him.

Regardless, the best thing to do with what you know is to keep it to yourself and not spread rumours, while sorting out your DF's will, and making sure you have LPA.

Your dad obviously has capacity to make his own decisions so his wife and step-daughter can't just 'put him in a home'.

Is the house jointly owned by your dad and step-mother or did your dad move into his wife's house? What is their financial situation?

I’m confused as to why he told you - how is it relevant to him being put into care.

I would forget about what he said and not tell anyone.
Even if it was true then what will telling people achieve?
You’re going to be the one that gets the shit from everyone and it will cause drama for no reason.

It seems unlikely that it is true due to the timing that it has come out and sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you and pit you against her.

Has there always been tension between you and her?

This

I would also seriously consider the possibility of dementia.

This happens a lot with the elderly. It's not just dementia but many of the drugs they are on cause illusions. They are very real to them and that is why they can seem very convincing to the person they are talking to.

One thing he could consider doing is swearing an affidavit to what he told you, not saying anything but depositing it with his solicitor. (You should also keep a copy). This might carry more weight in the future if required, should his mental faculties dull.

Would he be prepared to do this? (This in itself might be a useful test).

I think the OP knows her DF and her SS and if she believes him that is all that matters.
If he is worried about being shipped off to a home or his SD replacing him in the house, that is what is important to him.

I would tell your siblings. It covers you in the future if people ask why you didn't. It covers you whatever the variation if the truth may be. But most importantly there are more people that know if his DW is trying to change his will etc. If he does want/need to make a new will, one of you can witness his signature instead of the step daughter!

I dont get all the responses here disbelieving what the father has said. Does I believe you only apply to women now?

If he has capacity they can’t just put him in a home, he has to consent. The bar for capacity is pretty high so it isn’t so easy. As for his revelation, I wouldn’t tell anyone. As others have said it might well be something that has come into his head and he’s become convinced of it. I certainly saw this with my elderly mum in the last years of her life. There was no diagnosis of dementia though I strongly suspected it. He can make a new will and LPA if needed, an appointment with a solicitor would be a good idea. They can keep the original in their will cabinet if he believes it could be lost.

What exactly are you worried about Op? Is your concern that this will come up one day? If it hasn't so far it will probably never be mentioned by SS.
Why are you so concerned about POA and wills etc. He has a wife so surely it is up to her to look after his well being. You can't just put someone in a home against their will, they have to qualify for a place.
As for the will, wouldn't the wife get everything and vice versa if he outlived her? Most married couples have mirror wills and it sounds like they have been married for years.

How is your dad’s overall health? If he is of sound mind he can’t be forced into a care home without his consent.

sorting out POAs and Will’s seems like good financial planning especially if the will is so old they can’t even remember who wrote it. Would he be more comfortable if you took the lead on helping him apply?

Yep. Raise a safeguarding alert and tell them exactly what you have said here.

It does read a bit as 'getting his version out there so it muddies the water when she suddenly makes allegations either from childhood or from when she was 40'

It's not women so much as the balance of power, he is the one who was like a parent to the girl, she's been painted as a bit of a fantasist and he's now telling this story he's never told anyone, including his wife.

Sounds fishy.

Sorry I can see others raised this before me. There is a possibility and based on likelihood that this happened the other way around especially but not limited to if it was in childhood. My own experience was that a family member who abused two members of my family tried to create a similar narrative. In that instance it was just a way of an abusive personality trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately some people believed his version but the truth was he abused children, I was there, I was one of them he definitely did it. One of the victims had fantastist tendencies after. That is a not uncommon response from children who are abused. They make up more palatable fantasies to cope with having been abused. Just be cautious especially if you have children. I missed your post where you gave her age. I see she was in her 40s, I still would be cautious it is much more common for men to behave these ways than women.

Did he make the will with a solicitor? Does he remember their name? They will have a copy.

What does he say his will says?

That said, he’s potentially the more vulnerable now. Not at the time it happened, but now.

Though @SnoopyPajamas people who are ‘fantasists’, ‘flaky’, are often that way due to childhood abuse. They are made ‘not credible witnesses’ by the abuse they experience. This could be true of your step sister. She could have been painted that why by abusive adults wanting to be sure she wasn’t believed, or become that why because of abuse.

Basically she could have made advances to your dad out of her own pain and vulnerability, or it may never have happened if your dad is suffering cognitive decline, or there may have been something from her childhood that your dad is trying to cover up.

There are a lot of credible possibilities, and not all of them reflect badly on your dad, or your stepsister.
Try and protect him without monstering her, if you can. It’s probably very complicated.

Yes this. Especially if the original will is very old and possibly outdated.

You can take him and drop him off at the sols office. Etc.

She has not given any version of events. And I am certain that if it had been the other way around, ie that my dad tried to seduce her, she will have made it known.

Bluntly? Yes.

men of his age are often more sexist and misogynistic because they grew up in a world where they were considering better than women.

men commit 98% of sexual offences. It’s far more likely he is the perpetrator rather than the victim of an unwanted sexual approach.

id be very surprised if a 40 something woman would hit on her stepfather.

And DARVO is a thing ( reverse victim and offender)

Exactly what I thought tbh.

How certain are you that it’s true? Because my seemingly compos mentis elderly relatively was insistent that he was being stripped naked and paraded round outside at night by a family member, when he absolutely wasn’t. He had a recurrent UTI.

I would suggest to your father that you visit a solicitor and get advice on POA and a new will. Id not see that there was a need to have the step mother on the POA but it can be for both. Or suggest that step mother gets her POA with her daughter and leave it separate.

If this happened 10 years ago when your father was 60, then its very young at 70 to be looking at care homes