Shocked at DFs revelation

[Stepsisterfromhell]

My DF is an advanced age. He has recently confided to me that my stepsister tried to seduce him years ago (she was an adult ofc) He never told anyone including his wife, my stepmother. He does not want anyone to know and has asked me not to tell anyone, The reason he told me is because he thinks she is trying to get him put in a care home so she can move in with her mother, He doesn’t trust her. WWYD?

YABU - you must l tell the rest of the family
YANBU - respect his wishes and keep quiet

I would be concerned if she is really trying to get him into a care home claiming he tried to seduce her and has dementia or such and needs to be moved to a care home
Has your dad shown any symptoms of dementia either imagining something that is not true and never happened?

I missed that but depending where they live they just call round local solicitors - this issue is quite common. Equally emails and old correspondence can be trawled for lawyers’ letters for clues even if they don’t have the will itself.

Have you thought that his revelation' may not even be true. ? How does he get on with your stepsister generally ? He may be just saying it in order to distance her away from other family members. I think you should get your stepsister alone and tell her what he's said and get her version. Im guessing both versions won't be the same.

The reason he told me is because he thinks she is trying to get him put in a care home so she can move in with her mother, He doesn’t trust her.

Thisis all screaming "dementia" at me. And yes, people can make up incredibly detailed confabulations that they totally believe.

And dementia can cause people get paranoid about other people, then make up stories about them. It happened to me! Luckily the story was impossible to be true, but my relation totally believed it.

Even if he truly believes this happened, the chances are that he misinterpreted the situation either at the time or now. We’ve covered the paranoia and dementia aspect. A supposed incident years ago is irrelevant to the question of a care home.

It’s entirely up to your dad who he chooses for PoA so he can appoint you and your step mother.

I'd be looking hard at how else he acts. Often spouses can mask the things the person affected with dementia has trouble with, so there may be more going on than you realise. Things he has trouble with, stories he tells, people he accuses of things... All classic signs.

Might be a good idea to get him to attend a memory clinic.

It should have been filed though so the wills registry will tell you where it is.

She sounds like she could be a sociopathic narcissist. They are very good at putting on a show but often end up estranged from their children.
It is very hard at this point to know what the truth is exactly but getting your dad assessed byba doctor for dementia and UTIs would be a good starting point.

My cousin went through this with our aunt (who wasn't her mother). Thecstories she told. Very intricate and believable. Turned out it was dementia.

Yes it does. Depending on the form of dementia most start to gradually live in the past. They may believe a grandson is there husband etc. Many get stuck in a particular year for some reason.

Confabulations can also often be of a sexual or romantic nature. Especially with behavioural dementia.

No, never. He is forgetful as old people are. I will go with him to his doctor's appointment to assess.

It makes no sense to me that he would bring this up now when he didn’t bring it up to his wife or family at the time and has admitted using the incident to ‘gag’ her in the past. Why does he think she would bring this up now if he successfully used it to shut her up previously? Sounds like he is worried about allegations about him coming out one day, possibly after his passing and is trying to get on the front foot now.

Also elderly men can be quite sexual in their thoughts and behaviour unfortunately and have strange fantasies. Some can become quite "handsy" too, as many a geriatric nurse will tell you. Even if they weren't before. Have actually heard of care homes complaining to families and threatening eviction. It can be quite stressful for the family.

@Stepsisterfromhell that is all a good strategy. She sounds like an utter nightmare from what you’ve posted and the multiple NC children points in its own direction too. She definitely has issues so you are right to put in protective measures for your father.

No, I think it is most likely what others are suggesting: that it is some kind of paranoia arising from dementia. It is just so shocking. Of course, that doesn't mean that she is not trying to get him out of the house so she can move in.

It doesn't surprise me that he would not bring it up earlier, he has always been a "don't rock the boat" kind of guy. If it happened, he would have felt that it was dealt with and done. He hasn't said he thinks she might bring it up but he wanted me to know so that I understood that he has reasons not to trust her. There were other things too, more recent and not sexual, but that one was what really shocked me. I really hope it isn't true but I will never ask her about it. She will only deny it, either way, or worse.

She does sound like an utter nightmare as that’s fhe way fhe op describes her, but she proclaims to like her and easily believes she’d make a sexual pass at a man she considers her father. If thays how the op thinks of people she likes I dread to think how she feels about those she doesn’t.

incest, which this would be in her step sisters mind, as she considers this man a father, is seldom something any female chooses to proactively engage in. In fact I don’t think any.

it is deeply disturbing the op things she’s capable of it.

Be ready to get pushback from your DF when you suggest a doctor's appointment for his "mental health", or whatever. You may have to dress it up as something else, and tell the doctor first.

LOL. You misunderstood. I liked her company before I knew about this situation - I was only told about the supposed sexual advance yesterday! But after all the comments about dementia and paranoia, I think it might be just that. I don't know. My point is that I don't really have a relationship with DSS so I can only go on what other family members say. I have never had a problem with her (until now!)

He sounded glad of the suggestion.

there is no compulsory register of wills in the uk.

Wills aren't registered until someone dies.

Let me get this straight. If a schoolboy says a female teacher has come onto him, we should say - "He must be making it up. Don't bother considering the specific circumstances, details or people involved because statistically it's much more likely to be the other way round with a randy teenage boy. And what could a middle aged woman possibly stand to gain from doing something weird like that anyway?".

OP I don't know the truth of the situation obviously, but I feel you are very much being pushed in the direction that this is not true by a lot of knee jerk commenters. In reality there are messed up people in the world who do all kinds of things most of us never would! You need to make your own assessment of what is most likely to be true as you know both people involved.

I might as well join the ranks of armchair experts in this thread (who seem pretty confident your dad is demented) and say it sounds from your description of her very much like she has narcissistic or borderline personality disorder. BPD in particular would be consistent with doing something extremely dysfunctional like what your father described, possibly as a desperate attempt to seek comfort or distraction from emotional turmoil.

I think the dynamic of teacher/child would be taken seriously. The cases of a young person coming on to her dad figure are vanishingly rare. Unfortunately, the other way round is more common and has often resulted in the dad claiming 'she wanted it'.

I've never heard someone in their forties being called a young person before 😆