Shocked at DFs revelation

[Stepsisterfromhell]

My DF is an advanced age. He has recently confided to me that my stepsister tried to seduce him years ago (she was an adult ofc) He never told anyone including his wife, my stepmother. He does not want anyone to know and has asked me not to tell anyone, The reason he told me is because he thinks she is trying to get him put in a care home so she can move in with her mother, He doesn’t trust her. WWYD?

YABU - you must l tell the rest of the family
YANBU - respect his wishes and keep quiet

It may or may not be true, he may have mis-interpreted affection for something more, or he may have been attracted to her and has twisted it in his mind. Either way he told you not to tell so don't, it could be a can of worms. But support him if he doesn't need or want to go into a home.

It's normal for the other spouse to be executor anyway. Why would you choose one of the children over your spouse? You normally choose one of your children when you are the surviving spouse.

You mean without letting his wife know? Why? Would you like that done to you by your husband or wife? Why not they go together and decide together what happens to their assets?

Firstly if your father has capacity no one can force him into a care home (and they're difficult to get) my mother had end stage Motor Neurones and we still needed her to agree to accept a care home place even when it was incredibly dangerous for her to be at home anymore and we could no longer physically lift her ourselves.

I do see the concerns about SD possibly influencing her mother regarding financial affairs. I agree it would be wise to try and chase up the original will and possibly get a new one drawn up. That said we never needed a formal LPA, but then my mum kept her faculties and didn't have dementia so it wasn't an issue using her bank cards etc. When she died my brother simply gave proof to the bank of his identity and the death cert and we were able to withdraw necessary funds and close the account. So in practice your step mum as his wife, may end up having a lot authority over his money anyway.

Thirdly you don't come across as liking your step sister very much. Your prerogative, but you seem to be placing a lot of trust in a story that seems very unlikely to have happened and even if so, not in the way your DF is alleging. Even if some attempt at a come on by your stepsister were made, to a man that supposed raised her from the age of 10, I sincerely doubt it would have occurred in a vacuum. That is, there likely was either some sort of nonverbal or otherwise communication from your DF that set the atmosphere to suggest that an advance wouldn't necessarily be rejected. That's at best.

I would take something a man says in a dynamic where he was the much older and a stepfather very, very sceptically. My own father, uncles and brothers included. I definitely wouldn't mention it if I were you. There a small chance some other unwelcome things could be there.

Does dementia make you imagine scenarios from years ago? He gave a detailed account of how it happened.

It is possible that it is a fabrication or an illusion. I suspected it was when he told me, as I was so shocked, so challenged him on his memory about certain things. That was when he told me about the one incident it was mentioned afterward, and which silenced her. He said there was no doubt and his account has convinced me it was true.

Yes.

my mum says all kinds of stuff that I know never happened (or at least never happened at the time and place she says it did).

re the will - most modern will are registered with a national service that keeps records of which solicitor holds the will.
if your dad knows which solicitors he went to they also usually retain a copy.
I did mine a couple of years ago.

Cobblers. Either he’s worried about being put into a care home or he’s developing dementia or both.

Yes. My father (with dementia) imagined my mother conspired to take his driving license away.

The fact DF is linking it to care homes is an indication of where this paranoid imagining comes from.

The original will they made together, a mirror will, and chose one of his children (me) and one of her children (not the particular SD). That will is now lost and his wife wants to make a new one, with her as sole executor. My DF is worried that the SD is manipulating her mother because he doesn’t trust her.

The Alzheimer’s society have a useful page on delusions and paranoia in dementia.

it’s very common. Thinking that family are conspiring to put the person with dementia in a home is standard.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/stages-and-symptoms/delusions

I'm sorry to say that this sounds like paranoia and signs of dementia.

As the stepmother would probably be doing the day to day care should dad have a stroke, develops dementia or something she should have health POA. Your can have a clause saying that she has to answer any questions you and your siblings have regarding your dad's care if asked.
Financial POA could be shared but as your dad has been married to her for decades she would have say in all marital property anyway.

Just suggest naming a solicitor as executor.

it’ll cost a few k but means no worries.

this does sound like dementia driven paranoia.

For those asking about my relationship with stepsister, it has mostly been fine but distant. I’ve never fallen out with her but have heard lots of stories from other members of the family about her fantasies ( mostly to do with health claims - she’s a bit of a munch bunch type, apparently).

She definitely likes attention and to paint herself as a victim, so if this was the other way around, she would have made it known by now for sure.

The problem with looking at the “statistical likelihood” of it being the other way around is that it doesn’t take into account the two specific personalities.

In my mind, it was either her trying to turn him into a meal ticket after her divorce or it is a figment of his elderly imagination based on a misunderstanding. He may have told me to get ahead of the story because he was worried, as some here are, that she will tell a different version in order to discredit him. I don’t entirely believe him but not because I think he abused her but because he might be mistaken. But the details he told about this one specific incident make it likely he is telling the truth,

Edit: skipped a couple of OP’s posts.

It’s perfectly fine to have multiple PoAs if he’s worried.

I would say nothing, but I would arrange with him that YOU, not his wife or step daughter, have a power of attorney and document his care wishes so that you can protect his interests and assets in according to what he states he would like, while he is mentally competent. You can take him out ‘for lunch’, but take him to a solicitor in stead so that it is completely private and legally set up. Sort out his will to ensure the step daughter gets nothing etc.

Your SM should be executor unless they have separate assets. I am recently widowed and am the executor of my husband's will, and sole beneficiary. Mirror will. Children have nothing to do with it at all as none of their business. Only discussion has been on appointing one as my executor.

She’s a bit of a fantasist

How convenient for anyone who wants to abuse her.

I would talk to her about what he has said. “In confidence’ doesn’t really apply there as surely if it is true, she is aware of it. I certainly wouldn’t be basing my opinion solely on how she is viewed generally.

Nooo don’t talk to her about any of this.

Just reassure DF that he can nominate who he likes as PoA.

You know the people involved.

he has confided in you about what was probably a very nasty situation -abusive - for him. It’s much harder for men to talk about these things partly because people disbelieve men.

I do agree things like power of attorney whilst he can will make things much easier. He may have to go into a care home at some point - many do - though so talk him about that also - how does he see his future as I guess his wife is getting old to

men do sometimes claim women came on to them - directly after an allegation has been made. Not years after the event when there has never been an allegation made

You know the people involved.

No one knows abusers except their victims, they keep that part of themselves well hidden, but as the OP says statistics don’t stand up to individual situations and I think as much as possible the OP is keeping an open mind which is wise.

Is it likely that the daughter wants to move with her mum?

If so why would they then need/want to move him out?

Why would his wife allow that?

He should see a solicitor and get his will sorted ASAP. If they own the house as tenants in common the house will automatically pass to wife and she will likely leave to her daughter not you. If they are joint tenants then they can each leave their half to whoever they wish.

Because in this situation there is a step-parent and step-child.

There have been instances of a step-parents taking all the assets and leaving them to their sole dc.

I would take him to see a solicitor privately and get his wishes documented properly.

It seems a bit convenient that an existing will cannot be found and a suggestion of a new one drawn up but with changes to the original one - red flag time.