I don’t understand people who play devils advocate

[supposesoso]

I've noticed lately that my boyfriend does this and it drives me insane. Last month, I had a problem with a colleague, and he acted the same way then. He doesn't know this person btw. It’s a bit like when people stay neutral during an argument. I would understand if they know both parties and don't want to upset anyone, but it seems odd to me if they don't. Why would they care about upsetting someone who they don’t know? I had a friend years ago who was exactly the same. Would anyone else find this annoying?

IME, the people who claim “devils advocate” are the kind of people who actually just want to teach someone a lesson. It’s never good advice, or a fair assessment of the situation. And it gets really boring when it’s someone’s default strategy in a conversation. Always testing you and trying to prove you wrong.

However, it is good to get different view points on things from people you trust to be honest and fair.

Well I guess it depends on the situation and context. Sometimes it's a genuine way to put across another view to see how someone responds to it, when you're actually genuinely discussing and exchanging ideas. Sometimes it's just a contrarian smartarse, sometimes it's a cover for what they really think but they don't want to stand by it.

And generally, if you just want to have a moan about your work day and nothing more productive than that, I think the best thing your partner can do is nod and agree that Mark in accounts is a right tosser. Although I have known people on here to claim they absolutely love "verbal sparring" with their partners and having all their ideas and beliefs questioned all the time by an advocate for the opposition. Maybe that is what they love from a life partner but they definitely didn't like it happening on here.

This.

Playing devil's advocate sometimes - potentially useful and balancing.

Doing it all the fucking time - exhausting and undermining. In a partner, I associate it with a fundamental lack of respect from them towards you. I've experienced it, and I'm definitely better off for not being around them any more. Fuck, I've had regulars who think it's fun to do it to me as a barmaid. They think they're all sophisticated, we all think they're just twats, and we are the only captive audience they can do it to because they're sad petty losers who don't have any friends. You can disagree intelligently and compassionately but yet again these men are excused from acquiring and using decent interpersonal skills. I have NO time for it.

Donald Trump could do with someone playing Devil's Advocate rather than just sycophantically agreeing with him.
It's important to hear other views, but arguing for argument's sake ? No thanks.

He is seeing things from both sides .. he doesn't have to agree with your version of events .
Do you want someone who constantly tells you your right or someone who has opinions of their own.

Lots of people playing devil's advocate on here. 🤣

I don't know your boyfriend's motivation but I know for sure when my sister does it it's because she wants to disagree with every bastard thing I say.

The truth isn't in the middle though. The truth isn't anywhere, there are just different viewpoints. Resolution and/or action might be somewhere in the middle, if anyone really needs to get there.

We’ll look at mn where so many people jump to the worst possible conclusions and condemn straight away. We’d all be nc with everyone wouldn’t we? Sometimes people say stupid things, or they make mistakes, it isn’t always that they’re out to get everybody!!

My sister does/did this to everything I said. (We don't talk anymore)

She's never liked me though and thinks of herself as better than me.

Well do you make it clear what your looking for in the conversation.....

Heads up this is a vent I just need to let it out....

And yes I would always try to think of different view points to a scenario, come up with possible things that hadn't been considered etc,

Just work out the communication style between you

My boss has been known to ask 'are you just venting or do you need me to help?' which I assume his wife has taught him but is a very useful phrase. We're scientists though and having your ideas challenged is standard practice.

I mainly present an opposite viewpoint when talking to my teenagers. They tend to be very black and white in their views and I'm constantly telling them nuance is important and we achieve nothing by telling people they are stupid and wrong.

I still want DH to be 100 % on my side when I want to complain about someone in the privacy of our house.

I often do this. I like to consider things in the round.

There are some situations where yes, there is an objective truth.

You are not wrong to expect sympathy and/or just a space where someone who cares about you listens without initial judgement OP.
We all want and need this; it helps us calm down and then be able to better reflect on the reality of the situation later.
It’s one of the first skills a counsellor learns for a reason, we can’t be objective if we are stuck with negative emotions.
Try to work out whether he can be a good listener or if he enjoys always putting you down.

When you learn debating you have to be able to debate both sides of a subject. Once you have learned this it's great fun and can be a bit difficult to stop. So I've been told by an ex of mine who was a very skilled debater ~ ngl, I certainly learned to hone my arguments but most of the time it just got on my shapely tits.

I know I drive my adult DCs mad doing this, but it comes from a good place. If someone has upset them and they’re ranting, I think it’s an important skill to take a step back and put yourself in the other person’s shoes, and hopefully see that it’s usually nothing personal. But some people enjoy feeling angry and victimised and can’t stand to have it pointed out that the idiot that cut you up at the roundabout didn’t get out of bed that morning with the intention of seeking you out and pissing you off. You were just collateral damage of their dickheadedness.

I can see both sides 😉.

Sometimes I do it to try to understand another’s viewpoint (I do it to myself too)! Understanding why is often more important to me than being right.
Sometimes I just accept it, especially if there’s a history of a particular type of behaviour.
Sometimes someone needs to get it out of them and it’s not helpful to talk about the other side.
Sometimes it’s just too WTF to look at the other side!

I’m noticing an increase of truly bizarre devil’s advocate behaviour on here lately. E.g. poster will say friend kicked my dog hard on purpose (I’m making this up as an example btw so not a TAAT). Up come a group of posters to say “sounds like you don’t like your friend very much”
”you might like dogs, but not everyone does”
”did you bother asking how your friend’s foot was”
”I don’t really understand the point of your post OP”
”Are you sure it was on purpose? Maybe she was just aiming to kick a speck of dust off table above the dog. Do you always find fault with people?”

I think it can sometimes be helpful. It can be useful to see the other point of view.

However if your boyfriend does this every time you mention anything, I would also find it annoying!