I don’t understand people who play devils advocate

[supposesoso]

I've noticed lately that my boyfriend does this and it drives me insane. Last month, I had a problem with a colleague, and he acted the same way then. He doesn't know this person btw. It’s a bit like when people stay neutral during an argument. I would understand if they know both parties and don't want to upset anyone, but it seems odd to me if they don't. Why would they care about upsetting someone who they don’t know? I had a friend years ago who was exactly the same. Would anyone else find this annoying?

I personally dislike people playing devil's advocate.
If they want to put another point of view why not just do that ? Why not say " maybe it's ..' or whatever.
I don't have the energy to engage in role playing games.

It depends why you’re raising an issue. Most people will lay out a problem to someone else to ask for help solving it, in which case it’s perfectly reasonable for the other person to try to look at it from another POV, and that’s all playing devil’s advocate is. So if you’re genuinely looking for a solution, it’s a good way to work it out and you should welcome it.

However, if all you want to do is let off steam and have a rant, that’s fine, but unless you tell the other person this pertinent fact, they are likely to want to help you solve the issue. When I just want a rant and definitely don’t want any of the helpful suggestions DH will surely otherwise make, I tell him clearly that I’m not looking for help, I’m just letting it out. And he’ll then tell me how awful it is/they are and just listen. Communication works!

But that’s literally what ‘playing devil’s advocate’ means! What did you think it meant?

I have a friend who plays devil's advocate and she is very augmentative and aggressive in the way she presents another side , she literally adopts the persona of the other person.
It drives me nuts.
Lucky you if your experience is a reasoned " yes but ..' etc

Has she though? Because playing devils advocate here, I’d say her comment about remaining neutral can be interpreted two ways, depending on how you look at it! Because Op has used full stops and not commas her ‘it’s a bit like when people stay neutral during an argument’ could go with her thought process before, or her thought process after. We might agree that ‘It’s a bit like when people stay neutral during an argument’ isn’t a particularly well written sentence, as it leaves one to wonder ‘what, is a bit like when people stay neutral during an argument?’
And now there will be a divide between those who agree with me (although no one likes a pendant so err possibly not), and those who agree with you! And then super clever people who’ll find another angle. If nothing else OP has got a great debate going…’oh no she hasn’t’!

Playing devils advocate means trying to present other ways of thinking about something and ca be a useful way to find solutions to problems or identify where you may be wrong in some way

some people dislike problem venting and want to focus on solutions. I find people venting and not interested in solutions very boring and annoying - why the hec don’t people want to make things better ? Horrible personality trait

it may also be that he often thinks you are OTT but doesn’t want to upset you by saying so directly

either way - you don’t seem completely compatible

You are majorly lacking in self awareness and critical thinking if you can’t at least consider things from all angles. Doesn’t mean you might not be in the right about certain things but I think it takes a very mature, non ego centric person to be able to consider all options.

I love a good debate. It's not about which side is right or wrong, it's about the argument. In most debates it's possible to see right (and wrong) in both sides. I don't think that's a bad thing?

Is it not less understandable that you just wish an echo chamber and him to agree with you and not look at the other side? Just listen nod and say poor you.sort of thing?

I had an ex like this once. Whenever I outlined some kind of problem or bad situation I was upset about, he'd say, "Well why don't you just ..." After that, in his eyes, I didn't need to be upset any more. And it would turn into an argument about why I was still upset.

Exhausting.

Indeed. If your position is basically sound then somebody playing devil's advocate won't matter and will if anything highlight the strength of your position. If it causes your position to crumble then better that than proceeding under a misapprehension.

As a junior lawyer dealing with disputes it was literally my job to test my clients' argument before embarking on costly litigation. It was very much for their benefit that any deficiencies in their position were identified as early as possible. But now and again we would get a client who would complain that by doing this 'we were taking the other side', and thought that they were paying us to simply agree with them and to just parrot their own half-arsed arguments but on letterheaded paper. We always, always got a decent payment on account from such types as when the inevitable happened and the dispute didn't go the way they wanted (but exactly the way we said it would), surprise surprise they didn't fancy paying their bill. Dickheads.

But that is playing devils’ advocate 😬

You want someone who says "yes dear" in every situation?

Tbh whenever I’ve had discussions with someone ‘just playing devils advocate’ I’ve very much got the impression that that was their genuine opinion, they just didn’t have the guts to admit it.

I get it, op. You should be able to have a moan about something or someone without your perceptions and reactions being forensically taken apart. There is obviously a place for challenging and putting alternative explanations, but when your partner does this all the time it feels like they don’t support you, don’t believe you and will automatically side with anyone that isn’t you. There is a critical difference between gently putting an alternative and always assuming the opposing position.

I went through a very bad phase of this with an ex and it was symptomatic of a general lack of support. At the same time I had a friend whose husband uncritically agreed with and indulged everything she said (and she was someone who could be extreme and even delusional). I remember thinking - and still do - that there must be a balance.

That’s not devil’s advocate though. Devil’s advocate is playing the other side in the argument (like, suggesting that maybe the abusive partner is withholding money because poster has a gambling addiction), not picking grammar and drip feeds.

I’d much rather someone play devil’s advocate if I feel emotional about a situation though, it’s easy to get sucked up in your own feelings and dismiss other points of view when you have an emotional response to a situation, and I find it helpful to have someone help me frame it differently and challenge my perspective rather than feed into a pity party by whole heartedly agreeing with me all the time.

Don't you ever play a form of devil's advocate to yourself? Where you try to imagine what the other perspective could be and their arguments. I do this all the time. Sometimes I actively choose to read opinion pieces in newspapers that I know I will disagree with just to test my views and check that I have considered all angles and arguments.

I find it helpful when someone plays devil's advocate with me. Sometimes it helps to move my opinion or strengthen my argument I don't assume that they secretly agree with this opposing view. It's just as likely that someone nodding and agreeing with you disagrees.

I'm another one who does it too and can't help it. Sometimes I can KNOW that someone else is in the wrong but it's like I'm compelled to try to understand why they might think or behave that way, so I try to put myself in their place a bit and explain a possible alternative perspective.

I'm sure it is very annoying for the person who just wants to be agreed with, but there nearly always are two sides to a story (with the truth lying somewhere in the middle).

Tell your partner you're just wanting someone to listen not give advice.

I inferred from the context in which the “neutral” sentence was put that the OP similarly objected to that behaviour.

Either way, whilst I agree it would be tiresome if one’s life partner always took an opposing view, I don’t think there is anything inherently objectionable in considering other sides to an argument. Perhaps it comes down to that thing of asking “do you want me to provide a solution to this problem or do you just want me to listen?”. Or alternatively, the person with the gripe could say “I’m going to tell you about this thing that’s annoying me and I just want you to listen.”

Absolutely promise I wouldn't play devil's advocate with regards to your sea bass 😂 (Although I would choose the veggie option.)

It's very clear from this thread that there are several posters who don't actually know what playing devil's advocate actually means.

I'm another person who tries to see issues from both sides. Even when I'm the one who's been hurt or aggrieved.

On occasions I do recognise that the person talking to me just wants to vent, though. And though my mind might be screaming "yes, but can't you see that...?" I realise that voicing it isn't going to end well.

I do it a lot, can't seem to help myself. Sometimes it causes me trouble, because I might be putting the other view point whilst not actually agreeing with it but people then think it's my opinion when it isn't.

My adult DS has turned out like me in that regard and yes it's bloody annoying now the tables have turned on me 😂So in recent years I have tried to do it a lot less unless I think it will genuinely help the person. Keeping my mouth shut is something I actively have to force myself to do though.

In my experience, men that do this aren't doing it to be objective. They are overtly critical in general or enjoy subtly / non subtly putting their woman down. I was married to one and had a LTR with another.

Not saying I'm perfect. But I'm not always wrong either.

LOL