I don’t understand people who play devils advocate

[supposesoso]

I've noticed lately that my boyfriend does this and it drives me insane. Last month, I had a problem with a colleague, and he acted the same way then. He doesn't know this person btw. It’s a bit like when people stay neutral during an argument. I would understand if they know both parties and don't want to upset anyone, but it seems odd to me if they don't. Why would they care about upsetting someone who they don’t know? I had a friend years ago who was exactly the same. Would anyone else find this annoying?

Perhaps he is trying to help you see both sides of the argument.

Maybe he thinks you are wrong and is hoping to make you realise it so you don't damage a work relationship.

Or do you just want your boyfriend to agree with you all the time, even if he thinks you are talking rubbish?

How often is this happening, @supposesoso ? Surely it can only be very infrequent?

My Mum does this too - part of problem-solvimg mode. We have spoken sbout it quite a lot and our way forward was for me to be clear about what I want, e.g. I have had a really shitty day at work and I just need a hug/want to vent or asking for help understanding an incident/planning what to do next.

Usually the ones like OP who hate someone playing devils advocate or analysing their arguments are people who have limited critical thinking ability themselves, who can’t argue their case effectively without getting emotional and defensive, and low emotional intelligence. Critical thinking and debate should be key elements of the curriculum
at school and woven into every lesson.

Me and dh and family are like this because there's always 2 sides to a story, we don't take any part until the full story is heard or it's blown over and forgotten about. Nothing worse than taking a stand and finding out it was totally wrong...Funny enough it was a situation where someone told us his wife was cheating and 24 hours later the town was talking about it all over have you heard anyhow 2 months later it turned out it was the husband and he left for a younger model..he was trying to blacken now ex wife first...but the humiliation he caused as did all the ones who took his side etc the poor wife was devastated and quite frankly showed me even more doesn't matter who your with or who you know it's not right to take a stand immediately

I think there are 2 types if people who do this. One are those who appreciate a logical discussion and want to properly assess from all angles.
The others just love the drama and a good row.

My mum does this and it’s different to someone just outlining a different point of view - which tends to be done neutrally. She will relentlessly press the other sides perspective even going as far as making huge (often incorrect assumptions) or facts up. It’s hard to articulate the difference but I think the main thing is it comes across as a desire to win an argument rather than to support the other person or genuinely help them see a different perspective.

It's impossible to say if he's being unreasonable. Having someone suggest another way of looking at a problem or issue can be helpful. But if he's just causing drama and doesn't have ANY empathy for your thoughts and feelings, then yanbu.

I’m not going to take a persons side by default and just agree with them.

Sometimes getting the other side of the story isn’t going to happen, which works for me, as I can’t be arsed with other people’s drama.

If you are happy to just agree with people and never give an alternative interpretation or a different opinion that is fine and just how you are. Or are you always right and therefore there is nothing to discuss. I would have thought to most people things are not just black and white there are usually huge shades of grey and room to discuss. If you want a yes man you've got the wrong man!

I have always been told that one of my great traits is that I’m able to see situations from different angles.

I think it’s unhealthy and narrow minded to go through life thinking you’re always right and seeing things with tunnel vision.

My husband has also said how I’ve changed his mindset for good with my way of thinking. Even down to road rage, I will remind him when he’s getting frustrated with a driver that that person may have just been given awful news and is driving home in shock or that they have a new baby in the car and they’re very nervous.

We all need to be kinder and more aware that everyone is going through their own shit and this can affect the way they act and behave, even if they don’t realise.

Because critical thinking is useful.

I occasionally do this as quite often there’s two sides to every story and will reserve judgement.

Because I think that understanding someone else's point of view / motivation is useful for resolving disagreements.

At work we do this all the time to seek to understand the other person's narrative is - what does it look like from their perspective, what does that mean for our thinking, does that change the way we approach something or do we remain satisfied with the position we're taking. I think it can also support you to consider someone elses position in terms of having empathy/compassion for their choices.

However of course its not always appropriate, it sounds to me like what you needed at the time was just some support rather than for your other half to help you work through the situation. Sometimes it can help to say to someone I'm not looking for you to help me fix this situation I just need you to listen and support me.

Same here. I have a really strong sense of justice and that includes needing to understand both sides and not just blindly agreeing with someone just because they happen to be someone I care about.

Over the years I have learned to keep quiet in certain situations because I don’t want to cause upset or an argument but in my head I’m still constantly thinking “but what if” 🫣

Where has OP said she doesn’t like it when people remain neutral? She said she could understand if her boyfriend knew the person, was their friend and wanted to remain neutral.
Aren’t partners generally meant to support each other? So if op has had a crappy day and felt Nelly was being an arse, isn’t it okay to off load on your partner and say ‘Nelly kept pinching my digestive biscuits at work today, it’s really pissed me off, I wouldn’t mind so much if she at least chipped in to the communal pot, but it’s always Sophie, Greg and me who put money in the pot for milk, tea and coffee, honestly she’s as tight as a badgers arse that one” and what OP is looking for is “that would annoy me too, I know I’ll get you a food safe for your birthday, then no fucker can steal your digestives!”.
What OP isn’t looking for is “maybe Nelly can’t afford it this month”. Or “poor Nelly, do you always have to be so down on her?” Or “maybe you should just offer Nelly a biscuit then she wouldn’t steal it, and the office would be a nicer environment”.
its about supporting and listening to your friend / partner / spouse.
You don’t have to blindly agree with someone, but part of the skill of being a good communicator is knowing when you can put the other side of an argument, and when you need to give support. If your partner can’t be supportive it’s going to be a long and unhappy relationship.
friendships / partnerships are generally about being supportive and most strong friendships/ romantic partnerships form due to similar opinions and attitudes. That’s not the same as not being able to have a good old debate with your mates, but there is a reason why politics and religion shouldn’t be brought to the dining table!!
some people are just contrary and it can be exhausting, a most disagreeable learnt behaviour.

You don’t want him to express an opposing point of view and you don’t want him to remain neutral and not “take a side”? So basically you only want your boyfriend to agree with you?

Well that is utterly unreasonable

She objected to people remaining neutral in the OP.

I agree.
If I wanted that from a partner or friend I would ask but those people who always take this approach unasked are just annoying and likely to find themselves minus a friend.

Trying to see both sides of any given situation is a normal human response. Totally out of fashion now of course.

Because people relay a conversation without thinking of all the different points of view or taking into account their own behaviour and prejudices. Or (and this is the main one) they treat it as an isolated incident without looking at the bigger picture. Also, if you frame something as "what if...?" It gets them thinking as opposed to just defensive if you tell them they are wrong!

I find it concerning that some people do not understand the value of playing the devil's advocate.

I do it all the time, particularly with my daughter. I’m far from gutless. It is a good way to have others see what an opposing view might be, to test the strength of the opinion. I like it when others do it for me.

Yes, I get it OP. Some people are just natural contrarians who gravitate towards the opposing viewpoint in any given situation.

They can dress it up as "critical thinking" or "independent perspective", but I think often this is deluded.

It's actually a kind of Emperor's New Clothes syndrome, where they want to be the one who cuts through the BS and sees the truth and has the courage to say it out loud, and then everyone claps and cheers.