I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

[imsoverytired82]

I’ve just completely lost it with my 11 year old daughter

I’ve been so stressed this week. I’ve got issues at work and I haven’t slept

my daughter has been nagging all week about her world book day outfit. She’s asked so many times despite me telling her I’d ordered it. It arrived today and she’s still asking for more for it even though I’d said to her I can’t afford any more. Now she’s onto football boots (she’s had 1 session) and keeps asking. She is autistic so deep down I know she can’t help it. once she gets what she wants she’s onto the next thing.

its 11 and I finally got into bed and went into a deep sleep.My first in ages. She’s shouting my name lying in bed saying I need to take her to buy boots.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something.

im so sick because she doesn’t care about anything other than ‘getting’.

Tho sis. It about an owls boom day costume and a pair of boots. It’s constant. They are today’s examples. She is vile. To all of us, constantly.

we have no support. Nothing. Professional help? Yes please. Unless I pay for it and I can’t as I’m still paying her diagnosis off.

I do love her but I find her exhausting and I am totally exhausted.

My autistic relative is very focused on money and stuff. His joy really does come from having the trinkets he likes that fit with his interests, not unusual in my experience.

We find that clear boundaries and expectations around when we can discuss getting things work.

E. G Let’s have a look online for X but we can’t talk about Y until next week. If he comes to me too early in the morning or at night, it’s a reminder that now is not the time and can he write it down or text me/ send a voice note (he’s usually on to the next thing my the morning any way). Also changing the subject to something else might work for a while, putting a film in that interest him etc.

Strict boundaries about money too. He is older so he has a set amount he is sent everyday. If he wants something on top then there is a clear explanation that if he gets that then he won’t be able to have x money.

Also have to mange him selling/ donating older items if he wants new ones or wants to add to his collection as he would hoard.

Lots of reminders to be polite and say please/ thank you for things.

I wish she thought that when she’s throwing chairs in her bedroom, drawing on walls, trashing rooms

I think try to change her focus from getting stuff to doing stuff that requires not getting anything, so I used to be hyper focused on eg drawing and would work on that. Or books hence I worked my way through the library! It doesn’t require buying anything. Her brain is just moving through a checklist so you have to change the checklist!

I think a huge thing is how stressed you are, is the work situation ongoing or just this week? Is it work or childcare related? Look at that.

I don’t think She’s that. She drives me crazy but she’s not that

I am just very very tired. Sick of life.

im clearly autistic too. She’s got it from me.

Give her an allowance. Tell her you will no longer be buying her anything; you will give her the allowance you can afford give her and she can spend it on what she wants. Yes, she will certainly blow through the first installments and nag you unremittingly for special treats, but if you hold firm, her rampant materialism will hopefully die down. Spending money on stuff feels very different when it's your own. She sounds like the kind of person who could easily run up unmanageable debts once she has her own credit card, so you need to start teaching her the value of money now.

She tries to do jobs for money. But the. Doesn’t do the job and loses it when I won’t pay her. Or does something I don’t need doing and demands money for it.

Also op in Ireland we have triple p parenting classes that are great at reminding you of both their and your mindset. Do you have similar near you? Community based so free as far as I remember (haven’t been in a while)

Have a look at the entitlement trap. It’s a bit American in parts but some of that might help you both.
in fact it might be good for her to read it too.

I’m an old grandmother and life just seems intolerable for parents today. I really don’t know how people cope with their children with autism etc. There seems to be so many parents going through absolute hell dealing with their children who are doing their best and getting criticised for being human. It really didn’t happen in previous years to this extent. There is a suggestion of over diagnosis and I wonder does this lead to increased tolerance of what is bad behaviour or the number of children with diagnoses means there is simply not enough support to go round now. I simply don’t know but your life and those of other posters seems absolutely heartbreaking and intolerable when you consider how excited you all were when you had your babies.
OP I hope some of the helpful suggestions here work for you and you ignore the negative ones as you and your husband seems to be doing everything you can and making a superhuman effort. One poster mentioned that everything eventually passes and maybe you can take some comfort from that.

My son has adhd with autistic traits and this behaviour feels familiar.

I think that the reason that she is constantly asking is because she’s struggling to deal with the uncertainty of whether she will get it / when it will arrive / is she allowed it because you aren’t saying a clear yes or no. It seems like she only stops asking for a thing either when it arrives or when you make it explicitly clear that she isn’t getting it.

So, I would change the approach to something much clearer.

One option could be that the first time she asks for something that you make a decision at that point between yes (and you order it then and there) and no (and every time she asks you say I’ve told you no, we can’t buy this). Each time she asks for something you’ve said no to you explicitly say “you are being rude asking me about this again, I have already said no to it”.

I also like the whiteboard idea and by each request I would put either yes, no or we will order on x date and then ask her to look at the board each time she nags.

It sounds really hard and you definitely need some sleep, it sounds like you're at the end of your tether and all empathy for your daughter has gone.

I have an autistic child and am autistic myself so I do get it. Have you tried to understand the behaviour? I know when hyperfixation sets in for me I'm often feeling anxious.

What does she enjoy aside from spending? Is there anything she can do that could take her mind off it all for a bit. Something fun, something that will take up headspace in a positive way.

Has someone mentioned her football boots or made fun of them or maybe she's noticed they're different from everyone else's in some way?

My point is trying to understand the behaviour. Is she really worried about not getting her hair right on world book day? Non-uniform days throw my DC into a huge spin because it's less clear what the "right" thing to do is and it can become very important for them to get it right.

If you do think it's a spending fixation of some sort I would just go with £x pocket money a week, set her up with a child friendly bank account and debit card that you have full view of and control over and let her learn to manage it herself. Be firm with £x per week, no loans or advances.

I like PPs suggestion of the 3 post it notes. I do think you're going to have to find coping strategies and ways to manage this that supports her needs whislt maintaining your sanity and that will take some intention.

Is she getting therapy? It has been really helpful for my DC in understanding what's going on and helping them find ways to regulate. DCs therapist shares little tips and strategies with us too (with DCs consent).

At 11 is she still in primary school? If so can you speak to the family support worker or sendco. It sounds like she is masking in school and then this makes it worse when she is at home. The family support worker can help you by getting in touch with other groups or parenting courses so you feel less alone and often these courses might offer advice.

I think there are already some good ideas to use. As people suggest, can you give her the money for things she wants to buy so she has control over the money and her budget? Maybe £10 a week? If she spends the £10 immediately then she is unlikely to be able to buy the boots, but if she can see (on a calendar) that after a few weeks she will have more money that she can afford them then she can save.

I wouldn't give expectations of jobs for earning the money. This is her allowance and how she spends it is up to her.

I also think creating a wish list is a good idea where she can write down the things she wants.
From the two examples you have given though I think these are linked to her anxiety. She knows world book day is coming up and is worried she doesn't have a costume yet. At football even though she did one session they might have been told she needs boots to play.
The only way you can manage these expectations is to explain when you will sort these things. I agree with marking on the calendar when they can be done e.g. Sunday - go to the shops to buy boots and costume.

I think you need to look at whether the things she is asking for are normal kids wanting anything and everything (which is where she can use her own spending money) or if there is a reason for her asking lots due to anxiety (such as worries of not having the right thing).

Does she generally get the stuff she wants in the end? You've mentioned a couple of times that you can't afford something or you've told her she can't have it. Does she just keep going on until she gets it? If so, she's being rewarded for her nagging. If you don't give in, does she stop (until the next thing crops up)? It sounds awful and exhausting. I just wondered if you could try being tougher - like never buying anything she's asked more than, say, 3 times. (Easier said than done, I know.)

I agree with this.

There's a difference between want and need. I would be anxious too, if I wasn't sure the things I needed would be provided on time.

But we can't always get what we want, and learning that some wants will go unmet is a good lesson.

I’m autistic and if I’d have behaved like that as a child I’d have had a bollocking off my parents.

High functioning autistic kids still need telling off when required.

Is it time for her to earn some pocket money? I used to have a ‘contract’ for what mum would buy vs what I was responsible for.

Don’t feel bullied into buying unessessary things just because she’s nagging/ stamping her feet. Buying anything for things like world book day is usually a flat no from me (and we’re fairly well off) They have to rummage in the house and use their imagination to pull something together (and usually look fab).

I know that this might not apply to all tje ‘stuff’ but it struck me that the two examples of the World Book Day outfit and the football boots in your post are things that she would feel she ‘needs’ not just wants and that they are connected to events that are anxiety inducing.

My NT DC got very anxious about world book day. My boy would want to avoid it altogether and my daughter would want her outfit to be perfect because it was a lot of pressure to fit in and ‘get it right’ just enough effort but not too much, a character that was cool etc

Starting a new hobby like football can be anxiety inducing too and I expect they have been told that if they want to continue they ‘need’ boots.

So these two examples I think she is asking for the stuff because she is trying to fix her anxiety and maybe naming it ‘I can see you are worried about WBD’ might help. I would also go with writing it down and then saying ‘we talked about this already, read your note’ ‘what else would help you feel less anxious?’

Other times it might be for other reasons but these ones do seem like trying to control anxiety.

Op I was going to ask you if you’re also autistic by any chance and then you wrote you are. Which help have you gotten /are you getting for your own autism? Do you recognise that your family situation is making your anxiety sky rocket?
Also, which help have you gotten as the parent of an autistic kid? From your posts it is clear to be that you need to learn how to communicate clearly and set boundaries in such a way that they are clear for your daughter. Asking her to please stop might not be clear communication to her, as “please stop” could be translated in her brain to “so it’s actually up to me what to do”. Screaming in her face is also not clear communication. Nor is pushing her out the door. That behaviour is kind of similair to her shouting for football boots when you’re asleep. You both over push boundaries.

Also, which help has your daughter gotten?
You both need to learn coping strategies. I’m not sure if that’s the right term, but you both need to gain insight into which behaviours are not ok socially.

Also, which help has your husband gotten? He has an autistic wife and an autistic daughter. He needs to learn how to communicate effectively with both of them.

getting help for all of you should really be priority #1
That means you and your husband need help in how to partner an autistic child, and your daughter and you need help to learn how to cope with having autism and learn strategies to deal with it.

My son was like this for a while, although not autistic. We give him an allowance, regardless of jobs, and made a list of what we were willing to pay for each month- 1 hair cut a month (he was obsessed with getting his hair cut every week) so if he wanted more he needed to budget for that, one pair of football boots a season (unless he’d clearly grown, but not just because he fancied a new pair), his phone contract, but if he wanted fortnite money that was on him etc….It worked really well, and he stopped asking constantly for things, learnt how to budget and now saves up if he wants something. I’m not sure if this would work for your daughter (my eldest is autistic so I understand what works for a neurotypical child doesn’t always translate) but it might be worth a go. It was exhausting when my son went through this, and I stopped taking him places because the relentless asking was too much, but we recently had a trip into town and it was a joy. I hope things get better for you, none of it’s easy!

My son does it too, it's dopamine seeking, I just keep saying no, calmly explaining why and offering distraction like I would a younger child. So he improves in every way after vigorous exercise so a long bike ride, trampoline park even a long dog walk helps. Also he always has special interests and asking for stuff related to those is part of it and showing interest in and getting him talking about his special interest can scratch that itch a bit too. He's 8 so gets pocket money of the same number of pounds as his age in years (he gets £8 a week sister gets £4 a week) and can spend it or save it. He is allowed to use some of it once a month for online gaming thing and is very good at choosing 1 thing while before he constantly wanted ridiculous worthless computer game things but knowing he can spend £4 a month keeps this at bay mostly.

I wonder if you're triggered because you grew up like me, poor and made to feel bad if you ever asked for anything. Given warnings going I to shops not to ask for anything and if you ever did getting in trouble for it. It's not a nice way to grow up and leads to you feeling like when your child asks for things they're being selfish and grabby because you were made to feel like that.

She almost definitely doesn't not care about anyone, she's just autistic so processes differently and I imagine you're so frustrated you can't see the wood from the trees. I've had the being woken from sleep by being screamed at about some nonsensical thing and it turns me into a raging shouting version of myself, that feeling like you e been dragged by the stomach to the depths of hell. Eurgh. All my sympathy.
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It's not a moral failing that she wants stuff, find other ways to feed into and show and interest in her special interests, I really think it'll help. And can you get more time for yourself too? Because if you're like me you'll also feel bad for time to yourself too because you've been taught rest and leisure aren't worthwhile but you will feel so much better after some time to yourself. Even just an hour reading a book alone in a coffee shop is so restorative.

Good luck

Honestly I don't blame you for yelling.
Set a small budget per month for football boots, Amazon stuff, world book day outfits, and anything other than basic food, uniform and basic clothes. If she wants stuff it comes off her allowance, written in a book, so she can see as the money goes down. She needs to save some of her budget for emergencies and holiday time like the rest of us. No budget left = no stuff.
If she moans or asks for extra there's a fine of £1 each time, after one warning. She will probably shout more but she will learn quickly. She learnt if she moans she gets what she wants so you'll have to undo that learning.
In time you could say if she's not badgered you at the end of the week you'll add £2 to her holiday money, or if she manages to save for than £x then you'll add extra to the holiday budget. This can be for days out or school holidays not just weeks away.
Consistency is key here, never give in even if you want to or she will never be able to manage money and you'll be stuck with this behaviour for life. If you say no, you mean no. The whole family need to stick with this plan, grandparents included.
Good luck 🤞

autism can present with other things too - I am wondering if she also has ocd.

i suggest you find out about strategies you can use to help your daughter. The way you talk about her and say she doesn’t care for anyone is awful and I understand you are frustrated and tired but you need to understand how her autistic brain is working. She wants control and having these things will be helping her in some way. AutismUK should be a good place to start. Dragging her out her bed and saying nasty things to her is abuse

What you did was understandable given the circumstances, but it was abusive. It’s really positive that when others on here have normalised or minimised your behaviour you have owned it and stayed accountable for it.

When a parent dysregulates, uses physical force and engages in verbal abuse, that is abusive. It doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad parent, but it’s definitely a sign you need some help as a family. Your body is showing you that something needs to change. Her behaviour is showing you something needs to change. Your dysregulation shows you something needs to change.

In your shoes I would contact Social Services and ask for support.

In the meantime try and get some help so you can have a break. When you know you won’t be triggered to get angry again, repair the relationship and model what to do when we mess up.

“I am so sorry that I got angry, pulled you out of bed and shouted mean things. That must have been scary (it will have been regardless of her outward appearance) and I shouldn’t have done that. If you want to tell me how it felt I will listen. I love you and the things I said were not true and were unkind. I love that you [think of her best qualities or behaviours]. I am going to get some help so that I can try my hardest to not lose my temper and scare and hurt you again.‘

Then at a different time so that you don’t weaken the apology let her know that sleep is something that helps us all to stay calm and that after a certain time at night we don’t shout or make a lot noise unless someone is in danger. Explain that if she really needs to communicate something she can write it down and you will spend five minutes in the morning reading it. Have a sheet of paper on her wall that says ‘No shouting or big noises after 10.00pm so that we can all sleep’ and make sure she can see a clock. Give her something to write on next to her bed (paper is better than a screen) and let her know to write anything down and you’ll read it in the morning. Then make sure you do.

Good luck OP. You recognise this isn’t ok and that’s amazing. First step towards change.