I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

[imsoverytired82]

I’ve just completely lost it with my 11 year old daughter

I’ve been so stressed this week. I’ve got issues at work and I haven’t slept

my daughter has been nagging all week about her world book day outfit. She’s asked so many times despite me telling her I’d ordered it. It arrived today and she’s still asking for more for it even though I’d said to her I can’t afford any more. Now she’s onto football boots (she’s had 1 session) and keeps asking. She is autistic so deep down I know she can’t help it. once she gets what she wants she’s onto the next thing.

its 11 and I finally got into bed and went into a deep sleep.My first in ages. She’s shouting my name lying in bed saying I need to take her to buy boots.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something.

im so sick because she doesn’t care about anything other than ‘getting’.

She’s approached multiple agencies; they won’t help.

She has only approached for help to 'fix' her child, not to ask for strategies for herself. OP had never even heard of the National Autistic Society. How is that possible?

Just google 'how can I help my autistic child' and there is plenty of information. It's clear that OP hasn't even done that.

There are so many resources online, charities and groups that can offer advice. OP hasn't accessed any of that to help herself or her daughter. All she does is blame the child and expect the child to change which, of course, the child cannot do. OP is asking the impossible of her child and then punishing her when she can't do it.

Well she now knows about the National Autistic Society so her engaging on this site may prove worthwhile and was probably why she did so. You don’t know she didn’t google endlessly before and decided the organisations would not be helpful or maybe thought approaching official authorities was the correct way to go.
To be honest anyone brave enough to bear their souls on mumsnet to try and get help deserves a medal as you really open yourself up to a high level of criticism. OP has engaged very openly and honestly in an attempt to get help for her child and got a level of unhelpful abuse for doing so.
Also isn’t the whole point that the child needs to change for both her own sake and for the health of the family. It appears to me that she is seeking advice on how to change the child’s behaviour which is the only way the situation improves. This will mean giving OP strategies to achieve this and she is obviously desperately trying to adopt them but the goal is to change the child’s behaviour as this is the core problem.

The NAS is shit anyway.

@imsoverytired82 Noone who hasn't had the exhausting experience of living with an autistic child can understand how you can get to the point that you just want the world to stop. When it was really bad with my DS16 some years ago I was thinking about suicide every single day because it was so unbearable to see him unravelling, not being able to help, not having sufficient help from health providers and the pure exhaustion of dealing with him on a day to day basis while trying to protect his younger brother and getting DH out of the way because he just made everything worse by not understanding that his behaviour was not deliberate or controlled at all. Sending love 🩷

Except it's not the same situation at all.
It's not a pattern of abuse where a child is being blamed and an adult isn't taking responsibility.
It's a family struggling and being turned down for support and the mum has had a meltdown.
You don't choose meltdowns.

Oh right. She should have just googled how to help my autistic child. Gotcha.

If it didn’t happen (the behaviours) every night and I didn’t 99.9% of the time, deal with it reasonably well I’d agree it was abuse.

Weve had screaming (like she’s being murdered) over a world book day costume which she’s now ruined in secret because she wouldn’t listen and now has nothing to wear. We’ve had trainers thrown at windows and she’s drawn on furniture.

The last decade has been pretty hard. Even at times my own personal care has been impacted because she’s so full on.

If he'd taken himself off into the spare room, exhausted and overwhelmed, and she'd followed him there and then shouted in his ear repeatedly when he was in a deep sleep then I'd have every sympathy for him.

Oh and told me to fuck off for trying to help her with her homework or tell n. Her pasta was for dinner. It’s relentless.

I’m sorry to hear that. It’s exhausting and all consuming. It’s no life for anyone. I feel for my other dd the most.

What's owls boom day?

Surely anyone with common sense can tell she meant world book day and predictive text messed it up 🤦‍♀️

She told you to fuck off... right...

Obviously

Of course it's not great that you lost your temper but you're only human. It might have been a blessing in disguise if it gives you both a chance to reflect and reset. Try sitting down with her and apologising for how you acted, but not apologising for how you felt. Explain why it happened. Then work with her to lay down some autism appropriate house rules that are really, really clear and detailed with direct consequences like no waking Mum except in an emergency! No screen time if she wakes you or something similar. No asking for purchases if you've been told no. No bothering Mum on the toilet. Have a budget for how much you will spend on things for her and show her how much she's got left each month. Explain that if you buy boots you might not be able to pay for the internet so there'll be no wifi (or no food or whatever would be most important to her). Get her to work with you on the rules. Feel empowered to tell her in adavance how to behave and how to treat you; she can follow rules and show you consideration even if she's a child and even if she's autistic. You'll be helping her have better relationships in the future.

You need to medicate her. You shouldn’t have to put up with this.

I’m a mother to a severely autistic child. I have noticed that some behaviours are very clearly OCD. I know this because I have OCD and am medicated. My OCD started when I was in primary school. By the time I was in highschool it was severe.

Medication absolutely works. I still have rituals and weird behaviour but it seems more like a process rather than debilitating repetitive behaviours that severely impact my life.

After my son was diagnosed with severe autism I came across a mother and her adult son in the shops. Her son was obviously autistic. He would repeatedly ask for things over and over and get aggressive when his mother said no. He would scream and moan and shout. I just thought that I would not accept that life and would medicate my child if he behaved like that. I didn’t understand why the mother didn’t medicate him.

My child does ask for things and does get fixated on acquiring things. If I buy them for him he seems satisfied but rather quickly loses interest. I figure that it is his age but if the behaviour continues when he’s older then I will need to deal with it.

Her waking you up at 11pm is absolutely not on. I would have reacted similarly. People don’t understand the absolute trauma having a child with autism can be.

I disagree with the “shopping day” recommendation. I would put a stop to buying her anything and also do a massive clear out of her room - this is to stop the association of you being equated as the person who will buy her stuff.

There are pharmaceutical options for treating OCD. I also suggest something to put her to sleep at night.

The OP’s daughter is unlikely to “reflect”.

I would stop buying her anything but the non-essentials.

Vile comment. Most parents wouldn't be as nice as she's been, given she's dealing with.

You can have sympathy whilst acknowledging someone's behaviour is abusive.

You’ve never heard a child tell their parent to fuck off? You must live in a very “nice” sheltered area.

Thank you. I went to the gp hoping to get a referral to enable her to access medication however they gave me leaflets and a link.

She was up until midnight screaming about world book day and shouting that her foot hurted. I ended up having to try and get her into bed. Put her back in and then she’s waking me at 5am like nothings happened asking for me to do her hair.

Are you in England?

So not only does she want all this stuff , she will self sabotage when she has it. It sounds self destructive and may become self harm, if not already. Where does she get her ideas from, how does she know what is available to buy and does she have access to social media? What was your reaction to the damage and her ongoing demands for WBD?