I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

[imsoverytired82]

I’ve just completely lost it with my 11 year old daughter

I’ve been so stressed this week. I’ve got issues at work and I haven’t slept

my daughter has been nagging all week about her world book day outfit. She’s asked so many times despite me telling her I’d ordered it. It arrived today and she’s still asking for more for it even though I’d said to her I can’t afford any more. Now she’s onto football boots (she’s had 1 session) and keeps asking. She is autistic so deep down I know she can’t help it. once she gets what she wants she’s onto the next thing.

its 11 and I finally got into bed and went into a deep sleep.My first in ages. She’s shouting my name lying in bed saying I need to take her to buy boots.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something.

im so sick because she doesn’t care about anything other than ‘getting’.

All the stuff that she wants, is she searching for a dopamine hit. At the autism assessment did they think she may have ADHD too? I ask as my son is diagnosed with both and was very similar to this before he started ADHD medication.

We had a recent similar thing with my son starting tennis, obsessed with getting his own tennis racket. He gets upset with the demands of classes so they often don't last. So we said after 4 weeks he'll get his racket. He asks where and when, I told him I'd take him to decathlon after his gymnastics on the Wednesday and I kept repeating that, 'i know, I'm so excited for you to get your new racket, we have the money set aside and we'll go to decathlon on Weds after gymnastics and you can choose a racket' and I let him look at the selection online and researched racket types and sizes with him and discussed where he can practice later. He asked maybe 30 times in the week and I repeated the same answer. Specific plan and repeating definitely works for us. He still asks repetitively but at no point did I think oh I better get it now to stop the asking. Let him ask. He needs to ask, he's driven o in some way so I let him. If he demands or asks rudely I address that. If not I just repeat myself right back. He seems to find repetition comforting.

He may have a meltdown semi related to asking for things but really meltdowns are overwhelm, he may be screaming for a computer game but it's dysregulation really driving it and him looking for something to find a good feeling in all the bad. I don't really engage then I work on calming techniques instead and give minimal conversation.

Honestly realizing the asking isn't some indication he's selfish and grabby and I'm raising a spoilt brat really helped. He's allowed to ask, he's not allowed to always get.

Also my son can be a pain in backside, he can meltdown In public, he almost as tall as me and can physically hurt me when in a rage. But when regulated he's an absolute sweetheart, when his needs for social interaction, learning, physical outlet and sensory seeking are adequately met he's a loving and funny wee chap. I try to see him as a whole even when he's being at his most challenging.

She sounds really difficult OP, don't beat yourself up about snapping, you're only human. Why not try deciding on an amount of pocket money to give her weekly or monthly in return for some chores, and then she has to choose from that what she wants to buy, once it's gone it's gone and no more? she needs to learn money only goes so far and she can't just demand whatever she wants.

I can see her point of view. Not excusing the behaviour but I can see where it comes from.

She’s up to high doh. about a costume for a day that is a change in routine.

she’s started a new activity and she can’t really do it properly without boots and I’m sure the coaches will have told them to get boots.

I would get 2nd hand boots off vinted or wherever

I would also be absolutely consistent with her - yes or no or a set time to do something and no wavering. That’ll take time to work but it will.

Lack of social awareness of the timing/intensity of her demands and rudeness, lack of theory of mind as to the impact on you. Relationships being used quite functionally etc. Hyper fixation on the thing she needs/wants especially if it's something that is their current area of interest, being obsessive. The things she wants could be an element of collecting/systemising I suppose too.

and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her.

HOW have more people not marked you as unreasonable? You shouldn’t talk to another person like that, let alone your child!

I’m sure you are overwhelmed and I’m sorry to hear it. And you were initially regretful. But people are saying you did nothing wrong when you know you did!

I think you are likely in a state of ‘blocked care’ and I got ChatGpt to do a summary of this;

When you’re parenting an autistic child with very challenging behaviour, your body and brain can go into “survival mode” from the constant stress. Over time, this can make you feel emotionally shut down, numb, irritable, or less patient than you want to be.

It doesn’t mean you don’t love your child.
It means you’ve been under so much pressure for so long that your caring system is exhausted.

Blocked care is a stress response, not a character flaw. And with the right support, it can ease.

I was going to ask if you were also autistic. Do you have support for your autism? Could you get a diagnosis if you don't have one and maybe do some (over the phone if necessary) counselling?

My dh has ASD and so does at least one of our dcs. He has never dragged any of them out of bed but he does sometimes react in a way I never would and which looks like a massive overreaction, but it is because he is overstimulated. The difference is he has support from me and I don't know how supportive your dh sounds. I appreciate it's difficult for both of you though.

Obviously you know what you did is completely inappropriate. You cannot do that - I am being clear here as this is how I occasionally need to communicate with my dh. I hope it doesn't come across as harsh.

I'd stop buying her anything at all until she changes her ways.

Be compassionate with yourself. You were in a deep sleep and you were woken up in a very rough and frightening way. Your body will go into fight or flight mode and you will react to the adrenaline surge. Your daughter unfortunately took 'the hit ' for that.
Apologise this morning for how you reacted but explain that being woken from a deep sleep, particularly when you are very tired causes your body to react.
I don't know where to suggest getting some support, but it sounds like you desperately need it.

I’m autistic too, diagnosed a couple of years ago, plus dignaosed with ADHD early last year. I’ve been on meds since and it has changed my life not because I can now keep my house tidy or get tasks done at work easier. But because I can now deal with DD’s behaviour much calmer and rationally. I went through Right to choose for both my diagnosis so no cost.

There is very little external support for kids like ours. I’ve had to get therapy for myself, have worked a lot on my own issues and triggers, realising when I’m getting to the point of exploding and telling DD either she needs to leave me alone or I need to walk away and calm down.

I wear loop earplugs all the time when I’m at home with the kids so the noise doesn’t overstimulate me.

I’ve found that since regulating myself, DD is so much better too. Because we don’t just clash all the time and we’re finally having time together that’s nice and easy.

If you want to PM me I’m happy to talk. Sometimes just knowing that you’re not the only one going through this is helpful.

You know how you’re handling it is wrong, that’s why you’re posting here.

Not the "stuff" per se but repeatedly asking the same thing over and over yes. My DS16 is the same. When he hands me his phone over in the evening he will ask me 5 times if I have hidden it somewhere secure. Every single time. If we have said we will order pizza/go somewhere this week-end he will ask all week "Are we ordering pizza Saturday?". And this is about everything. Exhausting and sometimes we lose it because we are just human beings and it's every single bloody day. Will also lie in bed yelling until I come (which I have to because we have got neighbours to consider).

Now we don't tell him anything planned ahead because 1. He will keep asking about it. And 2. If it doesn't happen he will have a meltdown.

I know that he needs constant reassurance so that even if he knows something* *he needs to ask over and over to feel reassured. Doesn't mean it isn't bloody annoying and that I have to deep breathe in order not to lose it with him 😅

Where his different from your dd: he's extremely cautious about others spending money on him so if he wants something he will ask several times if we can afford it and he's very greatful and says thank you a million times. If I say we can't afford it he says OK immediately because he knows that's a red line and that won't change with him asking.

Maybe you could sit down with your dd and explain incomings and outgoings with her so that she understands that your funds aren't illimited? We have also been careful as to not "spoil" our kids. Not everything they want is given (even if we financially could) and they have to learn to either save pocket money/ask for bdays or christmas if they want something they don't "need". That doesn't mean we never treat them- it's just that we don't want entitled, spoilt kids.

Looking more widely, I think you also need to see that this asking for stuff is an anxiety response (seeking reassurance and attempting to asset control) and look for ways to reduce anxiety elsewhere in her life. World book day probably is a source of anxiety, so it's not surprising she asks about it lots.

You say earlier that the only way she stops is if you shout at her that she isn't going to get the thing and needs to stop asking. Can you say that without shouting? What happens if you say calmly, "we aren't going to buy x and you can't ask me about it anymore because that conversation has ended"? Of course, that's really blunt but if she doesn't get social cues, she might need that bluntness. Or she gets 5 minutes a day to talk about stuff she wants to buy?

You also sound a bit resistant to trying anything new, which I get, you're exhausted and you're autistic. But, being equally blunt, nothing changes unless you do something different.

@Barnbrack Honestly realizing the asking isn't some indication he's selfish and grabby and I'm raising a spoilt brat really helped. He's allowed to ask, he's not allowed to always get.

Excellent take on this and very smart what you did with the tennis racket.

OP, I hope you are feeling a bit better and were able to apologise.

You have received lots of suggestions about how to manage your DD, but very few about how to manage yourself.

it is clear that you are very triggered by a couple of things. 1. Her asking for material stuff. 2. It being ‘all about her and you disappearing’. These trigger you to the point of feeling hate towards your child and becoming abusive. Which is a disastrous road to go down. You obviously need to resteer from that very quickly.

You need to work out why these things trigger you, and deal with these emotions rather than shoving them onto your child. I don’t know you, but a few possibilities. 1. With asking for stuff you mentioned not being able to afford this. If you had tons of money, this behaviour might be irritating and you would think of strategies to teach her not to be so demanding, but I don’t think you would have such a strong reaction. I suggest you feel guilty and distressed that you can’t actually say yes. It makes you feel hopeless and powerless. That comes out as anger towards your daughter for wanting things. You need to deal with and release the guilt, so it is less triggering. 2. on the ‘it’s all about her, there is none of me left’ I’m wondering if this resonates with an experience in your childhood. Did you feel like that then?

don’t get me wrong. I fully acknowledge that what you are dealing with is very, very hard. But your best chance of relieving some of the tension is taking responsibility for your triggers so you can diffuse them a bit. You may notice that different things are hard for your husband to deal with- he will have different triggers and you will both be able to deal with different things more effectively. You may even be able to cooperate to try to hand the things that trigger you to the other partner.

Hope this is helpful.

I also think - sorry - that you might benefit from external help because I think there’s a clear undercurrent of you excluding her - the way you talk about my house is sad. It’s sending her a message that she doesn’t quite belong.

This is great, and honest, advice. My DS is a lot younger but we learnt very, very early on not to tell him about any plans unless we were certain they were happening. And then it has to be in great detail: "we'll get this bus, to this place, then we'll go to this cafe, and this shop, and but these things." "We're going shopping at the weekend" just wouldn't work.

We're also working on "you have to trust the adults with the plan" because no one enjoys being interrogated by a 6 year old over the minutiae of a day trip.

This is not her fault as you say but you can help.
Reply once with your decision.
Next time say "I've told you already X"
After that say "You need to unstick your brain. I'm not talking about this any more".
Then do not say anything. If you keep replying she's getting feedback and it will make her keep on talking about the same thing.
I know it's hard but this will work, I promise!
It might make her double down the first few times, look up "extinction burst". But it will help.
Don't discuss budget - she's not an adult. Maybe if she was 15 she would get it.

The only way we ever found to stop this was to be really black and white. No, I won’t buy anything you ask for, other than birthday and Christmas with a budget of X. You can tell me what you would like in Y, and I don’t want to hear about it before then.

It is an anxiety driven behaviour so it’s really hard to calm down otherwise.

@BusMumsHoliday , I think you also need to see that this asking for stuff is an anxiety response (seeking reassurance and attempting to asset control) and look for ways to reduce anxiety elsewhere in her life.

Yes! Absolutely this!

I definitely come from a family with some neurodivergence but also both parents had very traumatic childhoods and I definitely remember being dragged up and shouted at and very occasionally hit with a slipper (possibly only once) so in that sense you're right, it might be a core childhood memory. However, I also have millions of happy loving core childhood memories and with the shouting ones, in retrospect I see how I'd pushed her buttons (I'm ADHD, adult diagnosed) by losing/breaking everything, keeping my room a mess etc, it must have felt like total disregard for everything she did for me and parenting is exhausting. And I still loved her then and I still love her now. No one can have all happy memories and as long as the good outweigh the bad, it will be ok.

I personally think that earning pocket money leads to more problems than it's worth. I gave my DC a set amount of pocket money every week not linked to jobs or behaviour and they could spend it or save it as they wished.
I also tried to have the idea that our family was a team so we all helped with jobs and no one got paid. This wasn't always easy and didn't always work but it removed a lot of anxiety.
My friend's child who got paid for jobs was always asking for jobs and money, not just from her family and became a bit of a pain.

Oh this is resonating so much with me, solidarity op. If I’d just had my neurotypical child I would have been one of those posters saying ‘thats terrible you need help’, but as Im in the same position as you, I know there is no help and I can see how you got pushed to the edge.
My dd has asd and is the same age and some of this sounds very familiar, although mine is less stuff oriented, but a school refuser, so swings and roundabouts. However I really recognise that feeling of it never being enough no matter how much you try. We had what should have been a lovely shopping day over half term, where we went into all the shops she wanted, i bought her lovely things and she still had a meltdown because she couldn’t find the very specific clothes to fit her incredibly stringent requirements. It can just feel so so thankless. like living with a small narcissist who neither understands their impact on other people nor cares (I know it’s not the same of course)
My mental health has definitely taken a hit and Im not as good a parent as i would like to be to my other child because of the time she consumes.
I doubt she will cope with secondary at all and Im dreading the full onset of hormones, but that’s probably another thread.

She needs to get it out of her head and a better way to manage it, give her a notepad that lives beside your computer or somewhere that works for both of you, that she can write reminders on.
After dinner each day, discuss the list, either buy the object, come up with another plan (like make your own costume), say no or wrote a solution on the list (football boots after 4 sessions and put a reminder on your phone).

She needs help with the anxiety of forgetting something, especially as at this age it's worry about you forgetting something, and you need a way to take control of it that works for you.

Good luck, it's hard but you'll find your way, x

11 is a really really tough age without the autism, I have found. And WBD can actually do one.