I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

[imsoverytired82]

I’ve just completely lost it with my 11 year old daughter

I’ve been so stressed this week. I’ve got issues at work and I haven’t slept

my daughter has been nagging all week about her world book day outfit. She’s asked so many times despite me telling her I’d ordered it. It arrived today and she’s still asking for more for it even though I’d said to her I can’t afford any more. Now she’s onto football boots (she’s had 1 session) and keeps asking. She is autistic so deep down I know she can’t help it. once she gets what she wants she’s onto the next thing.

its 11 and I finally got into bed and went into a deep sleep.My first in ages. She’s shouting my name lying in bed saying I need to take her to buy boots.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something.

im so sick because she doesn’t care about anything other than ‘getting’.

You may have to explicitly teach her conversation rules. "When someone says no, you can't ask for that thing again." "People will find it rude if you keep asking for things."

You can combine this with techniques like getting get to make wishlist (though you'll need to be clear she might not necessarily get everything on them." Could you give her a set amount a month she can spend on things she wants?

My autistic DS will often get stuck asking for stuff/moaning about things he hasn't got when he's tired, anxious, otherwise disregulated. I find it helps to name the pattern, "I think you might be asking for these things because you're feeling a bit tired and sad."

Everyone only has finite patience and none of us are saints. It's not ideal you shouted, but also she does need to learn that her behaviour will anger other people.

You said she shrugged and got back in to bed, doesn't sound like she was that traumatised by it. However, you can always apologise to her tomorrow if you think you went too overboard. That doesn't mean you will allow her behaviour to continue. Start putting proper consequences in place for when she doesn't listen to you.

Shes 11. She knows fine rightly its naughty behaviour to shout out mums name at bed time and be a wee toad.

You haven't traumatised her, hopefully she realised she pushed it too far

What sort of things did you say to her? Dragging her from her bed and screaming at her is pretty bad. She sounds infuriating but you know you can’t risk this happening again. It’s extreme behaviour. Do you have a partner or husband? What do they say? Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Im not sure this is a good post for AIBU 🫤

And I feel like her ‘stuff bitch’. Last weekend it was something else. She is a nightmare. I try my best. She asked me 10 times today about her hair for world book day. I’ve said I’ll do it for her but it’s not until Thursday but she’ll ask about 5 times a day until then

I don't blame you for your reaction . She sounds relentless in her demands and to be honest I don't think this has anything to do with autism ( I have a diagnosed son and grandson ) maybe tomorrow sit her down and tell her nothing else will be bought for her for ( insert your own number of months ) and that you won't be changing your mind. She will probably kick off but don't back down . Hope you get a better sleep soon .

She nags because you will give in (understandable) but that is the pattern you both do.

To break it will be hard and she will test you more than she ever has and nag even harder but if you stick to your guns it could work well.

Think of all the ‘tips’ that would help her;
like when you’re out, go to the shop she wants something from last/ do a visual chart of pocket money she gets or item you buy her that month- get her to put what she wants next (thinking this is managing and lessening her ‘wants’ as they won’t disappear so they need to be incorporated) - like a toy, on a visual calendar/ picture etc and her steps to get this, like tidy room/ fold washing etc- give her a daily job so she earns it- if she misses a job add it on another day so she can make up for it.

Stay strong, we all have a limit and we all snap sometimes.

You need to look after yourself too.

It was horrific I dragged her out of bed and shouted in her face. She shrunk back and looked shocked.

first decent sleep I’d had in ages. Now I’m wired and awake and she’s fast asleep.

Yes, it can be a hyper fixation. The stuff gives her a dopamine hit but it doesn’t last long so she wants more.

Then my husband came up and put her to bed telling her off. That’s when she shrugged and went to bed. She will probably apologise too in the morning.

ive just had enough of the inconsiderate behaviour.

What if you turn it around, so when she asks for something you say 'Have you asked me about that before? What was the answer I gave you?' and let her fill in the gaps a bit? I have had some success with this, albeit with a child who simply uses my brain rather than their own for even the simplest thing, but it might be worth a try.

Alternatively, would it maybe help to redirect her acquisitive nature by putting her in charge of shopping? She could help make lists for the supermarket shop, even if it just gives you an excuse to send her upstairs to check the toothpaste/loo roll/cleaning supplies every time she asks for something that you don't want to discuss and redirect that energy to things that you do actually need to buy.

You poor thing. I have adult children on the spectrum. I recognize the fixation on getting a particular thing regardless of it being dangerous or inappropriate or whatever and the meltdowns if they don't get it. I have lived through the South American musical instrument craze. Obviously she is affected by autism but that doesn't mean she gets a free pass on her behaviour. I think you need to just refuse to buy stuff - I mean I realise this very easy to say but whatever you are currently doing is not working. I think she has worked out that if she nags she will get something and you have to break that cycle - if she nags she never gets it. How is she going to get on in the world if she thinks that being a whiney little beast will get her things. If one of my sons had done what she did when I was crazed from lack of sleep I would have probably have yelled at him too. My husband, who is on the spectrum, would certainly have been punished for this sort of behaviour growing up. Where is her father in all this?

You dragged her out of bed and screamed at her and shouted in her face. Come on, that is not ok. You are the adult, put something in place to help you control yourself. She can't help her behaviour, you can help yours.

What's Dad doing in all of this?

https://www.newboldhope.com/buying-things-article

Interesting article

I don’t have children but teach English in an SEN secondary school. I have one student in particular who asks the same questions over and over, day after day. I know it’s part of anxiety etc for him but it is honestly infuriating for me and his classmates (before implementing any strategies I used a clicker to count the questions and it was between 10-15 times in an hour lesson so once every 4-6 mins) so I give him three (down from 8 to 5 and now 3) post it notes a lesson, stuck to his desk in front of him. Every question means a post it note is removed and when they’re gone they’re gone and his (scripted) questions won’t be answered anymore. It’s taken about half a term but he has made huge progress towards really thinking about whether he wants to “use up” one of his questions and we have the occasional lesson now where he has a post it left at the end!

All this to say, I wonder if something similar would work for your daughter. If she knows she’s “allowed” to ask a certain number of times a day and will get a serious and full answer but after that she needs to wait until tomorrow, she might start to think about it consciously rather than impulsively. It does take a while to retrain the brain though!

Sat downstairs ignoring her becasuse he’s exhausted too

@imsoverytired82 You need to work as a team - he should be supporting you.

I’m at the end of my tether. She’s thrown furniture before and was damaging my house so I pushed her out the house. I have t known what to do.

she’s so exhausting. I actually dread spending time with her as it’s all about her and what she wants. We have to revolve everything around her meals days out etc, she’s ruined holidays, special meals out because she can’t find what she wants to eat, special days because she refuses to leave the house unless it’s to shop, days out because we are looking for something to eat. She dictates everything and I’m done.

I want to scream into a pillow. There’s nothing left of me.

OP might be autistic too.

I get it, my DD is autistic too. It’s exhausting and frustrating but pulling her from bed and screaming in her face is abuse. I’m sure lots of people on here will you tell it’s fine etc but it’s not. I doubt you would have responded to another adult that way because the chances are they’d fight back. So you don’t respond that way to your child and then try to justify it by blaming her behaviour.

You need to apologise, she didn’t shrug and go back to sleep because she didn’t care. She did it to protect herself, she doesn’t feel emotionally safe with you.

You’ve likely caused this, unintentionally, by giving in all the time. She knows if she just nags enough you’ll buy whatever she wants.

If you can afford it I’d try therapy for her, does she only get your attention when she’s asking for stuff? Do you only do things together when you’re buying her things? It sounds like you don’t like her very much and she’ll pick up on that too. The stuff is just a symptom of how she’s feeling.

You can't push her out into the garden either OP. This is abusive behaviour. She is a child and she has a diagnosed condition. You have a duty of care towards her, you cannot keep harming her like this.

You need to get some help for yourself so that you can learn some coping strategies. You and your partner can make a schedule so that you each get some sleep and some time for yourselves.

I think problem is we are both in the same place. There’s nothing for us. It’s just about her.

Is she your only child?

I try to do stuff with her. I try. But all she wants is either her laptop or to go shopping.

i try to paint with her as she’s very good at this but she just wants to go and either rearrange her desk or spray on hideous amounts of perfume or buy stuff.

yes it is abusive. I need to get a check of myself but how? When it’s all about her and there’s no time for me. I literally have nothing left of me.