I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

[imsoverytired82]

I’ve just completely lost it with my 11 year old daughter

I’ve been so stressed this week. I’ve got issues at work and I haven’t slept

my daughter has been nagging all week about her world book day outfit. She’s asked so many times despite me telling her I’d ordered it. It arrived today and she’s still asking for more for it even though I’d said to her I can’t afford any more. Now she’s onto football boots (she’s had 1 session) and keeps asking. She is autistic so deep down I know she can’t help it. once she gets what she wants she’s onto the next thing.

its 11 and I finally got into bed and went into a deep sleep.My first in ages. She’s shouting my name lying in bed saying I need to take her to buy boots.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something.

im so sick because she doesn’t care about anything other than ‘getting’.

No. The other one is neurotypical and doesn’t have this at all. Entertains herself with model making and is very happy.

Yes. Parent of two diagnosed autistic teens. It is. It’s exhausting. Forgive yourself. Tomorrow is a new day.

The other day I was on FaceTime to my mum
and she was sat next to me. I felt a pain and the. Found she had a pair of tweezers and was trying to pic hair from my face. It’s just shit like this.

the only way she stops sometimes is if we shout. “X will you please stop asking for Y, it will not be bought for you”

Chat gpt is helpful for complex parenting coaching.
sounds like there is probably a lot you could change to make things better. You’re the adult. You should say sorry to her for your disregulation and frightening behaviour tomorrow and get serious about learning about autism, developing strategies to cope and calming your nervous system down. Sorry to be blunt.

She also comes and screams at me when I’m in the shower that my house is a mess. Because the clothes I have just taken off are on the floor.
or she will scream my car is a mess when I’ve spent 30 mins trying to get her out of the door because she’s refused to go out again.

Please be kind to yourself. Having a ND child is literally exhausting

This just reminded me of a phase one of my dd's went through.
She's also autistic but was diagnosed after this phase.

She was around 12 and would constantly give me tasks, they felt like almost impossible missions eg asking for an item of clothing with a very very specific spec (fabric, shape, colour etc).
Or from some weird European or American website.

At the time she was really struggling with her MH, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, OCD etc

I really felt like it was her way to keep in touch and receive feedback from me.

When tried to find the item it was feedback to her that I was listening and I cared.

She would also wake me at night or prevent me from sleeping talking about her hair. It wasn't really about her hair, it was the intrusive thoughts and they wouldn't let her tell me, so instead she showed her anxiety and asked for help in this way.

I don't know if it's the same for your DD but my experience of my DD with autism is that what is said isn't what it's really about.

I will apologise to her in the morning.

she also needs to realise shouting at 11pm from her bed is not acceptable.

I also need to manage the nagging.

first thing she will ask me in the morning is what time we are going to get the football boots. So I’ve written her a letter explaining why she won’t be getting them.

I think this is it.

I do try to get her to do other things but she’s not interested.

Reflecting, another thing is she nd her sister have been dicking around upstairs since 8pm refusing to settle even though they both been to multiple events today. I try and have some evening with my husband but they’ve been up late every night this week partmof the reason I lost it.

No matter how stressed you are - read your posts back. This is your 11 year old child. You sound like you hate her - you need to get some external support. Screaming in her face isn't going to help an autistic kid

Who from??? Please te me where I can have ‘support’ from.

the GP isn’t interested because I’m not on benefits and am middle class.

the school don’t see this behaviour only the anxiety

Work out a system. She has a rooster card with x amount put on it each week. She can save or spend herself. When it’s gone it’s gone. There is no other money and nagging will not change that. You need to be immovable and not give in.

also writing a list and learning to prioritize

You don't sound much better than her at this stage. You clearly need support because you can't go on like this. She's 11. She didn't choose to be autistic.

You pushed her out the house? Please. Stop typing. Go to bed. Ask social services for some support on Monday. You really do sound like you hate her

If she went to school and told them you had laid your hands on her and shoved her out of your house - all hell would break loose. She would probably be put on a child protection order.

Get help before you do something stupid. Other people might think your behaviour is acceptable but it really isn't. She's a child.

I will try and word this as politely as I can.

So in your own words you...
1.dragged her out of bed?
2.Screamed at her?

1. Said horrible things to her?
2. Went mad at her?

She's an 11 year old autistic child who is excited/overthinking her world book day costume and her new football activity.

You need to do better... this was really sad to read especially your overall tone on how you describe your daughter. Also... it's not her fault either if you are having a difficult time at work is it?

You've said you will apologise to her tomorrow which is good... I do wish you and your daughter all the best and happier times for the future 🙂

Number order messed up on the list but you get my point 😅

I have agree as a dad to an autistic son myself I know the demands it can place on you as a parent and how emotionally draining it can be.but there is no way I would drag my child out of bed and scream in his face that's not acceptable.that poor girl must have been terrified.i don't think I've read any remorse either just justifications.so I agree with you the OP definitely needs some professional support

Does her Dad ever scream at her and get physical with her?

Set her a spending budget that she’ll get at the end of the week and tell her every time she asks about the same thing repetitively then a certain amount will be deducted from the total and if she’s patient and doesn’t ask she’ll get a tip per day.
Write it on a board.

I feel for you. Is there any way you can hold some boundaries especially round bathroom and your bedroom? She sounds like she is capable of learning them.

Maybe switch off the internet at night to help reinforce that it is literally not possible to buy anything at night.

The whiteboard is a good idea but you would have to revisit it very often I think, if only to talk about it. Could you also consider an allowance "now she is old enough", maybe weekly, and/or chores for her to do to earn the money. Obvs it depends on her understanding but there is potential to harness that drive and turn it into a work ethic. It would give a concrete limit she could understand even if she doesn't love it at first. Anywhere you can link life skills to a special interest is potentially a good learning opportunity.

I think with our autistic DC we sign up to talk about the favourite subject ad infinitum and that is just part of the job. On good days we drip feed tolerating other topics, on bad ones we give into it. But there needs to be a line drawn between talking about it and doing it. If her obsession was water skiing she couldn't do it 24/7. You'd all understand that. Perhaps you need to find ways to apply that same separation to talking about shopping Vs actual shopping. Indulge the talking about it but be strict about the doing it, and be really clear about the distinction.

I'm not sure f this is helpful, you are mainly exhausted and emotional and I've given a "head" reply not a "heart" one. But one reason for that is when you're feeling lost and overwhelmed sometimes it really helps to make a plan. Good plan or bad plan it doesn't really matter, but just deciding what you are going to change gives you a positive way forward and some hope.

It will get easier, eventually, in the long run. One day at a time x

That sounds really tough for you - and so exhausting! It made me think about ‘love languages ‘ (Google Gary Chapman five love languages if interested). One of these is people who feel loved when they receive gifts - I am wondering if this is your DD and the overlay of her Autism makes it relentless. I think the suggestions of trying to put in some clear boundaries would be helpful - but it is not easy. How about you draw a pick of football boots and divide into10 - 15 sections - if DD has a good day and doesn’t pester for the boots she can colour a section in? When they are all coloured in, you can arrange to go and buy some ( if she’s still keen).
Waiting for anything can be difficult for lots of people with Autism. I guess it’s about finding a way to help your daughter learn to experience ‘delayed gratification’. Lots of others have posted good suggestions so I hope you find something that helps.

Oh and find a way to spend time just you and your husband. Can you give the girls pizza in front of a film and you have "date night" in the kitchen? Book annual leave or take a long lunch together occasionally on school days. Use parental leave.

Also consider asking your husband to take them one weekend and you go away for a night or two in a hotel, by yourself. It sounds like you need it. I find it so helpful.

To be honest, you’re not being fair on her.

Regardless of her being “high functioning”, you know this specific behaviour stems from her autism - she has a medical reason for acting in that way.

You seem to think because she’s “high functioning” that she should know better and should automatically act like a person who doesn’t have autism would act. But if that was possible, she wouldn’t have the diagnosis to begin with!

I think you need to rethink your approach to this, you got in a visceral rage over missed sleep but she woke you up within the hour of you getting into bed, you were posting on here by 11:44! Ie you still had the rest of the night to catch up on sleep, particularly if you were as exhausted as you say. Whatever you’re doing for her bedtime clearly doesn’t work because she’s not asleep and is wired up thinking about world book day or whatever. Maybe you need to expend her energy during the day and change the bedtime routine so that at night, she’s sleeping through it herself instead of thinking about school etc.