I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

[imsoverytired82]

I’ve just completely lost it with my 11 year old daughter

I’ve been so stressed this week. I’ve got issues at work and I haven’t slept

my daughter has been nagging all week about her world book day outfit. She’s asked so many times despite me telling her I’d ordered it. It arrived today and she’s still asking for more for it even though I’d said to her I can’t afford any more. Now she’s onto football boots (she’s had 1 session) and keeps asking. She is autistic so deep down I know she can’t help it. once she gets what she wants she’s onto the next thing.

its 11 and I finally got into bed and went into a deep sleep.My first in ages. She’s shouting my name lying in bed saying I need to take her to buy boots.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something.

im so sick because she doesn’t care about anything other than ‘getting’.

Sounds pretty typical of autism - the hyperfixation, dopamine seeking, anxiety, and lack of understanding other people's boundaries/reactions.

If she gets a dopamine hit from shopping she may constantly be thinking of the next thing she wants. The latest thing becomes the ONE thing she NEEDS. Anxiety makes her feel desperate to make sure it happens, so she constantly mentions it to feel reassured that you haven't forgotten. Lack of social skills means she may not do this in a charming way, just a constant nagging.

I agree with the suggestions of a whiteboard/notebook where she can write down these things. It may curb her impulse to constantly ask, as she can 'see' them somewhere physically, written down, and knows you can see it too.

Have you approached social service .im west sussex we have Early Help who would be able to support with stratergies to help support you both.
Also have a look online for local support networks that you can self referer too.

@imsoverytired82 i’m so sorry this happened. I’d be furious at being woken up for this too and I doubt I would have handled it much better.

My ds was very much like this too. Constantly asking for something. Often not taking no for an answer - asking and asking and asking and asking soon as he got something he wanted something else./

Eventually we opened him a bank account (he’s 8). We give him an amount each week (currently £10 as this is an amount we can afford and are comfortable with). At the beginning we asked him to choose something he wanted to save up for - he has to put £5 a week towards this and can’t take that money out until he’s reached his savings goal. Then each week he can choose to spend the other £5 or save it.

Now, whenever he asks for something I ask him is he has enough money in his account for it - if he does, he can buy it with his own money. If he doesn’t then it’s a simple ‘no - but you can save up for it’. So far it’s worked really well for us.

I appreciate this doesn’t help with something like football shoes or a world book day outfit as these are both things that we would buy for him anyway- but it might cut down on at least some on the asks?

This sounds so hard. What a frustrating condition autism is. The wanting sounds relentless. Your dd sounds needs to learn to think of others though. I would not be happy with being woken up over something silly like that. Hopefully she'll learn from this and not do it again. It's no wonder you lost it.

I always envy parents whose autistic kids give a shit about what other people might think of them 🤣 it must make everything so much easier.

I’ll explain to my autistic DS that his behaviour might be considered rude and he’ll scream at me that he doesn’t care.

If I say, ‘I think you’re doing X because you’re sad / tired / whatever’ he’ll just say I’m wrong and probably also swear at me and/or physically attack me.

OP feels bad and is coping as best she can in a difficult situation. Piling on her and acting holier than thou and shocked is not helpful and if you have never dealt with an autistic child you probably don't have any idea just how bad it can be. I once acted in a very similar manner to OP. I too was at the end of my tether. My son doesn't appear to have been permanently emotionally scarred by it. Last month we had a family holiday for 10 days in a lovely resort in Bali. He is a doctor. There can be light at the end of the tunnel.

My 16 year old daughter is exactly like this. She’s undiagnosed. She has ADHD traits and I assumed it was that, but then I suppose there are ASD traits that overlap!

Oh, and don’t worry about losing it. They can be fucking annoying 🤣

This. Maybe she will think twice next time. This is no life. She may have a diagnosis but it doesn’t mean that your life and limits stop existing just because you have to accommodate her.

I hear you. If you’ve not been here, it’s very hard to understand. Picking up on ‘anxiety’. Is she on - or have you explored - medication to help this? Mr 10 (autism and ADHD) struggled for a long time. Hyper focus on one thing was challenging as he just couldn’t stop talking/asking about whatever it was. Medication helped to lower his overall anxiety level, which then enabled him to engage with child psychologist to develop strategies to recognise and how to de-escalalate. I know girls can be very different to boys in how they present, but this might be a way forward.
As an adjunct, he’s been able to develop ongoing friendships at school for the first time ever.
I’m not in UK, so I don’t know your health system. I went private paediatrician and psychologist.

Not necessarily. Could be a teen thing. Either way its ok to put in boundaries that extend further than not waking you up demanding stuff ie you can't buy everything she wishes

I get it OP. It sounds very difficult. You’re doing your best, losing our cool happens to the best of us

You sound like a brilliant teacher.

Could you get a calendar (with the largest boxes you can find!) and write in things like 'World Book Day - x outfit with y hairstyle' so when she's asking questions repeatedly you can tell her to check the calendar. As others have said, you could also have a 'shopping day' marked on so she knows she won't be getting anything until then, and can perhaps record in that box things she would like, then the day before she can prioritise based on her/your budget.

Good luck OP, and try not to be too hard on yourself. You are only human and doing your best with no support from outside agencies, dealing with very challenging behaviour.

I've seen this before where the child had social struggles and having the right stuff was a way to fit in with the crowd. Is this the case for your DD maybe?

Also a thought, with an autistic DD, you could be autistic yourself. Maybe you had a meltdown? I'm not saying that to minimise it, but understanding it can help you manage it better in future.

I'd work on setting boundaries around when and how she can communicate about things she thinks she needs and when they will be bought, if at all.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You deserve your sleep and I wouldn’t tolerate this either.
Being autistic doesn’t mean you get everything you want; you will have to find a suitable punishment for this behaviour and definitely stop buying her things beyond the basic needs.

I'm autistic. If I ever raised my voice or woke either of my parents from age 3 onward, I'd have gotten an automatic "No, and now you've lost privilege". Autism isn't an excuse for bullying her mother.

This phase will pass - it’s extremely hard with autism as she won’t be able to “ get in your shoes “ to understand how stressed and drained her demands are making you feel.
Autism is selfish in its nature- that she can’t help xx
I had a similar issue, with an inability to comprehend spending, with my ASD ds, at the same age. I got in a lot of debt with his special interest.
Eventually, I set a budget and said that we can only spend what he have in the ‘pot’, therefore giving the choice to him, to work out his priority of where to spend his ‘ budget’ - setting boundaries .
It does wear you down, the relentless insistence, but it is part of raising an autistic child. Try to walk away, take a breather, before your temper takes over and you lose control .
Coping with a child with autism, whilst maintaining your own self care, the advice is all over the internet, which helped me.
Good luck X

Huh
what support do you think you'd get if you were on benefits and working class? Your GP isn't interested because she's not ill and nor are you. Your GP can give you a sick note for work if you need it but otherwise that's the limit of their capabilities. Sadly there is very little statutory support for autistic children and their families but there are always charities and peer support groups online which you can find, and your local early help service might have some pointers for support. Not the GP.

The love languages is bunkam. Honestly have a read about how it started and what's based on. It's utter nonsense.

I’m an AuDHD woman and I have autistic twin DC, now aged 16 yrs old. DS in particular has high needs (still in nappies and will be at home for life).

I know it’s hard - DS has echolalia as well as the anxiety so we often hear exactly the same things many many times every hour, each time requiring me to answer. The same thing. Every time. Tonight I was trying to get dinner out of the oven and serve up about five different things and he was following me around the kitchen telling me about 10th Gen Pokemon - which he had been talking about non-stop since yesterday. Incessantly. Asking me questions about it. The same questions he’s been asking me for the last 48 hours. He didn’t go to bed until 1am which is why I’m still up at 5am trying to find some me time!

However one thing I’ve always remembered is the adage “what goes in their ears comes out of their mouths”.

In your replies there are references to regularly shouting at your DD. So it’s perhaps not a surprise that she yells at you. It all sounds very pressured and stressful.

Have you been on any parenting courses? The National Autistic Society used to run good ones called Early Bird and Early Bird Plus. I think it would really be beneficial for you.

I think you need to establish what’s at the core of your DD’s behaviour - if you can figure that out, you can find a solution that works for everyone. Is her behaviour anxiety driven? Do you promise things and not follow through? Is she over stimulated? Does she not have the coping skills to manage worries? Could she also have ADHD which often gets missed in autistic girls?

When I’m fixated on something I think about it incessantly. Even when I’m doing other things and it might not be obvious. If I’m anxious about something, getting repeated reassurance really helps, even if I’ve been given it before. Obviously I’m an adult and I mask extremely well, so I know that I can’t talk about my current favourite subject for an hour at a time. And that I can’t keep asking someone the same thing. But would I like to? Honestly? Yes very much sometimes. But I suppress the urge because I know it’s not fair or ok. I can get stuck on the same thought loop for a very long time!!

It’s like an itch that you need to scratch, but understanding what’s causing that itch will help you put solutions in place for your DD that bring you all some peace.

But for the sake of you, your DH, your autistic DD, and your other child you need to make some changes. Pulling a child out of bed and screaming in their face and saying “horrible things” is not ok. You know this. But to prevent things spiralling you need to be proactive and make some changes. Now.

She sounds like a horrible, spoilt little madam. A good bollocking won't damage her 🙄

Totally agree. ‘Love Languages’ are wank.

One thing I've noticed from your posts, OP, is that you refer several times to "my house" in scenes that include both you and your daughter. That is telling and sad to me. It is your daughter's house (and home), too.

Please don't speak about a child like this.