DS’s 14yo gf has just came over in tears

[JoiningInn]

My ds is 14, he has a 14yo gf. The way they met is quite bizzare according to ds they met at the park but the story he told was a bit odd and I have a feeling he's lying but then why would he lie? I planned on asking gf for her side but haven't got round to it yet

They've been together for a few months and it's quite intense and I don't know if it's more than first love at this point. DS has social anxiety (also another reason I don't believe he just met someone at the park, if anything he would avoid her) and not many friends. Also tourettes which is made worse by anxiety and unfamiliar places/people

Her mum doesn't like ds, he went over one day for dinner and came back upset as she had belittled him for his tics and called him rude and an attention seeker. She did know about the tics beforehand and that's the only time she has met him

His gf also doesn't have a good relationship with her mum, she always tells ds she favours her sibling and hates her

I've not left a lot out as I don't want an essay that no one reads but she's just come over to ds in tears about half an hour ago, she told ds her mum had hit her (apparently she used to hit her when she was a child too) and told her to leave

I don't know what to do. I have no contact info for her mum. I don't know her last name, social services likely won't do anything this time of night. Police? But what would I say? I don't know what to do. Arghhh teens

?????
The woman hits her child and tells her she loves her siblings more.....
Somehow I don't think she'll be worried about the DDs whereabouts

No it's not

The WhatsApp profile picture wasn't available it was just blank I assume it was due to privacy settings of some sort.

In the end I didn't phone the duty social services as they would likely have said as she was safe she wasn't a priority / emergency and I didn't fancy staying awake for hours waiting. I plan on it today or at the very least email school if I somehow find out which school she attends as ds won't tell me

I have spoken to him about contraception etc but he doesn't know I have seen the messages as I worry if he knows I look through his phone he will delete things he doesn't want me to see.

I don't believe they are having sex, he's only been to her house once and that was for dinner, she comes over here but they don't go in ds’s room they usually watch a film or they go to the garden room and play pool and while they do go out together I don't believe they would be having sex although I am worried as ds needs to focus on his mental health / his education not a baby

It was a big step forward when he started college in September as he was too anxious to even leave the house at one point and while he is doing a bit better there's still a long way to go and he hasn't made any friends. He then started dating her in October and its just this girl he goes out with (apart from family)

She often tells him that he treats her better than other boys have indicating she has dates others too whereas this is ds’s first gf. The robot baby was apparently part of her studying health and social at school and part of her grade (from what I gathered from what she told ds when she showed him)

I told her this morning I would be contacting social services and she has gone home

Fwiw it's very common for abused teenage girls to want a baby just to feel loved. I think you should still contact social services.

It wouldn't surprise me if the mum had thrown her out. We've had at least three teenagers turn up on our doorstep under similar circumstances. One went so far as to ask her son for my bank details so she could transfer the child benefit she got for him to me. He was 15 . The woman had not met my children or me. For all she knew, we were a family of crackheads.

The youngest was 13/14 and lived with us on and off until he moved in with his boyfriend at 18.

I've no advice beyond what has been given - make sure the school is aware and make her feel safe and comfortable. Ime, if this has happened once, it will happen again. The girl is lucky to have you as a safe, trusted adult. She could have ended up in a much worse situation.

I found social services to be largely useless. Once the teens were with us, they were deemed to have suitable, safe housing and appropriate adult supervision, so there was never any rush to find them a placement if the parents refused to have them back. Instead, they focused on trying to support the parents to have the teenagers back at home.

If he cant be honest with you about basic details like what school she attends and how they met i would not be condoning such a relationship.

Every teenage pregnancy ive come across in my line of work begins with parents believing their children "did not have the opportunity to have sex" based on this, the fact that she is clearly vulnerable (what 14 year old wanting a baby isnt) and the fact he is already lying to you i think you need to be making it very clear what your boundaries are here.

Well I'm glad to see that she's gone home, but OP - please don't be naive about them having sex.
I'm certain that they are.
Young people will find a way somehow.

I would tell her Sorry she can’t stay with you. Ask her or your son what school she goes to. If they won’t say, what can you do. If you get the info, contact them and let them know what she’s said.
Moving forward, I would be very strict on discouraging this relationship.
I know some people would disagree but I can remember my mum always got up to her elbows in any kind of drama, with my sisters’ friends etc. It never did any good and it wasn’t fair on us, her actual kids.
It sounds harsh but I have zero tolerance for this kind of stuff. DC’s friends, other kids, they are not my responsibility and I will do the simplest thing if I really have to but I do not get involved with other peoples kids as a general rule.
Especially at fourteen. If you feed into this kind of thing so young you are going to regret it later on.

RTFT

I’ve worked with children professionally for 20 years, including teaching and within local authority social care services. So many red flags here. Both young people have their own vulnerabilities and are still quite young. You will know your own son and what’s best for him, but I would be cautious regarding them being in a relationship.

If a 14 year old is saying she has been hit at home and thrown out then this needs to be reported to social care, or to the school who will take the appropriate course of action via their safeguarding lead. Regardless of the fact that she says she has gone home now. You have the option to report to social care anonymously if you wish.

It may be nothing - teenagers can and do tell lies sometimes, and normally loving families can and do fall out and react disproportionately sometimes. However, it needs to be looked into to be clear on the wider family context/history and whether it’s something to be concerned about or not. It may or may not be at the level for social care, there may also be some alternative family support that can be offered, or it may just be a one-off incident. Context matters, and can be looked into by professionals to assess what is going on for this girl. I wouldn’t be surprised if they already hold some information on this family.

’Robot babies’ are very often given specifically to girls who have been identified at high risk of teen pregnancy, and are known to be vulnerable for various reasons, as an intervention. I’ve given them out myself and delivered the education programme that goes alongside. It’s true that they can be handed out in other contexts as well. However, I’ve never come across a 14 year old who wants to have a baby who hasn’t also had all kinds of things going on in their life which make them very vulnerable.

Everything you say here is why it’s really important that the OP doesn’t take in this child. The difference is that her very young son is in a relationship with her. Bringing her to live with them sets up an adult, partnering relationship for which it’s very much too early in either of their lives. If this girl is relying on his own parents to be responsible for her, how would the OP’s DS be able to break up with her if he wanted to? It’s too much, they are far too young, and OP would be setting them up for much too intense and adult a relationship. Social services is the only responsible answer here, for the sake of both children.

I would inform the duty social worker - this will cover you. I personally think it is irresponsible to allow someone else child whom you dod not know without parental consent or informing the authorities.

I think you're being very naive about sex. If they've been alone together at all, they've had the opportunity.

The robot baby is a huge red flag here - and I do not believe what she said to you about the circumstances surrounding it, especially in light of the phone messages you uncovered. Schools give them to girls who have been flagged for vulnerability to early pregnancy. Girls in that category have enormous problems in their lives and families. The last thing this girl needs is to be in a relationship.

In your shoes, I'd be doing whatever it takes to ensure the relationship grinds to a screeching halt. I would strongly suspect that this troubled girl targeted your son.

The girl is on record as saying she wants a baby. The OP has seen texts. The girl's mum is abusive. The girl is engaged in an intense relationship with a 14 yo boy.

Everything points to an intervention by the school.

The thread filled up a lot in the time I was typing.
The comment is still relevant for their relationship going forward.

Fuming enough to hit your child some more?

This and they see it as a ticket out of the abusive home into a place they can live on their own.

🙄

They’ve got a point though. You seem naïve

I think you are adding 2 + 2 = 5

Lots of teenagers want a baby, it doesn't mean they will purposely get pregnant. The OP has said she doesn't think they are having sex or anything like that yet.

OP has also confirmed it was part of her health and social care course which makes sense.

Based on the girl responding she was playing the sims to the DS I think it's far more likely she's a normal 14 year old fantasising at this stage.

This! At 14 years old I wanted children so bad I was obsessed with parenting books
I never slept with anyone , in fact I stayed a virgin until I married my husband

OP you should report to the school and SS anyway. She could definitely be an abusive home.

Are people brain dead or something?! You send her home, calling relevant authorities, not give her place to stay overnight!!

RTFT