DS’s 14yo gf has just came over in tears

[JoiningInn]

My ds is 14, he has a 14yo gf. The way they met is quite bizzare according to ds they met at the park but the story he told was a bit odd and I have a feeling he's lying but then why would he lie? I planned on asking gf for her side but haven't got round to it yet

They've been together for a few months and it's quite intense and I don't know if it's more than first love at this point. DS has social anxiety (also another reason I don't believe he just met someone at the park, if anything he would avoid her) and not many friends. Also tourettes which is made worse by anxiety and unfamiliar places/people

Her mum doesn't like ds, he went over one day for dinner and came back upset as she had belittled him for his tics and called him rude and an attention seeker. She did know about the tics beforehand and that's the only time she has met him

His gf also doesn't have a good relationship with her mum, she always tells ds she favours her sibling and hates her

I've not left a lot out as I don't want an essay that no one reads but she's just come over to ds in tears about half an hour ago, she told ds her mum had hit her (apparently she used to hit her when she was a child too) and told her to leave

I don't know what to do. I have no contact info for her mum. I don't know her last name, social services likely won't do anything this time of night. Police? But what would I say? I don't know what to do. Arghhh teens

We had this when DS was 15 with a girlfriend. I spoke to her parents and let them know their daughter was safe, the woman was beside herself with worry. It turned out after me involving police and in turn them involving social work it was a load of rubbish. The woman despised me after it all and I don’t blame her. It transpired the girl wanted to spend the “rest of her life” with my DS 🙄. I’m not saying don’t report it, what I am saying is be very very careful, let the police know and let them talk to her parents. DO NOT tuck the 14 year old up on your sofa as a PP advised.

14yo and wanting a baby! She sounds like a 14yo going off the rails. No wonder her mum is angry at her behaviour / way of thinking. I don’t condone hitting but the mum is probably at the end of her tether.

You need to contact gf’s mum. Let her know she’s safe.

You are the adult in this situation and you need to act like it.

You need to tell the girl you need her mother’s contact details and ask her name and what school she goes to. You should have known some of this stuff within minutes of your first time meeting her!

She is too young to stay overnight with her boyfriend. She cannot stay in your house tonight - this is not negotiable. Ask where she is going to stay and offer to give her a lift.

But I can’t help but feel there are a lot of red flags over this girl and her behaviour. And without sounding heartless, she’s old enough to deal with the situation if her mother has hit her as a one off.

@JoiningInn Confused. Parents hit children. People may not agree with it, but it happens throughout the country and I would have thought it was normal.

Not quite the same situation but when my son was 13 one of his friends was at our house and my son asked if he could stay over because he'd been 'thrown out.' I asked his friend what had happened and he said him and his mum had had an argument and she'd told him to get out. I agreed to let him stay over. However I wondered if what he was saying was completely true and maybe it was an argument and she said something like get out of my sight, but meant temporarily.

I didn't know his mother but knew his name and messaged her on Facebook and said just to let you know X is here he said he'd been thrown out. She replied fairly quickly and said yes he has he stole £10 out of my purse. She said I'm sick of him and nobody's asking you to put him up.

I'm not condoning him taking the money but he was13 you can't just throw a 13 year old out .I thought it was bound to have been a misunderstanding but she didn't bother to deny it so it absolutely does happen.

I would say that she could stay but you need to have mother's number to text her.

I'd be more worried about the baby conversation but teenagers do talk a lot of crap but you want to make sure that's all it is, talk

Well you might not know her mums name, phone number or what school she attends but sure as hell the gf does. If she won’t tell you then she tomorrow will be dealing with child protection social workers who have ways of finding these throngs out.

I would ring social services to report a vulnerable child, there will be an out of hours number. Don’t go down the so helpful route she ends up with her living with you. Have you ever met children form abusive homes or who have serious emotional issues? They can be extremely manipulative, it’s distress often playing out.

Sorry to hear that.

It could be the truth but it seems very out of character for ds and just plain odd

I managed to get her mums number off of his gf, I called and no answer so I messaged her on WhatsApp and she just says “ok”

Oh dear!

Well, she's a child, so same rules have to apply as if she wasn't your son's gf. Assume she is telling the truth, let social services know, insist she let's her mum know that she's safe. I wouldn't give out my address, if the mum's a potential nutter, personally.

It will probably all blow over in a day or two. Just do the "correct" and kind thing, in the meanwhile, whilst knowing there might be a pinch of salt somewhere. Unfortunately if you have a teen, you have potentially years and years of drama ahead of you 🙃

In that case , I would contact SS, before you find yourself in a tricky situation where she ends up staying with you for longer than one night.

Also the "how did they meet" question is a bit of a red herring imo. It's probably on-line dating, which many people are cagey about. Either way, it shouldn't change how everything pans out.

I'd be more concerned about her wanting to get pregnant than how they met. Ring social services and let them deal with it, you'll probably have to put her up on your sofa for the night.

I’m surprised not more people are suggesting to call the police.

A 14-year-old is accusing her mum of hitting her and doesn’t want to return home. Let the police make the decision on how to keep her safe/what the next steps should be.

Sounds like the poor thing is desperate for love from somewhere. The whole wanting a baby thing screams it.

Just take all practical precautions OP while she’s there.

Are you certain it was the mother's number?
Could be anyone if a whatsapp

I agree, I definitely wouldn't try to deal with this without the help of some sort of professional agency.

She could completely be telling the truth about the whole thing. I don't think the other poster was saying the OP shouldn't believe her. Or she could be telling the truth about being hit but exaggerating/misunderstanding that her mother told her to leave (e.g "well if you can't follow the rules you don't need to live under my roof"..
Teenager leaves... Mother panics)
In either of those scenarios the OP should let the mother know where her daughter is. Partly to protect herself against any accusations of wrongdoing. And partly because the mother could well be genuinely worried about where her 14 year old daughter is. And the police are overstretched as it is. Looking for a child who is safe potentially means someone else is waiting for the police for longer.
Where children are neglected or mistreated I think it's if anything more important to treat them like children not less. And that includes reinforcing the idea that the adults responsible for them need to at least know they are safe. It's not the same as taking the child straight back to the parent. But reinforcing boundaries can keep them safer in the long run from predatory adults who may also test boundaries/treat them like autonomous adults.

Wow, the mother just replied "ok"! Something doesn't add up here at all.

You need to report this to social services, it’s not your responsibility to try and investigate a possible safeguarding issue, that’s their job, even late at night.

Also I’d probably try and make my son’s life a bit busier to help this “relationship” peter out.

You should call social services tonight. They are the best equipped to deal with this mess.

Is it possible this girl is pregnant?

You can google Duty Social Care and the place she lives to make contact with a duty social worker out of hours.

I wouldn’t be putting her up for the night, this will set a new pattern and she isn’t your responsibility, your son is. This wanting a baby talk would be my main concern, is your son neurodiverse? How does he feel?

When I was that age, I was desperate for an adult to hear what I wasn't saying and see what I was keeping hidden.

Call SS and explain what has happened or call the polivr and ask to speak to the child protection team. She is 14 and potentially a very vulnerable young person. You are not experienced, qualified nor protected enough to get involved. Neither is your son.

DS is 14 so i’d hope they didn't meet on online dating! But agree it's not important right now I was just adding it as it was the first “odd” thing especially given ds having social anxiety and barely leaving the house on his own and on a rare occasion he does go out on his own he also speaks to someone and they keep in touch. It's very weird

@CoffeeblanketandabookplzDS only has diagnosis of tourette’s and social anxiety (likely caused by the tics but then the tics are made worse by his anxiety, it's a constant cycle), his responses to her were very much “we don't have jobs”, another time she was asking what they’d call their baby and ds said he didn't know and she replied with she was playing the sims.

I would hope she isn't pregnant and if she is I would doubt it's ds’s baby as I can't think of a time it would've happened
I'm looking up the emergency social services number now. I feel like it's going to be a long night. Ds want ts her to stay (of course)