DS’s 14yo gf has just came over in tears

[JoiningInn]

My ds is 14, he has a 14yo gf. The way they met is quite bizzare according to ds they met at the park but the story he told was a bit odd and I have a feeling he's lying but then why would he lie? I planned on asking gf for her side but haven't got round to it yet

They've been together for a few months and it's quite intense and I don't know if it's more than first love at this point. DS has social anxiety (also another reason I don't believe he just met someone at the park, if anything he would avoid her) and not many friends. Also tourettes which is made worse by anxiety and unfamiliar places/people

Her mum doesn't like ds, he went over one day for dinner and came back upset as she had belittled him for his tics and called him rude and an attention seeker. She did know about the tics beforehand and that's the only time she has met him

His gf also doesn't have a good relationship with her mum, she always tells ds she favours her sibling and hates her

I've not left a lot out as I don't want an essay that no one reads but she's just come over to ds in tears about half an hour ago, she told ds her mum had hit her (apparently she used to hit her when she was a child too) and told her to leave

I don't know what to do. I have no contact info for her mum. I don't know her last name, social services likely won't do anything this time of night. Police? But what would I say? I don't know what to do. Arghhh teens

Yep, we've had several teens crash at ours for a night or two. Equally, DS has crashed at a friend's following an argument. He told friend's parents we'd "kicked him out", we hadn't.

The adults communicate where possible, even if it's just a text to say the kid is safe. As you said, they have big emotions & a night away for everyone to calm down is often enough. We haven't gotten to the stage of needing to escalate support as yet.

Bit of a difference here though in that the girl is saying that her mum is physically violent towards her. This needs addressing professionally.
If a woman was being hit by a man, you wouldn't send her back to that situation when things had calmed down.

It's not a question of what social services would do. It's the OP advising the relevant people of the allegations being made and the situation in general. Partly to cover her own back, partly to get them involved and partly to protect her own son.
What social services do with the information is on them, but it might be that the family is already known to them,and this is another piece of the jigsaw.

If you won't call the police or social services yourself, please contact the NSPCC or her school and tell them she, a child, has reported she is being hit by a parent at home. And that she's looking to get pregnant based on message you've seen. Please.

I wouldn't be surprised if it's true and that's why she wants a baby: she sees it as her chance to leave her home where she's not happy and have one of her own. This needs to be addressed.

And don't be deluded about your own son's ability to find a way to have sex if he wants to have sex. Teenagers have been creative about that since forever.

Be very careful OP, I have heard of way too many examples of young girls having a ‘fight’ with their parents and having no where to go apart from their BFs.

Often it is just a tactic to move in with their bf and then once they’re there you can’t kick them out and it becomes very toxic.

There was 1 example where the gf was being SA by the stepdad (which was true) but she moved in with the bf and his family and things got very bad.
The son wasn’t allowed to be anywhere without her, she became controlling and abusive, she was also very difficult to live with and refused to follow the house rules but had no family as they all took the stepdads side.
The bfs mum felt like she couldn’t kick her out and make her homeless because she had been SA and her family disowned her.

In no way would I ever have my child’s partner living with me.
If there has been physical violence then the police need to be called.

I completely agree that they need to be informed. OP can report it today and they will handover to the main team tomorrow. But PP were telling OP to call the police and have them collect her and take her to emergency foster care, and telling her that out of hours social work would find her a foster placement. Firstly that's absolutely shitty behaviour and secondly it's just not going to happen! The child is in a safe place and they wouldn't treat it as an emergency.

teens find a way, doesn’t just happen at home. I’d make sure you have a very strong conversation with him about contraception if she is talking about wanting a baby. At 14 that’s a huge responsibility and financial responsibility he cannot meet. Don’t assume they aren’t having sex, i’d assume they are.

Call police

@JoiningInn what did you say in your message to the mum?

I'd call social services in the morning. As for the police, you can tell them exactly what you told us.

Does your son do online gaming? Could they have met that way?

At this point you have no idea if the girl's Mum has hit her and asked her to leave or if she's had a row with her Mum and stormed out. Both are equally possible.

I would be very concerned that a 14 year old is desperate for a baby. Is bringing a robot baby home normal for most secondary schools??? My son's secondary school have certainly never done this, and I don't know any locally to me who do. It makes me wonder if this is something specific, that's been put in place for her. You need a conversation with your son regarding contraception (in fact I'd be buying him condoms) and stress the need for it, no matter what he may be told.

Your son in himself is vulnerable with his anxiety and Tourette Syndrome. He's in a position where he could be easily manipulated. For that reason, you need put his needs first. He's likely lied to you regarding how they met, and yes, I suspect it was online. The fact he's lied, suggests he's not mature or responsible enough to be having a girlfriend.

I'd let the girl stay for the night once I'd contacted her Mum and told her where her daughter is. However, you need to sit both down and have a calm conversation, to try and find out facts this morning. Depending on what you're told, would depend if SS needs calling.

It is good you are getting help for her and showing compassion now with a safe place to stay she must be so scared

I wouldn't believe that's her mum. The answer of 'ok' is deeply suspicious. Also suspicious that she didn't answer the phone. That could be anyone.

I would definitely be calling SS today and/or police. What i wouldn’t be doing is letting her move in however sad the situation. I would also be having a very direct discussion with my DS about sex and the repercussions of her being desperate for a baby at 14 when they are children themselves and what that could look like for their futures.

Yes, you can't be certain that you were given the correct number. The girl is, at the least, immature and quite deluded about her capacity to provide for a baby.
That alone is reason to contact social services.

I wouldn't let her sleep over.
Drive to her home and speak to her mother. You are the parent; you need to understand exactly what these children are up to.

I would also be telling DS straight, that gf is way too unprepared to be thinking about a baby. Remind him of all that is needed and suggest to him that she might pressure him into a sexual relationship. A serious discussion needs having with DS.

I would have thought that letting your parents know where you are overnight is a responsibility of that child in the first place.

They probably met online op, One of the sm platforms or gaming / Discord server, Snap which suggests friends of other friends of other friends etc that you can add as a friend 🙄

My dd is the same age and ND, maybe I’m overprotective but if she went to even a new friend’s house I’d want to know their address and a bit about them, their surname etc. If she had a bf I’d want to know even more detail.

I’d insist on knowing the girl’s name, address, school, and would also be a bit suspect in case the phone number she gave you for her mum was actually just a friend. This all feels way to much for vulnerable 14 year olds, I know you can’t ban them from seeing each other but sounds like some red flags and things need slowing down. Also the robotic baby - is that a thing in other secondary schools? Not something any in our area do? I’ve seen that kind of thing on TV shows years ago as part of sex ed to show teens the reality of looking after a baby, but that was years ago. Or maybe she’s doing a health & social care or childcare course at school? Didn’t think they studied that sort of thing til post 16 though?

In any case, your main duty is safeguarding your ds, and I’d want a lot more info and boundaries moving forwards

They brought them to my girls grammar school 20 years ago and you just signed up if you wanted one. You weren't selected on the basis of putting you off as far as I knew!

She wants a baby at 14? Jesus wept. I would protect your vulnerable son at 14. Pretend you’re helping her. Record her saying to you that her mum has hit her and give it over to police/social services. Yes she may be vulnerable if she’s telling the truth but neither you or your child( yes at 14 he is still a child) are able to handle this shit. Plus if you record her and its the truth- the police/social services have more to go on. Keep this drama out of your life.

She had a robot baby from school for the weekend recently

This jumped out at me. These are lent out to teach teenagers about the responsibilities of parenting, and usually to teenagers who are vulnerable and at risk of having a teenage pregnancy. After a bit of googling everything I have read says that it doesn't work, which is worrying.

You’re not overprotective imo @Ivyy just a good parent.

You should have reported this to the police at the time. They and / or you as well will inform out of hours childrens social care. A duty worker would have seen her today and would have spoken to her last night.
Ringing around family members and assessing the safety of these arrangements is the job of a social worker and not you as boyfriends mum. If she has been assaulted by her mother it's something taken very seriously and not for you to make the decision on that, let the professionals do their job in speaking to those involved. For now just keep her safe and well.

Was that really her mum you texted? Did you see her profile pic?
I think you need to call her this morning and then take this girl down to the police station depending on what the mum says.

You need to get this girl out of your house. Its weird to be so obsessed with having a baby at that age - obsessed to the point your school gives yiu a robot.

Your duty is to your son. They are probably already sleeping together. WTF is a 14 year old doing in a relationship of this intensity?
Nip this crap in the bud today.

The person didn’t answer the call, just replied to a text. The number could belong to anyone- likely not her mother. See if you can find the mum online. I wouldn’t agree for her to stay another night.