Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

[Lemonmeringue76]

For the last few years my DD aged 21 had talked about us doing something special for my next ‘big’ birthday. We have been to London for shows, cocktails and dinner or been on holiday for previous birthdays and always had a lovely time. Or at least I thought we did.

From being very close she has changed towards me recently and become more distant. I’m not sure if this is her age or the fact she is in a new relationship. She texts and phones far less frequently from uni. In the past we had seen a great deal of each other and regularly been out for dinner, spa days, cinema etc. She came home in uni holidays and for weekends.

She is now saying I might not even see her for my birthday, let alone do something special. I feel very hurt. I have no one else but her to celebrate with. I’ve always been a one to make a fuss over her birthdays. I can’t understand why she would be willing to leave me alone on the day.

I don’t expect her to want to live in our village after uni; I expect her to find a job in a bigger city. I don’t think I’ve ever said that. I’d just like to see her on or around special occasions if possible.

But your daughter quite clearly doesn’t want that or she would have stayed in your village and not moved miles away for university.

I don’t think YABU at all but different families have very different cultures I guess. I would def be taking a day off work to visit my mum for a big birthday, and even did so for my now H’s mum’s birthday in the first year we were together. I think expecting your child to celebrate your birthday with you is not at all too much to ask - you just need to find a time that suits you both and perhaps this year that means going to her.

Is it possible that she’s thinking of money - she might be strapped for cash?

Or do you think her boyfriend is in some way not nice, controlling? Not saying you’ve implied that here just wondering what’s between the lines.

Sorry if someone has already said this but do you have any family members you can celebrate with? A sister? I spent my birthday with my son and only my son btw! He is my best friend so why wouldn't I want to spend it with him, I feel your pain 💜

But you have to create a “family” for yourself if you want a large family but are an only child.

That means either having many children or by creating a “family” of friends.

I have quite a large family (most of whom I don’t actually get on with) and also married into a large, very close family.

However, we don’t live near any family members so we created our support network via friendships. We consider our friends as close as family after years of investing in these friendships.

This is all within your power. Instead of passively sitting back and wishing you had a close family, go out there and get one. Put time and effort into relationships outside your DD. At the end of the day, you get out what you put into relationships.

Yes well for many years before I realised I was my mothers emotional support animal I’d have said it was my idea to do stuff with my mum that’s the way enmeshment works, you think you are being a good daughter as your mum lays on the guilt trip.

op , only you know if you gave suffocated her - but any parent who wants their child to celebrate a birthday because they have no one else to spend it with , hmm , that’s not her problem is it, that’s yours.

Many people I know have never left their home village or town and see their families weekly or even more.

This may be so for all the people in your village community, but there is a big wide world out there for many others! My experience is the opposite of yours. I live in a suburb of a city and have a friendship group of 13 people, all in our mid 30s. Out of the 13 Of us, only one is from this city. The rest Of us are from all over the UK and live a couple of hours drive away from family. This is very normal. I visit my family often and they visit me, but I don’t fancy moving back to my home town.

But she hasn't said she won't see you - she just doesn't want to put concrete plans in place nearly six months in advance - which is totally normal.

can i ask Op what do you enjoy ? Yes it is lovely to see your daughter on special occasions but i think going forward ghat may not happen perhaps once a month (12 times a year) so maybe going forward you can start to think what would you like to do ie hobbies etc so you can widen your social circle. You say you live rurally is there a local walking, running,gym, art, group you can join? But have a good think about what you like, what couldn’t you do when your daughter was younger? Also don’t rule out on-line-dating even just for company. Good Luck it’s your time

Oh my goodness. How unkind.

I think some of this is cultural. I grew up on one continent, studied on another, then a third, came back to continent 2, and have briefly lived for a couple of years pre pandemic with DH and 2 kids on a fourth. My friend circle is made up of many 'expats/immigrants' who live many miles and hours from their family, they go home frequently, but have also spread their wings. So I see my dad twice a year (my mum has passed away), but they highly encouraged me to go abroad, get the very best education possible and pursue my dreams. And while they were younger, would also visit me a couple of times a year alongside my visits. So unless one's rural area had many different opportunities, the idea of four generations never moving away for work to me is quite unusual. But I think now that your DD has experienced a different (bigger) world, and she will come into contact with University students like me, who left home at 18 and went to another continent to study, she too might be tempted to spread her wings. I am very grateful that I was able to do this with my parents' emotional support (I got scholarships to fund myself).

@Lemonmeringue76 And she has said, yes on your special occasion, she'll see you 'if possible.' Which is what you said you are asking for. That is the inevitable consequence of growing up and moving away. My FIL's 80th birthday this year falls in term time. We can't travel 14 hours to see him. So we'll do a family holiday, a few months' later. We need to make these plans well in advance because of the distance. In your daughter's case she is closer by and the journey will be much more doable but for now she doesn't want to commit to a date/plan. Surely with a week to go or so, if you make a plan or ask her to make a plan she will book a restaurant or come down and meet you?

YANBU OP. Your DD has spent years talking about doing something special for your big birthday, and now she’s totally letting you down by saying she might not even see you, that’s really mean of her. Of course you’re going to be disappointed. She’s old enough for you to tell her how you feel, she needs to realise her actions have impacts on people and it’s not all about her.

That’s really nasty, shame on you @princesspadam

But you have had 50 year - over 30 as an adult - without having siblings, so it has been up to you to create that 'family'.

'Family' can be "community you have around you" it doesn't have to be blood relatives. There are plenty of people who don't even get on with their siblings. I have one friend in particular who has no siblings, and no cousins. She married quite late and they didn't have dc, but she had no trouble whatsoever finding people to help herself celebrate her 50th. She has built her own life over the years, and indeed, had about 6 different 'occasions' to celebrate her 50th.

The issue here is the pressure you are putting on your dd to be your emotional crutch.
If you were having a big party to celebrate and asked her to put it in her diary, I'm pretty sure she would do. But, as she doesn't yet know her plans for the Summer, and she knows it will just be the two of you, then there is no need to commit to any particular day 5 months ahead. She knows you can arrange to meet up when she knows her plans more clearly.

Is it possible she's being non committal because she's planning to surprise you on the day?

My daughter was going to do this last year for my 50th but only lasted a couple of weeks before admitting she'd never had any intention to not come home for the weekend!

If u read this OP & just dismiss what I’m saying I’ll start by saying I’m a widowed only child, no parents nor in laws. Our daughter is a bit older than yours.
I was in the same situation when I turned 50 & arranged my own birthday - first big one since my husband died.
U have said yourself that u visited ur daughter regularly & slept on her floor. That u dedicated ur time to ur job and daughter. That was ur choice. Your daughter does not owe u, nor is she ur emotional crutch. If u keep up with this behaviour u are likely to push her away even more.
When she used to come home for previous uni holidays it was to see her boyfriend not just for you. Now things have changed. Although it’s hard at this point in life u need to be more self sufficient & be proactive in finding friends. Try everything.
Please stop relying on ur daughter or you will end up very lonely.

Your daughter is embarking on adult life. She has more people in her life than she did as a child. Some of those people will be more important to her than you are. That trend is likely to continue, so you might as well start getting used to it. Why can't you organise your own birthday party?

Maybe she has plans for the summer, wants to travel, work abroad, be with her boyfriend. She can't commit to being with you on your 50th atm. It is a fair way off still. Maybe have a Plan B in case she doesn't come home - treat yourself to a nice day out or an event. In the meantime think about how you can develop some new or better friendships (clubs, Meet Up?) so that you don't depend on your DD so much. Maybe plan a holiday where you join a group of solo's.

I have read a fair amount of your answers to peoples questions and will leave that there as least said soonest mended with regards to their opinions. Is there a chance you think that your daughter is being controlled. Lack of communication and distancing are usually red flags. You sound lovely, have done your best, are not controlling and absolutely not expecting anything out of the ordinary. If that is your fear you are right to be concerned.

I think big milestone birthdays like this can make you feel really crap unless you have several close friends or even just one really great one. Just like Christmas can be a really awful time for lonely people. And unfortunately it can put pressure on your child if they have fallen into the role of your BFF.

OP, I think you probably do need to get out and make more friends. There are probably loads of people in your area in the same boat as you are, who would love to be your friend and celebrate your birthday. Are there any hobby courses run by your local library or colleges? Or any local groups that fit your interests?

You say you don't want that, but your posts absolutely read as though that is what you'd prefer. You'd like her to have a "home boyfriend" so she has to be home more. You idealise families in your area where nobody leaves and they all live in each other's pockets. I'm afraid it's difficult to believe what you're saying here.

Her uni city is very far away and a pain to get to. She’d always hoped to get a job in London and do the girl in the city flat share thing. I have very much encouraged her to live in London while she’s young as she won’t be able to afford to buy there and it would be fun to experience for a bit.

I do not know how you have inferred this from so little information. They only met in November and he has been abroad a lot of the time since. They barely know each other and I am sincerely hoping she doesn’t rush into long term commitment at 21.

Definitely not been unreasonable

i remember my mum having a big birthday when I was in my early 20’s. I was beyond excited to plan stuff.

considering she made the suggestion and she’s now done a u turn, could you gently dig a bit deeper? Could it be money or the nee partner thats put a spanner in the works? The fact she’s suddenly avoiding you would make me worry if you have always been close.