Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

[Lemonmeringue76]

For the last few years my DD aged 21 had talked about us doing something special for my next ‘big’ birthday. We have been to London for shows, cocktails and dinner or been on holiday for previous birthdays and always had a lovely time. Or at least I thought we did.

From being very close she has changed towards me recently and become more distant. I’m not sure if this is her age or the fact she is in a new relationship. She texts and phones far less frequently from uni. In the past we had seen a great deal of each other and regularly been out for dinner, spa days, cinema etc. She came home in uni holidays and for weekends.

She is now saying I might not even see her for my birthday, let alone do something special. I feel very hurt. I have no one else but her to celebrate with. I’ve always been a one to make a fuss over her birthdays. I can’t understand why she would be willing to leave me alone on the day.

do you have any hobbies or interests that could lead you to meeting like minded people? I have met lots of friends through my hobbies.

also, yes sisters would be nice. Mine would help me hide a body if i asked them to and they’re always up for a good time. But not everyone gets them unfortunately. If it’s any consultation though my siblings are great but we are kind of trauma bonded because our mum was abusive. So everyone gets a different hand in life and you have to just make the best of it.

I've spent most of my adult life single (no kids yet).

Some past birthdays have been:

• booking a meal at a nice pub and inviting a bunch of friends
• taking myself off on a solo mini break somewhere exciting
• low key celebration having dinner with one or two close friends

It's not fair to expect your DD to be your main source of friendship. You need to build multiple important relationships in your life. Otherwise you will end up feeling in competition with her partner and friends.

Also the summer is months away. I can see why, in a new relationship, she doesn't know yet what her plans will be. She may well decide closer to the time that she can see you for your birthday.

Tell DD you'd love to see her but that she can decide closer to the time. And then use this as a wake up call to start to make your social life fuller, pick up some sociable hobbies, maybe even try dating if you fancy it.

I didn’t think it was thy unusual. I have stayed with dd1 once as she invited my youngest sister and I to go out for her for her 21st with her uni friends. Dd1 invited us both to stay in her room. Youngest sister is only 6 years older than dd1 and I guess I am a younger parent.

All of dd1s friends thought it was great that her mum and auntie were staying and kept saying things like “I love the relationship you guys have”. So it may not be everyone’s normal but I don’t think it’s something that would get made fun of if you have that sort of relationship. We’re all different.

This is an excellent post ^

You are far too enmeshed with your poor daughter @Lemonmeringue76. She's trying hard to set some boundaries but all you seem to want to do is ride roughshod over those boundaries and stay enmeshed. This is not the way forward, unless you want to end up with a daughter who goes NC with you

@Whataninterestinglookingpotato once for a big birthday when the whole household was involved in celebrating may be seen a bit differently to an extra adult in the house several times in a year. Bit equally the DD may have said that as she wanted to keep her own space (or have her boyfriend over) and felt it kinder to push the blame onto a housemate

@Lemonmeringue76 I don’t think anyone expects you to make friends overnight but let’s fast forward to your 60th. Your DD is 31, she is married and lives in Australia/San Francisco/Cape Town and can’t fly back. What happens then?

You are worried she will do a longer summer job at her uni city. You are worried she dumped the ‘home’ boyfriend even though he clearly made no effort with her. Can you see how very subtly you are making it clear to her that if she steps out of your orbit for a prolonged period of time, you will disapprove?

Is it common to visit kids at Uni frequently? My parents came 3-4 times in 3 years and graduation. And mostly because they were going to be in the city or to visit people. Uni life was my life. Uni terms are not particularly long.

As other people have said you need multiple friendship groups. I have some old friends from school and Uni, some work friends, some neighbourhood friends, some friends with a common hobby- they enrich different parts of my life and I met them at different stages in my life. You can’t go back and re-do your life but if you look at my opening question what can you do over the next ten years so that you are not solely reliant on your DD for your 60th?

Could you invite your daughter and her boyfriend to do something with you together? Maybe a nice meal and a few drinks? Its a good way to show her you'd like to get to know him.

Then with all due respect, if you crave social interaction you need to find it elsewhere. Take up a hobby or two, join a club, or similar. Your DD is not your friend first and foremost, she’s your child and she’s very naturally growing up and living her own life.

YABU on the upcoming 50th: your DC has done loads with you 1:1 until recently and it’s understandable for her to want to plan her summer and keep that free rather than make a commitment to you at this point.

YABU to be upset that your DD is now dating a man in her university location. Her future ‘home’ may not be where it used to be for her, where you still live.

YANBU to be concerned about her choices and behaviour in romantic relationships: tricky one to navigate. There are some good threads about that.

YANBU to feel lonely and dissatisfied with your own circumstances.

I have similarly prioritised parenting and work over social relationships. think it’ll be challenging when DC become more independent and likely move away. It’s my problem to work on, though, not DCs’.

I'm not that poster, but as someone who's single and not super close to my own family, I rely on a network of close friends.

Some I have known since childhood, others only a year or two. I've met them through school, hobbies, uni clubs, work, political activism, even online dating. But all of those friendships have continued long past the original activity stopped. I invest a lot in those friendships, doing fun things together and giving and receiving support.

@Lemonmeringue76 Are you more upset your daughter isn't bothered about your birthday or the lack of celebrations? If the former then I
think you might need to just put aside your daughter's thoughtfulness and chalk it up to youth and self focus.

Suggest you see her on or around your birthday, may be just lunch to take the pressure off you both.

On the lack of celebrations, I think it's understandable to see how a working single mum has struggled to make friendship groups, especially if slightly introvert. However perhaps see your birthday as a crossroads where you get to decide how you want your 60th to be - work towards that goal.

There is often too much hype over big birthdays, it is a day. Do something nice for yourself.

I’m also going to agree that you’re too enmeshed with your daughter. Yes, it would be nice if she could find some time to spend with you for your birthday, I don’t believe she doesn’t have at least one or two free days. But I also wonder if she’s pulling away because she feels suffocated.

In my experience, once your children start growing up, the people you spend the most time with will be your partner, and your friends. I appreciate you don’t have a partner, but it does seem like you’ve prioritised work and your daughter to the extent there’s now no one else in your life. As someone upthread said, what happens if she chooses to move very far away? You need your own life.

I had a big birthday, my celebrations were all with my husband and friends. I didn’t even see one of my kids as they’re at uni, didn’t see them on Mothers Day either. A chat over FaceTime was more than sufficient. I know my kids love me and enjoy spending time with me, but I’m also well aware they have their own lives going on.

I think it’s a little sad that she can’t commit to a time to celebrate your birthday. Given she knows how much it means to you. I’m sure you’d be flexible about the actual day. Personally, I’d be more concerned about her relationships, particularly their intensity.

I think she probably COULD commit but she's trying her best to draw some boundaries to stop the enmeshed relationship continuing

I think she doesn’t wants to commit, in February, to something specific in the summer, until she knows more about job or holiday plans.

We're barely in March and OP's birthday isn't until August. Unless they need to book advance tickets to a sell-out show or something, there's no need to have plans set in stone this far in advance.

I think it might be that she doesn’t know her summer plans yet and can’t commit. I’ll leave it to nearer the time and see if she is free at all sometime near the day and make it a bit more casual.

I think pps’ attitudes to family is quite strange however. As I said earlier, maybe it’s cultural. I live quite rurally. Many people I know have never left their home village or town and see their families weekly or even more. One friend has afternoon tea with four generations of her family every Sunday afternoon.

Many young adult DC of that age and in OP’s DD’s situation will want to plan summer paid and unpaid work, fun trips with the person they’re dating or friends, housing for the next year and so on. That could well mean not prioritising being available on specific dates OP would like - not unreasonable IMO.

I don’t think what you describe is all that common for UK university students/graduates, OP. (living and working in the same area they grew up, visiting parents frequently, doing lots for their parents etc)

I think it might be that she doesn’t know her summer plans yet and can’t commit. I’ll leave it to nearer the time and see if she is free at all sometime near the day

You're simply not listening @Lemonmeringue76

I'm out.

No.

Maybe not but I feel society is poorer for it. I feel extended families were a much more supportive structure.

You're really not listening to what people are telling you - presumably because it means you'd have to confront your own issues and you're not quite there yet.

The fact that you live rurally is totally irrelevant, btw.

But you can't make your DD responsible for fixing your feelings around society, which is what you're doing. It's grossly unfair and all you're going to do is push her even further away from you.

Many people I know have never left their home village or town and see their families weekly or even more. One friend has afternoon tea with four generations of her family every Sunday afternoon.

I feel so bad for your daughter.

You are relentless.

She is telling you very clearly that this won’t be happening, but you think it’s either her new boyfriend’s fault, or that she doesn’t know her summer plans yet.

The truth is, she doesn’t want to be your emotional support animal.

I’d be surprised if she returns “home” after university at all.