Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

[Lemonmeringue76]

For the last few years my DD aged 21 had talked about us doing something special for my next ‘big’ birthday. We have been to London for shows, cocktails and dinner or been on holiday for previous birthdays and always had a lovely time. Or at least I thought we did.

From being very close she has changed towards me recently and become more distant. I’m not sure if this is her age or the fact she is in a new relationship. She texts and phones far less frequently from uni. In the past we had seen a great deal of each other and regularly been out for dinner, spa days, cinema etc. She came home in uni holidays and for weekends.

She is now saying I might not even see her for my birthday, let alone do something special. I feel very hurt. I have no one else but her to celebrate with. I’ve always been a one to make a fuss over her birthdays. I can’t understand why she would be willing to leave me alone on the day.

@Lemonmeringue76 people are suggesting you give your DD space and allow her to fully fledge as an adult. You are obviously struggling with this. They are normally and healthy needs she has, to be separate and live her own life.

You have some friendships, but they sound like they've been a low priority to you. It sounds like you struggle to be by yourself and this is why I've suggested therapy. I'm single with no family except my adult DC. I have a life of my own. I see my friends, but I also spend a lot of time (happily) on my own and do my own things.

Do you know why you're not able to do this and enjoy this? You sound like you can't be happy unless your DD is there for you. Your feelings are valid and there will be reasons why you feel this way, I'm sure. You need to spend the time and energy you're currently spending focusing on why your DD is pulling away (which is entirely normal) looking at why you find it so hard to be alone and make a life for yourself. This is something to do with a therapist. I have a feeling there is a sense of loss here and I'm sure it's more than the loss of your DD growing up and moving away.

Posters have made suggestions to you about how to go about things and you haven't once said 'yes, I'm going to do this'. There's something bigger at play here. I know it's difficult to look at yourself but I think it could be really good for you. It will also benefit your relationship with your daughter if you can face your own neediness.

I have a big birthday coming up and while I have a husband and young children who I will do something with, I also have plans with various groups of friends of different things to do (e.g. one set of friends we will do a meal, another friend I will suggest a craft activity followed by tea and cake).
I think people are right in that you have been focusing on your daughter and have forgotten to build a life for yourself. Do you have any hobbies or interests? This could be the year you do something new.

Your daughter is getting older and there is the chance that she will stay in the city she is at uni at and won't return home. What will you do then?

Il come! 50 is so worth celebrating!

Also my mum has a friend who never married and never had children. She has built a life for herself. She goes on trips away with friends (for example my mum and her will be going to London to see a show) and when it is her birthday they usually all meet up. She does have a sibling and they have children so she does spend time with them, but she isn't dependent on them.

You seem to think people only focus on family but you need to build relationships with others too.

The tone of this thread is not this at all.

People are generally suggesting the OP makes more friends now that her Dd is more independent and living a fair way away.

This is what I meant. Yes it’s important to recognise important family events etc, but the OP is coming across as one who has absolutely no one to spend her birthday with ( I’m sorry to read this OP) and is therefore putting pressure on her DD.

I meant a lot over the whole 18 months she’s been there. I don’t go up that often per term. Last year I did do a few to watch comps and also went up for Mothers’ day then in June to move out of halls.

This seems like quite a lot to me, especially as she has been coming home as well during some of that period when she had her hometown boyfriend.

As I said I used to have a more active social life with friends from work but this has dropped off since Covid. No one seems to be very interested in doing things out of work anymore. We used to regularly have meals out or go to the cinema or theatre. Some of that is members of the team changing or their life circumstances changing e.g having babies or commuting further

Have you asked your DD if everything is ok with her or if something is wrong because as this is a change in her behaviour it may be something is going on in her life that is affecting her behaviour or she could simply be busy living her adult life.
People view birthdays differently but i can understand your stress if there has been a change in how birthdays are celebrated in your family.
I understand those saying a n adult child should not be obligated in any way but think it unusual in an otherwise happy family if for no specific reason an adult daughter would not want to celebrate a "big "birthday with their mother .
I would ask her if everythings ok ,if she says yes ,id ask (without malice or pressure) why she doesnt want to celebrate with you at some point in some way.
Bottom line thoug is if she doesnt want to celbrate your birthday with you thats her choice and i wouldn't hold it against her .

@Lemonmeringue76 have you suggested things and been declined?

I do also think that an “in advance” plan for a birthday is a different beast to a “hey, who fancies a drink tomorrow night” - you may well get more responses to the former.

Solely relying on work colleagues to meet your social needs is almost as bad as solely relying on your DD, though.

I do get how hard it is now. I'm always worried that if my current friendships drift that I won't be able to find new ones because you're right, things have changed a lot since COVID.

Do you at least have some hobbies and interests of your own?

I completely agree that OPs dd is a young adult who needs to live her life, but to me, part of being a decent adult is being considerate of other people and their feelings. OPs DD had made plans to do something special and now she is back tracking.

I would say that OP is a bit unreasonable to assume she should see her on her actual birthday. This may not be possible with uni commitments but you’d expect her to be available for a day around the date of the birthday to do something nice with her mum. Especially as she is on her own.

i was lucky for my big birthday last year that it was before dd1 went back to uni and I booked a holiday she wanted to go on with us for us all. I wouldn’t necessarily expect her to come back from uni if it wasn’t convenient but I have DH and dd2 at home as well as some good friends I could do things with so it is a different situation.

I am lucky I suppose that we are the family dd1 and her boyfriend would choose to come and stay with if they want to be together outside of uni. Our house is smaller and we are not as wealthy but we are 20 years younger and more fun and welcoming than her boyfriend’s parents. Could you invite your dd and her boyfriend to do something OP? She might be more keen for that?

I have said no to a couple of friends having big birthdays because stuff was arranged last minute. Had they been booked in earlier, I would have been able to make domestic arrangements to go.

I am very intrigued who you do feel one should rely on then ? Or do you disapprove of relying on anyone? I see friends and acquaintances with sisters and feel that I would have loved sisters but, unfortunately, that was not to be.

Do you have any friends from your DD’s school that you can start to reconnect with? As they are likely to be at the same time of life as you and not off having babies etc.

Otherwise, I think you should try to broaden your interests and activities in order to meet likeminded people.

See this as a wake-up call as this situation is only going to get worse as your DD gets older and creates a life for herself. It must be a huge amount of pressure for your DD to be the only significant person in your life.

I completely agree with you. I always celebrated my parent’s birthdays and now take my single sibling out for their birthday. I would be very hurt too.

if she cannot make it on the actual day can she come the weekend before? By any chance is she organising a surprise? If not it is the new relationship.

I genuinely hope she does something nice for you. You sound like a lovely mother.

I completely agree with you. I always celebrated my parent’s birthdays and now take my single sibling out for their birthday. I would be very hurt too.

if she cannot make it on the actual day can she come the weekend before? By any chance is she organising a surprise? If not it is the new relationship.

I genuinely hope she does something nice for you. You sound like a lovely mother.

One of the people you can learn to rely on is yourself. Your work mates or casual friendships are not there to fill the emotional space left by your daughter growing up and becoming a separate adult. You clearly think 'everyone else' is much more fortunate than you and I wonder how this comes across to the other people in your life.

You don’t rely on any one person (or group of people) to meet all your needs - you have to make an effort with multiple groups and individuals over time, and spend time nurturing multiple relationships so that you’re not depending on person all the time.

@Lemonmeringue76 I honestly don’t think it’s appropriate for a parent to stay over in the bedroom of a shared uni house whether that is halls or a private rental. You need to book a premier inn or Travelodge. I imagine a teenager would get teased for that. You need to allow DD some space & start making your own friends.

I think it’s ok to socialise with work colleagues but I would not count work colleagues as lifelong friends rather passing friends who likely move on once they change jobs.

Exactly.

OP I posted earlier about being suffocated in a similar relationship with my mother. I’m sure she was lonely but I had to exert boundaries to maintain my mental health. We struggled for a few years, she called me selfish etc but I held the line.

To offer hope - like you she had one childhood best friend that lived far away. They naturally see a bit more of each other now as the kids have grown. My mother has taken up two hobbies (something I thought would never happen!) and has new friends. Often she’s now so busy with them she hardly has time when I visit!

So things can change. My mother is still over reliant on me, sadly I doubt I can ever fully change this. You should think about how to build a separate life for yourself. Put aside cinema and drinks, think about what interests you and where you can meet people to learn or do something new together.

My kids are near their final years of University and I have never heard of a parent staying in a child’s room. We all book hotels or do day trips.

And this will actually be my first Mother’s Day alone in my early 50s as one child is studying hard at University and the other is overseas. We will do a FaceTime if time zones allow and I am going to treat myself to a takeaway! It is wonderful to have children who are thriving and doing their own thing. I prefer this over a child who has failed to launch and is staying at home with me, or has MH issues etc. I consider this a privilege in many ways and am grateful. Perhaps you could be too. I think you said she’s representing her University at something, that is incredible. You should celebrate that!

I think you need to separate the two issues. Your daughter not wanting to see you for your birthday, and your lack of a social life. They are two separate things and need to be addressed separately.

Do you a WI or womens shed nearby, have you a bookclub or sports you are interested in. Do you have parents friends you made when you child was in school.