Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

[Lemonmeringue76]

For the last few years my DD aged 21 had talked about us doing something special for my next ‘big’ birthday. We have been to London for shows, cocktails and dinner or been on holiday for previous birthdays and always had a lovely time. Or at least I thought we did.

From being very close she has changed towards me recently and become more distant. I’m not sure if this is her age or the fact she is in a new relationship. She texts and phones far less frequently from uni. In the past we had seen a great deal of each other and regularly been out for dinner, spa days, cinema etc. She came home in uni holidays and for weekends.

She is now saying I might not even see her for my birthday, let alone do something special. I feel very hurt. I have no one else but her to celebrate with. I’ve always been a one to make a fuss over her birthdays. I can’t understand why she would be willing to leave me alone on the day.

Kids her age don't know what they're doing tomorrow let alone in the summer, but more than that, she's a young adult not your crutch. If she's not got big plans later in the summer, hopefully she will do something with you.

But your post isn’t about ‘society’ it’s about you, your situation (no other family, partner, close friends), your relationship with your DD and her situation.

It seems that your wishes about amount of time you spend together, how often she visits you, your birthday etc now vary from your DDs’.

I think your DD’s behaviour is completely natural at her age. You need too not rely on her for social occasions and celebrations. Take the attitude that if she comes then fantastic, but if not that’s ok too and you can do something by yourself or with someone else. I have sons in their 20s, if I see them it’s a bonus. If not I still enjoy myself.

But that’s not what your daughter wants for her own life. She’s not juat an extension of you and your needs - maybe she would feel suffocated if she stayed in your local village and never moved away.

In terms of support systems, family is not the only option - you could build your iwn support system through friends, hobbies, local community etc. but you don’t seem to want to do that.

Having children doesn’t give you a life-long guarantee of companionship and support and a get-out-of-jail free card from having to make your own friends and have your own interests.

I had some sympathy at the beginning of the thread but your self-pity and blinkered attitude is pretty grating.

This thread is so sad. People are repeatedly, consistently and clearly telling you what the issue is OP, and you're ignoring all their suggestions and remaining stubbornly focused on your own needs and perspective, not your daughter's.

Several posters, myself included, have shared their experiences of being the daughter in this situation, and how difficult it was, and how, ultimately, it strained the relationship with our parents.

I hope, for your daughter's sake, you're eventually able to think about this in a different way.

DD seems hard, hurtful, unkind and selfish to me. She should be arranging something special for OP, who has made a fuss of her and given her lovely birthdays. I don’t like the way some are inferring that the OP is pathetic and relying on her daughter too much. To me, OP doesn’t come over like that at all.

What?

What thread are you reading?! 🤔

The vote is quite close but most of the comments are AIBU. I guess I just idealise the close families I see in my local community and would have loved that myself.

The vote will likely just be based off your OP, not your other comments.

It's never a good idea to idealise other people's families and relationships.

Same as you, with a different pov, obviously!

You mention extended family in your community, but not sure if you have parents/brothers/others around (I know you don’t have sisters).

You and DD are close. But ultimately, right now, she is 3h away and may continue to live far away even after uni. That doesn’t mean you won’t chat or visit, but it will be different from here on in (and probably would have been different a little earlier than this if it wasn’t for the hometown boyfriend)

She’s launching into the world. Be proud!

No my parents no longer with us and no siblings. Ex partner but not close to his family.

A close family could be great but when there is just two of you it becomes overwhelming and all-consuming, especially when one of you have to find their independence and grow.

@Lemonmeringue76you can have that relationship with your dd but you also need to let her have her own relationships and friendships and you need to do the same.

you can be close to your daughter and still have other meaningful friendships. But you have to make an effort to rekindle old ones and pick up new ones. Did you make any mum friends when your dd started school? They are likely to have children at the same stage of life as you.

Launching into the world doesn’t stop you being kind, thoughtful and sensitive.

I don't disagree entirely, but I think you are idealising the idea of extended families. Yes, they can be joyful and offer a support network. But they can be restricting, judgemental, mask a lot of unhappiness and hold people back from fulfilling their own aspirations. Especially for women and girls imo.

Other people's ideas of family aren't strange OP. You just live in some weird backwater and have decided that because you know a few families that live in each other's pockets, that that is a societal norm. It isn't. It's just how you want it to be. What a weight to put on your DD.

I've only read your updates, so probably repeating what others have said, but FWIW I don't think it's unreasonable at all to expect your DD to find a day to celebrate a milestone birthday in a 2 month period! In fact, I was doing a uni year abroad for my DM's and I cut my summer short to make sure I'd be there.

I also don't find it odd that you want to celebrate with family and don't have friends to do so. I celebrate birthdays with DH and kids, and sometimes DM and DB. I occasionally also have an outing with old uni friends, but that's never on the day. My other friends and I are not in the habit of doing birthday celebrations. So if I didn't have family, I wouldn't have anyone either.

I would have a frank chat with your DD that you'd really like to do something to celebrate with her, that you're happy to keep it low-key, travel to her, work around her schedule, and give her some time if she doesn't want to commit now. All things I think you've said, which frankly makes you sound more than reasonable!

Longer term, I would look at building up your social circle. Gives you a goal for the next decade 🙂

As parents it's natural that we want to celebrate our children's birthdays. The day we are celebrating is very special and is important to all of us, parents and child.

Its nice if children want to celebrate a parent's birthday but it doesn't have the same meaning (to me, anyway). I don't expect a child to want to celebrate in the same way they would celebrate their own child's.

Maybe there are members in these families who are secretly resentful, and relations are not as close to “The Waltons” as you think. Afternoon tea every Sunday without fail for all generations suggests quite a small insulated world - your daughter is living in a different world, a wider one with breadth.

i was the daughter in very similar circumstances. My mum would never have understood my viewpoint, it would have been labelled harsh, hard and cruel. She was a product of 70’s parenting where children were seen as an extension of their parents.

Staying in uni accom is a red herring, I don’t think the physical set up is the crux of the matter. I have stayed in my son’s room once for convenience and cost, he was in a different room. I’ve literally only been to his uni city about 4 times in 3 years so hardly overstepping. He comes home when it works for him - no pressure on “special days / occasions”.

Agree 100% with this.

We live rurally and it's quite like that round here. But DH and I both grew up in towns/cities, we both moved away for uni and never moved back. That was quite normal. YABVU to expect your DD who is bright enough to go to uni to want to limit herself by coming home to live like your villager neighbours. I know my DC are unlikely to settle here, there are hardly any jobs, for a start, unless it's agriculture.

DM lives near us now and I see her regularly, but when I was your DD's age, I really needed a break, and only saw her every 3-4 months or so. Don't get me wrong, I think doing something for your special birthday with her by itself is not much to ask. But you are coming across as rather needy and over reliant on your DD emotionally, and that's not really fair at her age when developmentally she needs to separate and become independent.

I think one of your posts asked about who you're supposed to "rely on" if not family. The thing is, relying on someone also requires the other person to consent to being relied upon. Your DD at this moment in time does not want you relying on her as your sole source of emotional support, social activity and company. At her age it is healthy to be establishing herself as an independent adult and not relying solely on you for those things either. If your relationship has been quite intense, space and distance might not be a bad thing. You may be closer at a later stage if you can tolerate the distance now and let her spread her wings.

You seem to be overcomplicating a fairly simple issue: that you’re way too dependent on your DD, and you need to take several steps back. Appreciate you’ve prioritised your career and being a single mum over your friendships, and perhaps COVID also has some part to play, but your expectations of her are limiting. She may have been more inclined to spend that time with you if it wasn’t an expectation.