Parents moved 6 hours away AIBU to not be keen to visit often?

[Juniperberry2025]

title should have said visit with baby, sorry

I am in my very early 30s and recently welcomed my first child last year. I have been raised in the place I live currently since age 4 (south of England), but was born and lived initially in the north east. My life, job, partner, friends and some family all live in the south where I live. I consider this to be my home.

In 2024 just before I fell pregnant my parents (Dad and Stepmother) moved back to hometown 6 hours away. I have visited twice but not since baby was born. Admittedly I was very upset when they decided to leave but I’m an adult and self sufficient so am fine without them here, though I am sad to have missed out on having a ‘village’.

They have been here to meet their grandchild twice since their birth. It’s quite stressful hosting as they don’t really understand that baby has a nap routine and other requirements and our house is very small but we have still spent lots of time with them when they came to visit.

They are constantly asking me to commit to travelling to them with the baby. Baby hates the car and partner works most weekends so it would be me and baby in the car alone and I am just generally not keen on going yet.

AIBU to not agree to a visit yet until baby is better in the car?

YABU - put your big girl pants on and go and see your family

YANBU - prioritise your baby, they chose to leave so onus is on them

Can you go another way eg by train or plane?

They moved away, it's on them to do the travelling, not a mother with a small baby who gets distressed by car travel.

Opposite here in that I moved 5 hours away from parents. We do travel to them around 2 times a year but it is very difficult, especially not having all our usual things around us and feeling like we have to be ‘out’ more as the kids don’t have all their toys etc. They come to us more often, maybe 3-4 times a year. I think you’re not unreasonable to wait until car travel is easier. It’s much much easier for them to travel to you seeing as they have no children.

YANBU - if I were you I would explain you don't feel ready yet to travel that far with baby alone, especially as they don't like the car. You'd love to see them and would appreciate it if they could do more travelling whilst baby is so little then once you feel more confident to make the journey with them you will be able to travel to them sometimes too.

Let them come to you and stay in a hotel - I'd pay for the hotel if you can afford that. Tell them it's a treat - anything to stop them staying with you and disturbing routine.

A 6 hour trip with a one year old is a nightmare, multiple stops probably a hotel to break it up, etc, etc.

Set your boundaries now.

How old is your baby currently?

Watching this with interest I'm planning a similar move later this year and will be coming back and forth to visit my mum who has refused to join me and won't travel that far for visits.

I’m a bit anxious of travelling by train in general to be honest but have said I would fly! SM said I might as well drive as they’re still an hour from the airport… she’s very particular in her ways

I’m a grandmother and live near my dd and her family. Nothing in the world would have made me move away from them. But I’m not a stepmother.

Thank you, last time they visited they did stay elsewhere which was good.

8 months! I just don’t think I’m ok with putting either us through the stress of the journey

Surely they realised when they chose to move such a distance away that this would be the consequence?

No, I wouldn't be making that journey.

Which is fair enough. It's certainly not up to your SM to dictate how you make the journey if you choose to either.

We used to do a 4 hour journey to visit family from when DD was about 15 months and didn't find it too bad, but she didn't mind the car.

Could you meet half way and stay somewhere for a weekend?
I still wouldn't be doing it until the baby is a bit older though because even 3 hours in TH car would be hard

My baby is just turned 9 months and I wouldn't even do it for a wedding or a funeral to be honest. With the breaks the baby will need it will be more like 10+ hours. Mines a screamer in the car and I couldn't hack it. An hour coincided with a nap time is the limit.

@Juniperberry2025 Could you fly? Much quicker!

Tell them, they moved away, it was a well thought out plan. They are retired I imagine. You are not travelling without your H, who has work obligations, you’ll see how it pans out in the summer, baby older, sunshine, holiday. but unfortunately they must have known the distance they created was a decidedly limiting factor.

God no, if they want to see you they can travel. At 8 months one of mine would start screaming after half an hour in the car and carry on till we stopped. We barely went anywhere more than an hour of driving for ages, just wasn’t worth it.

I wouldn’t entertain any emotional blackmail either.

They moved. They shouldn't be guilting you like this. They need to live with their choices, and respect yours ( and the child's tolerance for travel).

Well it’s OP’s father who also moved so let’s not put all the responsibility on the step mum.

@OhDear111 not good enough for step mother apparently.

This now, is absolutely the time to set your boundaries going forward @Juniperberry2025

Your first "no" may be difficult but unless you are firm from the outset, you will be twisting yourself in knots, trying to appease for time immemorial.

Do not do that to yourself and your wee family. Be brave

This.

Where do they stay OP when they visit?

There is a lot of emotional blackmail going on and that’s what I’m struggling with. In my mind it’s not my problem that they chose to leave, they knew we would have child/ren at some point!

I’m moving 2 hours away soon so only a third of the distance your dad and stepmother has moved away but I’ve told friends with small babies I don’t expect them to come and visit until their kids are a bit older etc and said I’m the one moving so I’ll pop back and see them as and when.

I wouldn’t personally be so keen to take a baby 6 hours drive away. We’ve done flights and Eurostar with young babies once a year but I wouldn’t be up for travelling often.

They have to remember they are the ones that chose to move away, maybe say you’ll get a plane up when little one is about 18 months onwards once a year to visit. But I’d expect them to make most of the effort

My mum moans I don’t visit her often enough. She moved abroad and return plane tickets for 4 of us is at least £400. Then there’s car hire, airport parking, cost of food and snack in the airport and on the plane etc. my mum thinks because she is feeding us and we aren’t paying bills at home that it will all even out. It doesn’t! Has anyone ever gone on holiday and seen cheaper bills!

She doesn’t like coming back to the UK because it means getting trains and she is worried about falling over on train platforms. She’s not elderly, she’s 65 and has no mobility problems, she’s just turned into a nervous Nelly. Which is sad but I’m not spending around £1000 I don’t have to just because she may or may not fall over.

"There is a lot of emotional blackmail going on" nip it in the bud @Juniperberry2025

Don't be guilt tripped, I know that's easier said than done though.