Parents moved 6 hours away AIBU to not be keen to visit often?

[Juniperberry2025]

title should have said visit with baby, sorry

I am in my very early 30s and recently welcomed my first child last year. I have been raised in the place I live currently since age 4 (south of England), but was born and lived initially in the north east. My life, job, partner, friends and some family all live in the south where I live. I consider this to be my home.

In 2024 just before I fell pregnant my parents (Dad and Stepmother) moved back to hometown 6 hours away. I have visited twice but not since baby was born. Admittedly I was very upset when they decided to leave but I’m an adult and self sufficient so am fine without them here, though I am sad to have missed out on having a ‘village’.

They have been here to meet their grandchild twice since their birth. It’s quite stressful hosting as they don’t really understand that baby has a nap routine and other requirements and our house is very small but we have still spent lots of time with them when they came to visit.

They are constantly asking me to commit to travelling to them with the baby. Baby hates the car and partner works most weekends so it would be me and baby in the car alone and I am just generally not keen on going yet.

AIBU to not agree to a visit yet until baby is better in the car?

YABU - put your big girl pants on and go and see your family

YANBU - prioritise your baby, they chose to leave so onus is on them

TBH at that distance I’d probably go once a year. Let them come to you, and if you don’t really have enough room, let them stay at a Premier Inn. My Dsis and BiL invariably stay at the local P Inn when visiting their son, DiL, and Gdcs. Added advantage for them, is P&Q in the early morning and during breakfast!

Absolutely not.
I actually wouldn't entertain this for a minute.
No one can force you to feel guilt.
You have a choice to take it on.
Don't.

They moved.
Their choice.
Your baby.
Your choice not to do that journey.
I wouldn't dream of putting myself or my baby through such a journey.
Mute their calls and texts if needs be.

Same. None of us would ever move away from each other. Sister, sons, niece, DIL. I know of a son that moved 1000 miles away from family and childhood friends. His wife moans no one goes to visit them. They had a choice and now they’re blaming others. Crack on.

Spot on x

Train journeys are actually easier than car with a wee one as you can move about.
Especially if they’re in an infant style car seat as it fits nicely on the seat so you can put them down for a minute or they can nap. I always chose train with mine (especially the twins) as it was easier - you can organise passenger assistance and other passengers are always helpful.

That said, if your Dad isn’t even willing to pick you up at the other end and they expect you to do it all solo I wouldn’t be keen either.

It's on them to travel.

My DHs dad and step-mum did the same thing. My DH is one of 4 kids, and none of them live any further north than Nottingham. Step-mum doesn't have any bio kids. Yet dad and step-mum have moved to the far north of the Scottish highlands. Absolutely batshit. Neither had any ties to the area. They were both born and bought up in Berkshire for crying out loud.

As one, all the kids pretty much shrugged and said, "on your heads be it." There's nothing that any of them can offer from an 8 hour car ride away.

They've been up there about 4 years now. We've seen them twice. None of the grandkids have any sort of significant relationship with them. Our two kids are the oldest grandchildren, and were 4 when they moved away, but hadn't seen much of them before that.

They sound ridiculously control. I would tell them you can either fly (you should be able to take a car seat with you but I would tell them they need to buy one tbh) if you can afford else they will have to wait until you and DH go on holiday and you will combine it with a day visit to them.

@Juniperberry2025 so she moved down briefly to the south & then convinced your Dad to go back up there because she wants to be up there. It sounds like she’s the one calling the shots. Honestly your Dad could just come down on his own to see you all. That would be far easier than you taking a baby up there. I think if they would pick you up at the airport that would help. I don’t think step mum has your best interests at heart.

Honestly, @Juniperberry2025 they are fine with not seeing you often. Whatever they are saying in words, their behaviour is making it clear that they are not that interested in you or your baby. I'm speaking as someone who's mother retired abroad when my kids were v young. She made such a bloody fuss about visiting and being a grandmother, talking about how it would be wonderful and the kids could go and stay for weeks at a time every single school holiday. In reality, i only went once. I spent £££ on flights and she was awful to us the whole time, visibly annoyed by the disruption to her drinking time routine, complaining constantly about the children, who she mostly ignored anyway. I came home exhausted and upset and didn't go again.

It's still a massive taboo to admit that you're not interested in your grandchildren and don't really want to make any effort to develop a relationship with them. I think a lot of people can't even admit it to themselves let alone anyone else. They say they're bothered but then their actions don't back it up. If your parents wanted to see you, they would pick you up from the airport. What they're doing g means they can blame you when their friends ask why they don't see the grand kids.

If they wanted to, they would.

I wonder how many people who couldn’t possibly travel are happy to go on holiday to Spain or wherever with their babies? Travelling with babies and small children is possible and normal and people do it everyday.

Travelling with kids is tricky, but it’s also exciting and interesting and builds their resilience and yours. If the destination is worth the hassle. I’ve travelled from Scotland to London (and then round London for 2 days sightseeing) with an 18m old and a 6yr old by myself. We literally used every form of transport going - bus, plane, taxi, train, tube, DLR. Sling is a must, even if you have a buggy with you - same for flying. I found people extremely helpful, both transport staff and random passers by.

OP, I’m not sure this is really about the travel? There are solutions for that if you actually want to see them. Do you actually want to see them? It’s fair enough if you don’t. If you actually just don’t want to see them that much then you need to just set your boundaries and stick to them. No need to over explain.

A 6 hours journey wouldn’t keep me away from my parents, but that’s because I actually want to see them, so I’m prepared to put up with the stress, and also because they would do their part to make it easier (like buying/borrowing baby equipment so I didn’t have to transport it or picking up from airport/station).

You are clearly frustrated with the fact they are making demands but not prepared to listen to what you are saying to them. I’d concentrate on trying to discuss this with them - why aren’t they willing to pick you up from the airport for example?!? And if they remain stubborn and making demands (ie setting their boundary) I’d explain that you respect their position but communicate what you are and aren’t willing to do, and draw the line. You can even say you will review once baby is a toddler. But for now the ball then is in their court.

I agree wholeheartedly which makes it all the more frustrating that I am being made out to be difficult and selfish for not making the journey

Do you make arrangements directly with your DDad?

He can’t agree to anything without running it by her so no

You know what? Let them blame you. Let them tell themselves and everyone around them that you're the one being difficult. If that's the story they've decided to tell themselves you can't make them believe otherwise anyway. You get to decide who pushes your buttons.

After years of dealing with this I've learned the hard way that we can survive if others need to paint us as the bad guy. Let them.

If I wanted to see my family I’d do the travelling and have done since dc was 3 months old. But if you don’t want to then don’t be made to feel guilty.

No one who genuinely wants to be around for their grandchildren moves 8 hours away.
Its ok if they don't widh to be, but do not guilt people to spend hours to travel to visit you, with said grandchildren.

I think moving far away and expecting regular visits and support, whenever you pick up the phone from children whom themselves now have very young children, is delusional.

I have several friends whose parents did it in their 60's, lost huge money on the move, and tried to make out their children were selfish not to be travelling to see them every other weekend when they found living in a stunningly beautiful remote spot in winter was a bit isolating to say the least.

One friends relationship with her parents never quite recovered as they were relentless in their guilting.
They had begged them to rent before buying, but when the dream coastal property popped up, they just bought it.

Most young parents working with young children do not want the effort of packing up regularly with them, after a busy week at work.

I simply wouldn't entertain it.

I do a similar journey to another far-flung part of the country and find that flying is the easiest way for a solo trip. The main advantage is that you don’t arrive tired, whereas you would be exhausted after a six-hour solo drive. Plus you are probably having dickey sleep anyway. Not entirely safe driving like that, all things considered.

I say: put the ball back in their court and book return flights to visit them. Buy a lightweight pushchair which is compatible with your car seat and take both it and the car seat in the hold. Tell them the dates and say that you are ‘not sure’ how you will make the final leg of the journey but you are really looking forward to seeing them…

I think you will find that your Dad will suddenly have a change of heart and you will find him there at arrivals.

DM lived 6 hours away until relatively recently. We both moved away from where I grew up, but in opposite directions! I always used to say that the one thing that could most improve my life was living closer to DM (DDad died 30 years ago, and DM never remarried).

DM and I did used to take turns in travelling to each other for a few days. I found travelling in the evening or very early morning quite helpful. For evening journeys I used to take DS swimming in the pm to tire him out! For early mornings, I’d lift him straight out of bed into the car, and we’d stop halfway for breakfast and to get him dressed. This became more difficult with 2 dc and once school kicked in. We got stranded in the SW when dd got chicken pox at DM’s and was very unwell indeed.

DM moved here after the pandemic. I now mostly look after her.

Not sure how you arrive at ‘trains are easier’. Trying to get pram,luggage, baby, and all its paraphernalia on and off trains (probably up and down stairs) cannot possibly easier than chucking it all in a car. Plus if it’s the noise and motion of the car that upsets babe there is a good chance of the same problems on a train with the additional benefit of a number of other people to annoy! Put your boundaries in place and get those zoom calls going so they can’t guilt trip you

How often do you talk to them? Is the guilting in person, via email, something else?

Come up with a standard response for each medium and repeat ad nauseum. Make sure you really mean it. "I'm happy to come to you if you pick me up at the airport" or "I can't drive right now but you're welcome here any time" - if those are true.

Then drop the rope. They don't want to put in the effort and you're going to be the bad guy no matter what, so be the bad guy in the easiest way for you.

Edited for typo

Having seen your further posts. Your dad is young & fit. If they want to have a relationship with baby, then they visit between now & summer. If not you will see how it pans out then.
please say this
”I am not driving 6 hours alone with a screaming baby. It ends there”.

This!

I’m did travel about 5 hours with DS when he was a similar age down to south wales from Yorkshire and it was hard. We had to stop a lot for breaks, to feed and change him and just so he wasn’t trapped in a car seat for hours. I wouldn’t recommend it personally but once your DC turns one it will get a little bit easier. Maybe arrange a nice holiday up there over summer, if it’s near the coast it could be especially lovely.

My in laws moved a 3 hour drive away so not nearly as far but they are insistent that we visit them rather than them visiting us or meeting halfway and it is hard.

They used to live near us (where DH grew up) and we fully support their retirement move to live somewhere much quieter and cheaper but they won’t take any responsibility for the consequence of their decision being that they see less of their son and grandchildren than they would like to.

It is frustrating but we’ve just had to become resilient to their comments - we visit them when we can and always go over the Christmas period.

A six hour drive with a baby (or even an older child) is a lot so you are not being unreasonable.

It doesn’t matter how other people traveled by train or whatever if op doesn’t want to for whatever reason that’s upto her.

I am not travelling 6 hours for anything other than a holiday. Especially to people demanding I must visit the after they moved that far away, baby or no baby.

Also off dynamic of the step mum being the ex before ops mum but then the current wife and making demands on op about how her own father needs to see ops baby. Wonder why they never had children together before or after, or even how long dad was with mum…. Maybe I’m cynical. But that’s off topic.