Parents moved 6 hours away AIBU to not be keen to visit often?

[Juniperberry2025]

title should have said visit with baby, sorry

I am in my very early 30s and recently welcomed my first child last year. I have been raised in the place I live currently since age 4 (south of England), but was born and lived initially in the north east. My life, job, partner, friends and some family all live in the south where I live. I consider this to be my home.

In 2024 just before I fell pregnant my parents (Dad and Stepmother) moved back to hometown 6 hours away. I have visited twice but not since baby was born. Admittedly I was very upset when they decided to leave but I’m an adult and self sufficient so am fine without them here, though I am sad to have missed out on having a ‘village’.

They have been here to meet their grandchild twice since their birth. It’s quite stressful hosting as they don’t really understand that baby has a nap routine and other requirements and our house is very small but we have still spent lots of time with them when they came to visit.

They are constantly asking me to commit to travelling to them with the baby. Baby hates the car and partner works most weekends so it would be me and baby in the car alone and I am just generally not keen on going yet.

AIBU to not agree to a visit yet until baby is better in the car?

YABU - put your big girl pants on and go and see your family

YANBU - prioritise your baby, they chose to leave so onus is on them

I drove my DC long distances a lot when they were young. A 4 hours drive that often became longer.

YANBU - absolutely ridiculous they are trying to dictate you can’t fly up. 6 hours drive plus needing to stop, no way.

No, it’s wouldn’t be visiting with a baby that age. You’d have to do so many stops to make the car journey safe for baby, and it would take forever. Even once baby is bigger it’s not a journey I’d do more than once a year.
Could you suggest renting a place at a mid-way point?

just wondering why you seem to be blaming the stepmum here for moving away. What about the father who also chose to move away? Also, not the point of the thread.

travelling with a baby is a right faff- Yanbu. They moved

flying sounds quicker but not necessarily easier as babies need a lot of “stuff” (well, mine did, and I recall literally filling the car when on a one night trip to my parents’ house)

that said I’d probably make the effort once a year or so. More than that, they should come to you.

ETA- not offering to pick you up from the airport is poor.

I wouldn’t hold a grudge against them moving away but no chance I’d be travelling 6hs to see them regularly with a baby/small child. When the child is older and easier to occupy, perhaps more - but at this age it’s pretty much all on them

OP so if you decided to fly and texted you DDad beforehand check if he’d pick you up from the airport he’d say no?

Why won't they get you from the airport? And do they have a car seat in their car? And would they pay for your parking and flight?

They have said what’s the point as baby will still have to do an hour in the car that end so I might as well just drive. No they don’t have a car seat I would likely have to order one to their house. No I doubt they will pay for the flight as I’m not doing what they want

Don’t feel guilty. One of their primary considerations when deciding to move so far away should have been not seeing family much, including future grandchildren. You owe them nothing when this was their choice, life is hard enough trying to juggle a baby with everything else without adding in 12-hour round trips.

Put your foot down and set out your non-negotiable boundaries clearly. The only way you will visit them is if they pick you up from the airport. You will not be driving under any circumstances. You will not be made to feel guilty because of their choices, so they either accept your terms or you won’t be discussing visits any further. Then make sure you stick to it and don’t be drawn into further conversations.

I’d take your own car seat on the flight. Order nappies, wipes etc to be delivered to theirs so you’ve got less to carry. Tell them that if they want you to come, this is how you’re going to do it. Ball is in their court.

Nope, 6 hours in the car is far too long for a baby, or a toddler or any child. It’s on them to come to you. They chose to move away and it’s a shit load easier for 2 adults to travel
than it is for anyone to travel with a child.

I travelled from south to north with my children and I bloody wish I didn’t.

we used to do a 4-5 hour drive with our children but we’d set off in the evening so they’d sleep in the car. Then spend several days out of their environment without their toys etc. and it’s not like being on holiday because on holiday you are doing things often centered around your child and not centered around 2 old people who can’t see that travelling to you is so much easier.

You could fly with the car seat. If this were just about seeing them you could hire a car for the last hour but I suspect you are right that this is more about power and them having decided it is "your turn", and you are quite sensibly pushing back on that.

Depending how keen you are to see them, you could try asking them outright if they would pick you up from the airport. There is a humongous difference between an hour with your mum sat in the back with you and six hours with the only adult driving. But you know that.

You are being completely ridiculous not to take the train - train travel is so, so much less stressful than long drives or flights with a baby.

It's fine to expect your father and stepmother to travel to you but if you want your grandmother to see your daughter, you need to travel back up north at least once.

We did 8 hour car journeys when the babies were about 6 months because it was the only way of seeing some relatives who all lived within 10 miles of one another.

Babies are very portable.

I think grandparents can bring something extra, different and special to a child's life.

However, their grandchild being so young, once at walking/talking stage and onwards, as long as you are visiting then (and vice-versa), I think that is something you should do.

Seeing life outside the south of England from time to time as your child grows up will be no bad thing either. Far too many people only think of the UK in London/South East terms.

I love that they won’t even deign to collect you from the airport if you fly up! Just tell them no. Sometimes people need to hear no. Were you a bit of a people pleaser before you had your baby (I know I was!)? If so it can be really hard pushing back once people bring out the guilt trips post-baby but it’s really important you establish early on that you are the one in control of your and your babies lives and routine. If it means that much to them they will either wait until you are ready or come down and see you.

Would you really want to be sat on a train (changing twice) for four hours with a potentially screaming baby, a pram, a suitcase and car seat with no help to move between trains or at the other end? Doesn’t seem fair on other passengers and would be challenging to carry everything. (This was in reply to the comment saying ridiculous not to go by train but can’t work out how to quote after posting)

I think train with rucksack, sling and umbrella fold buggy is fine but for journeys I actually want to do, not journeys someone is trying to emotionally blackmail me into.

PP is right though, the only way your grandmother gets to meet the baby is if you take her. I would wait and go when your husband can go with I think, if your dad gives a flat out no to a direct request to pick you up from the airport.

Ps - all of my family is from the north and I live down south so I know that it can feel like a loooong journey, particularly if you are driving. I’ve never actually done a solo drive up north and I have two DC now! I also adore all of my family but the practicalities of travel, especially when my DC were under 3, was a bit of a pain. I promise it gets a lot easier the older they get. I took DC1 on the train on their own with me when they were 18 months, it was definitely doable, so it unlikely won’t be that long before you’ll feel comfortable going on the train on your own, or even flying.

This. They visit. Say this too them, parents I want to see you more but I have a job and a baby and you don’t - please come and visit!

Grandmother did actually meet the baby when they were newborn as she was travelling to London for another reason, but I hear what you’re saying. She’s always been up north so I don’t feel like it’s her responsibility to travel down

A car seat, a sling and a rucksack? Yes, I did it frequently, and for babies 2 and 3, I did it with toddlers in tow.

You can pre-book passenger assistance as well, which helps when changing trains.

Babies are rarely "screaming" on trains - mine all liked the movement and fell asleep. Even if they do cry, they settle and other people cope just fine.

More likely to "scream" on a plane anyway as the air pressure changes can really hurt their ears and they don't know how to pop them.

Approach it positively and honestly, the train is the most stressful free method of travel with young kids.

Dear God your dad and stepmum sound like a pair of selfish fuckers! It's all 'I want I want' and 'I won't I won't' from them.

They moved. It's therefore their problem to solve, not yours.

As for "I’m being told my elderly grandmother is missing out on my child and that SM’s ailing father may never meet her etc" - I'd be ticking them off for that. My response would be along the lines of 'Really? Admit it to yourselves if not to me, this is nothing to do with Gran and your father and everything to do with you not willing to accept that you moved 6 hours away and not seeing much of me and mine is the natural consequence. Own your choices.'

You are not responsible for your dad and stepmum, not are you responsible TO them. You are however responsible for and to your child, and your dad and stepmum can just suck it up. Consequences!

Edited to add: I moved 6 hours away from my home town in my 20s for work, and had DS in my 30s still 6 hours away, so this is not a completely unknown setup for me.

I wouldn't with a bloody 11 year old. Or even without kids!

They moved. It's difficult to travel that far often.

That's the reality.

If they want to see you more often they are capable of travelling and staying in a hotel.

I remember taking a train with my toddler, with buggy, sling and rucksack, struggling to get on the train unaided, and losing my flip flop (it was summer) down the gap whilst trying to get on. Not fun. When DS got a bit older, then train travel was fine. Especially sleeper trains up to Scotland.

Flying is easy, but if they cba to even collect you, baby and paraphernalia from the airport, then sod that.

I also remember one awful car journey from Edinburgh airport to the Highlands. DS was teething and screaming the whole way. It took ages, as DH got very stressed and kept stopping, whilst I was singing the whole way trying to calm DS down. That was with two of us. I can’t imagine what it would have been like doing that car journey solo.

They’re in their 50s! Younger than me!

I wouldn't be making that journey with a baby, like, ever, let alone on a regular basis. Your parents chose to move. If they want to see you and the baby, they need to come to where you are.