Parents moved 6 hours away AIBU to not be keen to visit often?

[Juniperberry2025]

title should have said visit with baby, sorry

I am in my very early 30s and recently welcomed my first child last year. I have been raised in the place I live currently since age 4 (south of England), but was born and lived initially in the north east. My life, job, partner, friends and some family all live in the south where I live. I consider this to be my home.

In 2024 just before I fell pregnant my parents (Dad and Stepmother) moved back to hometown 6 hours away. I have visited twice but not since baby was born. Admittedly I was very upset when they decided to leave but I’m an adult and self sufficient so am fine without them here, though I am sad to have missed out on having a ‘village’.

They have been here to meet their grandchild twice since their birth. It’s quite stressful hosting as they don’t really understand that baby has a nap routine and other requirements and our house is very small but we have still spent lots of time with them when they came to visit.

They are constantly asking me to commit to travelling to them with the baby. Baby hates the car and partner works most weekends so it would be me and baby in the car alone and I am just generally not keen on going yet.

AIBU to not agree to a visit yet until baby is better in the car?

YABU - put your big girl pants on and go and see your family

YANBU - prioritise your baby, they chose to leave so onus is on them

I’m being told my elderly grandmother is missing out on my child and that SM’s ailing father may never meet her etc

I think it'd be a trip I'd be doing once a year at most - Christmas time or whenever DP has time off to make a proper family trip to see them.

A 6 hour drive alone with an 8 month old would probably be horrendous and would take way longer than 6 hours! I'm a confident driver and I would not be up for that at all. Three hours however, not so bad - I'm wondering if there is a middle point where you could meet up? Stay overnight together somewhere perhaps - though will depend on finances too.

If they want to build a relationship with their DGC and see you fairly often then I'm afraid they are, certainly for the next couple of years or so, have to make the effort to visit you and stay in a hotel.

YANBU

Yanbu.

"The baby is too young. We wont be considering a journey of thst length until they are at least 3"
"No that just isnt practical"

Id agree to meet them halfway in summer one weekend 2.5/3 for you and 3/3.5 for them.
All meet up at blah blah castle / oh so fancy estate and have a look at the grounds and some lunch...
That would be the most I'd bother with.

If they are so scared great aunt fanny might die before seeing the baby do a Video Call or 2....

Does SM’s ailing father actually care???? I cannot imagine he considers you a beloved GC but maybe I am wrong....?

They moved. They want to see the baby.

They make the effort.

Also sorry but step mum can shhh. Tell your dad quite clearly you’d love to see him
More but you just cannot do that travel with the little one and that your fed up with step mum keep moaning about it and moaning about her father not seeing baby.

@Juniperberry2025 You don't want to do it, you especially don't want to do it with a tiny that doesn't even like to travel, you are absolutely reasonable saying no.

It's rubbish that they are taking advantage of your good nature, have you even met step grandfather? When was the last time you saw your grandmother?

Nowadays, there are a huge number of ways great/grandparents can stay in contact with access to zoom etc

Say no, deal with the fall-out, the first time may be tricky but if you do that now, and mean it, they'll know you can't be bullied into visiting on their terms

Is it your Dad trying to pressurise?

Have courage, it really will serve you well @Juniperberry2025

I could have written this. My feelings are they decided to move 6 hrs away and this is the consequence. I've been guilted over it recently but I have disabled kids and it's just not possible so tough shit.

If they were that bothered about either of those things they wouldn’t have put the kibosh on your suggestion of flying.

i would tell them that you’d make the trip by flight, as you suggested, or if that isn’t suitable to them it’ll be when the baby is a good bit older as the drive is too much atm.

I’m being told my elderly grandmother is missing out on my child and that SM’s ailing father may never meet her etc

Well I suppose that if grandmother and SM's father have always lived in the NE then that would be the case whether your dad and SM were in the NE or still in the south. But what dad and SM need to remember is that they moved six hours away from their family (their parents) many years ago. How much were they thinking of that when they moved? How often did they go visiting (bearing in mind that they didn't even have a baby to consider)?

They can try to make you feel guilty. Its up to you whether they succeed.

I’d probably visit them once a year, invite them to see you a couple of times a year if they stay somewhere else and suggest a half way meet up once a year too and then try and not give it too much head space.

My mum just moved to north east. Literally at the same time as you when my daughter was born. When I visit I fly my daughter sits on my lap so she is free at the minute.

Like fuck would I do a 6 hour trip with a baby on a regular basis just to visit someone.
Once or twice a year, max. And not till the kid was older.

"Are the elderly grandfolk not fit for a long car journey? Oh dear, neither is the baby."

Edited to include both old folks.

Are you still on mat leave? If so, I would go now as you can go mid week for a couple of days and stay with them?. I know you don't like trains- but I'm guessing much much easier than car. If you were staying a week, you could maybe hire a car there? Or maybe parents would let you use theirs?

Very selfish and entitled of them to think you should make the journey to visit them. It should be them visiting unless they’re so elderly and fragile they are unable to travel

I live 500 miles from my parents
We visit 3 or 4 times a year
Both kids were flying at 6 weeks and now they're older we tend to go by train which is 9 hours door to door but cheaper than flying and then trains due to lack of direct flights and still preferable to driving.

I was the one to move so keen to get back to other friends and family too which we would achieve if they came here.

I know if I couldn't travel my parents would visit and theyd stay in hotels to be able to see the kids

There's no right or wrong way to do this

They’re mid 50s and my dad runs ultramarathons 🤣

Use Skype with the relatives. Organise coffee over Skype.

I would visit them, you could even agree to come in a couple of months or so time eg when he is closer to 1. I went to a wedding 8+ hrs away with my DS when he was 8 months. We made a holiday of it and went camping (there was two of us to share driving tho). It is good to get them used to travelling when they are still young I think, rather than attempt for the first time in the tricky toddler stages. we lived 6hrs away from my grandparents (actually much more for my first 3 years) so I have been very comfortable on very long car journeys my whole life and I’m grateful for that skill now.

My tip is leave late afternoon. Stop after about 2 hrs for a long stop, have dinner etc get baby into night things and do milk and whatever parts of bedtime you can recreate in a service station. Plan ahead and pick the nicest one you can also!

Then try and settle baby in the car seat close to their usual bedtime and hopefully they will mostly sleep as it gets dark.

i think it’s advised to stop every two hours and get baby out of car seat for a stretch/move about.

And I should say this is only if you are confident driving at night on your own, not excessively tired already etc. if not, then you could say you can only visit when your OH is available to come too.

It’s up to them to visit you as you have a baby and it’s so much more difficult for you to visit them. They also chose to move away so again it’s them who should be prepared to do most of the travelling. I would definitely not travel on a train or in a car for 6 hours to visit them. Surely they can appreciate how much harder it would be for you.

They moved, they do.the slog. I, too, live in the south and have family in the NE. I am a confident driver but christ, the drive is a bastard. Used to take maybe four hours, now definitely looking at closer to six.

Don't listen to.the guilt, it's bollocks. They created the situation, they can deal with it.

And if your dad can run ultra marathons, he certainly can do.the driving.

Oh, and I certainly wouldn't paying for any hotel! Maternity pay is peanuts!

They chose to move, it’s their problem. A 6 hour drive with an 8 month old would be hell. Don’t even entertain it.

I don't think it matters who chose to move. With very young children, I wouldn't be expecting anyone to make that kind of journey. Mine are older now but I remember how hard even going two hours away was when they were small. They can travel to you for now.

So they wouldn't even come pick you up from the airport?!

I'd emotionally blackmail them back, " oh no, I couldn't do a 6hr drive by myself with baby so young, isn't good for baby at this age and you wouldn't want me to have an accident because I was distracted by baby crying on such a long journey. "

I moved to the UK from another country decades ago.
Although I moved, and I am the one that goes home more, but I can’t be the only one to carry and maintain all relationships. People are allowed to move without being punished!

However, it is different when you have small kids