Parents moved 6 hours away AIBU to not be keen to visit often?

[Juniperberry2025]

title should have said visit with baby, sorry

I am in my very early 30s and recently welcomed my first child last year. I have been raised in the place I live currently since age 4 (south of England), but was born and lived initially in the north east. My life, job, partner, friends and some family all live in the south where I live. I consider this to be my home.

In 2024 just before I fell pregnant my parents (Dad and Stepmother) moved back to hometown 6 hours away. I have visited twice but not since baby was born. Admittedly I was very upset when they decided to leave but I’m an adult and self sufficient so am fine without them here, though I am sad to have missed out on having a ‘village’.

They have been here to meet their grandchild twice since their birth. It’s quite stressful hosting as they don’t really understand that baby has a nap routine and other requirements and our house is very small but we have still spent lots of time with them when they came to visit.

They are constantly asking me to commit to travelling to them with the baby. Baby hates the car and partner works most weekends so it would be me and baby in the car alone and I am just generally not keen on going yet.

AIBU to not agree to a visit yet until baby is better in the car?

YABU - put your big girl pants on and go and see your family

YANBU - prioritise your baby, they chose to leave so onus is on them

He is very fit and healthy!

Hmm. My parents moved back up north when I was very young but had friends down south still and came to visit grandchildren quite frequently. Both me and my sibling ended back down south near where they had lived. I do the journey twice a year, did it on Saturday, back yesterday for something I really had to attend. It’s torturous. Flying would be a pita, you have to travel to the airport, at least an hour if you use public transport then no car at the other end so you have to hire one. Same with the train.

They moved, I think they can do the travelling. It’ll be easier once the baby is walking/less dependent but for now, y definitely abu.

Be positive about visiting them - say you'll go in the summer when the weather is good. Then list a few places you'd like to go with them + the baby, so that you can all get excited about it.

I would love to visit the North East - there is so much to see and do there.

Madness isn’t it. I cannot fathom why anyone (with zero connection to the area) would do that when they have family/grandkids 1000 miles away. It’s almost like running away and hiding isn’t it.

We're still confused by it tbh!

The move seemed to be orchestrated by FIL, which made it all the more strange, as he was the one with 4 kids down in the southern half of England. Not to mention 4 grandkids (now 6!)
We could understand if it was coming from step-mum, as she has no bio kids, so no one to leave, if that makes sense.

FIL is a strange chap in all honesty. DH and I have been married 14 years, and I feel like I hardly know FIL.
When we got married, DH chose not to have a best man, mostly as to not favour either brother, who he's equally close to. So FIL wanted to give a speech at the wedding, as there wouldn't be a best man speech. And frankly, it was odd, a bit cold, and almost insulting. And not in a jokey way.

FIL, prior to retirement, used to be quite high up in the NHS in his local area, and we do get a vibe of, "Oh, well I'm a DOCTOR, so I can look after myself just fine!"
All well and good, but a heart attack, or something bad happening to step-mum, doesn't know that.

All very bizarre. We've just left them to it at this point.

How often did your grandmother see you when you were a child, and HER child had moved Down South and had you?

And really there's no family link between you and your SM's father, so i think thats a bit of a red herring...

It will take you much longer than 6 hours to drive there because you'll have to stop at least twice to feed and change your baby. There's no way I'd be doing that journey on my own.

This. My parents played the card of come and visit but like you I was pretty much alone and had a car sick baby and they were 6 hours away. They wanted me to put the baby in the car and leave work early Friday to get to them on a non stop car journey of 6 hours for about 10 pm. Then get up with baby and play happy families before leaving lunch time Sunday and getting home Sunday evening. Nope they can come to you. They played the card I was too far. I was mightily pissed off when I found out that they were quite happily driving down to the south of France do a break x8 a year but couldn’t see their grandchildren.

it’s not feasible sorry parents it’s too far for me to travel with a baby on my own and not much fun to be away from home! Please come and stay in an air b n b local and we can work around that

“Refused to join me” is strong language to use for a mum that wants to stay where she is. Did she have to refuse rather than choose because you strongly expected her to change her life to suit you?

Where we are, many people leave once retired as it is extremely expensive here and downsizing isn’t enough to fund retirement. We are nowhere near that yet but I think we will do the same. It’s ok for grandparents to do what is right for them.

I’m in the “let them come to you” camp, but if you did want to go see them, could you drive at bedtime? My toddler never would have been happy for a long car journey during the day, but she will sleep in the car. When we’ve had to do longer journeys, we’ve driven at bedtime and transferred her into a cot on arrival. Admittedly no journeys as long as yours would be, though.

Step mum isn’t the baby’s granddaughter and neither is sm dad any relation! The only person you sho Be having a conversation with about visIt’s amd travel is your dad!! Remind him he’s only 50’s
and runs marathons so why is it such an issue driving to pick yoi
and his grandchildren up from the airport when you’re going to all the effort to visit ? If your sm has such an issue with it she can stay out of it all!!’ Nothing to do with her! Invite your dad down ON HIS OWN to see
jos grandchild and point out it’s a lot easier for a solo traveller with no baby!

6 hours is a long journey! I love driving and the 4 hours on my own to see my dearly beloved cousin is sometimes a mission! I definitely wouldn’t want to do 6 hours with a baby!! I guess a hotel stop on the way would break it up but that then cuts down on your time with them. Would they meet you half way and you all have a break in an air bnb or hotel?

The onus is on them. This is the kind of distance my friend now lives away from her children and first grandchild. Her DH wanted to move back to where he grew up by the sea. They do have the most beautiful house but it was all driven by him. She said if he dies first she is moving straight back.

A holiday is not a fair comparison. Spain cannot travel to the OP to make things easier for her. Fit healthy relatives can.

Sounds like they don’t want to do any of the travel!

I would say, ‘I’m not driving 6 hours in my own with a baby, that’s not happening. I’ll fly, if you can pick me up from the airport’

Say it every time they mention you coming.

I think I would straight out tell your Dad to stop the drama, that actions speak so much louder than words, so it is very obvious they are not that interested in seeing your and your DC since they do not want to put themselves out in the slightest and they expect you to massively put out yourself out and cause major discomfort to you child.

Tell him visiting is off the cards until your DC is older. And to just stop with the drama, you will not listen to any more of it.
Talk directly to your Dad and not your stepmom.

And then shut it down immediately if they bring it up again. ‘We already had this conversation, you know where I stand on this. Just stop’

Just accept that it makes no sense for you to visit by car, and if they are not willing to make it easier for you that they will not see you or your DC.