Wtf do i do? - Dd2 told me they have been raped over xmas

[Boxingshibes]

What the hell do I do. Dd who identifies as male was raped by a 'friend' who is mtf trans. Argh!!. This is my worse nightmare.
The child in question I've always been concerned about I've been informed has done this multiple times.
Dd doesn't want to go to the police.
Im trying to support them as much as I can.
They don't want me to tell college but as this happened they are reluctant to go.
The other person has been expelled from college in Dec for wanking in class!!

We have blocked them on every social media. And if they come near us I dread to think what dh would do.

Wtf do I do?

Exactly this. I’ve also worked in sexual violence services and pressuring a victim into reporting to the police against their wishes/before they are ready- especially using guilt to coerce them to do so- is a terrible idea. It’s just causing them another form of trauma, at a time when they are hugely vulnerable. A victim is never responsible for their abusers actions in any way, whether they report them or not, and to suggest otherwise (which you are by implying that they have to report their assault in order to protect future victims) is simply victimising them all over again. Please don’t do this. And to those suggesting it- I understand the instinct, but please be more careful in your advice.

OP, all you can do is be a supportive presence, encourage her to go to SARC/rape crisis for counselling and emotional support. Obviously, it’s probably too late for forensic samples now, but she almost certainly is in need of psychological support. SARC can also facilitate STI screening. Equally, you could access the latter via sexual health services or her GP. If she later wants to report her assault- and she might, after accessing counselling- then you can support her through that too. You can also access psychological support for yourself too.

I’m not sure anonymously reporting is going to be very helpful- the police cannot investigate a report of rape with no details other than that it allegedly happened.

I’d also be very wary of breaching her trust by going against her wishes and reporting to the police yourself- or even college. She’s just disclosed to you that she has been raped- if you show her you can’t be trusted to respect her wishes at this point, it is highly likely to result in her losing her trust in you. Right now, she needs your support and she needs to know she can trust you in order to be able to lean on you for that. If she loses that and is struggling or if something else happens, then where will she turn to? Potentially causing her to feel isolated from what should be her support system is the last thing I would do.

The OP said that their dd identifies as male so I assumed that they had been born female.

The OP was just trying to explain - as they've clarified in other posts . I personally think the rape at this point is more important than the pronouns. The OP also used the pronoun they

I'm cringing that someone thinks a pronoun is more important than a rape. The Op used DD in the first post and I assume that's why posters used she

Op I know your dc is 17 but technically a minor so I would ring police and report on your dcs behalf. If your child was an adult then I'd let them make their own decision on it but they aren't an adult yet so unfortunately the responsibility still lies with you. Plus their reasoning for not reporting may still be mixed up in denial or gaslighting that actually needs to be untangled.

Your dd deserves support with this and needs a sexual health check. The other young person involved needs serious intervention and has a history of HSB. that needs to be reported as they will do this again to someone else. With a history like that it's just a matter of when not if. I'd put it to your dc that while it's deeply unfair they are now in this position, they have the chance to protect others by speaking up.

This is the last thing you do. Report a rape to police against someone's wishes. And once more - the DD is not responsible if this person rapes someone else.

I never once said it was her fault it happened.

Looks like you failed.

Me too.

So OP's child is a girl but identifies as male and was raped by a male. I didnt pick this up at first. But rape is rape and should be logged with the police.

We've been to the Dr's and she was amazing. We're taking it slowly been referred to the Sexual heath clinic and for trauma therapy. Dr was very understanding which was great.

Thats good to hear boxing 💐

Of course the dd is not responsible for whether or not they do it again, I absolutely am not saying that. However I have a close family member who has been through it, didn't report and then felt very conflicted when the person then did go on to do it again, not her fault, not her responsibility but that's how she felt and it massively impacted her later. I've also worked with many women who didn't report at the time and regretted it after when it was too late.

In an ideal world of course it would be the dds choice and if she were 18 I'd be saying as much. But she is a minor so this is an additional complexity and its not the same as if we were talking about an adult. Child sexual abuse of any form, by any perpetrator must be reported.

At 17, the line between minor/adult is blurred. A young person of that age will almost certainly be deemed to have capacity to make decisions about all aspects of their healthcare, most legal aspects (e.g. where and with whom she lives) and so on- that would include whether she speaks to the police. If OP’s daughter does not want to, she cannot be made to report to the police or agree to be interviewed by police if someone else reports,

I cannot overstate how damaging what you are suggesting could be to someone who has been the victim of sexual violence- you are taking another part of their autonomy away based in what YOU believe should happen.

She may well chose to report after she has had appropriate psychological support. If trust that she has placed in others is breached- and by her own mother, no less- what do you think that will do to that her belief in her mother and their relationship? The one person she has chosen to trust with this trauma decides her wishes are utterly irrelevant and is going to try to force her to do something she has explicitly said she does not want. The likelihood of her ever trusting her mother again is low, and is likely to damage trust in anyone in place of authority or official services- meaning she is far more likely to shy away from engaging with any of the support services. I am not saying this from supposition- I am telling you this from professional experience.

Your suggested action is highly likely to be hugely damaging to an already vulnerable young person. In my experience, most victims who don’t wish to report their attack will simply refuse to deal with the police if someone goes over their head and reports against their wishes. They will deflect, state that the person reporting is wrong/they misunderstood or that they (the victim) made it up and that nothing happened. The police cannot really investigate in those circumstances. The victims then don’t engage/disengage with sexual violence support services because they view everyone with distrust.

DD is not going to report. As such I thought the best think was Dr's. For a health check and signposting for help/ therapy/ support groups.
I can't make them do anything but we (dd+I are telling the college as they don't feel safe there and they agree) also I think in my mind if it's in their medical records if they ever change their mind I'm thinking it's been 'logged somewhere?'
I have no idea what I'm doing but supporting as much as I can ( however much I'd like to find the person and do something about it)

OP you are doing amazingly as is your DD. They know you’ve got their back and you’ve helped get STD checked, on the start of a support path and they are happy to discuss next steps educationally with college.You’ve helped and are helping your DD so much

Been to college today and as dd is scared they have agreed they can do just exams but have to do online work.
When walking back to the bus the saw the person and freaked so will be at home and finding out about counselling even if we need to go private.
Everything sucks.

I'm sorry they saw the other person but glad the college are supporting online learning.

Will the college be able to keep them separate for exams? The last thing needed is to bump into each other before an exam.

Is the College signed up to Emily Test?

https://www.emilytest.org/

We were set up in memory of Emily Drouet, an undergraduate law student, who was subjected to a campaign of Gender-Based Violence (GBV) by a fellow student.

Our mission is to ensure no other student ends up in Emily’s shoes.

A report published by the National Union of Students (2013) found that 1 in 4 female students reporting unwanted sexual behaviour during their studies and 1 in 5 experiencing sexual harassment during their first week of term. These statistics highlight the scale of the problem across colleges and universities and evidence the need for further action to be taken.