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Original poster

Wtf do i do? - Dd2 told me they have been raped over xmas

168 replies

Boxingshibes · 28/02/2026 18:13

What the hell do I do. Dd who identifies as male was raped by a 'friend' who is mtf trans. Argh!!. This is my worse nightmare.
The child in question I've always been concerned about I've been informed has done this multiple times.
Dd doesn't want to go to the police.
Im trying to support them as much as I can.
They don't want me to tell college but as this happened they are reluctant to go.
The other person has been expelled from college in Dec for wanking in class!!

We have blocked them on every social media. And if they come near us I dread to think what dh would do.

Wtf do I do?

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 28/02/2026 18:49

You need to go to the police, especially if he’s done it before and the masturbating in public is a massive concern. It’s not normal behaviour.

Bagsintheboot · 28/02/2026 18:50

You follow your child's lead and support her.

If she doesn't want to go to the police, she should not be coerced or guilted into it.

She needs you to be there for her, not to browbeat her into taking action she's not ready for.

Ineedanewsofa · 28/02/2026 18:51

Speak to Rape Crisis asap. In terms of encouraging DD to report perhaps try framing it as separate from the ‘trans issue’ - a predator has found a community of people to prey on and DD can be part of stopping the predator by reporting. How people identify is irrelevant, if the predator is forcing anyone to do something sexual against their will, it’s SA/rape.
Being part of the trans community may make it feel more complex but it isn’t really. Sending love and strength to DD.

Original poster
Boxingshibes · 28/02/2026 18:56

Dd will not report. They have been checked for stuff and pregnancy due to ongoing Utis which is now probably relevant.
Dd is pretending everything is OK.
I was raped at the same age I blocked it out as I thought no one would believe me. But we want to help/support.
It will happen again but I can't make dd do anything.

OP posts:
ThisYearIsMyYear · 28/02/2026 18:58

You have to follow her lead as far as the police are concerned. Speaking from experience, a botched or inconclusive police investigation can be extraordinarily traumatic. You can't force that on her. If there were no trans issues, I seriously question whether so many people on the thread would be insisting that she/you report her rapist. I am no fan of MTF transitioning but this is about supporting your child, not making her be the figurehead/sacrificial lamb in some kind of 'community' action.

Paperwhite209 · 28/02/2026 19:00

Boxingshibes · 28/02/2026 18:56

Dd will not report. They have been checked for stuff and pregnancy due to ongoing Utis which is now probably relevant.
Dd is pretending everything is OK.
I was raped at the same age I blocked it out as I thought no one would believe me. But we want to help/support.
It will happen again but I can't make dd do anything.

Whether it happens again is not your daughter's responsibility or her fault.

My daughter volunteers for a rape and sexual assault helpline.

Her advice is to see support that way for now whilst waiting for longer term counselling.

As an advisor and a victim of (non sexual) assault herself, her feeling is that if your DD's mental health won't be served by reporting, to leave well alone as likely to cause more harm than good.

MakeMineAMilkyTea · 28/02/2026 19:01

I do think you need to report this to the college if she won’t go to the police. She is still your child and you are responsible for her wellbeing. I would speak to the safeguarding lead at college and let them know this has happened but she doesn’t want to take things further and can they signpost to any pastoral care within college?

she needs an sti check to be safe and I think that should be your priority tomorrow to get the ball rolling on.

encourage her to report it to the police. If she won’t she needs to do a “statement” now so that she can document when, where, what wearing, what he was wearing, what lead to this horrific thing I.e was it a party, just hanging out together and fell asleep. No blame at all on your dd just think it’s prudent to get it factually down on paper so if she does decide to proceed there is no I think it was x date and I think x was there. Also if someone else does come forward where this has also happened to them it then even if it’s a couple of years down the line and your dd then decides to also report she had it written down and details are not hazy although I don’t doubt for a second that she would ever forget such a horrible thing happening.

sending her all my love and I know it doesn’t mean much coming from an internet stranger but please know you are both in my thoughts and I’ll be keeping you both in my prayers.

Auroraspyjamas · 28/02/2026 19:03

Boxingshibes · 28/02/2026 18:13

What the hell do I do. Dd who identifies as male was raped by a 'friend' who is mtf trans. Argh!!. This is my worse nightmare.
The child in question I've always been concerned about I've been informed has done this multiple times.
Dd doesn't want to go to the police.
Im trying to support them as much as I can.
They don't want me to tell college but as this happened they are reluctant to go.
The other person has been expelled from college in Dec for wanking in class!!

We have blocked them on every social media. And if they come near us I dread to think what dh would do.

Wtf do I do?

As someone who has worked in sexual violence services please don’t pressure your dd to go to the police if they don’t want to, as some have advised. A SARC can take swabs and do sti testing, counselling etc without pressure to report and then dd can decide later to report if they want. But reporting can be very upsetting process in itself and shouldn’t be a decision someone is pressured into as that can be retraumatising. Instead be a listening ear and a solid steady presence for dd. Let them know you believe them, don’t blame them in any way and be ready to hear what they have to say. Let them have agency around their decisions about what to do, that’s so important after their agency was taken away by the rape.

Renenma · 28/02/2026 19:03

Boxingshibes · 28/02/2026 18:26

They are not in contact. Dd is 17. The other person is 18.
As they are all part of the trans community they became friends.
Its awful dd doesn't want to report it but the fact is it'll happen again. Apparently the other person has tried and it has happened with other trans people at dds college.
Can we anonymously report to police??

You can, but from experience, unfortunately not much will come out of an anonymous report

RufustheFactuaIReindeer · 28/02/2026 19:04

Bagsintheboot · 28/02/2026 18:50

You follow your child's lead and support her.

If she doesn't want to go to the police, she should not be coerced or guilted into it.

She needs you to be there for her, not to browbeat her into taking action she's not ready for.

You are quite right bags

Wreckinball · 28/02/2026 19:08

OP some terrible advice here, you cannot tell your DDs secret to college and trust them not to tell anyone! Honestly if DD can’t rely on you not telling anyone- just no. Support her and try to get her to contact rape crisis etc as PPs advised

Manxexile · 28/02/2026 19:08

Nomorecoconutboosts · 28/02/2026 18:29

So sorry to hear this. I believe you can report any crime anonymously via Crimestoppers - phone or online.

How do you report a rape anonymously?

The police can't do anything without a victim.

I don't think they can investigate a crime on the basis of anonymous allegations with no supporting evidence?

Viviennemary · 28/02/2026 19:12

I would ring the police. If the child is under 18 then its your duty as a parent to report it and get advice from the police on what to do next. Most attackers will have committed unreported crimes before they go on to do worse likd murder someone.

noctilucentcloud · 28/02/2026 19:13

I'm so sorry this hapenned to your Dd, and to you in the past. I think you have to support whatever your Dd wants, she needs to have control as a near adult and someone who has been through something horrific. If she doesn't want to go to the police then don't force her, she's not responsible for anything her attacker may do in the future. I also don't think there's any great rush to talk to safeguarding at college imediately as he's been expelled (my advice would be different if he hadn't been). Although I do think it'd be better if they knew (to support your Dd and for allowances with attendance and coursework), but I think you need to do this with Dd's permission (unless you are concerned for her safety). But I would suggest she talks to someone from a pregnancy/STI point of view, and also that you encourage her to talk to one of the different organisations out there (a PP posted lots of helpful links). I wish you both luck in coming to terms with this.

TittyGajillions · 28/02/2026 19:15

First thing you need to do is listen to your daughter, she'll never trust you again if you go behind her back. Let her know you'll be there to support her if she changes her mind about reporting it.

ForeverPombear · 28/02/2026 19:19

I agree with the listening to your daughter and not going behind her back, she needs to know that she can trust you.

I'd try and get her in contact with a rape charity or a counsellor and go from there.

This isn't her fault and it won't be her fault if her attacker does it again, try and get her the support and help she needs to process what has happened and hopefully then she might be able to face reporting it. If not, it's still not on her if something else happens with someone else.

Delan3y · 28/02/2026 19:22

Viviennemary · 28/02/2026 19:12

I would ring the police. If the child is under 18 then its your duty as a parent to report it and get advice from the police on what to do next. Most attackers will have committed unreported crimes before they go on to do worse likd murder someone.

My dc was raped under 18.A police investigation is a hugely traumatic process. It isn’t anybody’s duty as a parent to go behind their back. My duty was to support and be lead by him.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 28/02/2026 19:24

Boxingshibes · 28/02/2026 18:56

Dd will not report. They have been checked for stuff and pregnancy due to ongoing Utis which is now probably relevant.
Dd is pretending everything is OK.
I was raped at the same age I blocked it out as I thought no one would believe me. But we want to help/support.
It will happen again but I can't make dd do anything.

Is the guy permanently excluded from collage? Is she likely to keep coming across him?

Viviennemary · 28/02/2026 19:31

Delan3y · 28/02/2026 19:22

My dc was raped under 18.A police investigation is a hugely traumatic process. It isn’t anybody’s duty as a parent to go behind their back. My duty was to support and be lead by him.

Show quote history

I think the crime should be logged on police records even if she doesnt want to go ahead with a prosecution.

babyproblems · 28/02/2026 19:35

OliviaElephantisnotgood · 28/02/2026 18:30

I personally would phone the police. There is a rapist out there, who could right now be raping someone else.

I would too. And contact a rape crisis charity for advice aswell. Awful. So sorry this has happened Xo

Oakvales · 28/02/2026 19:39

I'm so sorry , this is awful.
No real advice but I was raped at a young age and it caused me to act out although I didn't understand this until later life.
I finally told my mum when I was older , who told my Dad (they are divorced). They each mentioned it once almost in passing and that was that. I cant tell you how little that made it feel and how I was dramatic (although clearly not), so don't minimise it , even though it's so uncomfortable for everyone. Acknowledge how truly horrendous it is . X

FirstTimeMumToBe0524 · 28/02/2026 19:47

I’m so, so sorry you’re both going through this.

I was 16 when it happened to me (family friend). I told my mum about a month later and I told her I just needed her to listen. She did make me get an STI test and counselling, but other than that she followed my lead and just listened and held me when I needed it.
I have no idea how she managed now I have my own daughter, but she did and I’m forever grateful and healed much quicker thanks to her total support.

If they don’t want to report it you need to respect that, but it may be worth speaking to a Rape Crisis centre for some advice anonymously to see if there’s anything similar to a non-mol or prohibited steps order they could put in place?

Take care of yourself, this must be your absolute worst nightmare x

SENDChaos · 28/02/2026 19:48

You can report it so it’s logged rather than press charges I believe.

Octavia64 · 28/02/2026 19:53

Stop trying to make her do stuff.

the last thing she needs right now is parents hassling her.

if you feel the need to report it anonymously then do so but fgs don’t tell her.

counselling will help. Is she having panic attacks or similar symptoms of anxiety?