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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Wtf do i do? - Dd2 told me they have been raped over xmas

168 replies

Boxingshibes · 28/02/2026 18:13

What the hell do I do. Dd who identifies as male was raped by a 'friend' who is mtf trans. Argh!!. This is my worse nightmare.
The child in question I've always been concerned about I've been informed has done this multiple times.
Dd doesn't want to go to the police.
Im trying to support them as much as I can.
They don't want me to tell college but as this happened they are reluctant to go.
The other person has been expelled from college in Dec for wanking in class!!

We have blocked them on every social media. And if they come near us I dread to think what dh would do.

Wtf do I do?

OP posts:
Popstarrrrr · 28/02/2026 21:18

I wish your DD peace, recovery and healing. It's good that sexual health stuff has already been taken care of. I hope your DD will be open to counselling in the near future.

I'm sorry to hijack your thread but I really need to say it is NEVER EVER the responsibility of a survivor to stop a perpetrator perpetrating. If a survivor doesn't wish to report to the police, that's their choice. Rape convictions are so woeful in this country I understand why a survivor does not want to report. Equally, your DD will not be showing up as a 'perfect victim' adding even more complexity. Any survivor needs to lead the process after their assault. Rape removes all agency which shouldn't be done again under the guise of needing to stop the perpetrator.

Hotchocolate4 · 28/02/2026 21:36

As much as you want to call the police please don’t. Give your child time to process and want to come forward. Get them to speak to a charity and be lead by them on how to proceed.

Make sure you reassure them that they have been so brave In confiding in you. Any evidence will have been erased by now if it was Christmas so whether you tell the police today or next week it in 2 months won’t make any physical difference. However it might make a miles of difference to your child’s mental health, how much they can remember and how they give evidence

scottishgirl69 · 28/02/2026 21:42

Boxingshibes · 28/02/2026 18:26

They are not in contact. Dd is 17. The other person is 18.
As they are all part of the trans community they became friends.
Its awful dd doesn't want to report it but the fact is it'll happen again. Apparently the other person has tried and it has happened with other trans people at dds college.
Can we anonymously report to police??

I very much doubt that you can report a rape anon to police. If you report it your DD will need to be identified although if it went to court their name wouldn't be in the press

Glitterfarti · 28/02/2026 21:43

I used to work in this arena. My advice is to tell your child you believe them and are really glad they told you, you will be ready to help them if they want to take it further but their body is their business and you will respect their privacy and their choices.

If they would like, you can put the stuff they were wearing in a plastic bag and put it away (if it hasn’t been washed) so they don’t have to look at it and if they do want to report at a later time it has been preserved.

It’s a good idea if they’re up to it for them to write down in their own words what happened and how they feel. They can put it in an envelope and put it away for the future if needed, but can help to get the feelings out, and to see it written down can help to understand what it was and to process it.

You should write it down too, and put it somewhere safe. On top of this, journaling would be good for both of you. Please do contact Rape Crisis/Stonewall etc for help.

Your child will go through a grief cycle (anger/denial/bargaining etc) and may ‘act out’ sexually or otherwise. Being attacked by a friend (and someone from a community you trust) is like insult to injury as the betrayal and injustice and hurt can be overwhelming and survivors are more likely to blame themselves because it wasn’t a chance encounter in an alley kind of thing.

If you do report it, they should have a specialist sexual offences trained officer assigned promptly who will guide them through choices and help them make a statement or record of what happened.

They can talk to someone at a sexual assault referral centre (SARC) or the GP for some psychological support. Unfortunately, sexual assault is very, very common, they have done absolutely nothing wrong and any guilt or shame is not theirs to carry.

scottishgirl69 · 28/02/2026 21:43

Boxingshibes · 28/02/2026 18:56

Dd will not report. They have been checked for stuff and pregnancy due to ongoing Utis which is now probably relevant.
Dd is pretending everything is OK.
I was raped at the same age I blocked it out as I thought no one would believe me. But we want to help/support.
It will happen again but I can't make dd do anything.

What do you mean it will happen again

scottishgirl69 · 28/02/2026 21:45

Boxingshibes · 28/02/2026 18:56

Dd will not report. They have been checked for stuff and pregnancy due to ongoing Utis which is now probably relevant.
Dd is pretending everything is OK.
I was raped at the same age I blocked it out as I thought no one would believe me. But we want to help/support.
It will happen again but I can't make dd do anything.

Are you saying this person has raped other people. Surely the college need to know

SENDChaos · 28/02/2026 21:46

scottishgirl69 · 28/02/2026 21:43

What do you mean it will happen again

There’s not one of my female friends that haven’t been SA, more than once

SENDChaos · 28/02/2026 21:48

scottishgirl69 · 28/02/2026 21:45

Are you saying this person has raped other people. Surely the college need to know

He was expelled from college for wanking in public

scottishgirl69 · 28/02/2026 21:48

SENDChaos · 28/02/2026 21:46

There’s not one of my female friends that haven’t been SA, more than once

I asked a question and from the posts the OP has made this person has done it to others.

I think that's what they meant. That that person would rape again

scottishgirl69 · 28/02/2026 21:50

SENDChaos · 28/02/2026 21:48

He was expelled from college for wanking in public

Listen. I'm going to leave this thread here. I'm aware of that. They might not know the person is a rapist

I've been sexually assaulted too by the way. I do know how hard it is

SENDChaos · 28/02/2026 21:50

scottishgirl69 · 28/02/2026 21:48

I asked a question and from the posts the OP has made this person has done it to others.

I think that's what they meant. That that person would rape again

Of course he’s going to do it again.

Warmlight1 · 28/02/2026 21:50

Glitterfarti · 28/02/2026 21:43

I used to work in this arena. My advice is to tell your child you believe them and are really glad they told you, you will be ready to help them if they want to take it further but their body is their business and you will respect their privacy and their choices.

If they would like, you can put the stuff they were wearing in a plastic bag and put it away (if it hasn’t been washed) so they don’t have to look at it and if they do want to report at a later time it has been preserved.

It’s a good idea if they’re up to it for them to write down in their own words what happened and how they feel. They can put it in an envelope and put it away for the future if needed, but can help to get the feelings out, and to see it written down can help to understand what it was and to process it.

You should write it down too, and put it somewhere safe. On top of this, journaling would be good for both of you. Please do contact Rape Crisis/Stonewall etc for help.

Your child will go through a grief cycle (anger/denial/bargaining etc) and may ‘act out’ sexually or otherwise. Being attacked by a friend (and someone from a community you trust) is like insult to injury as the betrayal and injustice and hurt can be overwhelming and survivors are more likely to blame themselves because it wasn’t a chance encounter in an alley kind of thing.

If you do report it, they should have a specialist sexual offences trained officer assigned promptly who will guide them through choices and help them make a statement or record of what happened.

They can talk to someone at a sexual assault referral centre (SARC) or the GP for some psychological support. Unfortunately, sexual assault is very, very common, they have done absolutely nothing wrong and any guilt or shame is not theirs to carry.

This is all such good practical.advice. I dealt with a situation and the best thing I did was write an account of what I had heard that day and e mail it to myself.
When the police did eventually become involved that informed my statement because it was a contemporaneous account and I drew on it for my statement. You might think you will never forget those words and details but you'd be amazed how your memory changes in days and weeks. Record any observations as well. X

SENcatsandfish · 28/02/2026 21:51

Glitterfarti · 28/02/2026 21:43

I used to work in this arena. My advice is to tell your child you believe them and are really glad they told you, you will be ready to help them if they want to take it further but their body is their business and you will respect their privacy and their choices.

If they would like, you can put the stuff they were wearing in a plastic bag and put it away (if it hasn’t been washed) so they don’t have to look at it and if they do want to report at a later time it has been preserved.

It’s a good idea if they’re up to it for them to write down in their own words what happened and how they feel. They can put it in an envelope and put it away for the future if needed, but can help to get the feelings out, and to see it written down can help to understand what it was and to process it.

You should write it down too, and put it somewhere safe. On top of this, journaling would be good for both of you. Please do contact Rape Crisis/Stonewall etc for help.

Your child will go through a grief cycle (anger/denial/bargaining etc) and may ‘act out’ sexually or otherwise. Being attacked by a friend (and someone from a community you trust) is like insult to injury as the betrayal and injustice and hurt can be overwhelming and survivors are more likely to blame themselves because it wasn’t a chance encounter in an alley kind of thing.

If you do report it, they should have a specialist sexual offences trained officer assigned promptly who will guide them through choices and help them make a statement or record of what happened.

They can talk to someone at a sexual assault referral centre (SARC) or the GP for some psychological support. Unfortunately, sexual assault is very, very common, they have done absolutely nothing wrong and any guilt or shame is not theirs to carry.

I agree with this advice.

I was 15, my stepmother called me a slapper and all sorts and blamed me. Then also forced me to report it to the police saying "you cant let him to do it to anyone else". It really confused me. I know a lot of people are saying "you can't let him do it to someone else" or similar but this is 100% not something any victim needs to hear.

Boxingshibes · 28/02/2026 21:52

Apparently he has done this to others and a sibling. His mother didn't believe his sister as he is 'trans' but others at college have said he did 4 out if dds friends it has happened to who are ftm. He tried it with another mtf trans student who beat the shit out of him.

Hes been expelled not in work but still comes into the college grounds and creeps.

OP posts:
ColdWeatherWarning · 28/02/2026 21:55

So he has raped 6 people, and attempted more? Horrifying

The police really need to know his name, even if you don't want him charged. Can't you just log it?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/02/2026 22:02

I think given the gravity of his crimes here, you really do need to report it, everything you know about all of the attacks, as in numbers etc. And the college wanking crime.

This man needs to be prosecuted and this could be the first step to them investigating this sick pervert.

I'm so sorry your daughter has gone through this.

DisabledDemon · 28/02/2026 22:12

Your poor daughter! On a practical level, she needs a pregnancy test and testing for STIs - this person is obviously not in the habit of practising safe sex.

If she can be persuaded to go the police, that would be great and might save someone else from suffering the same fate.

On a personal level, I'd want to find the little shit and beat him to a bloody pulp.

Abd80 · 28/02/2026 22:14

You have to go to the police. This rapist is at large. And will do it again ! Have you contacted rape crisis centre for support ?

Nosejobnelly · 28/02/2026 22:17

Im really sorry to hear this, if she doesn’t want police can you speak to a rape charity - and encourage police involvement- this ‘child’ is dangerous. Maybe get a restraining order?
Wanking in class - wtf.

Nosejobnelly · 28/02/2026 22:17

Boxingshibes · 28/02/2026 21:52

Apparently he has done this to others and a sibling. His mother didn't believe his sister as he is 'trans' but others at college have said he did 4 out if dds friends it has happened to who are ftm. He tried it with another mtf trans student who beat the shit out of him.

Hes been expelled not in work but still comes into the college grounds and creeps.

He raped his sister?

Boxingshibes · 28/02/2026 22:23

Apparently.
How would I get a non-mol order.
He only lives 5 mins from college so creeps around.

OP posts:
IReallyDontKnowClouds · 28/02/2026 22:26

I am so so sorry this has happened to your daughter. I can’t imagine how you have been feeling. The fact your daughter had told you is the first big step. Now you can be the support for her that she really needs.

In this situation your daughter comes first, even above any potential future victims. it is really really really important that the responsibility for this man’s future actions do not rest on your daughter’s shoulders. She has a mountain to climb recovering from this and no victim should be made to feel that they are responsible for stopping their attractors actions. It can add another layer of trauma.

My thoughts are with you both as you navigate through this 💐

Chaibiscuits · 28/02/2026 22:34

AstonUniversityPotholeDepartment · 28/02/2026 18:44

Unfortunately, this kind of sexual abuse is rife amongst the trans community. I slowly began to realise this when I was your DD's age and a female enby friend was abused by a male who identified as female.

Nothing has improved in this respect, culturally speaking, in the decades since.

She needs rape counselling as the priority. I can truly understand why she doesn't want to go to college, but if she doesn't, her life is going to be sidetracked. I've seen so many young female adults exclude themselves from opportunities and life progression because of trauma inflicted upon them from sexual violence. Meanwhile the perpetrators carry on, leaving wrecked lives behind them.

Quite right. Sexual abuse and rape rarely happen outside of the trans community…

90sTrifle · 28/02/2026 22:37

Boxingshibes · 28/02/2026 18:26

They are not in contact. Dd is 17. The other person is 18.
As they are all part of the trans community they became friends.
Its awful dd doesn't want to report it but the fact is it'll happen again. Apparently the other person has tried and it has happened with other trans people at dds college.
Can we anonymously report to police??

Yes. As at least it’s on file for when one of his victims does come forward.

saffy2 · 28/02/2026 22:42

LBFseBrom · 28/02/2026 20:03

You said DD2, presumably your daughter, why use 'they' and 'them'? It sounds like more than one child.

This is awful. She needs to speak to a rape crisis counsellor, that's the first thing.

Poor kid.

Because the child identifies as male.

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