To not invite stepdaughter on this outing?

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

I live with my husband, his daughter (16) and my two children (16, 13). DSD is 6 months older than DS1, who turned 16 only a few weeks ago. As a birthday treat for him we’re going up to London clothes shopping tomorrow with my brother who they absolutely adore. At first it was only me, DB and DS1 but then DS2 said they wanted to come and DS1 said they wanted them to join us.

DSD goes to her mum every weekend so at first I’m afraid to say it didn’t cross my mind to invite them. However, I’ve been feeling guilty about it…BUT, DSD is a moody teenager (as they all are to be honest) and takes a lot of it out on DS1. Pretty much every time he talks to her she rudely tells him to shut up. I call her out on it but it never changes. So for that reason I don’t want them to come. I asked DS1 is he was ok with them not coming and he said yes he was.

so AIBU?

The thing is when someone posts that their child is left out in a blended family situation everybody jumps that and say should have been included as they are family, how rude blah blah. When is the DH' poster child everyone says well they are not related, she doesen't need entertaining, which for me is such a contradiction on posts on mumsnet. Is not just a shopping trip is birthday, what effect miggt have on the child being in a house without father where she is being left out I would be so hurt!

So if you get married he or she is not related to you is just pretend? No, parents are married legally they are a family, is not pretending is a fact.

100%

So most of the time, as your DH is away, this poor girl is left being the awkward fourth wheel in a house with you and your two sons? Yes I’d be pretty rude to, not that it’s your fault, but it doesn’t sound great for her self esteem to be the add on to an existing family with her dad being absent all the time?

Thank you for answering. It might be dificult for her with her dad not being around. Her being rude has no excuse though and should be nipped in the bud. However, do not leave her out and do not shun her, be firm but kind this is a very tricky age for any child let alone one that is not yours biologically. When she is there she should be treated as family that comes with you not taking her bulshit but also not disengage with her. Just put yourself in her shoes for a bit, how would you feel? We are hurt as adults when friends leave us out, let alone family.

No, that's usually a post involving grandparents who want to take their bio grandchildren and not the OP's out, or where the couple has joint children as well as children from previous relationships, and the mum (for example) expects the DH to leave out one of his bio children. For e.g. mum posts wanting a family holiday with DH and joint baby but not with her SD or SS.
In this case neither of these boys are his, this is not an uncle to his SD, and any other Saturday she'd be at her mum's. He just doesn't want to be at home with her.

I don't have siblings but I have cousins who definitely stayed at home when they were 16 rather than going out with everyone. In fact I used to be working on Saturdays at 16.

That is an important detail that I missed, the uncle. It makes more sense, sorry for that. Maybe they can go out with uncle and do something at home where everyone is included, a cake and takeaway, board games or something nice at home.

That's rude and unnecesary.

Your DB is taking the boys clothes shopping as a birthday treat for your eldest. SD will have no interest in where theyre going. Your H can spend some quality time with his DD.

So your husband wants you to take his daughter with you who he doesn’t see most Sundays-Thursdays while he is going to be at home on a Saturday. Right. He doesn’t see her all week, then she’s at her moms at the weekend?

Does he not think that it might be a good opportunity for him to spend some time with her, and you know…. do some parenting?

Yeah that's what I mean - takeaway for DS's 16th birthday, yes definitely, include everyone. But if their mum's brother wants to take his nephews out - no obligation to invite SD. Would DH's sister take SD out for her birthday and invite the OP's 2 boys? Probably not.

Look at the answers on post about husband family not inviting OP daughter from previous marriage: Eldest child not invited to wedding but sister is
232 replies
Same situation, OP fewling hurt except is a wedding answers are very different, many saying you are a family unit you should all be invited, but here because child is of DH is very different. Is verry sad to see the double standards.

Fair enough, just a bit sad to see posters saying they are not related she should entertain herself that is very cruel and with this I take issue but whatever

This.

Nope. At least half of the replies say it's fair enough as the bride would have to invite her sister's 3 stepdaughters, it's their wedding and their guest list, and that the DH can take their youngest. You'll always get a mix.

It’s also not a comparable situation. Firstly it’s a wedding, not a birthday outing for a teenage boy. Secondly, the four of them (mum, dad, DSD and younger sibling) live together full time and DSD doesn’t see her dad, so they’re a household. And thirdly, the bride and groom had invited the mum, the dad, and their younger child, but not the DSD - so she was the only one excluded. That’s a bit different from being at home with her dad.

And even with all that considered, there’s a split of answers.

I thought you had dumped this useless speciman last year?

Agree with other posters since I have a blended family and treat everyone exactly the same as does dh never had any problems because every child is our child as far as we are concerned. Would never invite 2 and not one all that palaver, shows preference and tbh your not that nice about her which comes across to me. Have a fab relationship with all our teenagers and there are 6 plus several younger and every single one will go thru moody times especially the girls bless them but that's for a parent to navigate not to blame a child for it

It does sound like a men/ boys focussed trip, albeit you’ll be there.

Seems like there’ll be little to interest her!

Sounds like your husband just wants the time to himself to me!

@MyGhastIsFlabbered I read this incredibly harsh comment here, then searched some of your other posts. Now I agree, he IS a useless specimen. I found people making comments to you four years ago about how he never puts you first, never helps you etc.

You've written multiple times about how he’s on thin ice, you’re not sure if you will be able to continue with the marriage etc etc etc.

The problem here isn’t a birthday trip and will DSD go or not, the problem is your DH. If you separate and the children still want to meet up independently they can do that. And if they don’t want to, that’s fine. But as long as you remain together, problems will still be there. It’s not you, it’s not the kids, it’s him.

Doesn't matter where it is, excluding one child is unkind.

Would OP leave her at home if it was her own daughter? I doubt it. This will make the poor kid feel terrible.

The crappy behaviour is a separate issue and needs dealing with by her dad, but you can't form a composite family and then just exclude the step kids when they piss you off.

You chose to marry a man with a kid and by doing that you committed to the kid too.She didn't ask to have to share her parent with you.

I think the pair of you need to sort yourselves out. You both sound vile, that poor lass stuck with time with you both

Her parent’s not coming on the trip though.

Sounds like she’d change the dynamic anyway. And at 16 she’s old enough to understand that not everyone gets to do everything. Her dad can arrange to do something with just her if he feels she’s being left out.