To not invite stepdaughter on this outing?

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

I live with my husband, his daughter (16) and my two children (16, 13). DSD is 6 months older than DS1, who turned 16 only a few weeks ago. As a birthday treat for him we’re going up to London clothes shopping tomorrow with my brother who they absolutely adore. At first it was only me, DB and DS1 but then DS2 said they wanted to come and DS1 said they wanted them to join us.

DSD goes to her mum every weekend so at first I’m afraid to say it didn’t cross my mind to invite them. However, I’ve been feeling guilty about it…BUT, DSD is a moody teenager (as they all are to be honest) and takes a lot of it out on DS1. Pretty much every time he talks to her she rudely tells him to shut up. I call her out on it but it never changes. So for that reason I don’t want them to come. I asked DS1 is he was ok with them not coming and he said yes he was.

so AIBU?

Was anything organised for DSD’s birthday? If so, what, and who was included?

Even if the children were biologically related I can't see an issues with the two boys having an outing with their uncle and not their sister who doesn't even sound like she wants to go. Don't most families do different things with different groupings depending on interests.

To balance things out we do a lot just with DSD because she’s really into gigs and the DSs aren’t, so it’s not like she doesn’t ever do anything. And as I stated before I doubt she even knows we’re going.

I don’t really know where I’ve been vile @bluesky9 but thanks for that.

DS2 has AuDHD and has missed out on things because he wouldn’t cope with them so it’s not a case of DSD being the only person excluded.

As for the DH problem, that’s not something I wish to derail this thread with.

IIRC I took DSD to get her nose pierced then she, DH and me went out for pizza. DSs were with their dad. I think she also got gig tickets, which again DSs didn’t come to.

You cannot reach inside a child's brain and make him/her think of another child as 'family'. It makes no difference who is married to whom.

Nope. Your DH can do something nice with her if he wants to. You don't all need to do everything together, particularly if her behaviour is likely to negatively impact your son's treat.

So step mums are free not to invite stepchildren but step fathers and extended family have to include all children in their birthday parties, weddings and other events?

People who do not live in step families do not routinely all go out to buy clothing together. It is totally reasonable that you take the boys and your brother to buy boys' clothing.
It would also have been normal for just you and any one child to go to buy clothing. Also fine for you (or DH) and DSD to go alone to buy clothing, haircut, anything etc.

Most important here is that it is your DS's birthday and he gets to dictate who goes with him on his shopping trip.
Your DH is not invited, and can't go anyway due to having to be home with his daughter until she leaves to go to her mothers'.

Nonsense

Is your DH away this weekend for work then? Based on that I would do something including everyone and possibly postpone the shopping trip if you know she will lose interest.
If I have got it wrong and he is there then DH needs to do something with his daughter and not expect you to take her along on your day out.

This ^ is spot on

100% no - this is a boys trip, with you as the exception but your brother, your sons and a birthday to celebrate
DH is probably narked you will have fun and he’s left behind looking after moody teen

Please hold firm and leave the two dark clouds well behind!!

As well as it being a boys’ trip, I would be blunt and say there are consequences of DSD’s rude behaviour. Tell this DSD and DH.

It’s not a family outing.

DS1 uncle invited him for a birthday day out. He then invited his brother.

It’s his birthday and his choice who he invites.

If you and DH had decided to take both boys and excluded DSD I’d have felt differently - if the exclusion was against her wishes rather than she wasn’t going to be there.

No? I said I wouldn't expect DH's sister to take her niece shopping for her birthday and invite the 2 boys.
This isn't a wedding or a birthday party. Can you not see that someone inviting three members of a household to a wedding but not the fourth is different to one parent spending time with a child while the other takes the other two shopping?
She's 16. As I said I was working at that age, going to my boyfriend's, sleeping at my best mate's every Friday night. I went abroad for a week. If she wanted to go to London she could go herself, or go with them on the train with a mate and take her spending money to some shops she is interested in.

It’s a perfect opportunity for DH to bond with his DD - especially as he is away with work most of the time she is with you. I imagine he’s stropping as he now has to entertain her on his own.

Why is she even in your house when her father is away?!! The whole point of her going to your house is to spend time with her father and if he’s not there then she should be with her other parent!! You aren’t her parent or responsible for her and your boys shouldn’t have to put up with her and her stroppy rude behaviour!

She lives there.

Frankly living situation sounds shit for all the kids. I feel sorry for them. And if you and DH are on thin ice anyway why subject them all to it any longer? Poor kids in this “blended” family.

I think you DSD should be grateful you've spared her the misery of a boys shopping trip for clothes!

Correct. You make the child feel like part of the family that's how you let them know they are family.

To everyone commenting on DH, I am working on getting my ducks in a row