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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite stepdaughter on this outing?

73 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/02/2026 17:49

I live with my husband, his daughter (16) and my two children (16, 13). DSD is 6 months older than DS1, who turned 16 only a few weeks ago. As a birthday treat for him we’re going up to London clothes shopping tomorrow with my brother who they absolutely adore. At first it was only me, DB and DS1 but then DS2 said they wanted to come and DS1 said they wanted them to join us.

DSD goes to her mum every weekend so at first I’m afraid to say it didn’t cross my mind to invite them. However, I’ve been feeling guilty about it…BUT, DSD is a moody teenager (as they all are to be honest) and takes a lot of it out on DS1. Pretty much every time he talks to her she rudely tells him to shut up. I call her out on it but it never changes. So for that reason I don’t want them to come. I asked DS1 is he was ok with them not coming and he said yes he was.

so AIBU?

OP posts:
Sartre · 27/02/2026 17:51

It’s his birthday and should be his choice. He’s also 16 which is a big milestone birthday so definitely shouldn’t be overshadowed by someone throwing a tantrum.

Helpwithdivorce · 27/02/2026 17:51

It’s an outing with your children and your brother. I see no reason why she should go. It’s not like her dad is even going

Ninerainbows · 27/02/2026 17:51

She'll be at her mum's anyway. Why would you invite her?

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 27/02/2026 17:52

I would suggest making sure that different people go different places routinely in your family, so that individual situations are normal. This is a boys’ trip. On other occasions do a big kids’ trip.

When it’s routine that we don’t all go all the places, it’s easier.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2026 17:56

Why would you feel bad? She won’t be there and even if she was why should he have to share a birthday outing with someone who’s so revolting to him?

Isthateveryonethen · 27/02/2026 17:57

are you feeling guilty because you know you are forcing this horrible child on your son? Why does your child need to be spoken to in such a bad way by someone who is no relation to him?

simpledeer · 27/02/2026 18:02

Why are you asking? Has DSD/DH challenged your decision?

What are you doing about DSD treatment of DS?

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/02/2026 18:17

A few more facts…due to circumstances DSD isn’t actually going to her mum’s until tomorrow so will
be here when we go. Also, DS wants to go clothes shopping and DSD doesn’t care about clothes one bit so would be bored at that and want to go to record shops, which DSs won’t be interested in.

OP posts:
WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 27/02/2026 18:17

DS1s uncle is taking him out for a birthday treat. That’s all the explanation you need, this ones not for her.

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/02/2026 18:20

simpledeer · 27/02/2026 18:02

Why are you asking? Has DSD/DH challenged your decision?

What are you doing about DSD treatment of DS?

DH is stropping about it, but I think this is more because I’m doing something with my family and there is mutual antipathy there (but that’s a whole other thread). I’m not sure DSD is even aware of the trip to be honest - they tend to be oblivious to anything that doesn’t concern them.

Every single time DSD is horrible I challenge it and I speak to DH but he doesn’t do anything. DH and I are on thin ice anyway so this may be the final straw anyway.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 27/02/2026 18:34

Why should he spend his birthday treat with someone who is nasty to him?

Eskarina1 · 27/02/2026 18:40

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/02/2026 18:20

DH is stropping about it, but I think this is more because I’m doing something with my family and there is mutual antipathy there (but that’s a whole other thread). I’m not sure DSD is even aware of the trip to be honest - they tend to be oblivious to anything that doesn’t concern them.

Every single time DSD is horrible I challenge it and I speak to DH but he doesn’t do anything. DH and I are on thin ice anyway so this may be the final straw anyway.

Show quote history

Final straw seems like a reasonable reaction to him stropping and making your ds's 16th birthday about him.

MmeWorthington · 27/02/2026 18:48

It’s a clothes shopping trip for clothes for men and boys.

Emphasise the Boys Outing nature of it.

Plus, she’s going to her Mums later in the day. So 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sasha07 · 27/02/2026 18:54

It could also be a way for her to spend some one on one time with her dad. I'd have loved it if my step family went out for the day so I could have been alone with my dad! Unfortunately, he put them before us and seemed to feel more comfortable having his new family with us at all times...
She may not even want to go but regardless, son's birthday = son chooses. You'd think her dad would also look forward to spending some quality time together with her... Unless he secretly CBA with her and is annoyed you're not going to be there to see to her.

Xkk · 27/02/2026 19:00

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/02/2026 17:49

I live with my husband, his daughter (16) and my two children (16, 13). DSD is 6 months older than DS1, who turned 16 only a few weeks ago. As a birthday treat for him we’re going up to London clothes shopping tomorrow with my brother who they absolutely adore. At first it was only me, DB and DS1 but then DS2 said they wanted to come and DS1 said they wanted them to join us.

DSD goes to her mum every weekend so at first I’m afraid to say it didn’t cross my mind to invite them. However, I’ve been feeling guilty about it…BUT, DSD is a moody teenager (as they all are to be honest) and takes a lot of it out on DS1. Pretty much every time he talks to her she rudely tells him to shut up. I call her out on it but it never changes. So for that reason I don’t want them to come. I asked DS1 is he was ok with them not coming and he said yes he was.

so AIBU?

I will go against everyone here. You say you didn't invite her first because she will be at her mums. Then you say she is moody that's why you don't want them to come. Which one is it? Is DSD so horrible or you trying to justify you not inviting her? How are your children with her? Why is she rude? If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel, your husband going on a day out with daughter celebrating a birthday without inviting yours? Would you be ok with that? I would be hurt of I was him I'll be honest. The being rude thing is another issue, should be dealt with separately and if rude on the day absolutely should be warned and dropped home. But excluding from the start a step child from family outing is cruel.

Xkk · 27/02/2026 19:02

Isthateveryonethen · 27/02/2026 17:57

are you feeling guilty because you know you are forcing this horrible child on your son? Why does your child need to be spoken to in such a bad way by someone who is no relation to him?

No relation??? They OP and DP are married, children are step siblings, they are a family!!!

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2026 19:09

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/02/2026 18:20

DH is stropping about it, but I think this is more because I’m doing something with my family and there is mutual antipathy there (but that’s a whole other thread). I’m not sure DSD is even aware of the trip to be honest - they tend to be oblivious to anything that doesn’t concern them.

Every single time DSD is horrible I challenge it and I speak to DH but he doesn’t do anything. DH and I are on thin ice anyway so this may be the final straw anyway.

Show quote history

It will be a good thing if this is the final straw. You are currently making your children live with an unrelated child who is horrible to them. You have a choice, they don’t.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2026 19:11

Eskarina1 · 27/02/2026 18:40

Final straw seems like a reasonable reaction to him stropping and making your ds's 16th birthday about him.

Show quote history

Did you miss most of her posts? The bits about where his dd is consistently nasty to her children and he does nothing? Or the ‘we’re already on thin ice bit.’
op - I wouldn’t put my children second for the best man in the world, let alone one you don’t really like.

HalzTangz · 27/02/2026 19:15

If husband is stropping my response would be, ok let's compromise, why don't we all go, me and the boys and uncl will go clothes shopping, you and daughter can go have some dad and daughter time. We can all meet for lunch, then go off and do our own things, meeting up at time to leave

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/02/2026 19:17

@Xkkto explain. Originally I didn’t invite her because I thought she’d be with her mum. Then I found out that she wouldn’t be, but this week she’s been thoroughly obnoxious and I did feel I didn’t want her to come as this is my son’s treat and I was worried it would turn into the DSD show.

I don’t have a problem with teens being stroppy, it goes with the territory, but both DSs have commented before on how rude she can me and how she never apologises.

To be fair they’re not exposed to it endlessly as she tends to stay in her room apart from feeding time. I am cutting her some slack as DH is currently working away so isn’t home Sunday evening to Thursday evening. I’m not sure she misses him but I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt, whilst making it clear I won’t tolerate this behaviour. It is working as I got an apology this week - that never happens.

ETA: things haven’t been great for a while now, though the boys have always said in the past that they don’t want to lose her as a stepsister, though that is possibly wearing off due to the increasing rudeness.

OP posts:
Motheranddaughter · 27/02/2026 19:21

Xkk · 27/02/2026 19:02

No relation??? They OP and DP are married, children are step siblings, they are a family!!!

Show quote history

They are unrelated and all the pretending they are does not change that

Bearbookagainandagain · 27/02/2026 19:30

If your husband was going too then yes it would be unreasonable, but it's only your side of the family so I don't see the problem.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 27/02/2026 19:35

Xkk · 27/02/2026 19:00

I will go against everyone here. You say you didn't invite her first because she will be at her mums. Then you say she is moody that's why you don't want them to come. Which one is it? Is DSD so horrible or you trying to justify you not inviting her? How are your children with her? Why is she rude? If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel, your husband going on a day out with daughter celebrating a birthday without inviting yours? Would you be ok with that? I would be hurt of I was him I'll be honest. The being rude thing is another issue, should be dealt with separately and if rude on the day absolutely should be warned and dropped home. But excluding from the start a step child from family outing is cruel.

Show quote history

Cruel? Oh don’t be so ridiculous. She’s not a baby, she’s sixteen. And it’s a shopping trip, not a fortnight in the Bahamas.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/02/2026 19:41

So does your DH want to go too or he just feels that it's your obligation to entertain his daughter because he wants to do his own thing and his ex wife usually has her on weekends? What. A. Shit if that's the case.

outerspacepotato · 27/02/2026 19:57

Your husband wants you to take her on your son's birthday outing with his uncle so he's not stuck with her. What a dad. 🙄

I would have a big talk with your husband. He should have been firm that she be polite to your kids. You have a mangled family, not a blended one, and it sounds like his avoidance of holding his daughter to certain standards of behaviour and not wanting to spend time with her plays a big part in that.

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