7 year old child left alone whilst dad goes to the shop

[Pinkie89]

My recently turned 7 year old son has just told me that when he’s at his dad’s, he is sometimes left alone whilst dad goes to the shop. Said shop is a 10 min walk each way. So I’m thinking he’s left alone for a minimum of 30mins! Dad closes the curtains and leaves him a key to get out incase there is a fire.
I am in shock! My son can’t use a key at my house, so I doubt he could use one there! Good forbid something happened. I’m questioning my own judgement but surely this isn’t normal/acceptable? What would you do in this situation? I don’t want to ruin the relationship I have with his dad and make things awkward but I don’t feel like this is something I should have to teach him, as a grown man I’d expect him to know this isn’t ok and very dangerous! Also, he has all week to do his shopping! Or he could grow a pair, realise he’s the parent and tell my son he has to go with him!

I forgot that magical moment at midnight of the 7th birthday that make it so very different to 6.

But if he's magical SEVEN!!!! then he's perfectly capable of brushing his own teeth, surely? And having a smart phone, don't piddle about with a silly watch. Really he should be making the dinner while you're out so everyone can enjoy a meal together when the parents get back.

How far specifically though? You wouldn’t leave a 9 year old alone for 20/25 mins? 12 years? 14?

”Far” seems quite a stretch.

Not every feeling a child has is optimal or normal. Why should a 7 yo child feel terrified in her own home? Is there an immediate threat? If not, why should a child not have a proportionate response to a short period there by herself?

Yes, he's 7. That's how ages work. He's not 6 anymore. Ageing is a gradual process, but each new year of life we accumulate is significant and adds to our cognitive and physical abiities, especially when we are children.
Sometimes kids need a bit of encouragement to clean their own teeth, because it's boring. That doesn't mean the same child is incapable of opening/unlocking doors or contacting an adult in an emergency.
Phone watches are a great way to stay in touch with a child without buying them the digital crackpipe that is a smartphone. It's good to be assess risks with a clear head and to protect kids where there is actually clear danger whilst also promoting resilience and independence as much as possible.

When that feeling is irrational, yes.

A 7yo should not be "terrified" of being alone in their own home. If they are, then something has gone wrong somewhere (assuming they're neurotypical and not disabled etc).

I recently watched becoming you. It’s about the first 2000 days of life (0-5 years old). I watched a 3 year old walk out of a high rise Tokyo apartment, traverse a busy city, buy something and then return home. Apparently this is an important cultural milestone called ‘the first errand’. Honestly it has made me question our British parenting.

In Germany and Austria it's legal for 6 year olds to take public transport or walk to school alone. Obviously quite rare in cities but not unheard of. In German culture, 7 year olds can be left home alone for up to 2 hours. (The parents still carry responsibility for the child in case anything serious happens, but 2 hours is a societal norm that many people don't really bat an eyelid at)

What if something happens to the dad whilst he's out? What if the child falls and knocks himself out? What if the child eats something and chokes?
So many different scenarios.
Totally unacceptable. Apart from anything else a loud noise can be scary at 7 years old.
Lazy bastard. He should take the child with him.

I can't get my head around a 7 year old not having been taught how to lock and unlock a door. There are several situations where that could be a big problem.

The immediate threat would be her knowing she is on her own. It’s not black and white… not all 7 year olds are fine with it and yes I think that’s normal for a child that age. My DD would be very upset.
Not sure why people are so bothered about a 7 year old not feeling safe if there isn’t an adult around. I can see who aren’t the normal ones.

Agree. I grew up in the UK with an anxious mother. I wasn't allowed to walk down the drive by myself to go to the house next door. I wasn't allowed to do anything physical she perceived as dangerous - I wanted a bunk bed, which was denied in case I fell off the ladder. Wasn't allowed on trampolines in case I ended up in a wheelchair. This all gave me low confidence in my own abilities and an anxiety disorder.

I live in Germany now, where resilience and self-sufficiency are high priorities in early childhood education. My kids can walk around the neighbourhood alone, they go to the supermarket alone, they are sometimes home by themselves. They feel proud of themselves for being trusted to be independent, and they enjoy having the run of the house. They are so much less fearful and anxious than I was as a kid, so much more confident. It's great to see.

The UK is so weird and inconsistent with some things - multiple MN threads about parents being pressured to send kids to school when sick or badly injured, but a 7 yo isn't considered capable of remaining safe in their own home for 30 mins.

I think it’s too young. My DCs dad left him for about 15 mins when he went to the shop. Said he will be fine, he watches tv for longer when we do other stuff - ie cooking, having a bath etc. whilst I said yes I understand, but what if something happened to you and you didn’t make it back? Run over by a car, random drop down dead or something! He then agreed & realised it was wrong. Never happened again and won’t for a long time.

So none of your 7 year olds play outside with friends? Why are all these intruders suddenly appearing in what I can only imagine is an average 3/4 bedroom house?

7 year olds would be fine. I’ve popped next door for longer chats!

I actually think almost no 7 year olds play out with friends.

I'm talking about an actual physical threat.
Being afraid when there is no physical threat present usually means someone has an anxiety disorder. For a very small child I can understand being afraid of being alone, but at 7 children should understand their own home isn't dangerous.

At 7 there’s literally no good reason to leave him alone when he could very easily just walk with him to the shop!!

That’s sad!! The kids in my class hang out together after school.

It will really depend on where you live. I never thought I was an overly lax parent but I felt the post talking about leaving a 5&3 year old in the house for minutes while walking to the car parked on the street was actual insanity, but because of where we live I don’t think she would play out at 7 or any age soon after that!
I’ve never seen kids younger than about 12/3 about here. And to be fair there are some busier roads, lots of cars and it’s not super quiet or residential.

I definitely think they will be missing out from not having the childhood I had, but I don’t see how it would be possible now.

It’s wild. I have a just turned 4yo. Not sure I would let them go to the corner shop 1 minute away let alone this crazy journey this child took! So it made me question a lot of things. Why are these kids more resilient? Are they or do they just become because they made them through exposure and expectation. I don’t know. It was wild to watch.

But in the context of that I don’t understand how a 7yo can’t stay at home. But I don’t have a 7yo yet so what do I know.

'terrified' seems like an extreme reaction to me.

Sometimes they’re just happy playing though? At 7 is there really a good reason to make them go with you for 15 minutes if they’re busy and happy?

My DD doesn’t have an anxiety disorder but she does have Autism. All the more reason not to leave her alone, yes? She would be terrified on her own but it’s a shame I have had to explain myself because of an abrupt comment, “That’s not normal, surely?”

I still stand by that 7 is very young and some of them wouldn’t like to be left on their own even NT children, even at home.

Yes he’s year 2, he turned 7 last month. I also don’t think any of his peers would be responsible enough to be left alone for a minimum of 30 mins.

He turned 7 last month, how is that not a young 7 year old?

They are more resilient because instead of being given the impression that they are incompetent babies who can't do anything without an adult around, they are treated as competent individuals who are capable of certain age-appropriate tasks, privileges and obligations. And because instead of being given the impression the world (including their own home) is a deeply dangerous place with literal death traps hiding behind every corner, they are told the world is a safe place that one can enjoy and explore, as long as one is sensible and sufficiently cautious.
And because I know people will jump on "competent" - treating kids as competent doesn't mean you think they can get a credit card and drive a car. It means you assess their cognitive/physical abilities and the risks to them in a sober and critical fashion, and then give them as much independence and autonomy as is possible at each stage of development.