7 year old child left alone whilst dad goes to the shop

[Pinkie89]

My recently turned 7 year old son has just told me that when he’s at his dad’s, he is sometimes left alone whilst dad goes to the shop. Said shop is a 10 min walk each way. So I’m thinking he’s left alone for a minimum of 30mins! Dad closes the curtains and leaves him a key to get out incase there is a fire.
I am in shock! My son can’t use a key at my house, so I doubt he could use one there! Good forbid something happened. I’m questioning my own judgement but surely this isn’t normal/acceptable? What would you do in this situation? I don’t want to ruin the relationship I have with his dad and make things awkward but I don’t feel like this is something I should have to teach him, as a grown man I’d expect him to know this isn’t ok and very dangerous! Also, he has all week to do his shopping! Or he could grow a pair, realise he’s the parent and tell my son he has to go with him!

Of course he can open the door, but he can’t unlock mine. He was 6 last month! Why would my son need to unlock a door? My ex hasn’t even got a phone that my son could use.

I live in another European country and I’m surprised to read everyone’s views on this. I’ve left my now 7yo home alone for 30 mins several times by now. I always ask him if he feels ok and safe to stay alone, and he’s said yes. He watches a cartoon while I’m away and has a phone. I call him halfway my trip to ask if all’s good - and he knows how to call me if needed. I honestly don’t see an issue with this. Yes the house could catch fire while I’m gone, but I really don’t want to live my daily life worrying about things that have a tiny likelihood of happening. How could I get into a car with my kids - I think the chance of a fatal car accident is bigger than house burning when I’m away for 30 mins. Needless to say, in the 90s 7yos stayed routinely alone at home the whole afternoon while parents worked.

I’m tempted to call social services and ask them their stance on this. Because if they say it’s at parental discretion then you will have no power to do anything about it and will cause upset with your ex. If they agree it’s too young then you can raise it with your ex and if he doesn’t stop you have the record of that with SS to take the next step should you have to

Let me save you the call: they won't be interested.

What if you pass out for some reason at home and he needs to open the door to the ambulance? You can’t predict what’s going to happen.
Teaching them things like this gives them such a sense of pride and is really good for them. You can give them skills even if they won’t need to use them alone for years.
My son is a few months older than yours. He opens the front door with my key when my hands are full, for example. He goes to the shop alone, pops to the neighbours with a parcel, and cooks simple food on the hob. He folds his own clothes and puts them away when I leave them in his room, and he can run the hoover round the living room and put the washing machine on. I haven’t left him alone because he prefers that I don’t, but I have no doubt he’d be fine if I did. He loves these kind of grown-up tasks and I think it’s important that he does them.

What if you fell and hit your head, or had a fit, and he needed to ring an ambulance and let them in?

There was a video online a while ago of a little kid who answered the door to the postman to ask them to help their mum as she was unwell and needed help. He saved her life.

You're doing your son a disservice by babying him in the way you are.

It’s borderline, very dependent on the child. I was definitely left and sent to the shop, my DD’s went to the corner shop from that age and would be left briefly, not 30 minutes but certainly 20 minutes (5 minutes each way plus time in shop) in many countries they walk to school alone from age 5/6 and are left after school alone, in fact my German friends were bemused people got babysitters for primary aged kids as they always left them alone even after dark in Germany

You should teach him what to do in an emergency. You never know, you might have a heart attack or an aneurysm at home and he'd need to call for help.

This thread is WILD!

It’s kid dependant but at 7, this is mostly fine. Mind blown by some of the reactions on here. No wonder I can’t employ a 20 year old with any resilience.

Agreed.

I also have a 10 year old daughter (different dad) who is at home and knows what to do in these situations. When my son is a little older he will also know what to do.

He should know how to unlock a door so he can get out of a house if he needs to. Yes you can stay with him at all time and unlock the door for him. You can also lace his shoes and spoon-feed him.

I assume you don't though, because you want to him to grow up and gain autonomy.

I fully agree. I have health anxiety and this scenario runs through my head too much! However, I have a 10 year old daughter that knows what to do in these situations.

What did your son say about it, did he seem to be worried or is he happy about it and using it to suggest you should let him do more? Is he year 2 or 3?
(edit- never mind. forgot to read updates!)

My son is six and I only just started leaving him in the flat while I take rubbish to the bins outside. It wouldn't cross my mind that I could/should go any further!
That puts your son in year 2? So is mine, and I work in a 3 form entry primary school so know lots of others the same age.
I don't think any of them are mature enough to be left for that long but are perfectly capable of walking 10 minutes each way to the shop!!

How is he a young 7 when he turned 6 two months ago?
He sounds very babied,not going downstairs, following you about, can’t unlock the door, stop using his sister as the excuse, does she never go out to play? go places that leaves you and him at home?

What if your daughter is the one in need of medical attention and she needs you? My son has stopped breathing a few times and I couldn't have left him to open the door for the paramedics.
What is to be gained by not teaching him?

He is no longer 6, he is now 7. 7 is old enough to learn how to use a key. Show him. This is not hard for a 7 year old, I live in an apartment block with a shared yard, many kids from age 5/6 play outdoors alone and have a key to let themselves in and out of the stairwells, courtyards and apartments.

If your ex is going to leave your DS alone, however, he needs to be contactable. You could buy him a phonewatch - they're very simple to use and it means he can contact you or your ex easily in an emergency. Xplora do a good range that have no games and are therefore not addictive or distracting.

Your son is not bothered or upset by being left alone for 30 mins so it isn't distressing him. He's probably watching cartoons on the sofa and having quite a nice time. The likelihood of a housefire randomly starting or someone breaking in during that brief 30 min window is very low.

I'd be more worried about your ex not making sure he brushes his teeth properly tbh. Far more likely to result in a bad outcome for your DS in the long run.

I had - SHOCK - my own key at 8 years old. Used to walk home from school with friends, let myself in, make a snack and watch telly till my mum got home an hour or 90 mins later. Bloody LOVED it! Still alive….

And what if your 10yo isn't home?

What age should we start leaving them then? 3? 4?

Or does it depend on the child? If they're very advanced can you pop to the pub and the 4-year-old puts themselves to bed?

At 7 I was definitely walking to the local shop, but obviously times are different now.
Mine hasn’t hit 7 yet so I can’t say for sure but i don’t think it’s entirely outlandish. Surely you know where the shop is in relation to your ex’s house rather than relying on a 7 year olds perception of the time?
A 5 min walk each way to the corner shop seems reasonable.

Why is it not? Are we pulling down the feelings of children now?

There is no one answer, social services are not going to give OP an age.

I absolutely know what you mean... I think most of us above 30 or 40 have that memory. I was alone a lot, came home alone from school, had food, etc at home. We used to go outside and play 6-7-8-9-10 years of age. So that side, I absolutely get. I think it set us up to be self-reliant, etc.
However, I do have to play devil's advocate a tiny bit. While I do have that same background, I can't see my sons have the exact same one. Yes, they can sort food, can be trusted with things..but absolutely no way would they be allowed to come home alone or play outside in random streets like we did. The world is not the same what it was in our youth

The dad may or may not be unreasonable - it depends how responsible your child is, how much they retain the information their dad tells them in terms of what to do in an emergency etc. Whether your ex is being unreasonable or not, I think you are being very unreasonable not to teach your son basic life/safety skills and to brush off suggestions with comments along the lines of, you wouldn't expect a child of his age to know what to do in an emergency. Why not? As someone else has said, what happens if, god forbid, you get seriously ill or suddenly drop dead at home? What if your daughter isn't there, or is also ill? Your son can't even open the front door by himself to go next door and call for help? He doesn't know the emergency services number? He doesn't know what to do in a fire? It's irresponsible not to teach children these skills.

I think it would be better if you and your ex taught both children the skills to become more independent, but tried to agree a way that worked for both of you. Ok, you don't think his dad should leave your son alone. That's tough, because you have no control over how he cares for your son when he's looking after him. So what would improve the situation? Is there a landline in the house? If so, ask ex to ensure your son knows how to use it. If not, ask your ex to get a cheap dumb mobile and teach your son the emergency number and his addresses (if he doesn't know already). Have a safe person (like a neighbour or school friend) who lives within walking distance, if possible, and remind your child that that's where to go if he needs help and you aren't there. Get them to describe the route they would take, and practice it on the way home from school. Teach them what to do if they smell smoke or see a fire, how to check if there's fire on the other side of a closed door, what to do if they're in a room they can't get out of etc.